i think i always look, and feel stupid when with others

i also want to be like my other sociable classmates. my fear of being embarrassed and my fear of being not listened always stop me from talking more about what i feel or about anything.

The kind of things you're feeling are common symptoms of social phobia. A low self-esteem, lack of confidence, hyper-sensitivity, mild paranoia, confusion can all be parts of the overall feelings that make us want to avoid social situations. How do you feel when you are alone? I would spend hours and hours obsessing over my percieved social failures. Always trying to change myself and adapt to what I saw in others as "good" traits.
My failure to do so successfully led to deep depression. I could never perform to my own high standards. Don't spend 25 years in misery like I did. You are still young. Many years of feeling inadequate can do some serious damage. You can get help. Talk to a school counselor, a trusted adult if not your parents. If you're able, see a specialist. Not a general practitioner. Someone who knows about the particulars of what you're feeling. There are many treatments available. I use zoloft and see a therapist. Don't put it off. It's not likely to get better on it's own.
Keep coming and let us know how you feel

"This too shall pass...."

hi! just by reading your insights, i'd feel a lil bit better! i realize that i'm not the only one who experiences this kind of symptoms. you're right that it actually led me to serious depression. i have been this eversince elementary, and as far as i can remember, i had really a hard time getting over major embarrassing moments that happened to me. and even those little "social" mistakes i did, keep on replaying inside my mind. then, i'd go blank and lose my sense of time, of purpose and my sense of self!
i'm already 21, and i'm still this. i get frustrated that i don't know how to make myself feel comfortable with people.
this is all i can share by now.

Glad to hear from you again Bhugz, I thought we'd lost you !

Well, I know this may not help, but it started for me at 15, last week I turned 40, and, guess what? I still struggle.

I don't think we can "make" ourselves get more comfortable with people. I think we need to get more comfortable with ourselves. It takes a lot of self-discovery to really know who we are, what we're about, what we want, where we want to go with life. For some it's easy, but don't think they don't have problems too. They seem to have an ability to shake off the concerns easier, like a second gear, they find the energy to get past, move on, and forget. I must be missing that gear in my mind too.

If I was able to go back to 21 and use what I know now, I'd say, the most important thing is to know yourself. Know who you are, what you stand for, what your intentions are. Be strong and believing in it. Then, no matter what others may think, your self-belief will cushion the fall. It means being able and willing to stand alone.

Can you get to a therapist? Medication can work wonders. Stay in touch

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

hi! yes, you're right! we must feel comfortable with ourselves first. maybe we just cared so much about what others might tell and think about us. we have to look for things that would make us feel good and we have to make the move toward our own satisfaction...
saying these things already makes me feel really good!
i had gone through several sessions with a psychiatrist before. i stopped coz it was too expensive for me. i'm just trying to engage myself in self-therapy by reading anything about what i'm actually struggling eversince elementary, even though i'm not quite sure if i'm doing the right thing. i'm still in my postgraduate course, and it's not easy for me. what makes me move on is the hope that others will understand what i'm going through emotionally. but i know not everyone will. That makes me feel uncomfortable too.
i don't want anymore to depend too much but i worry that i wouldn't know how to control my life...

I can relate to the expense of a psychiatrist, even a therapist was always outside my budget. Consequently I've done a lot of self-therapy too. When I did see a therapist, it always amounted to the same thing: think positive, feel positive, be positive. Turn off the negative self talk. Believe in yourself. So many people would tell me they did't notice my strife, that I seemed normal and happy to them. I figured it was because they weren't paying attention or didn't want to discuss it. I wasn't able to speak clearly. I could think well, but I couldn't converse. I felt like I was in my own prison and there was no way out. The depression never lifted.
I couldn't feel satisfied. What I wanted was friends, lots of them. I wanted to be invited, included, welcome. I never felt that way. No one understood. I hated myself but I never stopped trying, to this day. I read and pondered and was totally consumed with my own dillemma. I cherished inspirational quotes like they were the stuff of life. I worked and worked to become a better person, thinking if I could just perfect my attitudes and response to life, all would fall into place. I meditated, prayed, communed with nature. I tried everything I could think of. Everyday I was still the same. I got so sick of putting up the happy front. I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't care anymore if they put me in a hospital. I was ready to tell all. I've heard about hitting bottom, something I could intellectually understand, but until I was at that point, I didn't appreciate it's true meaning. Whatever it takes to beat this, I will do. I did a life evaluation and made real steps towards the things I want instead of just wishing. I've accepted that there are things I can do, and things I shouldn't do. Just to keep my head together. If I have to sacrifice a wonderful social life to have peace of mind, then who needs it? I didn't have a wonderful social life anyway, just the desire for one.
I'm telling you my story because maybe you can find something useful here, not to lecture or sound like I know it all. I know what works for me. Many would probably point out that I still have the phobia, or I would involve myself socially. That's not true. I can socialize when I choose to. I simply don't choose to very often.
The single person always seems to appear the oddity, especially when everyone is hooked up some way with others. You can't even go to the store and buy meat selections for one. Commercials are filled with couples and families. Vacation packages are designed for two, etc......Subconciuosly we are programmed to think in terms of couples and families. Mortgage rates often require the income of two. Society is conditioned to think there is something wrong with being single. I think they are missing out on the pleasure and simplicity.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

i had been so overwhelmed even before of having a split personality. the absolutely good person is projected outward and the absolutely evil person lingers somewhere deep into my system. the latter was so responsible for the depression that i am trying to manifest only now. i intend to release it all out so that at least i wouldn't feel that there's something bad about me.
like you, i have a real difficulty in starting a conversation, maintaining the flow, and ending it properly. it's a part of my overall illness. i'd feel awkward and find myself blank in a conversation. i would feel ashamed if i failed to tell any story or if i tell something that anyone doubts about. i get insulted when i know they don't trust me.
there are also times when i feel i am not good at almost anything. and that i deserve to be rejected because of that.

Hi there Bhugz,
I've been reading along over the days, even wrote a post but I lost it while getting back on line and didn't have time to rewrite it. None the less I feel your despondance.

Bhugz, I am not quiet, I can be quite loud even but essentially my beginnings were acutely shy and once beyond that my loud became a foil for the shy. Well into my adult life I would stress endlessly that people might take offense when I would comment. Interpretting their responses as them misunderstanding my intent. I would even, sometimes still do, apologise for myself before starting!!!! INFERIORITY COMPLEX.

I was the new kid at school and in the neighbourhood 8 times in my 12 years of school in 3 countries. (1972 - 1974 in your USA) Just to make adjusting extra effort I usually switched midway during a school year after friendship groups have formed. Nobody needed me, I needed them. I was regular geek material too, usually the youngest and biggest in the class till mid teens when the boys grew, 175cm by 14, with the most mixed accent. It was no picnic.

Kids can be insensitive, talking about you not to you. My Mum would say if people are talking about you you must be important! Sounds goofy I know but I would think that when I didn't want to feel crap about it. I had a nervous laugh too, a cover for my fear, better to laugh with than be laughed at. eh?

The important thing Bhugz is that we don't get caught up with the popularity thing. Much better to like being in your own skin than trying so much to fit into a group.

I got better at joining conversations by learning a few skills. Remember most people would rather talk about themselves than listen to others talk about themselves. It's very natural, most of us aren't listening much to a story, we are instead thinking about our own story their story prompted us to think about. If you move away from needing to contribute you can get into the act more easily. Ask people about themselves. "How did you feel about that?" "Wow! And what did you do then?" Folks love it and they will get off on you for being great to talk to!! Try it, it really works. Wait till invited to comment in return before offering a restrained story of your own. See the blood running from the side of my mouth.

You know Bhugz, just like a get fit regime the motivation comes once the results start showing. Till then you need effort. Effort to over come inertia or whatever is holding us back. The same goes for confidence. Life has so many chicken or the egg situations.

Confidence makes us attractive to others which builds our confidence. A lack of confidence does not attract others and so we ratify our inferiority through the experience. Effort. Yes effort, strategies, perserverence etc. Mostly know you do not get your worth from outside. Decide to like who you are and if you are realistic and inclined you will see there is plenty of stuff you can upgrade and work on that. Be comfortable in your own skin and your confidence will show and you will develop people magnetism. This is not ********.

Surely you have been in a relationship that's on the slide and you start to see attributes about the other you haven't noticed before and ....how much you don't like them. The inverse is true. You can meet a regular Jo and as you get to know them they look all the more appealling. Of note too, generally we like people that like us. Showing a subtle liking of others makes us likable. Be sure not to display lost puppy stuff though, not helpfull. Nor persistance in the face of another's displeasure. Don't expect everyone to respond. One in ten is pretty good odds. I figure I will meet and be charming to 9 deadshits before I trip over one sincerely compatible companion.

Remember, initially do not volunteer much of your own story except upon enquirey. Some folk will lap up the attention and never think to enquire about you, they really aren't the folks you will be wanting to hang with. Others will ask for your story/comment/opinion etc and if all goes smoothly you will develop a balance and probably a friend.

I repeat, ONE IN TEN is great going. You should be so lucky. Yes a 90% toss rate is standard so don't be despondant.

I don't mean to sound full of rah rah. I have been sick with anxiety about meeting and greeting people. I have left restaurants for 'some fresh air', coz I really think I'm screwing up big time. You know we do screw up sometimes, and we should forgive ourselves for it coz most everyone else has except us!!! BUT MOSTLY the screw up is in our own imagination where it grows beyond proportion. I fall into more holes that I dug for myself than any other. Holes that weren't even there but convinced I decided I should dig my way out off!!!????

Everything begets itself Bhugz. Money begets money, poverty begets poverty, misery begets misery. That's why you need the confidence mask. Fake it till you make it. But be real with yourself. Like your self and the rest will surely flow. We are only really victims of our own distorted thinking which then begets itself. BREAK THE CYCLE WITH EFFORT.

Make a new mantra

No one is better or more deserving of good things than me.

BELIEVE IT.

Don't be fooled, I have only come of age recently, that is I like myself and don't really give a rats whether other people do or not. I know I'm different from most and that makes it unlikely that my dance card will be full. I am happier knowing I'm OK. To me I'm OK.

I'll add the customary disclaimer coz I really am nutszo

If I am sick and they [the public at large] are well ....I don't want to be well.

Regards Frances.

bhugz, you bring back so many memories of myself. I agree with much of what Frances said. It all made perfect sense to me back then too, but it just didn't work at the time. I felt like Humpty Dumpty, too many pieces to fit back together, while holding on to two or three, the other five or six were spilling all over the ground. That was me down there, not some fairy tale story, and it hurt like hell. I started to go out of my mind. I couldn't explain my feelings nearly as well as you have, but you could be talking about me then.
Frances is right on about confidence, begetting, what folks are attracted to. You've probably seen it for yourself. I knew what made people click, I just didn't have it anymore. Now I can see clearly that losing my self-esteem was what crushed everything. I didn't believe in myself. I had no stories to tell. No laughter, no response. I did what Frances suggested. I asked a lot of questions. People love to talk, to be listened to, to share what they know. I had millions of conversations and learned a lot. But, it was never about me. I brought nothing of my own to the table. I was "blank" like you. I was still not doing the one thing I had lost with my esteem, that is being myself. I wasn't me, I wasn't who I had been before, and I didn't like who I was now. I was ashamed to speak, afraid of being wrong, someone else would know more than I did and expose me as ignorant. My attempts at humor were embarrassing failures. There was no part of me I was willing to share with anyone.
Your mention of the divided self really makes me wonder. If you mean what I think you mean, and I'm not certain, then might be able to help. Because I was so disconnected from others, and felt so wrong about who I was, I began to question my heart and soul. Was I really a monster in the making? Was I capable of truly evil things? I was so depressed and unhappy I began to believe I was a creepy Jekyll and Hyde character. That one year or five years down the line I would be a night prowler, a pervert, a rapist, a murderer. I was sincerely afraid of the path I seemed to be headed and no way could I re-direct it. I looked deeply into my soul. I felt what you described as the battle of good and evil taking place inside me. It was very scary. I began to believe destiny had plans for me and I had no choice in the matter. The isolation and lonliness I felt was driving me insane. I fought back. I scoured the depths, brutally honestly, and questioned myself and my intentions. That is how I came to know myself. I came to know I intend no harm to anyone. That I would sacrifice my life for anothers and have almost done so in the past. I found out I care about people and the love or lack of it in our everyday world. It's how I decided to do my part to make the world a better place. It's how I know what depression can do to a person, how I can understand so much about desperation and how to heal myself. It's how I discovered who I am and what I'm about, and how I finally got over the social phobia. I now know myself. But I had to go through hell to figure it out. Is that what you mean? I can relate to so much of what you say. I really wish I could give you my hand and lead you out of the hole. Know who you are. It will all fall into place when you do.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

Hello again Bhugz and Nowheretorun,

I'm getting off the original topic a little but Nowhere's story and heartfelt offer is so true. I used to wonder why even as an adult I felt so different to others. I have a bosom buddy in a chick I met in NICU (neonatal intensive care unit). The ward is divided into 7 bays, 1 being closest to the door out of there and 7 being the most intensive, one on one nursing for prem and sick babies. Our babes were born on the same day her little one was transferred in from another hospital for the higher care rating. We met in bay 7 and of course in the maternity ward where, both caeser patients we would hobble down the halls to NICU. I buried her precious baby 10months later. She totally lost perspective on life and got into substance abuse, risky behaviour etc. She was disturbed that "regular" people just didn't know what was important in life. How come we went where we did and apprear to be so screwed up and over in the process, though we would never go back. That is we are who we are via the process/struggle/tragedy whatever the case may be.

So I shared my river analogy with her and she gets it the way I do, maybe it make sense to you guys too.

Essentially in life there are folks living either side of a river. We all came from the one side initially. Some of us had the misfortune to find ourselves swimming for our lives having fallen into the river. Drowning even. She and I love the term "drowning not waving!" Folks on the original side see you and wave. Folks on the other side, only got there through the same misfortune and via the struggle reach the bank. When they see you in the water they KNOW you are drowning, not waving. They can coach you etc but the only way up the bank is through personal effort. Some folks will wash back to the first bank and get out, only to fall in again, though some never fall in. Should you find got out of the water on the other side, while you may feel isolated from your loved ones still waving from the other side, you are however changed by the experience, as horrific as that may have been. In summary I have my misery prayer "God don't make me grow anymore, it hurts too much when I grow!" Though of course these days I pray my lessons come without suffering and that I wish to be an amiable student. Surely pain need not be an essential ingredient? So with our eyes wide open and our hearts too we can learn with enthusiasm and less anguish. Learn about ourselves without touching bottom in the process.

More clear as mud eh?

Anyway I wanted to share my story coz it helps me get a handle on the "other" folk. The one's whose experience has been blissfull as I figured mine would be: hubby, house, 2.5 kids & the dog.

At work the other night I was approached by a gentleman in the wee hours complaining of the noise from guests in another room. I was aware of a woman and two teens in the hall and the rec room and figured it was them. Apparently he had complained the night before about other guests. I thought he was a sensitive sleeper. He was rather agro and insisted he would call the police if he was distrubed again. Appealling to his sensiblilities I suggested he call me first if he was disturbed again. Later when I heard a door I went to investigate. The afore mentioned woman was in the hall and when I gestured finger to lips to be quiet she called me over. I attended and she appealled to me to talk to her daughter. A minor though noisy domestic was in progress. The mother was beside herself and very much the child herself when managing a teen. With a cup of tea and a muffin in the lounge, we chatted about parenting and the like and she calmed somewhat. I also spent some time in the room with the teen and then anxiously waited to hear if there where to be more eruptions through the night. The first fellow whom complained would not have been the only guest disturbed as he was 5 rooms down the hall!

Long story ...what got up my nose was his inflammatory manner and expectation that his night was the only night there was. The woman we could consider as uneducated and lacking in parenting skills but none the less doing what she could. She was tired, stressed and had a no win thing going with the daughter. I slipped an apology under his door and suggested as they and he were in house for another week he might prefer to transfer rooms in the morning, which he did. I thought how the woman and child were insenitive to the other house guests and the fellow was pigheadedly insensitive to others experiencing anxiety too. [censored] happens. It certainly does, turns out he deteriorated the following day and was taken by ambulance and had emergency surgery that evening. Little wonder he was such a restless sleeper.

What am I saying? Essentially we all travel with our ME experience happening. When we widen the aperture we can see a web of interactions, none in isolation. It goes on, I suggested we send flowers to the hospital. Why? I was asked by one of the receptionists. Coz he was taken by ambulance from our hotel and it seems reasonable we would convey our best for his recovery. They put chocolates in his room instead!! Like he can eat them??!!

[censored] happens doesn't it? Drowning not waving stuff is going on all around us and we are like soldier ants on our own mission. Unless of course you got out on the far bank and know the struggle personally and sufficiently well to recognise it in others.

So Bhugz, you are not alone where ever you are in your head. Do not be afraid ...be inspired. If you think your struggle is bigger than you can manage, GET HELP. Use strategies, oh I know I use that word a lot but truly the stuff we are dealing with is the irrational and it helps to apply some rational to it. Have a look at this one, I love it.

Autobiography: In Five Short Chapters*
~ Portia Nelson

http://www.rogerebsen.com/openmind/c...rs/autobio.htm

Oh dear I have written too much again!!!!
Regards Frances

Really love that story Frances, (the river), sums it up well. I will try to keep it in mind Your writing reminds me so much of a lady I was brief friends with. We worked at the same place for a short time, but there was a connection between us. We didn't get time to know each other, but after we had each left the company, I found myself running into her randomly, over and over again. She was engaging, wise, intelligent and fascinating. And yes, different from anyone else I knew. That's what made her special. She too seemed to have difficulties because of her difference, but we never really discussed it. One time when I saw her I was doing some business and heard my name called from a distance. I looked up, and there she was, sitting in the grass, watching her cat play. I went over and ended up talking with her for about an hour. Later, I answered an ad in the paper for a room-mate. Going over to meet this person, it turned out to be her. We talked again for some time. She offered me the room, but I chose a different place instead. Some months later, we ran into each other at a fuel stop. Exchanging numbers, we promised to stay in touch. She didn't live in the same city anymore, but incredibly, several times when she came to town, we'd bump into each other at the same location, again and again. I always thought there was something strangely mystical about it. Talking with you is little different than talking with her, and you both have such a unique personality. I can hear her voice when I read your words. Just something I thought I'd share. Thanks again for the beautiful story

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

Check out this site:

http://message.realage.com/HB/HBArti...14482&pid=1432

Some insight to the intimidation of the shy.

thank you guyz! i haven't yet read your whole post. i'm running out time coz our exams is starting this week. i hope u could understand if i can't make a reply right away.
anyway, i'm grateful to know u guyz!

Yes Bhugz,
we did get long winded and off the track. You speak of split personality. Is this by a doctor's diagnosis?

I know for myself I have been horrified by some of my own thoughts. Good and evil are ever present in all of us. Life is smoothest when we achieve a balance and proportion. When we suppress completely aspects of ourselves we frustrate ourselves. A common suppressed feeling is anger and without a healthy expression of anger we can produce many disturbing outcomes. My self worth lets me know I am entitled to express myself in ways that does no injustice to others. If others reject me for it, my self worth again protects me from their injustice.

Bhugz you should find affordable counselling via the church based community care services, here in Aus, Anglicare is one of them and they provide a wide range of counselling services from drug abuse to bereavement. Your college will surely have a file of available resources for your area.

Mostly Bhugz, you are not alone in your experience where ever you are. Come onto the forums anytime and you will find someone here who will talk and share.

All the best for your exams.
Regards Frances.

it wasn't a doctor's diagnosis. it was my own assessment of what i feel most often. what my last doctor's diagnosis was that i had mild schizophrenia.
as far as i could recall, from the time i was elementary, i have been in many situations where i find myself "split". i mean, i tried having a super angelic front so that others may see all my good qualites, while having really bad feelings inside. my smiles would not absolutely coordinate with good feelings. and sometimes i'm not sure with any feeling that i have. if i begin to feel that i am good or i have made something good... there's always that bad feeling underneath. my feelings always confuse me. this led me to stop trusting my own judgments and that of others too. i always had the feeling that others, esp. those who are close to me, are backbiting me.
i tried connecting these symptoms from my being a victim of molestation (i apologize if this could offend u in any way). this happened when i was 9 or 10 yrs. old by an older male cousin. i've been through my own healing only when i was 19. but still i do not have a clear understanding of what had gone wrong with my life and what i should do now that i am having these symptoms. i really wanted to learn how to become motivated, to converse with people and to have long-lasting friendships. i want to feel better and better everyday!

Welcome back bhugz, I hope everything went well with your exams.
Schizophrenia is getting out of my area of experience. At times, under certain circumstances and medications, I felt some unreality, but I won't say it was anything near what you must feel or have felt. I'm sorry I won't be able to help you with that.
Lonliness though is something I can relate to as I've mentioned above. But I don't know what to add. I'm male and I've never been molested, so guess I can't help with that either. I'd help if I could, maybe something will come to me later, but right now I don't know what to say

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

bhugz,
I thought of something I hadn't mentioned before. In a recent therapy session I was explaining "the blank" to my therapist. We were discussing how some people actually have the opposite problem and don't know when to be silent, and if you can imagine, this is also a social problem for these people because people get bored with someone who talks to much too. I told my t that when talking to someone, I never felt that I brought anything of myself to the conversation, that I only responded to what others said and while that may be very satisfying for them, it wasn't for me. He suggested that I simply begin to use a lot of "I" statments when talking to others, for example, someone says "I like blue". Instead of responding with "Yes, blue is a good color", I could say "I like green." I tried this and it actually worked. I was worried the conversation would spin around untethered and we'd only be going back and forth with "I" stuff. But my conversation partner responded without a missed beat and we talked quite a bit that evening. I was also worried that using the "I" statements would make me sound like a self-centered person too much. But, once I weighed it out, I decided sounding self-centered was a better accusation to live with than the "wallflower." Hope this helps

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

i'm going to try that technique of conversiing.
by the way, i want to share about what i'm bothered about almost every minute in school and even at home. i have this classmate who's also one of my peers. i get amazed by her spontaneity and transparent personality. i mean, she knows what she's doing, she doesn't have pretentions, she's very smart and observant. i really find her fascinating... because maybe i wanted to have a personality like her. i just want to imitate her. up to the point that i'm already getting obsessed with her. i save almost all of her txt messages to me. i rethink about any short conversation with her. i would stare at her for a long time. i don't want her to know about this of course. but i always worry that i am irritating her. it always seemed to me that whenever she sees me, she tends to retract or avoid seeing me. my tendency is to avoid her too.
deep inside, i really had these nervous feelings that i can not really understand. i want to be close friends with her. but i'd usually thought that she's also observing me and , criticize whatever she sees bad in me. i don't know. i'm paranoid with her. but i really like her. i really look up to her. i'm just like "blank" or expressionless when talking with her.

I'm really glad you're coming back and keeping this conversation alive, it's helping me so much too. I've never met anyone who seems to know so well what I've been thru too. The awkward feelings, the low self-esteem, wanting so much to break out of my shell, wishing I had a different personality (in my case, my old personality). I've done everything you mentioned. I know about the obsession of every waking minute analyzing myself and others, comparing, trying to find what's missing in me that others seem to have. The deep wanting to change, to be better, the up and down of motivation and misery. I understand bhugz. My heart is really going out to you. I'll try to tell what's worked and hasn't worked for me. I hope I can help some.
I need to be going to work right now. If you want to come back and add anything I will give you a bigger reply tonight. Hang in there my friend

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

Hi again
Even though I've had some time to think about this, I still don't know where it's going to go, so bear with me. I think we've established that we share a lot of the same feelings when dealing with others. I've never actually known what the cause is, but the result has been social anxiety.
It's great that you've stayed with college (something I wish I'd done 25 years ago and would definately change if I could). You have a chance of receiving help I never did because of money problems.
As well, I had a very difficult time describing my thoughts. I hid my depression too. For one reason or another, I was always out of reach of those who could have helped. So try to avoid this. You do have an ability to express yourself and if you just tell your story to the right person, you may be able to get a quick jump on it.
About this girl. What you may see in her is her ability to do the the types of things you wish you were able to. You mentioned spontanaity. I assume you have the same problem as I did, which is needing a lot of time to think of answers and responses. This girl portrays for you how you would like to be in ease of conversation, naturallness, clever, witty replies, and because of this she's probably popular. You study her wondering how does she do it? What is her overall attitude? She always seems to have the right response, the right timing. You think if you watch her long enough you'll find the "key" and be able to turn the lock on your own personality. You watch her movements, her speech patterns, her facial expressions. She's mystifying because you can't figure out how she does it.
The first mistake is trying to be like someone else or learn what they have that you don't. Doing this puts you in a mind frame of "they are better, I am bad". When we tell ourselves, over and over and all day and all week and all month that if we could just be like so and so, we repeat and reinforce with every thought that there is something wrong about ourselves. You'll spend hours and days and years of your life rejecting you and godifying others. It's a basic lesson of therapy that to get better with nearly any problem, you have to love yourself first. I made lists of my good qualities. When the negative thinking started, I would recite the list and feel the negativity drift away. It worked for a day or two, but I hadn't learned to tune out the thousands of ways every day I insulted myself and before long, I was back in the same rut, the list forgotten. I tried to love myself, but I went about it wrong. Loving yourself isn't just loving the good parts. It's loving all of you, including the faults. Loving is forgiving. If you can forgive yourself for not being perfect and accept the faults, and still say, I'm ok, I'm worth it, I need to get better, but I need to love myself by giving myself the time I need to grow and become the things I want to be. Sometimes we do the opposite and focus only on our faults and forget the good stuff. Then we believe we're hopeless, worthless, a mess. The right thing to do is love our whole self. Give yourself a break on the bad days, bad moments. Give yourself a mental hug cause that's when you need it most and don't try to fix it right then. Just hug yourself and say I know I messed up, I'm not perfect, I still love myself, I still want to get better, and tomorrow, the next time, sometime I won't feel this way, but right now, I'm just going to love me anyway.
When things go right, or things just aren't going bad, feel how good a person you are. Feel, I mean really feel it, how well you did just now, how that is what you want, let yourself feel how good it feels and let yourself feel it a long, long, time. Tell yourself this is what I'm going for, this is what it feels like to be the person I want to be, I did it, I can do it, it is happening, I am getting there, I'm almost there. It' really important that you reward yourself. Really, really important.
Back to the girl. She represents the you you want to be. She can be a role model, you are probably seeing her as the ideal, the ultimate of what you'd like to be. Don't try to be her, but nurture the qualities you see in her, in yourself. Is she kind? Is she honest? Does she smile? Is she friendly? Is she polite. You can be all those things. It wont make you her, but you can have those qualities of her that you so admire. You will still be you and there is no one else you can be and that is as it should be. Only you can bring to this world what you have. And you do have a lot, if you let yourself find it. It takes time. It won't happen over night. But be good to yourself and give yourself the chance.
Ok, enough for one post. My heart is with you. I hope this helps and let me know your thoughts if you'd like to.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius