I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

What he misses, is someone to pick on

TRUTH!

This song is perfect for my husband (except it's really aimed at a woman):

You were almost kind, you were almost true
Don't let me see that other side of you
You have learned in time that you must be cruel

Poison in everything you said
Don't you, don't you
Wonder what difference does it make
Either way?

You were almost kind, you were almost true
Why give away that other side of you?
Happens every time, so it must be true
Step on a kid, he'll grow up hating you

Poison in everything you said
Don't you, don't you
Wonder what difference does it make
Either way?

Were you ever kind, were you always cruel?
Who's ever seen that other side of you?

Happened every time, so it must be true
Where did you learn it's either him or you?

You were almost kind, you were almost true
Don't let me see that other side of you
You have learned in time that you must be cruel

Poison in everything you said
Don't you, don't you?
Wonder what difference does it make
Either way...

My husband claims that he's not going anywhere or doing anything for Thanksgiving. I call BS. The first time we separated, his little fling buddy had invited him to join her for Thanksgiving dinner. My guess is he's doing something along those lines, but of course, he won't tell me about it.

The reason we're even in touch is because together we owe the lawyer $1500 and we've been talking about how to pay him and when.

So, we've been in touch about these details, and in the mix, Thanksgiving came up. I just don't believe him and cannot imagine that he hasn't glued himself onto some other unsuspecting and innocent woman by now. We've been officially separated for nearly two months - I am sure he has new supply at this stage, but of course, he tries to woo me still with his ridiculous antics, regardless.

I know, I'm not looking to date yet, however, two men I've met recently whom I find to be attractive both have girlfriends and are unavailable, which is bumming me out because I would at least enjoy someone's company here and there. These men are out on their own for music frequently without their girlfriends, likely because the girlfriend does't like that type of music. Well, I'm sociable and they're both sociable, so I've talked to both men. Last night, I was talking to one of them, and I felt myself being very attracted to him. There was no flirting - strictly just conversation.

But, it's not fair. The men I would like to get to know better are already taken. I know I'm going to find more of this to be the case. It's depressing. Happy Thanksgiving to me.

Well I don’t think fairness is the issue here, some people you might like are taken and some aren’t. And you don’t know them. They might be jerks

Feeling strong attraction to someone you don’t even know is often a sign of attracting “a familiar”. Familiar is typically another wrong man you go for.

Stay away from this guy, I’d not spend a minute guessing why their girlfriends aren’t there (work, kids, sick grandma, migraine or didn’t feel like it), couples don’t need to go everywhere together. It’s not wrong to socialize with anybody and everybody. But ask yourself if you’d come up to him and started talking if the girlfriend was there? If not, I’d say stay away. Bad news for you. You get attracted to wrong men.

I’d try to stay away from men for now. If you strictly seeking companionship from people, why must they be men? And men you are attracted to? You don’t like women’s company (don’t mean romantically but a companionship?). Dating now will be a disaster

I love women's company! But, like I've pointed out, I have very few local girlfriends so I go out by myself and meet people. I just happened to have met these two men separately. And yes, I would talk to them as a couple with their girlfriends too.

I don't think it means I am always attracted to the wrong types. How can I ever trust myself in that case or move forward with anyone I feel physically attracted to?

Attraction is simply that - but it doesn't mean you should be with the person. You have to get to know them. I simply meant that I felt physically attracted to this one man that I talked to last night. I wanted to get to know him better, but I can't. And that's a bummer.

Well if he is in a relationship, that’s all a moot point.

I am not saying you’ll always attract wrong men. But you are very vulnerable right now. You aren’t even divorced and are just few weeks separated from your husband.

You aren’t healed from your pain and this is the time when feeling attraction to some random man could be a very wrong thing. Well you can’t control feelings but contemplating acting on them now is not a good idea.

I am not saying you should never date or get to know guys you are attracted to. I do not believe you should be doing it NOW. I am also not saying you can never trust your feelings or date men you are attracted to. It’s not what I am saying. NOW is not the right time for all that. I don’t think you could trust your feelings or your attractions right NOW. Now is a bad time for all that unless you want to attract more drama to your life, I don’t think you do.

Valid!!! And I do agree. No, I don’t want any more drama - no way!!!!

So, a few things:

I've realized that my husband used to try and ruin almost every holiday, birthday or major family event. I've read that narcissists do this because these occasions make their partner happy and also take the attention away from the narcissist. So they deliberately sabotage special occasions for these reasons.

He would fight with me instead on many special occasions, almost ruining the entire celebration.

Also, yesterday on Thanksgiving Day, I did hear from him around 4 PM, to my surprise. He wanted to wish me a nice meal and a good night, but then he sent me a photo of himself at his friend's home. I asked him why he was sending me a photo and he said, it's a different way for me to say goodnight. I didn't reply to his last text. I did not want to fight or argue, so I just didn't reply.

Even though I felt bored and alone on Thanksgiving Day until I was able to see my mom, well, I thought at least I am not having to deal with my husband trying to fight with me and ruin the day! One year on Thanksgiving, he manufactured a fight with me and then refused to join my family's dinner. Instead, I had to bring him a plate of food home. He ruined Thanksgiving for me that year.

So, bottom line: they need to be the center of attention and therefore when it's taken from them, they have to spoil the day by fighting with you.

He’s weaseling in again. It’s not normal to wish your soon to be ex to have a nice meal (why does he know your plans for holidays?) . Even in the most amicable divorces, this just isn’t normal.

And didn’t he say he has no where to go? Again a lie. He had a thanksgiving with friends, which was obviously planned. He sends you pics of himself to get you feel lonely without him, jealous that he has company for holidays or even wonder if these friends brought single female for his company.

It’s all a ploy. To keep you hooked. I don’t understand you keep communicating with him on a daily basis. I get a need to discuss a lawyer bill but that’s not a daily communication. It’s one time thing. Ok maybe bills need to be discussed monthly ok maybe weekly, but why all this? It’s not healthy

He sends you a pic? Delete. Don’t respond. It’s obvious why he sent it. To keep himself relevant and to keep this back and forth nonsense going.

I did not reach out to him. And I did reply initially, but then I stopped replying.

I agree it's all a ploy - I think the photo was sent to get me to miss him. All a manipulation. The good news is: I didn't feel a single thing and I wasn't missing him at all, not even when he sent the photo of himself.

I am trying to keep communications at a bare minimum. Now, there's little reason for us to be in touch other than about the divorce. I don't plan on contacting him, and if I do hear from him about anything other than divorce, I will grey rock him and will cease the communication.

The more distance I get the better off I feel. I am slowly healing and I am slowly recovering. I am still vulnerable though, so I know I need to be very careful in all ways.

It may feel out of character or even feel wrong to you, but any reply to any contact is a signal to him to keep contacting you. Responding to a happy Thanksgiving text with a reply was innocent to you. To him, and his narcissism, it was "I got her to notice me and now I can keep her attention!" Your attention is like a drug to him that he won't stop using until you refuse to be used. You acted like his supply, and until you don't act like supply, he will keep up his antics and manipulative behavior.

You have to stop thinking it isn't nice to respond when he communicates. You have to put your need for a peaceful no manipulation life over your desire to appear friendly towards him. He will ALWAYS disrupt your peace and try to manipulate you.

It isn't my intention to upset you or offend you. I know it may sound harsh, but reality is harsh sometimes.

Thank you for your input, and no it doesn't upset or offend me in the least! I understand what you're saying and now that I reflect on it, I didn't want to appear as unkind on a major holiday, when he could talk crap about me and tell his friends how unkind I am. I guess I still care about what others think of me, and I need to learn how to let that go - you have given me something to think about, to learn and grow within myself, which is a gift so I thank you.

Prediction time: he'll eventually end up completely alone and nobody at all will ever trust him again, as soon as he develops something like dementia or altzeimers or whatever, he'll end up dumped in a care home cause nobody will want to look after him in his old age

it'll be one of the care homes where the people working there are only doing it for the money - some care homes are actually like that, certaintly over here in the UK

compared with this: Have Hope finds a new partner one day and they both look after each other until one is no longer around, both looking after each other until the end

Hmm... it is very possible that this will be the case for him. But, I am trying hard to not care about what happens in his life.... it's actually still a bit hard for me to accept him being with another woman, but I have to remind myself CONSTANTLY that I don't want that to be ME anymore, and that he will do the same exact things to her as he did to me. He won't change.

Now that vision, I LOVE!

That guy that I was attracted to who has a girlfriend? He just messaged me on LinkedIn, saying it was good to see me and that he's glad he went out. So, I wrote back in order to nip this in the bud. I told him that we can just be friends, and that I do not tango with anyone else's boyfriend. So I drew a boundary and am glad. I am not gonna mess with that crap.

not sure what your age is, but if your young enough maybe kids will become on the scene and they will help Have Hope and new husband in old age

I'm 52 and don't want any kids, meaning I would never even consider adoption. I never wanted kids of my own, so that answers that one. lol.

I don’t recommend people have kids so there is someone to take care of them in old age. Not a good plan for many reasons

But that’s a moot point anyways

And here is your answer. This dude is a jerk.

His good looks or attraction or what not meant nothing.

if my husband had a woman chatting him up at the venue it wouldn’t bother me. But if he went home, looked her up and messaged her how great it was to meet her and he’s glad he went out (glad he went without his partner and could talk to her?), it would be a different story. Inappropriate. You run into questionable people at these venues

Yeah I know. Not OK. And that wouldn't be OK with me either, if I were in his girlfriend's shoes. And that's who I am thinking of - I'm putting myself in her shoes. So I am steering clear!

Divine, you are so smart. Plus i thought it was a red flag that he messaged her on linkedin. His partner is looking at his facebook, not linkedin!