[QuietRobot996]

Needing to vent tonight. Too much crap going on.

So I'm married to a mentally ill, recovering alcoholic who I'm care advocate for currently. She's been improving, but our relationship is absolute **** right now.

If I cut through all the specifics, she basically lies, and it's hard to tell what the truth and the lie is...

She says we have a sexless marriage, we have sex 3-5 times a month.


She says I suck in bed, then goes on a gushing fit every time we have sex telling me how "Great" I am.

She says she does not spend anything at all then I look at our bank account and find around 5 or more charges for **** from her that I know is her because she brags about it when I come home. Yet it's "My" fault when we go overdraft.

She makes up a **** ton of stuff about past friends, family, business acquaintances, and whatnot and then says things they never actually said or did - or did they? I call these people and ask, when she finds out she says "like they'd ever tell you the truth!"

Every time we fight she tells me it's all my fault at first and then it's something else. Right now it's her period coming back and that she needs a second ablation. Before that it was her sister's romantic life with her new husband. Before that it was because of a celebrity saying or doing something she does not like. The lunatic is 40 going on 14.

Yet I have to take all the blame....

Apparently she plays this game with everyone. She's twisted **** with her own parents to the pooint that where I was seen as the one taking care of her now I'm seen as the mentally unstable immature one by them despite the fact I have to tolerate her ******** every day. Truth is, her parents are rich and out of touch with the reality the rest of us have to live with. I did not marry for money, I married for love, instead I got a marriage of gaslighting, arguing, fighting, and hearsay.

Tonight the only thing stepping between me and changing banking institutions is the place I was initially applying to sucks.

I'm not even sure. Should I stay or should I go? I dread coming home every day, I dread the weekends, I just built up a bicycle so I can just ride away on the weekend and be by myself. I'm fed up with my life and it feels like all I'm doing now is biding my time to die, which will probably be another good 40 years at least.

A part of me wants to just move my funds to a separate bank account, get a storage unit, and work towards a divorce. Another part of me wants to stick around and work it through but it feels completely impossible when I look at it from afar, as I doubt she's going to ever be the same person.

When she drinks she manically roams the house, pacing, listening to the same bloody songs over and over on her YouTube channel, blaming the algorithm for it. Yet somehow my stuff changes. Then she comes in my room or follows me around with long monologues about the same four or five mostly family-oriented subjects, over, and over, and over again.

Tonight she said she's leaving me alone, she's been to my door 8 times to offer food and/or tell me all about these "bonds" I've never heard of or seen since our trip to see her parents 2 weeks ago. If not that, it's been to outright attack me for not being affectionate - how in the HELL am I supposed to feel like being affectionate when I'm going through all this ****.

I seriously hate my life right now and wish It could just be over and done. My home life is just so draining and murdering for me.

Some days, she's totally goal oriented and willing to do the work, and does, to get better, but it feels like the minute something dramatic happens that may not even have to do with her, she crashes and burns hard. I can't take it anymore.

[sarahsweets]

I do not mean to sound cold but go- run- you did not sign up for this. When you say mentally ill does she have a diagnosis? She isnt still drinking right?

[divine1966]

If she still drinks then she’s not recovering. She sounds like an addict. Is she seeing a psychiatrist or at least a therapist? I hope you don’t have children with her.

[Rive.]

Seeing the anger & resentment you feel towards her through your words, the names you are calling your partner & clear lack of respect (e.g. ''The lunatic is 40 going on 14''?!), do you even have to ask if you should stay?

If you want the situation to change, then you have to do something about it. Insulting her is not going to solve anything.

[Have Hope]

This is a very dysfunctional marriage. I don't even think counseling would help. She sounds abusive. I think you have answered your own question - why stay? It's hell. I would get that bank account and storage unit and start looking for a new home, if you're the one to leave your home. Divorce - yes.

[DoroMona]

Sounds like you need to get out of this marriage ASAP. Have you asked yourself why you're actually hesitating? Could it be that you're simply intimidated by the actual process? Maybe you will feel better about it if you talk to a divorce lawyer and educate yourself about what you need to do. Don't look at divorce as a gigantic thing, but as a series of smaller steps, and go from there.

[sarahsweets]

##TRUTHS

Originally Posted by Rive.

Seeing the anger & resentment you feel towards her through your words, the names you are calling your partner & clear lack of respect (e.g. ''The lunatic is 40 going on 14''?!), do you even have to ask if you should stay?

If you want the situation to change, then you have to do something about it. Insulting her is not going to solve anything.

[sarahsweets]

Get a lawyer or a consult and protect yourself finacially.

[Open Eyes]

I’m curious about your history that you would put up with these behavior patterns? I think it would help you to read about trauma bonding and codependent behavior patterns.

It looks like your wife is constantly trying to escape through alcohol use. This can lead to bad choices and unstable behavior patterns like drinking and listening to music in a high.

The ups and downs could be due to different things like bipolar that needs to be addressed by a mental health professional. There can be periods of high drama that can be taken out on others like you describe. Then the temper tantrums some of which can be due to the addiction to alcohol.

You can end up developing ptsd because you are always in hypervigilant survival mode. Alcoholism is a very narcissistic disease. Often the individual is way behind in maturity and can’t regulate their emotions. It’s a progressive disease that causes damage to the person mentally and physically.

This is something she needs professional help with and not something you should expose yourself to. I strongly recommend you seek professional help so you don’t devolve into an angry resentful unhealthy person.

[QuietRobot996]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I do not mean to sound cold but go- run- you did not sign up for this. When you say mentally ill does she have a diagnosis? She isnt still drinking right?

I'm trying to figure out whether to run or keep attempting to help. It's very hard. And yeah, I did NOT sign up for this. If we do split, I'm never getting in another relationship for the rest of my life.


I'm sure she has a diagnosis, she has a doctor and a therapist that she is seeing, though she's changing therapists again because this new one is "too young". Problem is I can't get a straight diagnosis out of her or her doctor (Nurse/RN with Psychologist), despite even a verbal agreement with the doctor that I can ask any questions. She never told me. The most I've heard is "let's tackle this from an ADHD angle" because for a time she replaced her alcoholism with shopaholism.

I was doing some watching on YouTube last night on the situation - she's been drinking (so she's NOT recovering) and leaving me alone as I've been quite angry with her this past week (for the most part), and I'm thinking she has BPD. Her whole entire thing since I've known her is to spend long periods of time with boundless energy, complaining her "brain does not stop" (one of her many excuses for drinking which includes self-medication for Endo before her ablation, and I think right now she's using it to self-medicate because she needs another one). When she's on this energy high, she'll clean the house every day, exercise, and pace the house listening to music if she starts drinking because her "brain won't stop". Problem is, I never see a low, and high energy has always been her.

[QuietRobot996]

Originally Posted by divine1966

If she still drinks then she’s not recovering. She sounds like an addict. Is she seeing a psychiatrist or at least a therapist? I hope you don’t have children with her.

Luckily We don't Have children. She is seeing therapy and a psychologist per my last post. But I can't seem to get info out of her or the doctor edgewise on what she's actually diagnosed with despite a verbal agreement with her doctor that I"m her "Care advocate".

[QuietRobot996]

Originally Posted by DoroMona

Sounds like you need to get out of this marriage ASAP. Have you asked yourself why you're actually hesitating? Could it be that you're simply intimidated by the actual process? Maybe you will feel better about it if you talk to a divorce lawyer and educate yourself about what you need to do. Don't look at divorce as a gigantic thing, but as a series of smaller steps, and go from there.

I've asked myself why. I've been trying to emotionally detach more and more so it hurts less. She's been blaming her drinking on me for this. AT first it was me trying to "detach with love" alal AlAnon (don't go to meetings though I"ve been toying with it).

The biggest problem is everything we have, is in MY name. Possibly even her car which I had to buy for her because she kept hesitating on doing it despite whining she needed a car for work as her "doctor is signing off on her going back to work soon" - that was in the summer when she was better behaved. So I'm leaving things that are MY RESPONSIBILITY in HER HANDS.


This is messy.

If we got a divorce, ideally, she'd keep her car, and most of her stuff, and I'd just start over. I can't move either, I have too good of a job right now.

[QuietRobot996]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I’m curious about your history that you would put up with these behavior patterns? I think it would help you to read about trauma bonding and codependent behavior patterns.

It looks like your wife is constantly trying to escape through alcohol use. This can lead to bad choices and unstable behavior patterns like drinking and listening to music in a high.

The ups and downs could be due to different things like bipolar that needs to be addressed by a mental health professional. There can be periods of high drama that can be taken out on others like you describe. Then the temper tantrums some of which can be due to the addiction to alcohol.

You can end up developing ptsd because you are always in hypervigilant survival mode. Alcoholism is a very narcissistic disease. Often the individual is way behind in maturity and can’t regulate their emotions. It’s a progressive disease that causes damage to the person mentally and physically.

This is something she needs professional help with and not something you should expose yourself to. I strongly recommend you seek professional help so you don’t devolve into an angry resentful unhealthy person.

Trauma bonding could be it. We both have issues with our parents and with others in our pasts. The difference is, I've moved on, and she has not, whereas 10 years ago, it seemed the other way around. Part of all this got started when she started claiming to people that my mom "raped" me by having me rub her back when I was a teen.

Music is what we bonded over. Both of us pace while listening to music - but I go out and walk in a straight line down a path to and from home for exercise. She does it in house, and then comes in my room and goes on long, manic "discussions" where she talks AT me for 30-120 minutes at a time, usually about the same ****.

PTSD, as I mentioned before in another reply, si something I'm wondering about. I also had a doctor at the hospital I work at ask me if she had a history of it. Right now she's in some kind of high where she never sleeps, drinks alcohol, paces to music, and talks at me. Then she goes back to some semblance of normal. Oddly there is no real discernible "low" because her "low" is "normal" to everyone else. My mom suspects she and her parents are hiding her medical history from me.

Thing is, when things are good, they are great, but when things are bad, they're AWFUL. Right now most of this seems to stem from the fact she's having her period again and needs a second ablation. She even apologized to me about it last night saying I'm a "perfect angel" and that she's "hormonal" and "pissy" because she's waiting for her gyno appt. But then she went back on to drinking and at 2 am woke me up asking if the regular temperature for an average home was 34 degress and why the thermostat was set to 80 (I set it to 72 per usual). This is the kind of **** I deal with with her.


My biggest concern right now is finances, I need to STOP her from using our money up to buy alcohol, but if I don't stop her, she'll get money from her parents for her "medical bills" - which she did not pay on her own (and I have zero access to). This whole "Care Advocacy" thing to me has felt like a farce almost, because I can't tell her doctor she's an "alcoholic" or she'sll be "Dropped" (which she's already claimed once), I can't tell her parents she's drinking again, I can't say this, can't do that. SO how in the absolute **** am I supposed to help this woman?

It's frustrating because just as I have all my **** in a row to get out, she's coming back to normal again for awhile. I can't stand it.

So do you suggest I get therapy for this because that's already being considered, but she does not respect my time if I'm not at home at a normal time and has been trying to give me doctors appts herself and whatnot while I"m at work. Totally f***ed.

[RollercoasterLover]

Originally Posted by QuietRobot996

I've asked myself why. I've been trying to emotionally detach more and more so it hurts less. She's been blaming her drinking on me for this. AT first it was me trying to "detach with love" alal AlAnon (don't go to meetings though I"ve been toying with it).

The biggest problem is everything we have, is in MY name. Possibly even her car which I had to buy for her because she kept hesitating on doing it despite whining she needed a car for work as her "doctor is signing off on her going back to work soon" - that was in the summer when she was better behaved. So I'm leaving things that are MY RESPONSIBILITY in HER HANDS.


This is messy.

If we got a divorce, ideally, she'd keep her car, and most of her stuff, and I'd just start over. I can't move either, I have too good of a job right now.

Go to Al Anon meetings. They are sanity savers and they are the necessary support you need.

As for a divorce settlement, it can be written that anything in your name only that you are giving her must be transferred into her name. If her car has an outstanding loan, she will be required by court order to secure a loan to keep it. It's OK to talk to an attorney to get answers to these questions.

As for her controlling who you can tell about her drinking, you aren't doing her any favors by hiding reality from people. She doesn't want to change and is content to self medicate with alcohol and will do anything to maintain the status quo. Al anon meeting as well as a codependency support group will help you to take back control of your life and your mental health. It's OK to want what is best for her, and sometimes that means doing things she doesn't want. Would you tell someone if she insisted on eating rocks and demanded no one find out?

I hope you find the support you need to get through this difficult time.

[Open Eyes]

A Care Advocate is different from an enabler. What you have shared is describing someone who is expecting you to enable their dysfunction and ongoing addiction to alcohol.

Living a life around someone’s cycles and unhealthy ways of self medicating is not living a healthy life for yourself.

[Rastana]

You definitely need to get out, and quick. She's going to take you down with her, financially, emotionally... It's very hard, but it sounds like you're pretty sure you know it's best to no longer be together. May you find peace.

[Open Eyes]

It could be that she has ADHD and is very hyperactive. That can look like constant mania. My husband is like that and was an alcoholic His need to be active has not changed and he tends to be loud. I have learned that many of the people involved with AA are ADHD like my husband.

There is a spectrum with ADHD that is mild to very prominent. A therapist of mine that met my husband noticed it right away and that prompted me to read about it and sure enough I could see my husband’s behaviors being described. They can have a hard time slowing down and relaxing. Also can be very forgetful and impatient. My husband tends to get busy and constantly leaves the door open and puts his keys down and gets distracted and can’t remember where he put them down.

That being said there can also be co-existing issues including a personality disorder, or narcissistic traits. Yet, I don’t want to paint with a broad brush as each person varies. They can develop a pattern of behavior that can seem manipulative but often it’s more of what they can do to please rather then manipulative in nature.

So far there are only a few medications prescribed to help reduce that need to be in motion that can look manic. Some use medical marijuana, but not to be high and some find Wellbutrin helpful and there are other medications. I know someone taking three different medications as like what you have shared, they struggle to sleep. They are often very misunderstood individuals.

[Open Eyes]

Do not fall for her blaming her drinking on you. She may be addicted to drama which is part of alcoholism. She should not be drinking if she is on ANY psych meds.

People can seek out therapy etc and be put on psych meds yet STILL fall back into an old pattern of using alcohol. The alcohol leads to making bad decisions and creating more drama that is blamed on others.

Did not enable this, I have watched too many people get pulled into the drama that is often fueled by increasing use of alcohol.

[Embracingtruth]

Never confuse life labels with actions. We as human beings get so wrapped up in the definitions of the people we have in our lives. Terms like "family," "brother", "wife", "father", etc., all carry connotations of loyalty which we sometimes apply more credit and association to, than what these individuals should actually have. If someone, anyone, is harming you whether its by design or less deliberate means, you owe yourself the clarity that you possess to protect yourself and not get lost in the issues that are consuming them (and potentially yourself). Protect your back.

[Open Eyes]

@QuietRobot996 checking to see how you are doing.

I understand that you want to be supportive etc, but when someone has alcohol abuse problems, over time they can develop psychotic episodes and experience auditory hallucinations. It’s especially bad to use alcohol and psych medications.

This problem can end up causing a partner trauma from dealing with the mood swings that present with alcohol abuse.

It’s not unusual for a person to go back to drinking and even going out to be around others that have a party hangout. I am sharing this because my husband abused alcohol and while he has been sober, he has tried to help others that are sober for a while and then go back out to the hangouts to drink with others they call friends but are just others that tend to have the same problem. It is a very narcissistic disease and a partner ends up living around the other persons mood shifts and even psychotic breakdowns. This is not something a partner can fix. This is something the alcohol abuser has to dedicate themselves to and that means changing a lifestyle and walking away from the hangouts and drinking buddies/friends. Some individuals never commit to making this change.

[QuietRobot996]

Well, here's where we are today. She straightened up for a month for no reason, then started sneaking drinks again yesterday (bought a handle of Vodka at Trader Joe's). She kept me up all night pacing the house listening to music - I work at a hospital, and am on-call this week - so you can imagine the sleep deprivation I'm on right now. I need to vent to get my head straight.


I have since put a door lock on the one room where all my stuff is. She broke 2 guitars (I fixed them both) and threatened me physically with my cordless drill this morning. I notified her parents again of her drinking complete with a text including the vodka bottle. According to her, her parents "recovered the $5000 for her mental health" as a result. She's going to find before too long she has nobody to turn to if that's true. THis whole nightmare kicked off last year with a "suicide attempt" when she took some pills from an ex-bandmate's girlfriend that she was still friend's with (I was in the band, not her), and got committed to an asylum after the hospital I worked at failed to hold her for 72 hours. After that, her car got totalled - the whole situation was really shady and weird, almost seemed like corrupt cops mixed with her drinking (she did not take a breathalyzer test and wishes they had - which is one of her "covers" is to say "I wish I had a drink" if I call her on it, or "That cop never tested me, WTF?"). I bought her better used car with the insurance money - when we divorce, which is what I'm starting down the path over again today, she gets to keep it. I'm happy with my older truck that's solid and reliable.


ADHD is what she says she's been diagnosed with. She's currently on Sertraline for sleep, Propranolol (as a "placebo" or so she says), Zoloft, and some kind of ADHD medication. For a time she improved taking it, now she does not take it consistently - usually because she's been drinking. That's how I have found out. Her "reasons for drinking "Change constantly, one minute it's because of her parents, next minute my parents, then me, then how I don't sleep with her anymore (it's kind of hard to be attracted to someone this erratic - it's not sexy at all). Part of how I can tell when she's bought vodka is all of her symptoms come back because she's not taking her medication on a consistant schedule. She's also on water pills for her liver - which yo-yos because she starts drinking again, gets ascities and sometimes jaundice, sometimes needing paracentesis at the hospital, then goes back home, stays off the booze for awhile, gets thin and fit, acts normal, and then starts it all over again.

Sometimes it feels like the utilizes her alcoholism as a form of manipulation. She used to constantly claim she was a "master manipulator" - I though she was joking - apparently it should have been a red flag and she for once in her life told the truth.


Right now - the main two things I need to do is get a separate bank account from our joint one, as that's where she's getting money for alcohol, I know that "divorce" can take from any new accts, but this is more for the alcoholic problem. Yesterday I had to take out a $300 signature loan because our grocery bills are more expensive than they should be for what she bought - even WITH inflation. Then I need to get storage for my personal stuff I don't want damaged/lost/stolen/pawned/whatever other stupid **** the woman might do. I already have a padlock, and I don't have much I intend to keep - in a way, I want to "clean house" a bit in all of this and get ready to be a hermit the rest of my life. I'm done with love.

[Open Eyes]

@QuietRobot996 I’m so sorry you are going through this (((caring hugs))). Being married to an alcoholic takes a toll on one’s mental health. There is nothing you can do and your state of mind that you have expressed is sadly common and if you look for Alanon meetings near you, you will meet others like yourself at different stages of accepting and healing. Statistically, most marriages that has a person that is alcoholic ends in divorce. This is a VERY selfish narcissistic disease. The relationship IS all about the alcohol and there is no room for any kind of normal healthy relationship.

And there is ALWAYS a reason to drink as alcoholics are always THE VICTIM. And yes! They can get mean and even cruel at times. Also, as is the case with a narcissist, because you know the truth, you are the bad guy. They are DISORDERED people. And tend to be addicted to the drama too. They tend to be very immature and needy people.

You really need to distance yourself for your own mental health. It’s normal to not want any relationship, that’s because this disease leaves a partner emotionally exhausted. Some even develop ptsd because as you describe they get stuck in hyper vigilant state and become sleep deprived.

It’s time to let go.

[QuietRobot996]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

You really need to distance yourself for your own mental health. It’s normal to not want any relationship, that’s because this disease leaves a partner emotionally exhausted. Some even develop ptsd because as you describe they get stuck in hyper vigilant state and become sleep deprived.

It’s time to let go.

I'm trying to distance but it's nearing meaning leaving our apartment. She tried to bust down the door on numerous occasions, threatened me with a cordless drill in the shower, and scratched up my arm with her fake nails she put on on halloween. And that's just this morning.

Right now she's texting and calling, telling me not to call, then trying to get me to pick up the phone and argue with her at work. She blames lack of intimacy one minute, then says I'm a liar/manipulator the next - funny since all I've done is spoken the truth in this scenario (not hard to do when you're ready to go). Considering calling a crisis hotline because today has not been easy and this is really raising my anxiety levels.

What's ****ed is she had "a session" with the APRN from the psychologist she belongs to and now that APRN is suggesting a book and filling in for her therapist because she seems to hate every one SHE picks and then wants to change a couple months later.

Her parents got dragged into this when we tried to have her committed last year. They drove up 5 hours to put her in behavioral health. Most peaceful 5 days I had in years. She started off doing the work. Now her parents are on HER side - or so she says - and is using them to manipulate me so she can control the narrative and drive a wedge between everyone. Seriously, I'm done, **** relationships, **** family.

[downandlonely]

That situation sounds almost impossible. Is there anyone you can stay with? Sounds like you fear for your safety staying with her.

No point in asking an alcoholic why they drink. They will make up all sorts of reasons, but the truth is they don't have a good reason. It's an addiction.

[Open Eyes]

If she has been getting physical you may need to have a restraining order put in place.

I believe you! Some people get mean and abusive when they drink.