I let him back in and now I am kicking myself #2

Today I am seriously down in the dumps - and I mean SERIOUSLY. The reality of divorce - our court date ahead - is making me immensely sad. I want it to have worked out. I really don't want this and wish he could just be the loving husband I want him to be, but he's not, and I have to face this reality square in the face.

I am caught in the fantasy of him - given all his words as of late - I fed into them and have fed into the fantasy that he dishes out to me. I have to shake off his words, know that they are manipulation instead and that none of it is real. He is not who he says he is... not by a long shot. And, I have to keep reminding myself of this because the more distance I get from the toxic behaviors makes me forget the toxic behaviors. Abuse amnesia. And, he's only been nice lately.. trying to win me back over.

THANKFULLY, I still have my gut instincts & my inner voice, and I am listening to BOTH. I am not going to keep feeding into this. I have to stop and I have to come down to reality. He's a far cry from the husband I really want. His words and promises are all empty words and promises. Smoke and mirror effect. He is hiding the true him from me right now... the one who gets angry, who retaliates, who insults me, who makes me question his fidelity because of how he acts around other women and other things that make me not trust him, he is problematic physically, he overspends, and he is a child who plays video games 24/7. We didn't have emotional OR physical intimacy after a while. I started to shut down and shut off parts of myself and stopped sharing because he was always so critical of me and of anything I told him I did or said at work or in interpersonal relationships. I was always in the wrong. His way was always the right way, not mine. And I constantly had to wait for him... for everything. He tried my patience almost every day.

And I became a shell of my former self. I became a shell, I became isolated and dependent on him, just as all abusers want and aim to accomplish. And he did just that. Took me away from all the activities I enjoy, from socializing at events, and even from getting together with my friends.

I have to remember ALL of this... this is the real him. Not some made up man that he pretends he is.

Oh no. You’d not get alimony even if asked. You need to be married for ten years minimum for judge to consider alimony. There are some exceptions like some terrible circumstance like sudden permanent disability, caring for infant etc Other than that no. And few months of unemployment wouldn’t warrant alimony. Alimony is meant to help a spouse to get on their feet if they were out of a job market for prolonged period of time (or only worked part time minimum wages kind of thing), were dependent on their spouse and now need time for getting back on their feet. You were making over 100k just a month ago. No that’s not a basis for spousal support

Good points about fantasy. We all get caught up in that. It’s easy to do. Very smart of you to see it now and being wise about it. Very smart. You are being strong. You see it right through.

Ok, that makes sense -- thanks!

Thank you.

It IS easy to get swept up again. He is singing my romantic tune, and it was working. But I DO see right through, and I need to remain strong and grounded in the reality of WHO HE TRULY IS, at his CORE. And ultimately, I just deserve SO much better.

Coercing me into doing coke on our wedding night, when he KNEW I was dead set against it before he bought it with MY money and WITHOUT ASKING???????

Texting a woman flirtatious texts, when here I am unemployed and struggling, and when he promised me 1,000 times over, no joke, that he would NEVER step out of bounds with another woman, NEVER.

Screaming at me for the 1ST 2.5 years of marriage?

Then, toning that down to constant fights instead, where I am blamed for every fight and when he was the one antagonizing me, looking for a fight?

And now, he won't even use the $2,000 chair I bought him as a gift????

PLUS, only trying to convince me that he's better now and has improved, rather than talking to me about how he is going to earn back my trust? He hasn't ONCE addressed this issue since separating 4 months ago, even though I told him he has completely ruined the trust between us?

IF he TRULY cared, he'd be talking with me about how can he rebuild trust with me, after breaking it SO many times. But no...... he hasn't touched this important topic!

Forget it.... this guy is bad news.

The thing is if he got back in with you, it would be good for 3 months and then it would go right back where it started. One can only do it so long if it’s not who they really are

so true! And he's proven this to me, more than once!

They can maybe make him pay legal fees since you don’t work. But then you do get unemployment. Not sure about that. I heard of people being ordered to pay spouse’s legal fees if your spouse doesn’t work. But I don’t know details of that

He is bad news. I’d not trust him

HMMM .... that's interesting.

I don't trust him whatsoever. It's gone.

AND, he ruined most holidays and some birthdays.

That’s the worst. What’s the point. You might as well be by yourself or with family on holidays

totally!!!

Have Hope is the most amazingest Have Hope on the whole of the internets

It is possible.

It is not.

Valentines Day is tomorrow - the day of our 2st fated date. The date that got everything rolling very quickly.

We moved in together after only 1 month of dating. How crazy. But we both needed a new home, so it just made sense at the time.

I knew it was a great risk. Had we never moved in together, we may never have been married. Had we never moved in together, perhaps I wouldn't be in this situation.

I should have bargained with my parents to let me stay longer or until I could find a suitable roommate. But they were selling their condo and they basically kicked me out, telling me I had to move out ASAP.

Anyways, Valentines Day is a sore spot for me now.... at least until I can make better memories of this holiday with someone else.

*sends Hope a massive bunch of flowers from the forum*

Awwwwwww.

WOW. Happy Valentines Day to me. I was supposed to hang out last night, then tonight with a guy. We slept together years ago when I was single. We were both looking forward to being intimate again. Last night, he got derailed by his work for 3 hours. He was supposed to come over at 5, then by 8 pm he will still working, so I bailed. And tonight, we made definite plans for him to come over, but he's totally blowing me off! I've sent several messages, and he didn't reply to any of them. By 5:55 (he was supposed. to be here at 6), I told him it's so rude of him to blow me off like this, I called him a pri*ck, and told him we're never sleeping together ever again.

I am SO PISSE*D.

And poetic justice that it's nearly V Day. WHY are SO many bad things happening to me?!?!??!?!

It might not be a bad thing. Something that appears to be bad sometimes is the best thing ever. You slept with him years ago, who knows if he is worth to spend 5 minutes with right now? It might be a ruined evening. Especially since he’s rude. It’s a blessing. Maybe since it’s not actually a dating experience he didn’t bother to be polite. Some guys are very dismissive when it comes to casual sex. Not worth trying to be a gentleman. Screw him. It’s a good thing he didn’t contact you. Possibly saved you from a headache. He sounds wishy washy and immature

Sounds like hes in a relationship, not being able to get away like that. And kinda weird times, iznt it? On a monday?

It didn’t even occur to me! It’s Monday.

I once knew a guy socially, not romantically. All of a sudden he was romantically interested but he didn’t want a date to be by his area (which worked for me on some days better), didn’t want to meet half way and wanted to come to my area but didn’t want to meet in a public place but wanted to come over to my house and only on week nights. And he was persistent!

It sounded annoying so I decided not to proceed. Plus he called me constantly on weekdays and never in a weekend! Later I found out that the entire time he was begging for a date (more like a roll in a hay) he had a long term girlfriend. Like a serious committed relationship. I was in so much shock i was seeing red. The audacity!!!!

Of course some people work odd hours and are off on Monday but I became very suspicious after that.