[BrnEyedGrl]

Hi all. This is my first post on this site, other than my hello, so bare with me. I guess I am just looking for a place to tell my story and maybe get some insight from other people on what the possible solutions are to my problem/s. I have been married for 5 years. I didn't have a wedding, it was more of a justice of the peace thing after finding out I was pregnant. I had my son six months later and would NEVER regret making that decision. However, my husband is another story. He is very selfish, very irresponsible, and mentally and verbally abusive constantly. He is an alcoholic who has routinely stayed out all night without calling or coming home. And even after many discussions about how awful he makes me feel, he will do the same thing. I can honestly say at this moment I do not like him at all, my family knows of his behavior and puts up with the situation because of me. I know I can never change this man, but deep down I am a very sensitive person who just cannot admit or maybe does not want to face being alone. I have been dealing with severe anxiety and panic disorder for many, many years. Unfortunately, because of the stress of this relationship, not being able to work, and raising my son pretty much alone....I have become agoraphobic and just terrified of every moment of every day. When I look at the situation, I see a woman who has lost her way in life, who cannot find a way to be happy, and who is stuck without any hope of a better life. I do not know where to even begin to start on the road to recovery, and since I cannot support myself...I am pretty much screwed! Any suggestions, stories, or advice would be so much appreciated. Thanks so much for listening guys, .

[AAAAA]

BrnEyedGrl,

Is he the type that would harrass you even if you left? I know that being on your own raising a child is scary but you're swimming up stream right now with a weight around your neck. Do you have family that you can stay with until you pick up the pieces of your life? Think of a typical day, subtract from it all of the negativity that he brings into your life, would that be a better day?

I know I sound like a broken record (cd to the younger crowd) but I think that people give up on their relationships entirely too easy. The only exception to that oddly is when the relationship is abusive. I do not recommend leaving your spouse lightly.

So here's the questions that you've got to ask yourself. Would your life better off without him? Do you want your son growing up thinking that what he sees is how a relationship should be?

What is the one thing that frightens you so much that you'd rather stay than leave? Is it worse than being in an abusive relationship? You won't be alone forever, and next time you'll see the warning signs!

I'm from Michigan originally myself. There used to be programs out there to help you get back on your feet. If there isn't family around to help, go to a shelter, they'll point you in the right direction.

[nightbird]

you hang in there for yourself, because the future will not even resemble what you are going through now. What I mean is, throw yourself into activities that you like or would love or always wanted to try, like volunteer at a hospital a few hrs. a week, or anyplace he will not be, and enjoy your life there.

Make friends and pick good people who are supportive of your situation and can help you if you need them in the future.
By being supportive towards others, I found, support will show up when you need it most.

By beginning a new journey for yourself, you will find out your strengths and also available positions you could fill that you cannot see from the relationship that is clouding your view and eroding your self-esteem.

You will leave when you are good and ready, meanwhile you can make a plan, and begin living the life you would if he weren't an irresponsible drunk.

If you leave that mind-set at home, and go out into the world to do your best to help yourself, believe me, things you haven't been able to see that will help your life and advance it will become illuminated.

It will work out for you.
Trust yourself.
nightbird

[BrnEyedGrl]

AAAAA and nightbird,
I cannot thank you enough for your awesome replies. I appreciate you taking the time to write so much helpful and uplifting information. I DO need to start living my life the way I want to and do things that will make me happy until I get the courage to leave. I believe that will help me see that I can manage on my own and life would be happier and more stress free. And last, I know that it may take a while but I can do it when Im ready!!! AAAAA-Your right, being alone would not be as bad as in an abusive relationship....I need to make a plan and stick to it so I can bring my son up in a loving, happy, and respectful home. Thank you again, its so nice to have others to turn to who wont judge you....that is such a relief.

[AAAAA]

Anytime BrnEyedGrl, I'm praying for strength and guidance for you! As nightbird said, trust yourself! Good Luck!

[Doh2007]

I'm so sorry you're in this seemingly impossible situation. I was there myself at one time. I couldn't have left, but he did. I didn't think I'd make it, but I did because I had to, for my son. I ended up being able to finish my college education and was stronger than I'd ever been.

Whether you leave or stay, you are a survivor. May you find comfort here.

[Perna]

BrnEyedGrl, there are good colleges and courses you can take from home from accredited schools. Why not take a few courses and see if there's something you like?

http://www.worldwidelearn.com/index.html

If you got interested in something, that interest might make you local friends or there might be something you really wanted to get out and do, etc. which could help with your self esteem and anxiety problems?

[BrnEyedGrl]

Just felt I wanted to vent I guess. Tonight Im feeling depressed because I have been doing so much thinking about my plans that I feel drained, just mentally exhausted. Another thing I realize is that I spend WAY too much time in my home, keeping me like a prisoner who cannot escape. And the saddest thing is I think my husband likes this kind of control. That is the first time I have ever thought of that....so enlightening. And I will give an example of what I am talking about here. After I had my son four years ago, my husband was the worker outside the home and I stayed at home with my son. I did not have a car, we could not afford one, so I could not leave to go anywhere during the day at all, outside the house I guess but that is it. After a few years of this and almost having a nervous breakdown, I found a way to buy a used car in May. In October my husband wrecked his car and started using mine instead of fixing his car, it was going to cost some money. So here we are in February now and I still do not have my car back!!! AND... like clockwork Im so bad with my anxiety and depression and get out of the house only once a week to visit my mom and have dinner with her. It is sad I know, but I now realize one of my biggest triggers for depression and need to change it. Well, I just wanted to get my feelings out and I am going to try to get out of the house at leased two times a week, that will be my first goal!! Anyway.... Thank you all again for your kind words, they help so much!

[Perna]

Do you have a library or post office or anything at all nearby that you could walk to with your son? It's still a bit cold out in some places but if there was somewhere to walk to, it might make a difference. I use to walk the half mile to my post office and mail all my mail there instead of putting it for the mail carrier to take. I even got to mailing myself fun postcards everday. I'd write a little quotation or affirmation or something :-) If you have even just a mailbox at the corner, that can be a good walk, think of an elderly aunt somewhere you can write or something and do the walk to the mailbox to mail it.

[1soslow]

Wow, BrnEyedGrl, this is one area that gets my passions up at arms. It won't be popular, but my advice is to get out. Get out now. Please do find a women's shelter/resource center and make your case known. Volunteer there if it helps you get comfortable more easily.

Your husband will not change. He wants control of you but cannot control himself. It's no way to live for either you or your son and I want to encourage you to take charge of your own life. Your women's resource center is full of useful information on how to plan and execute a safe departure and organize a future. They have volunteers from many walks of life and can offer assistance in any number of areas.

Please take steps to protect yourself, not only emotionally, but physically and financially as well. Foremost, take control of your situation back into your hands and give your innocent son a chance at a secure, loving life.

I'll pray for you, kiddo, I know it's not easy and it is frightening, but you and your son are worth it!

[youOme]

I understand completely, I really do. My first round here at PC I made a very similar post involving the abuse with my husband: verbal and physical. He was very cruel to me at the time and I felt completely trapped..with two children, and no outside support willing to take me and my kids in. It's a very lonely and hopeless situation, it's especially hard when a child is involved.

It's taken years for me to gain the strength to twist this situation around. I'm educated now, this helps my case when my husband attempts to insult my intelligence. He may be wiser with years but now I'm educated. He's stopped calling me "stupid" the past year. The physical abuse stopped when I had a 6'5 sheriff come into my house and threaten to beat the living %#@&#! out of him next time he put his hands on me....he was obviously scared because he hasn't touched me since.

Luckily something came over me the last year and a half and I gained control over this situation....but still, I don't have the means to just walk away from this marriage...I'm still trapped too. It's sooooo hard to leave everything you had gained together, to leave the father of your children, the comfort of his income, the security of things you had become accustom too...even the bull %#@&#!.

I'm not going to tell you to LEAVE or GET OUT...because you won't till your absolutely ready too. You may never...like me. What my advice is to you is to gain some kind of lee way, a comfort and back up..something. Go to college, get an on-line job, do something for yourself. You'll gain confidence this way no matter what he says.

(((brneyedgirl)))

[BrnEyedGrl]

Hi everyone.

Once again I must say how comfortable and important you all have made me feel responding to my problems with such heart and compassion. THANK YOU!!! It really helps to have this to read when I feel down or depressed about my situation, and I also feel I have gained some real knowledge about what my options can be in the near and not-so-near future!
Perna....I do have a place to walk to that I can mail letters and when the weather gets nicer there is a playground not so far away that my son and I can do to everyday.
1soslow...Just for the record he does not hit me if that makes any difference, Im not sure here. I do think enough damage is done by the fact that I have zero self esteem and just feel like crap. But thank you for your reply, I do appreciate your view of things. (I do know my only option is to leave but I want to keep my home if I can???)
youOme...I was particularly interested in your post because you have gone through the same things. Thank you for sharing that with me and I am so glad for you, being in a better place now and all!
Today was a better day, maybe because of all of you who have shown me that with or without the support of my husband....I AM an important person who deserves a better life with my son!
Thanks again all....

[AAAAA]

Hey BrnEyedGrl,

Glad that things are looking up for you! That's really great! This is just me and my issues talking but I personally believe that emotional/verbals/psych abuse is far worse than physical abuse. If you break my arm it'll heal, if you break my spirit, that wound takes a lot longer to heal if at all.

You ARE an important person, I'd say the most important person for your son. Baby steps to a healthier happier life!

[Doh2007]

Talk about being between a rock and a hard place! Here's something I would suggest. Start hiding away some money. Just a couple extra dollars back when you go grocery shopping or whenever. Hide it under a pair of shoes or in a baggie in the freezer, just somewhere private and safe. You'll be amazed at what a sense of power this will give you. At one time I had $700 spirited away. It was so satisfying to watch it grow.

We have separate checking accounts and different credit unions, but at tax time you have to report interest earned, so it's no secret. No one has to know about a secret cash stash.

[BrnEyedGrl]

AAAAA...You are so right, my spirit is broken along with my heart as well. And I didn't really think about that until I read your reply. I just always felt like..."Oh, If he doesn't hit me, then I must be okay". It seems like most people dont think much of verbal or mental abuse like they do physical abuse. Why is that? Anyway, I am working on my self esteem, its just gonna be awhile. Thank you for caring.
Doh...I never thought of putting money away and Lord knows I could do that every week. You see, my husband is not the brightest when it comes to finances, so there ya go....my first contribution to myself was $50 for my birthday. I already put it away in a safe place! Thanks.
I have to tell you all that just being a member of this site for the last few days has given me a whole new outlook. Thank you to each one of you who took the time to comment, I truly do appreciate it.