[RDMercer]

I've posted a lot before.

The woman I'm with now is not who she was when we married, or even who she was a few years ago.

I've torn myself apart, especially in the last 5 years, trying to get things right.

I've seen her mind and thinking change so much.

Things have been quiet and respectful here.

This morning she talked about something personal to her, and out of old habit, I cradled her cheeks and kissed the top of her head.

And emotionally, it felt terrible.

I loved her so much, and it's broken apart.

I have revisited and revisited stuff on here and in counselling for years, and I wouldn't change much of what I've done.

I'm mourning 20+ years of connection.

This really sucks

RDM

[divine1966]

It’s not easy but I’d focus on the fact that you have children. If you haven’t met her or stayed long enough, you’d not have the children you have. They’d not exist. So that’s positive

[Open Eyes]

It’s ok to vent here if you need it. Having someplace to talk things out is helpful, better than holding it all in.

Don’t feel bad for being who you are in terms of being loving and kind. Sometimes other people change and want a different life. Doesn’t mean you are not worthy. People also change hormonally as they age and that can affect their entire outlook on life.

((Hugs)))

[SlumberKitty]

HUGS RDM this sounds so hard and heavy and sad. HUGS.

RDMercer, sending you hugs.

[RDMercer]

Thanks everyone.

That was a really low day for me.

I don't hate her, I'm not full of anger at her, but I can't fix this. Acceptance is hard.

[Rastana]

I hope you find peace. Grieving a loss of love and marriage is as difficult as dealing with death. It's the same grieving process and it is soooo hard. Hugs to you.

[Have Hope]

Hugs to you - I am going through a divorce, as you know, and I know how hard it is. I was only with my husband for less than 5 years, but still, when you've devoted yourself for so long to a loved one, it can be hard to accept and let go. Acceptance and making peace with the ending are crucial for moving forward. Sending comfort and strength.

[Orwellian Nightmare]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Acceptance and making peace with the ending are crucial for moving forward.

I agree with this.
Thank you for restating it.
Everyone has to find their own way through those challenging early months.

[downandlonely]

I'm glad you have reached acceptance. It's perfectly natural to grieve the end of a relationship.

[RDMercer]

We're still in the same house. She is now talking, sometimes, about working things out, provided I am willing to accept a lot of the blame for where we are at in our relationship.

Then it can all go sideways in a heartbeat.

Two nights ago she got some good news at work. I went to her work and left a gift on the seat of her car to celebrate. Yesterday she called me on her way to work in the morning. She said it was the last straw because I forgot to put gas in the car. She had enough gas to get to work, but I'd forgotten to fill it on the way home. So, she was done with me and needed out of this relationship because she couldn't stand my "bull$$it and double standards". All because I came home from work late and forgot to fill up the car. In over 20 years, that is the first time that has happened, and I have never gotten angry at her for not filling the car.

Then everything was fine at home yesterday evening after work until she asked me a question while I was sneezing. Then I sneezed a second time. Then a third time. She irritated that I didn't answer her right away, though she could see I was sneezing. She stormed off because I was "ignoring her."

A few weeks ago our oldest sat with me on the couch. He was quiet for several minutes, then said, "I think I love who I thought mom was, and I don't know what to do."

That made me sick and I cried after. I think about it every day since.

This is so sad. I don't know what happened. I really think Wernicke's dementia was part of this. I really loved who she was and tried to be her person.

RDM

[Open Eyes]

I’m sorry, it’s not unusual for the person with AUD to blame their partner. They can even convince others to see them as a victim and offer support.

It can get very confusing in is it safe to be caring or not. Yet, your feelings really don’t matter, instead it’s all about their needs. And now you are the bad guy. And she probably has others supporting her as “the victim”

[RDMercer]

I think you can all look at my past posts and see that at some point I began to be aware that the kids were seeing things, and it wasn't just my perceptions.

This is bad, because I've drawn the kids into things more. I honestly feel insane. My perceptions of things in our past and hers are so different.

Last night she wanted to address my lack of commitment to date nights. Pointing out that she broke plans often because she wasn't feeling well, because she connected with friends, because she had homework... None of that was true.

She said I had an abrupt and self-righteous tone when talking to her last night. I said, you're probably right and that isn't helping anything. I'm sorry. I'll change that. Since we are talking about tone though, can we talk about how angry you got on Thursday about the car, and the yelling and swearing? No. That never happened.

The re-telling of our past it just as bad. So I'm asking the kids about stuff because I feel crazy.

I'm looking at what divorce settlements are going to cost long term. I'm pretty low today.

[Have Hope]

@RDMercer, I am sorry you're feeling so low.

I will be blunt though: you are being abused by your wife, and have been for a very long time. I said this to you long ago in one of your other threads. She is just downright abusive to you - deflecting, gaslighting, blaming and turning the tables all around, putting you down, yelling and insults? These are ALL emotional and verbal abuse tactics.

To give you some sense of hope: I left my abusive husband and I am SO much happier now. I feel at peace for the 1st time in 5 years. I feel truly happy and more like myself again for the 1st time in 5 years. I am coming alive again - and my happy cells within my body are now opening up - I feel all lit up inside... I am glowing and it's because I finally decided I had to take care of myself, regain my sanity and get out of the negativity I was feeling all the time. And it feels AMAZING.

So, I want to encourage you on your path - it hurts now and sucks now and for a while to come yet, but the light IS at the end of the tunnel. You will be free of abuse, which I cannot emphasize ENOUGH, is SO freeing and SO empowering.

And to give you some advice that has worked well for me with my abuser: I would limit your conversations with her to only be as necessary. I would draw a boundary and tell her that you will not discuss your relationship any further. It's over and you are divorcing. This will protect you emotionally from her attacks & blame tactics- and this is what you must do for yourself in order to feel better. Be guarded and protect yourself. Stop giving - the relationship is over and the dynamic is changing. You are no longer her caretaker and you don't need to give her gifts that she won't appreciate anyways. SET LIMITS.

If you do these things, you will be far better off and will feel healthier too.

Wishing you well.

[RDMercer]

Went to coffee this morning with youngest kid.

Kid talked a lot about things just being "off" with Mom's thinking.

I feel so much guilt for talking to the kids about stuff they've seen. I have actually examined my level of delusion in counselling because I thought I was losing my mind. It's been that bad.

After my interaction with her last night I came away again feeling insane.

[Have Hope]

That's exactly how abusers operate. I wish you all the best.

[divine1966]

Sadly in addition to being an abuser your wife played a role of incapacitated helpless creature for most of her adulthood (you were supposed to fill up her gas? 16-year olds fill up their own gas. It’s not rocket science).

Yes it’s going to cost you. And that’s what many people like her count on. A nice guy will feel too guilty leaving such helpless person and he’s go broke supporting himself, kids, household and now her. So many stay put for those reasons.

Date night? She can’t be serious.

As about why she’s this way. We can’t determine online but it sounds like she’s a typical addict with untreated addiction and some other untreated mental illness, in addition she has entitled attitude and likes to play a victim regurgitating how everyone does her wrong: that’s a character flaw.

You can’t fix her. You might have to live modestly after divorce. That’s just money. But you’ll be free of abuse

[Open Eyes]

I’m sorry ((hugs)) that you end up so emotionally confused. Unfortunately, that is how having a partner that abused/abuses alcohol impacts someone. It’s a very narcissistic disease and everything revolves around how they feel and that can vary depending on how much alcohol is in their system. Their addiction is drinking and drama. You don’t know if it’s safe to be caring or not and the next thing you know you are being blamed as the toxic one. And the mood swings can get negative when they continue to consume ending an evening with some altercation and angry accusations.

What you are describing about how confused you are is typical of what one experiences when their partner has AUD. If you were to go to an alanon meeting you would meet others who experience the same kind of emotional confusion and exhaustion you are describing.

I may have mentioned how the AUD can lead to psychotic breaks and auditory hallucinations. So how can one expect any normal kind of relationship with these challenges? It’s not and you wil be blamed so it’s best to end the madness for your own mental health.

[RDMercer]

Thank you, everyone.

You're all anonymous to me.

I've purposely, over the years, swapped between saying we have 2 or 3 kids, swapped genders for one kid, and been a little elusive about where we live, all due to being scared of ever being identified from something someone read online.

But I've tried very, very hard to be honest about me, about my screw ups, my thinking, or whatever.

I have torn myself apart for years trying to figure out why I irritated the heck out of my wife, why nothing I said was right, or good enough, why it was like I was expected to be something more... Always.

Through this board, counselling, and some strong validation from coworkers during Covid of my attributes, and some strong validation from some friends and family of how deeply reliable I am when it came to caring for them, I finally started going... "Maybe its nit me, or at least not ALL me."

That has been the demise of my marriage.

Me saying, yes, I've screwed up, it's really hurt, I'm sorry, and it won't happen again, but let's also talk about what me and the kids need from you.

Right now, she's saying she'll stay if I apologize for everything, for ALL our issues in the last two years.

I can't accept that. My self worth these days won't let me.

Thanks for letting me talk. Thanks for listening. Thanks for insights, sharing, support. Thank you, each of you.

RDMercer

[Open Eyes]

People with alcohol or drug use problems like to blame problems on others. They use alcohol to regulate their mood and it gets increasingly harder and they tend to be in denial.

If they stop drinking that doesn’t change the problem and can become a dry drunk. A person needs to be in a program along with therapy to identify and correct their problem. This is NOT the responsibility of a partner.

There is a lot more help and support than there used to be. It’s important you get support for the hurt you have resulting from having a partner that lives in the disease and all the delusions and illusions that lifestyle creates.

[RDMercer]

This is so confusing right now.

My oldest is a couple years older than I've let on before. He is out of high school and is working now. He's a good young man.

My wife is clear, she wants to fix up the house and part ways in April.

Our son has been so, so upset for months now. He is avoiding being home. Being home affects him physically, as he becomes sick to his stomach. Yesterday he told me he needed to know fully what is going on. Specifically, he wanted to know if he and I could get a place together and share costs for a few years. He says he knows I will need financial support, that my income won't cover two households.

He said, he needs to have a plan to feel like he is moving forward because otherwise the depression and anxiety is becoming overwhelming. If I can't help him define a plan, then he has to start thinking about building one with his girlfriend, but he doesn't think moving in together at such a young age is a good idea.

What should I have done? What would you have done in my situation?

I told him I don't want to get divorced. I told him that if me and mom are staying together, big things have to happen in a short period of time. I told him I am thinking and planning more than I am telling him. I would like to see things change and us all stay together as a family BUT I also can't be suddenly without a plan if she sticks to her plan to leave in April. I told him I am depressed about this, but that I am figuring out how to support him and his siblings if mom leaves, because we need stability. If we stay together, part of what has to change is that Mom has to show a strong effort towards the kids, because I can't expect the kids to swallow all this and not be validated by their mom. Mom has said and done some hurtful things towards the kids.

My son disclosed some of this to his mom, and she accused me of: turning the kids against her, building alliances and dividing the family, building a plan to leave while pretending to want to stay together, telling me I am not co-parenting with her, and I am not treating her like a partner. There's no hope for any future because she can't trust me with anything.

And this is the thing.... All those things have a some truth in them. I am doing all those things, and I feel immense guilt about it. But I didn't create this situation.

I can't end up homeless because of it, and I can't leave a very young man with no place to go, and risk him making a desperate decision. HE MATTERS TOO. I can't end up in a way that the kids don't have stability.

It's like... there's truth to so much of what she says to me and the faults she finds with me, and it is completely removed from any greater context. Her contribution, the things she did to cause me to HAVE to speak to our son like that, that doesn't matter. She is totally blameless.

RDM

[Bill3]

Your wife has announced her plans. My advice is to figure out yours, and not allow yourself to be paralyzed by hope or your desire not to get divorced.

Do you have an attorney? I think you should.

It must have been hard to hear her announce her plans to leave while simultaneously criticizing you for considering doing the exact same thing.

It also must have been hard to hear her say that you are not treating her like a partner (when she already announced, and long made clear, that she isn't one).

If your son is out of high school then he no longer is obligated to be parented, much less co-parented, by anyone. He is his own man, and his offer to you is completely within bounds. What do you think of his offer? Keeping in mind that you need an actual plan for April.

(Be mindful in the future that anything you tell your kids can get back to your wife.)

In general, I urge you to ignore her accusations and guilt trips.

(She, not you, turned the kids against her.)

She's always going to blame you for everything.

How is your daughter doing? What will happen to her in April?

[RDMercer]

My oldest is pursuing a trade through a union.

He'll be making a very good wage by January.

His plan.... We buy a place together, fix it, sell it. Repeat. Build a financial cushion. He said, "I've got money, but you have a credit history. We need to do this together."

Buy places close to younger kids school so that younger kid can stay with us and not change schools.

Younger kid asked him if we could all live together, because doesn't want to live with Mom, and doesn't want him to move away yet.

Oldest asked me if we live like this for five years, until the youngest is out of school.

I'm exploring ways to generate more income. I appreciate my son's offer, and have told him so, and told him I don't want him to feel he has to take on this degree of responsibility. I'm the Dad. It's my role, and he has a place with me. He's not expected to sacrifice himself for us.

I love my wife. I still "see" her through all this. But she's pushed this so far there's no easy return. She told the kids her plans, including April departure, over a month ago.

But me trying to figure out a way forward and talking to the oldest about it is wrong??? Even though he was intears worried about the future on his own.

You guys know there are two rules for success.

1) Don't reveal everything you know.


RDM

[*Beth*]

I'm not very familiar with your situation. That said, and forgive me if I'm overstepping boundaries - what is the reason you're talking to your children about their mother? Are you trying to encourage your children to take your side, or "see" your side of things? If so, doing that is neither wise nor fair. Please. Please stop asking your children to take sides against their mother. If you're listening to them - great. If you're telling them - no, just no.

Frankly, I've seen a lot of men post on this forum about how rotten their marriage has become and almost all of it is their wife's fault. I've been married for 40 years and in my experience it really does take two to tango. A lot of wives take the blame for finally becoming bitter and resentful, or for seeking out other relationships, after they've put up with hurt and neglect from their husbands for years.

And I would be very cautious about the "leave your abusive wife right now" advice. Perhaps it's a smart step to take - but maybe it is not. No one but you really knows.

Just some quick thoughts.

[Open Eyes]

Actually @*Beth* his children have been coming to him concerned about their mother’s behaviors. It’s best to read what is shared first.