I let him back in and now I am kicking myself #2

I'm NOT going to the hospital. I cannot afford another $1,000 bill. It's stupid. I am not in serious danger right now.

I am just really fed up with all the crap that life has dished out to me, I feel abandoned by God, or like God hates me, and I just want to disappear.... like in my sleep, naturally.

I unblocked him to ask him if he would take care of my cat, if something happens to me.

Ten zillion bajillion million gazillion tonnes of loves here for have hope

My bad. I opened the forum first time after work and saw that you are planning suicide and getting poison for it so I naturally advised to take yourself to safety. I must have misunderstood what I’ve read. It’s been a long day.

It's Ok. I was writing about that earlier. Your concerns are valid and are appreciated. I was at a breaking point.

Have Hope deserves to be aliveness and find happiness

According to my phone aliveness is a word ?

Meant alive

Thank you, dear.

I am really f'ed up. My mental and emotional state is all upside down and inside out.

My husband came over after work yesterday, we took a drive, and he bought me a beautiful bouquet of tulips. When he dropped me off, we kissed.... he asked me to come spend a day with him this weekend, to just chill out and enjoy some down time together. He said it would be very good for me. I said I would think about it.

I don't think I've ever been this f'ed up before. I spend most days alone, I am scared and am totally freaking out. Trying to get a job has been hard so far. And here he is, trying to be my knight in shining armor. And, man, is it hard to resist! I have weakened..... but a large part of me still wants to go through with the divorce.

We talked a little about what that would look like - if, HYPOTHETICALLY, we DID get back together. People on both sides would be looking at us cross-eyed. Everyone will think that we are both insane. His friends no longer like or approve of me, at least one couple does, and they think he is wrong or skewed in his thinking about wanting to get back together with me. I've sent his female friend screenshots of text messages between he and I.... to prove that he has been abusive. More than once. They don't agree with my perspective and naturally, do not see that side of him, so of course, they defend him and think I am in the wrong. That by itself makes me feel like total crap.

We would probably both be abandoned by our respective friends. And then I would be stuck in the same situation all over again. Uncertain, not feeling safe, not trusting him, and not knowing if he's going to explode again on me... in time.

On the flip side the thought of seeing him move on with another woman drives me crazy. I cannot imagine it, and I would wonder if he's changed... for her. He says he doesn't want to see me with another guy either.

Going through what I am going through, all by myself, is doing a real number on my mental health, and it's causing me to weaken and make poor decisions. It's causing my own thinking to be skewed.

Yesterday, I was seriously suicidal because of Valentine's Day and everything else going on. I really need a therapist. I have been without one for months, and I think at this point, I need one.

That's my only answer to this conundrum - get a therapist. And call my abuse advocate.

Getting back together with him would be a very bad idea, Hope

I do understand how your feeling.

I don't understand what is happening. I truly do not. I am in knots.

Thank you, darlin'.

I don't trust knights in shining armor... its just for looks and for show. Shiny attracts attention. Shining armor doesn’t scream hero, it screams look at me and ingore everything else. He's wooing you and you appear to be falling for your romanticized version that he's adept at displaying. What's under all the shine and sparkle? Someone who hurt you, who called you names, who made you leave holidays early or not go at all.... this is a HUGE LOVE BOMB... what happens next in his cycle? Does he get irritated and start fights over little things? Does it turn into a blow out fight where you are left hurt and alone?

Life is hard sometimes and I truly understand how much you are dealing with right now. These things will change. He won't change because he can't.

You are very stressed and that’s why you are in knots. I never lost a job in my life but I’ve been desperate for finding a better paid job and it was an enormous stress and finding it was all I could think about. It consumed my life. I cannot even imagine stress of losing a job. My husband was laid off once many years ago it caused him such enormous depression that it led to other bad choices (losing his house due to plain inability to even seek a better solution). It was many years ago but he still terrified to even think about it. It’s awful.

And I’ve been divorced and ended near a decade (9 years) long cohabitation relationship. I was under so much stress both times that I had all kind of terrible awful symptoms. Being in knots is understatement

But it always ends and better days are ahead and sun comes out.

Going back to unhappy unsatisfying relationships or marriages simply because you (hypothetically) cannot handle current pain is not a solution. But sadly it’s not uncommon. We want to avoid pain. But then we usually create only more pain in a long run. Your marriage isn’t mysteriously turning into happy satisfying one. Not happening.

Anyone can buy tulips and give kisses. You can teach monkeys to do that. Anyone can say anything.

Now if you are going back because it’s now miraculously happy marriage, then it’s all good. But if it’s because he showered you with romantic gestures and you want to avoid pain, then it won’t work in a long run.

I’d avoid making any decisions while under stress. Give it some time and focus on job search. Things will work out one way or the other

And don’t worry about him finding another woman. He might find a date but not someone for a serious commitment. Not happening

Well, the thing is, he's being all wonderful now, but what happens when life stress hits again? Or what happens after a few months of good behavior? Will he slip again? Likely, yes, and then I'm in the same position.

He bought me cat food last night. I told him he didn't need to do that, but he did it anyways. I didn't see him though. He did not come over again.

And yes, being in knots is an understatement. This is an unbelievably stressful time.

I don’t like the way I’ve acted at times through this separation and divorce process. I sent screenshots of our texts to his good friend. To prove something. And now they think I’m in the wrong, about many things. They tell him not to speak with me. I know I shouldn’t care about what his friends think, or about what anyone thinks. I am who I am. Either love me or think I’m nuts. But I do care, deep down. And I’ve behaved poorly, I wish I hadn’t done that.

Your welcome

He will never permenently change, Hope

Leopards never change their spots

Almost exactly two years ago . . . you might need to go back and look at this to remind yourself that you've been here before:

I don't know what to do with my marriage

I hate to see you sucked back into the same old same old. I suspect it will just lead to a repeat of the last months. Do differently and things will turn out differently for you. Repeat the past, and you will end up right here in the same place again . . . again.

Thank you. I do know, & I am well aware.

I am weakening. I am alone and scared. I spend my days all alone, freaking out by myself.

And here he is, offering an escape, his love and support.

I cannot do this.... I am not equipped to handle this situation all by myself. I am leaning on him more. He is contacting me more. It feels good to not be so alone with just my thoughts all the time.

My husband has seen me through many of my worst times - suicidal thoughts, unemployment, a hospitalization, a second mental/emotional breakdown, and the loss of my father. He has stepped up to the plate to help each time, although not perfectly because he faltered a couple times. And here I am, unemployed again.

Once when I was feeling suicidal and heading to the mall, he left his work to be with me for the day. He took me away from all my stress and helped me. When I was in the hospital, he was golden. He talked to me and texted me all day every day, whenever I needed to talk.

Lately, I have been facing so many problems that I am overwhelmed and shut down. My world is caving in around me, and I cannot breathe. I am in survival mode, but I am breaking down. I cannot bear all the stress.

I have had 5 dentist appointments so far in the last month to take care of much needed major dental work. I have 1 more appointment next week, so that will be 6 in total.

Interviewing hasn't been going that well. I am getting interviews, but I am not making it past the 1st rounds.

I don't understand why this is happening. Did God place me in this situation so that I can do it differently this time, or did he place me in the exact same situation again to realize that I actually do need my husband? I am SO confused.

I don’t think G-d places anyone into any situation and certainly not to show them that they need husbands. I am sure it’s not the case. But if you believe G-d puts you in same horrible situations then maybe to show that change is needed. Not just with your husband

In general if same or similar things keep occurring to us, then doing things differently is the first step. Not just in relationships, but jobs, friendships, health, behaviors etc If we want change, we should do things differently.

Omg what happened with your teeth that you had to do dental work while unemployed? I have lots of teeth problems so that’s I get but why now. Don’t have to answer it’s just a terrible timing

What do your mom and sister say to all this? Do they think you should go back to your husband? Do they know you are considering it? They don’t have to know, just wonder if they have better insight as they actually know him

My mom says that maybe he and I should divorce, but date each other and not live together. She thinks we still want each other enough, but that marriage with him is a bad idea.

My sister thinks maybe we're just not done yet - she said maybe you do need another round.

I had to go to the dentist. I had neglected going for the last 7 years! Now that I have the time and insurance to cover the work, I decided to get all done that needs to be done. I had a deep cleaning done in 2 separate sessions because I now have periodontal disease. I had two fillings done, a separate more superficial cleaning, and next a cap for my prior root canal. All necessary work. If I had waited any longer, things could have been far worse. My husband has been urging me to go for the last 2 years, so I finally went, got Xrays and an evaluation.

There has to be a reason why God has created another similar situation. I believe in everything happening for a reason and higher purpose.

If everything thing happens for a reason, and you believe God has given you more than you can bear, perhaps this is God's way of reminding you that he doesn't give more than you can bear. Perhaps God is giving you the chance to grow and change.

If you are addicted to love bombing, perhaps you should approach getting over the addiction with an addiction recovery path. Maybe let go and let God..

You've stated God is your higher power, so rely on that to see you through and comfort you. Your husband is not your higher power, he just has a lot of power over you.

He does have a power over me.... it's like a spell that is cast that I cannot get past right now. Maybe it's Satan's way of trying to tempt me back into something I shouldn't be in, something I shouldn't be in, according to God's will. I'm being serious right now, too.

I just don't get it. WHY am i being tested like this??????? My strength is seriously being tested.

QUOTE=RollercoasterLover;7307296]If everything thing happens for a reason, and you believe God has given you more than you can bear, perhaps this is God's way of reminding you that he doesn't give more than you can bear. Perhaps God is giving you the chance to grow and change.

If you are addicted to love bombing, perhaps you should approach getting over the addiction with an addiction recovery path. Maybe let go and let God..

You've stated God is your higher power, so rely on that to see you through and comfort you. Your husband is not your higher power, he just has a lot of power over you.[/QUOTE]

Your husband is not your higher power, he just has a lot of power over you.
^I love this!

Have Hope- If this is at all helpful… The back and forth relationship has to do with attachment issues, and it is call the approach avoidant repetition compulsion. It is what holds a trauma bonded relationship. All I have learned from experts is that the relationship must end to stop the abusive relationship.

It doesn’t matter if you did things others judge you for. You are only human. Extreme stress brings out the worst in everyone. I always think of the Tina Turner song, “I don’t care who’s wrong or right, I don’t really want to fight no more.”

What I like about CoDA is that it has you turn control over to your Higher Power as part of the 12 step program just like AA.