Dating After Abuse and Dealing With Life Changes

I guess so. It kinda sucks.

You texted him, THEN his friend, because you were anxious about seeing the ex at the funeral do? Did you expect them to fight for you? Thats the first thing that would have occurred to me, that you were setting him up to get in a fight. I dont remember if you said he had any kind of record, but i think he would really want to avoid something like that, esp if he had weed on him!

Also, i really hate when people use "poor me" to manipulate or control other people. My mother and her sister were ALWAYS dying if me and my cousin didnt obey them. They were the strongest weak people i ever met. They always got their way.

If you have anxiety, you have to learn how to deal with it, on your own. Dont use it as an excuse to forge (or force) connections - that has to be a very unstable bond. Its not the real you, and its not the real other person. So any connection is meaningless.

You cannot use "i was anxious" as an excuse. Or as a basis for a relationship. Or "he reassures me." About what?

He and his friend were both clued into what was happening all along with my ex, including the fact that he was abusive. I didn’t manipulate or force anything. We had two road trips together, the three of us, and I talked a bit about my ex on those rides. Your post is most off putting. Your accusing me of things I’m not guilty of… as though I’m some sort of manipulator, una. I’m not. I have every right to gather my support system in the face of my ex who is abusive. I really don’t appreciate your post and it’s very triggering and unkind… very victim blaming too.

Building support is important and clearly you had expectations that Jay and his friend didn't reach. I think moving on is the only option left. As for not contacting you while sailing in the Caribbean, cell service is pretty spotty in the middle of water and unless the boat had the battery power to power a remote wi fi signal and basically be a floating cell tower, there may not have been a signal to use to call or text you.

From my perspective, you made an assumption that Jay was ignoring your texts with the intention of cruelly trying to hurt you. It's entirely possible that his intention was to figure out what he needed to say and how to say it before saying it. Many people like to think about their words before saying them because they don't want to say the wrong things or do the wrong things. You may be more impulsive than he is, which may mean you two weren't as compatible as you thought. If you want and expect one thing and he wanted and expected something else, things would have likely fizzled at some point.
One thing I know for sure, life has challenges we need to overcome and learn from. I hope this challenge brings you what you need.

Thanks, @RollercoasterLover.

Actually, Jay had wifi the whole time he was in the Caribbean. He called me 4-5 different times and was in touch at least once every day. It was after his trip that I am referring to.

And no, I don't think Jay meant to be cruel by not replying when I was anxious about seeing my ex. I think he likely was trying to figure out what to say and how to say it, as you stated.

Yes, my expectations were different than his. I expected him to want to engage more with me than he had been over the last 2 months, to show increasingly more interest, and to move closer to forming a real relationship.

But instead, he continued to keep things at a great distance - too great a distance for me - even after inviting me to go on a trip with him.

I figured after I had driven a distance to visit him at HIS home, that he would be more engaged than he was - but he still kept our communications and relationship at the same distant level. I determined that I am not going to continue to drive 5 hours round trip to see him if he's going to still keep me at such a distance.

He moves very slowly - too slowly for me... I don't need or want things to develop fast - NO. I want things to unfold at a more natural pace .

But after 2 months of sleeping together and hanging out together on a weekly basis, I did expect more, and he did not show enough interest to keep me around. I guess I figured after 2 months, that he would naturally be wanting to bring me in closer to him, but he did not.

I wouldn't say this was a challenge - I would say that this was a lesson in relationships and a lesson about my own pace. I got frustrated, and it showed.

Thanks again for your input, and thanks for being supportive.

On a totally separate note, I just paid for a life coaching certification course. I received a 90% discount offer, so I only paid $49 for a $500 course, and it's a bundled certification. It's not accredited by the ICF, which requires client-facing hours. It's a self paced online course and is accredited by the BBB and by the Continuing Professional Development Standards Agency for continuing education credits. Life coaching is an unregulated industry, so there really are no set industry standards, though many life coaching programs ARE accredited through ICF.

Since I am having a tough time getting a job, this is my plan B - to start offering life coaching sessions. I am leading a workshop this coming weekend to kickstart my biz. It should lead to additional workshops down the road...

I am getting excited!!!

What would you coach people on? Specific topics or general well being?

Happiness, personal development, personal/professional goals, and overall well being. I have a happiness blog that I started years ago and have written 55 plus articles. I have a happiness Facebook fan page and have 3200 followers. My workshop this upcoming weekend is focused on overcoming obstacles to happiness. I have a foundation to build on... my main/primary focus will be on happiness and overcoming the most common obstacles to happiness.

I do have a background in social work/counseling psychology/mental health... I have gone to graduate school for social work and counseling psychology. I didn't finish my degrees, but I did attend graduate school for a year and a half.

I am starting to get cold feet. My workshop came about because my friend asked me to do one. So, I said yes, and decided to also offer life coaching sessions for those people who wanted more assistance. But, can I really build a solid life coaching business that earns me enough money to stay in my apt and live?

My mother has offered to buy a condo as an investment. She has offered this condo to me to live in, and she also offered that I can choose the location and the condo itself, as long as it's within her budget. She says I can live rent-free and only pay the condo fee and utilities. We are going to start looking in the fall, once my sister pays her back for money owed. I love this arrangement, which means I would have to break my lease and find a sublet to take over my lease. It would be prudent of me to move into the condo and live rent free.

Last night I went to bed worried I am making a mistake. I would be switching gears and putting my energy into a new business, and not into my current industry.

I post a lot on my happiness Facebook page about being positive in life, and about remaining positive in the face of adversity. And this is exactly where I am at: needing to remain positive in the face of adversity. I am not getting many interviews. Instead, I am getting multiple and repeated job rejections.

I feel like it's the Universe guiding and steering me in a different direction. I need to trust it, which is challenging for me when I need to be able to pay rent and bills, etc.

Maybe it's just too early in the morning, I am thinking too much, and I need more coffee to think more clearly. Anxiety can sometimes interfere with my ability to trust the process.

Can you go back to school and finish? A year and a half takes you pretty far in grad school.

You could do expedite program and there are many online options. Sure it’s a student loan but it might not be as much as it sounds. Clinical psychology is typically a bit longer program but social work is doable. It’s a stable job and you still have 15-20 years of work left. Of course if you don’t want to go back to school I get it.

Life coaching is a nice side gig. But no you aren’t going to make a living. Even if you would, it would not happen right away. It’s not sustainable and I’d not bid on that. As a side income though, it would be great. See how that workshop goes.

Rent free condo would be very convenient of course. I assume mom buys it up front with no mortgage? Breaking lease is expensive though. Whatever happened with roommates? Are you still looking?

Can you just take any job? And supplement it with life coaching or some other gig?

You don’t have to answer questions, it’s just a food for thought

I have no interest in getting or finishing my degree in social work or counseling psychology. I have no interest in returning to graduate school and in accruing more debt. That's not the direction I wish to take. Plus, in order to get licensed in those fields, you must work in the field post graduate studies.

You can certainly make a full-time living as a life coach and many do, I've read. On average, I read that life coaches make over $60/hour. Sure, it can take time to build a life coaching business, and many people do start by doing it as a side gig.

Given that I know digital marketing already, that's half the battle. You have to market yourself to gain clients, and I've worked in online marketing for 14 years. I have a website already that has traffic, and a fan base. I have a foundation to build from. It's not like I am starting from ground zero.

There would be a mortgage on mom's condo. Anything I put towards it monthly above and beyond the condo fee and utilities would pay for the mortgage, so I can eventually own the condo myself.

I haven't given up on a roommate, but I haven't found anyone who fits the bill yet. Everyone so far has had poor credit, and they must pass a credit check. I am marketing on several different websites.

Yeah 60 an hour is a good pay but for if to be a living wage, you’d need 40 hours a week of this at the minimum. 40 sessions of life coaching week is a lot and would take a long time to build such clientele. But if you feel you can do it snd build a career out of it, then it’s all good. it sounds like perhaps that’s the direction you should take. It might be a new and exciting adventure

Oh I see. I was confused you said she buys it as an investment so i thought she’d want to sell for profit later. I don’t know how old is your mom but it’s impressive she is taking on a mortgage at her age. She probably paid off her current house, otherwise it won’t be easy to carry two mortgages. Is it something she is committed to do for you for sure or is it just talking?

I would charge $100 an hour/ per session, which leaves me with 20 clients per week needed, or 4 per day, in order to make a good living for myself. I had a life coach many years ago who charged $100 per session. 4 sessions per day is manageable for me.

Yes, she has paid off her own mortgage and owns her place so it would just be one mortgage. She is trying to help me out and thinks it's a good investment, all around.

I have a very close friend, who is my best girlfriend these days... well, we talk frequently since I am not working and she is on disability and doesn't work. She has a physical condition that prevents her from working. She was previously a yoga teacher for 8 years. She and I met at work many many years ago and became close friends, so we have a longtime friendship.

I realized in speaking with her about her own life issues, that I am a solution-focused coach and need to work mainly with motivated people who truly want to resolve issues/problems and move forward in life. I have little tolerance or patience for those who are not proactive... and my girlfriend is kind of like this, and it's become frustrating for me.

She complains endlessly about where and how she lives, she complains endlessly about her family dynamics, which are unhealthy and somewhat abusive. She is enmeshed with her family by choice. Yet she continues to complain and be enmeshed. She wants to earn money and get off of disability, but she is constantly distracting herself with her family issues and with her involvement with her father's home and the upkeep of that home.

Last week, she had this false, idealistic notion that she could go off of disability, not reapply and somehow be magically earning money by the end of the month, without any degree, any skills, or experience. I had to convince her to reapply and to not come off of disability until she actually has a solid plan in place for replacing that income.

I am at a place emotionally and mentally where I cannot hear her complain anymore about her living conditions, about wanting to make money, or about her family dynamics. I have given her all the advice I possibly can, and she rarely, if ever, follows it. That's fine, but she is not proactive and she is not a problem solver. To give her some credit though, she did start to learn coding online, yet I don't see her following through with it on a daily or weekly basis. She gets too distracted by her enmeshment with her family. And again, that's by choice.

So I need clients who are motivated to make real changes in their lives - who are ready and willing to do the work necessary..... that's my ideal client. So, now I know my target client, and my friend helped me to identify it.

Ideally those would be the clients. Realistically maybe not.

In my experience, personal and professional, people who need the most help are not the most motivated. People who are the most motivated might not need as much help because they’ll push themselves out of the rut on their own or with a minimal help. I help a lot of people to get on their feet and problem solvers typically aren’t in need of a life coach. The ones who need a life coach need it because they can’t solve their problems without a lot of help.

How do you know this about all those people who seek or want life coaching services? Or are you just guessing?

No one knows everything about all people. That’s why I said phrases like “might not need” or “in my experience”. Yes people I’ve met who were seeking those services were in a bad shape and needed lots of help and weren’t the most motivated. Of course I don’t know them all. Maybe I should have added more of these type of phrases throughout the post, but honestly I was in a rush typing when I have a free minute here and there.

It’s like ideally medical professionals have all patients who take care of their health, but high percentage of people don’t take care of their health so it’s inevitable that you’ll end up with those patients.

Of course if you have ways of advertising and accepting only highly motivated clients, it would be perfect.

Tony Robins only has ambitious and motivated clients as a life coach.

I suggest you practice as a life coach on a close friend as a client for free to get started. There has to be a learning curve to know what to do. I’m not really sure what a life coach does. I think the speech you are giving to the group will be a great start to get comfortable with your new pursuit in this.

I get that you want this to be a career that can support you, but it is going to take a long time to realistically achieve gaining enough paying clients. This is something good for you that you enjoy though, wishing you luck in your endeavor!

If you pursue your own business, take the time to set things up properly. Create an LLC so dissatisfied people can't sue you, just your business. Take the time to understand what's needed and how things like taxes are affected to prevent problems.

Ironically, my ex husband failed to do this. He billed himself as an environmental advisor. He gave a paying customer advice that didn't work. They sued, they won, ex lost his side business and some personal assets because he wasn't operating properly. Then, he had tax problems because he couldn't write off the losses as a business loss.

Be careful. do it wisely and hopefully you'll have your own business soon.

Thanks, peeps! I will do my due diligence. I can make a good living doing this, and will... I always achieve whatever I set out to do. So I can and I will. I may take a part time contract role in my current industry while I build a business... maybe!

Now that sounds like a life coach to me! We have no doubt.

Thanks, Tisha.

So, I thought Jay had left something behind at my home, so I texted him about it last night. It led to talking about us.

I told him I am happy and at peace, overall. Then he said that he isn't ready for something serious..... so I told him I am not at peace about us, and that I had thought we could have had something amazing, but that he wouldn't let it happen. I also told him I was falling in love with him, but that he wasn't with me. He did not reply to that portion of the conversation.

And I think I was falling in love with him... I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I put myself out there, all vulnerable. It's Ok, ultimately, and I will be fine, I am fine.

I just woke up this morning feeling exposed and vulnerable... but that's what love does... you put yourself out there and you make yourself vulnerable. So, I said what I said, and I am not going to feel badly about it or beat myself up over it. And yes, I had the beginning feelings of falling in love.... I had butterflies, I thought about him all the time, I was excited and happy to be with him... I felt good being around his presence.

So, that's that. It's OK. I just won't attend the Wed night show for a couple weeks to let things settle down.