Dating After Abuse and Dealing With Life Changes

I agree - many red flags. You deserve better. You could even say next time in the beginning, something like "I'm interested in someone who wants to develop a committed relationship at some point, not just casual." Emphasis on the AT SOME POINT. At least it lets people like Jay opt out early so they don't wast your time.

I thought he said early on that he thinks he can’t commit to anyone in a long run like living with anyone. I think it’s pretty direct. Also many people don’t know if they’d want to commit or commit to a particular person when they start dating. Not everyone could make than announcement right away, but he did it pretty early on. I’d give him that. People often reveal themselves and their intentions early on. It’s just that we don’t always want to hear it.

Excellent advice!!! Thank you!!

I thought he may change his mind about living together, IF we happened to fall in love and have a real relationship for a year or so.

I get it but the only way to do it is “what you see is what you get”. Otherwise you are risking to waste your time in hopes someone changes their mind. Too many women wait for men to change their minds on having children or marrying or this or that while life passes them by.

Typically if a man tells you he isn’t interested in commitment, it’s to let you know he’s only up to casual stuff. In addition to acting aloof at public events after sleeping together, including not even dancing with you or next to you at the club (the first time it happened), was a clear message that he doesn’t mind good fun but he’s not interested in anything more and will live his life and you live yours.

You even had to ask his friend if Jay likes you, and that’s after he slept with you! You don’t ever have to ask such thing. You’d know. If the guy sleeps with you but then doesn’t even stand by you at the bar, no second chances. Bye. We’re done. You are too nice and you always give second chances. No need for that. I am p…d off half the time on your behalf reading about these bozos.

Now there’s no judgement as I did same stupid stuff myself! Plenty! But we are getting too old for this stuff. No second chances. No guessing how they feel. No hoping they’ll change. Nope. No second chances. Bye bye

You're right. I had forgotten about that night - early on, when Jay wouldn't dance or even stand next to me at the bar and I had to ask his friend if he liked me.

Thank you for your angry feelings on my behalf... I have to stop being so open minded, and I think that's where I start to bend and flex on issues as they arise. It's great food for thought for me. TY.

I did this, too, when I was young. It stemmed from low self esteem, hoping they’d come to see me, love me. I could win them over when they were just not that into me. It is this seeking the unavailable, like I said.

You are a business professional. If you needed to secure a client who wanted a commitment, you wouldn’t waste your time on one who was telling you they did not. There was your not wanting to hear him that is part of the seeking the unavailable. Just food for thought and I hope it is helpful. Hugs to you.

Thanks.. it's all OK, and it's all good. I was still going through my divorce and gravitated towards a guy who had qualities that were missing in my ex. But he doesn't want a relationship, I do eventually, and it's all a part of my own progress and learning.

Today, I lead my workshop and am very excited!!!

Hope it went well!

Thanks @Samicat.

I think it went pretty well. My friend who owns the farm said it went well at least. I need to follow up with her again today to get the FULL lowdown.

I had a very small audience due to a downpour of rain (4 people). It was held outside, and the rain was pretty loud and may have drowned me out a bit.

I also felt off a bit off, like my full happy self was not present? I don't know.. I just didn't feel entirely like myself... my energy felt off. I haven't been sleeping the best, so that likely contributed.

And instead of reading my notes all the way through like I had planned, I tried to present without my notes a lot of the time by doing improv. And when I stray from what I truly want to say, I end up not getting the message across as well.

At the very least, I believe my passion for the topic came across...

And I did earn $150. I had NO idea that I would even be paid. Each person only paid $10, so the farm owner gave me far more than I had anticipated.

After I finished, one woman told me that I should keep doing this.

The woman who owns the farm wrote me a note after I got home, saying "absolutely fabulous!" Then, when I asked if she thought the workshop was valuable/helpful, she wrote "For sure, very comprehensive."

Earlier she had told me that I seemed very comfortable presenting, and that is went "smoothly".

However, I am very critical of my own performance. As we know, I am perfectionistic, so I wanted this workshop to be delivered in the way that I had hoped and planned. I am not feeling that great about my performance or delivery, despite the positive feedback. I am hard on myself, and I know this.

I want to follow up with the farm owner again, to see what feedback she received from the audience and if she has any constructive criticism for me for the next time I do this.

Interestingly enough, on my drive home as I was internally critiquing my performance, I saw a sign on another car's window that said "please be patient. Student driver", and I thought this was very suitable for me to see at that very moment... I am learning, and it was only my first workshop, so I have to be patient with myself.

Sounds like you did great. I was very impressed with the presentation and I'm sure they enjoyed it.


Yes, absolutely give yourself a break - it's always easy to go over it afterwards and worry that it wasn't perfect.

Yes it easy to pick it apart and critique it... and thanks so much.

I feel more reassured now. The farm owner, my friend, told me yesterday that she thought it was excellent.

Jay contacted me out of the blue yesterday, mainly because it was Wed, the night I usually go to see the same music as he. Well, he reached out to tell me that he has "nothing but positive reflections" about me, so I wrote a nice but brief note in return, and received no reply. I had told him I wasn't going to see the band since I had a webinar to do. Then later on in the night, as I was driving home from where I was, I wrote him a follow up text to say "I hope you had fun. I ended up in JP". I did end up going out, but to see a different band. He didn't reply to that text either, and I know he was out and about at that point in the night.

So, I feel insulted. What a jerk. I don't appreciate it when people don't reply to texts. I find it to be very rude and inconsiderate. On top of all else with him, this takes the cake for me.

Some people just don't know what to say at times. At least now you know communication is something you highly value in a partner and you can tell the next person you are interested in what your expectation is.

I have a friend who needs a lot of communication. I often need to think about what to say to her. I sometimes have to tell her I don't know what to say and need some time to put my thoughts together. Would a response like that work for you? If she hadn't told me long ago that no response caused her feelings of abandonment and fear of being unimportant I wouldn't have known I needed to tell her I wasn't ready to respond. Could you picture yourself explaining why you need a response ?

It's hard when expectations aren't met. It's hard for the people who don't live up to them too. I think it's good to figure out why and find a compromise in a conflict like this.

Definitely if you were still dating, not replying would be rude. But the relationship is over. If he replied to you, you’d say something back and then you’d be upset he didn’t reply to that. Then if he did, you’d consider it rude not to reply yourself, then you’d say something etc Then it would never end. At some point someone needs to stop.

His message to you that he has only positive thoughts was to leave this on good terms and also a delayed reply to your declaration of love at the break up (he possibly thought of what to say). When he said he has good things to say about you, you reply with the nice message back and it’s a closure. It’s done.

But then you initiated communication with him later (not as a part of closure conversation) about what clubs you went. It doesn’t sound like a follow up to anything as he didn’t ask you anything and you aren’t in a relationship or dating. I don’t think he is a jerk here. What did you want him to say?

He could have said something like, yeah, it was a good show, hope you had fun too.. or, hope to see you again at the show sometime.. anything polite and nice. I just think it's very rude to not reply at all. That's me though and my personal preferences and style of communication. We do not mesh. Our communication styles differ and oppose each other.

On a totally separate note, I just had the MOST interesting chat I've had in a very long time!!! This guy reached out to me on Facebook out of the blue this morning. We are friends on Facebook through mutual friends, & we like the same music and run in the same crowd, but we've never met I don't think in person. He used to be a Buddhist monk, and is a practicing Buddhist. He is self employed and wants to return to school to study Tibetan medicine. This is beyond fascinating to me - he is probably one of the MOST interesting people I have come across in a very long time. He says he has had a very difficult life, and so have I... we connected on this level. We chatted for about an hour, and he is going to connect me with a headhunter friend of his who works in the IT industry. Anyways, it was really interesting to chat with him, and most refreshing too.... Hmmm..... I am pondering this. He meditates.

I understand style of communication and have the same style but not with men I broke up with. With the ones I am with and my friends I do have this style too-actively communicating. Must we actively communicate with everyone we dated? I don’t think so

People break up for a reason. It was a short romance and at some point one of you need to stop communication. Yeah he could reply something nice but then you’d reply back as it’s rude not to reply and it would be rude for him not to reply again. If you are broken up how do you stop the cycle if you always have to reply to each other.

Of course you don’t mesh well and that’s why you aren’t together. I am just surprised you expect active communication going after break up. It was a brief romance and it’s ok to move on. You expected something from him he couldn’t deliver while you were dating and now you are broken up, you still expect something he can’t and doesn’t want to deliver.

I expect people to be polite. You can end the conversation without it being circular by just saying "see ya" or "talk to you later". It doesn't have to go on endlessly as you describe. Yes, I have expectations in behavior, and that behavior does not meet my standards or expectations, even as distant or polite acquaintances again. That's my standard. I don't understand your issue with it, especially since you're always espousing having higher standards from others.

I read his text to you the same way as Divine. He texted you prior to being somewhere he thought you’d likely be. He did it because he didn’t want a confrontation with you if he saw you there. He didn’t want to leave it an open ended conversation to not open the door to more communication and relationship with you. It was a peace offering text, a truce, IMHO.

That’s what I am saying. Yes.

I see it differently, and we are only just conjecturing about his intentions. We really don't know what his intentions were.

He did finally get back to me this morning.. so I did get a reply.

I keep hearing in this, that a lot of times, women get in trouble with men because they dont want to be seen as impolite. So they respond when they should really keep a boundary. Which is what jay is doing, holding his boundary. So im not buying this oh he is rude argument. Also it sounds like your stbexh's behavior more than yours, like you learned it from him. He desensitized you to it by encroaching on your boundaries all the time.

Never mind. I am getting annoyed. Let's please drop the subject, thanks.

I do try to have high standards and expect those from other people but expecting exes to continue texting me after break up doesn’t fit into high standards because it’s not fully reasonable expectation. After ex provides you with polite and kind closure, if you want to continue communication it’s not other person’s responsibility. Now he could reply that he doesn’t want this back and forth, but it would be hurtful. He already provided nice closure.

Looks like he actually responded. Well it’s all good now. He seems like a nice guy who doesn’t want to be hurtful