Hey everyone,

I don't usually post in this forum, as some of you may know I stay in Sexual Abuse most of the time...but currently I have some thoughts I wanted to get off my chest and this forum seems most appropriate...

I wont go in to much detail, as I don't want to trigger anyone, isn't the right forum for starters...but I had some negative experiences as a ten year old in relation to sex and intimacy...that (among with other elements) led me to have depression which lasted a long time, in which I had no relationships of any kind.

Recently I met a girl who I really like, and I really do want a relationship with her. I have many issues relating to sex and intimacy etc...basically, at the age of 21, I am a virgin...have steered well away from anything related to that until now.

As I said, I want a relationship with this woman, but many of my issues have gotten in the way of doing so...I pushed her away due to fears, and I eventually opened up to her about why I was acting the way I was. We never went anywhere sexually, not even close. We only kissed once. I feel I am limiting my chances of having a relationship with her and she has dated someone else recently. I can see that if I don't change soon then I have lost my chance, and I don't really like that idea, you know? It's really hard for me to contemplate the prospect of being in a relatiionship after many years of being single and of a whole life of never having a proper relationship anyway. I don't know if I am ready for a relationship with her (or anyone), but I can't bear the idea of her seeing someone else...almost like I want it all my way...

I can really see myself being happy with her one day, a day not even far from now, but it seems so out of reach, you know?

I feel like I am currently unable to offer her what she deserves out of a relationship, and I don't even know what is really expected of me in one either...I feel so uneducated about it and it often leaves me confused and afraid.

Has anyone any advice for me? I don't want to lose her, but I know if I don't act soon I may just do that...yet I don't feel ready to do so...and I can't expect her to wait for me either, that would be selfish of me. Any suggestions?

Thanks for taking the time to read.

Simon

[deliquesce]

(((simon)))

how did she respond when you opened up to her? was she supportive? understanding? do you think you would have done things differently, if you were to do them again?

i dont have any advice for you (you have already read and responded to my thread in the abuse forums - thank you) but i did want you to know i have read your post.

a part of me thinks - we have had no experience in this, this is something that kids fumble around with when they are a lot younger than us - so of course we are going to make 'mistakes', or just not do things 'smoothly'. we can only try, and if this girl is patient, she will be ok with that - and if she can't wait, that is ok also, because it just means she isn't the one for you.

what kinds of things would you be comfortable doing with this girl? are you good friends already? would catching up for coffee/lunch or something be too much for you? could you take things really slow?

sorry, i have more questions than advice - hopefully someone else with more experience will be able to jump in and give you something more helpful. but just saying that i am thinking of you, and relating.

xo deli

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post...I appreciate the support.

When I told her, she was very supportive but then a couple of weeks later she back-tracked and said she couldn't cope with it, then continued to start dating someone...I was a little hurt but I see why she handled it like that, for it isn't easy to hear something like that. I don't know if I would do things differently, maybe I would have waited a bit longer, but I needed to tell her so I don't regret it.

We have only known eachother for about 6 months now, we bacame very close very quickly, so it all happened a bit too fast really...we have been on many dates, some of which were better than others...I do enjoy her company and everytime I am around her I enjoy it...but then when I am not with her, I feel like I need my space...I guess that is because I have been on my own for so long, I am struggling to adjust to spending much time with other people...it almost feels like an intrusion of my privacy, as sad and selfish and arrogant that is. I want to change it but it isn't something that will change over night. Somedays I feel I really want a relationship with her, and other days I really dont...So its a really torn decision for me, annoyingly.

Simon

[I_WMD]

Simon ,, I read both your posts to this thread ,,,,,, annnnnnnnnd ....... ok .

I give ya it like this . You appreciate your solitude >>> for something that happened 10 years ago ... You even went so far as to say "being single in a whole life "...

Simon ,, 21 years of age [ sorry if I disagree } IS NOT a whole life .
Unless you counting hours of ,, Then you are way old . LOL .

But seriously ,,, If I was wanting to reach away from past >> and move forward for a future place that I could be comfortable /happy with ? ,,,,
Ask this Friend girl ,, if she has anyway to relate with what you be [ in your mind ] understanding ..., Such as a friend of hers that is of same place thinking as you .

If she not ? ,, Then express what it is you are trying to conquer and ask her if she has the patience to help walk ya through it >> [ small steps take the longest for it is less distance to retreat from ] .

Personally I would let her know where and what is off limits at this time [ speaking of your privacy issuses ]

But you know your limits , and ask if she could be ok with them for a spell . And go from there ?

WMD.

[madisgram]

simon, do you see a T? i'd think you could knock some of these feelings out in therapy. in the meantime, i'd try to remain friends with the girl. until you develop some skills/tools/healthy reasoning in the areas you mentioned i don't know that you wouldn't self sabotage the situation, jme.
hope this helps. you sound like an allright kind of guy. just need some guidance.

Thank you all for your support, it means a lot to me that you have taken the time and effort to read and reply to my posts.

I_WMD - I see what you mean about a whole life, but I mean I have been single MY whole life, so far, regardless of my age...so I feel I don't know what a healthy relationship is etc...My problem is that I don't feel I can ask her to be patient and wait, it would seem selfish for me to expect that...I don't know how long it will take me to work past the things that hold me back, so how could I ask her to wait?

madisgram - I do see a T, have done for about 7 years now. We have talked about it before, but to be honest, there are so many other things I am trying to work on, this is just one on a list...it is so frustrating. I want to be able to be in a good place and offer her a strong, safe relationship, but as you say, I may just sabotage it indirectly by not being ready.

An element that contributes to this is that I come from an unstable upbringing...parents seperated when I was very young, and they would fight often, and they would see other people, many people...relationships held no meaning to me, and love etc just seemed to be a negative thing. That is the image I have of it, and so it's hard for me to think that it can be anything else. Like I say, I am uneducated....just don't know how to "educate" myself. I did have a girlfriend back in school when I was 14, I feel for her big time, was crazy about her...we lasted 4 months until she ended it. I believe it was love, some people say it can't be love at that age, but I strongly disagree...I know how she made me feel, was so good...It was the real thing, never went further than kissing etc. That is the longest relationship I have had, and is pretty much the only proper one too (to a certain extent)...The way it ended was quite ugly and I am scared of going there again...It took me years to rebuild after we split up (even if it was only 4 months we were together)...I don't want to be dwelling on the past, I'm not usually that kind of person...but lately the potential relationhsip with this woman has brought it all back I guess.

I hope this woman would stick around, I can see a really good relationship with her going by how she makes me feel, but there are so many conflicting thoughts and expectations, because of what I said above, hence why I think some days I am positive about it, others I am not. The damage that does, of course, is that from another persons perspective, I am giving mixed signals, possibly even that I am playing games. I have explained to her that this isn't the case, and I think she believes me, but it can't be easy for her. I want to be able to be strong for her, she has issues of her own...I want to offer her strength, something I know other people can...leads to an inferiority complex...I believe I am not, and perhaps never will be, good enough...that is a result of low self-esteem, so I need to focus on that too.

Simon

[deliquesce]

(((simon)))

i think, maybe focus on being good friends with her. you will learn strength and connectedness in a safe environment that way. also, she will see you as someone stable and able to be relied upon.

maybe a while down the track, when you are in a better place, she will still be around to maybe start a relationship with? if not, you will still have her as a friend, and that is something to be treasured also .

[seeker1950]

Simon, I agree with all the excellent advice you've already rec'd here. Something of a "lightbulb" did come one, though, when you said you had shared some of your personal history and issues with her, after which she began dating someone else, saying she "couldn't handle it." I've done this in my dating past, and experienced the same kind of reaction. In retrospect, even though it felt natural and "right" to share such deep feelings and history with someone, I now regret doing so, and will not do it so soon in the future, if and when such a relationship should occur (at least not so soon).

I think, if you want to pursue contact with this girl, you should do so as friends for a time, seeing how she responds to you in a more neutral and less potentially emotional situation.

Something else you related, with which I totally identify and recognize, is the long time spent in recovery from hurt, and the reluctance to place yourself in this precarious emotional vulnerability again. I'm much older than you, and having a history of family abuse (not sexual, but physical and emotional), and a very poor example of what a healthy loving relationship is about between men and women, I also have had a very hard time recovering when it failed, spending years to work thru why it didn't work out, though i felt I put everything positive into making it work.
This disproportionate attachment to people who rejected me, I feel, stems directly back to the history of abuse.

I've rambled here, but my reason for sharing this with you, dear Simon, is to tell you, first of all...you really are very young. You can have a happy relationship with a girl, I feel certain. Just take your time. If this girl is agreeable to friendship and further contact, just try to enjoy it and experience the company. If she is not, please don't find yourself dwelling on it.

Love
Patty

[Perna]

Simon, I had a difficult background too and didn't get married until I was 39. Relationships take practice! I keep forgetting that other people don't wake up at 15 or 16 and know exactly what to do and how to do it and are totally comfortable. Everyone has the same sorts of problems with differing levels of comfort interacting with others and I think it's highly unlikely that the first person you "like" is going to be "the" one for you.

I gradually did a little dating and met/got to know several men and in the process, got to know myself and start working on my issues. You can't just mentally get over your issues, it will take time and experience working with them. That's what I did, I didn't think of myself as a failure or flawed, I just saw I needed more experience and knowledge. It might take you a bit longer but it sounds to me like you'll get there! I like the idea of seeing a therapist too; I did for many many years and that was very useful to me.

[Michah]

Hi Simon, my partner was not sexually abused as a child and kudos to you for working through that one, by the way, but he has a very low self esteem around women. He did not lose his virginity until he was 21 and I am only his second serious relationship. He is 34. I am 35. I think he is the sexiest thing on legs and other women think so too! He is also my best friend and we really love each other.

On the contrary, I have made it, in the past, my mission to sleep with as many people as possible, commit crime, and engage in as much self-destructive behaviour as I can. We could not be more different in our behaviors. I was abused as a child and I have HUGE intimacy problems.

My point is that I don't think that you are wrong in wanting to wait.....maybe take some of the "performance anxiety" pressure off. Intimacy can be terrifying at the best of times without the added abusive history. I am sorry to say but if this girl can't cope with what you have said then she is not going to take the best care of you. You should never feel like what happened to you is going to always get in the way of true love. You deserve the very best of people in your life.

[madisgram]

(((simon))) you have a lot of self awareness. that is a good skill to have. i wish you the best. i realize that you have "a lot on your plate" right now but i also know that in the end you will find the answers cause you are seeking them. keep us posted will you. we care about you. i care.

deliquesce - I think I will focus on maintaining a strong, healthy friendship with her, afterall, I believe a strong friendship is crucial for a relationship to be successful, right? I hope we do have a relationship one day, even if we find out we wont work, right now I feel I would be happy with her, minus my issues. I enjoy her company, and am attracted to her, so it's frustrating to feel like it is out of reach.

Seeker - I can't say I regret telling her, I am a really strong believer in having no regrets, maybe that will change as I get older, but I don't believe in regrets...the way I see it is that we make desicions based on feelings and/or information at the time of the even, and we act upon these...therefor, we shouldn't regret. If we had feelings against doing something, or we were told not to do so and we knew not to do it but still did it anyway, then maybe, just maybe, that might be a cause for regret, but even that to me isn't worth regretting because we do things for reasons, whatever they may be. Besides, I'd rather wish I HADN'T done something than wish I HAD...if that makes sense. I agree with what you say about your experiences with relationships and the subsequent expectations. I was abused by a male, therefor to me, anything related to intimacy is directly linked with men and males...even though I know I am not gay and am not attracted to males, it still has that assosciation to me...that is something hard to overcome. Please don't feel you have rambled, because you really haven't. Your support is hugely appreciated and I am grateful for it, as I am with everyone's support, equally.

Perna - You are right, it does take time for sure...time and experience. I think because this topic is generally a taboo subject, it can be hard for people to be able to open up and share their concerns. I never had the "birds and the bees" talk from either of my parents...was never told about relationships, sex etc, and didnt really have any substantial sex education in school, so most of what I know is going by things I have picked up, and that has mostly been bad, negative experiences. It's about learning all over again, wiping the slate clean, starting again...I do think it will take time for sure. I have faith that I will get there, I definately feel things are changing for me, becoming clearer, and I am confident saying that too...(considering today I have felt really negative, that must be a good sign to be confident...

Michah - It is comforting for me to know there are people out there who have had the same, or similar experiences I have. Does your partner still have the low confidence with that, if you don't mind me asking? Also, can I ask, do you think that you slept with many people as a result of the abuse? Please feel free to not answer if you don't want to. I think the reason she bolted like she did is because like I said before, she has many of her own issues, such as self esteem, confidence, childhood problems (not abuse though, thankfully, that I know of) so I believe it was too heavy a load for her to bear when she was unable to support it. I think she trues really hard to make ammends for bolting, we are still close and I am sure she still feels for me the way she used to...she acts the same anyway...maybe the fact she has seen someone else was just her way of disassosciating with it all...a way of coping...maybe she will realise I haven't gone anywhere and that I am working hard to overcome all the issues so we can be together. That is what I want, afterall, and I am sure it is what she wants too.

Madisgram - I think I do have a fair bit of self esteem - is the result of years of therapy I guess...it forces you to step back and take a good look at yourself often, don't you think? Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate knowing you and others care for me and are concerned in my progress...it really does mean a lot to me.

As I said above, I do feel like I am slowly changing and adapting the idea of being in a relationship...I am finding more lately that I am enthusiastic about it, how long that will last I don't know, but as it stands, it seems to be improving. My father and I are currently looking into moving abroad, I know moving would do me good, a lot of good. I want to see the world, travel, live new experiences. The result of being cooped up by yourself for so long is that you develop a bubble around yourself that you dont want to break free from, is almost like being in prison. I feel moving away wouldn't solve my problems, I don't want them to, but I want to learn to fly a bit, as a figure of speech...so, as a result of toying with the idea of moving away, maybe now would be a wrong time to be thinking of relationships anyway.

Simon

[deliquesce]

please make sure you come to australia, ok? then we can pursue our relationship (woes) together .

simon, you really are wise and mature beyond your years. i dont mean that in a condescending or patronising way at all - really, i stand in awe. when you reply to everyone, your comments are so thought out and giving, and i really benefit from them all.

i know this post is a bit off topic, but i just wanted to throw it out there. (((simon)))

Aww, thank you Deliquesce...that really made me smile, I appreciate it so much. And if we do emigrate, we wont be far from Aussie...we are looking into New Zealand...which, considering I currently live in the UK, is a fair old trek!! I most certainly didn't take it as condescending or patronising, I have taken it as a huge huge compliment.

Thank you.

Simon

[Michah]

Hello Simon, thanks for replying. Totally agree with deliscquese(sorry if I spelt it incorrectly). You are truly wise beyond your years. I am somewhat humbled by your response. I like to be humbled occasionally as I can be arrogant sometimes.

My partner sometimes still struggles with his self immage as he is losing his hair which hurts someone so young and he thinks he is too skinny. He is very tall with lovely dutch skin and green eyes. I just love him! But he has come out of his shell alot since being with me as far as feeling attractive. Funny, before he met me and he still is now, a huge risk taker and isn't afraid of anything which I am in awe of as I am afraid of everything. He has slammed his dirt and mountain bike into trees and off cliffs and god knows what. He has broken so many bones but he keeps getting back on that bike. Amazing. I really learn alot from him. He is in competition riding now.

As for my sex life earlier, I definitely think it was attributed to abuse. I was dx bpd at the time and impulsive, self-destructive behaviour is a cornerstone of the disorder. I associated sex with power, not love. I have huge issues with sex to get over. My partner is helping me to heal and he is very patient. He came into my life when I was ready to heal.......and he is here for the process.

Good luck to you. Maybe a trip would be good. If I was your friend that you spoke of, I would be honoured to have you in my life......by my side.

Aww, Michah, thank you.

It sounds to me, Michah, that you and your partner are perfect for eachother, and it sounds as though you both have so much to learn from eachother too. That is so important to have someone like that in your life, the two of you are very lucky to have one another. Isn't it heartwarming to know that there are people out there for everyone...including me!

Simon

Hey Simon,

I think it is a great thing that you told her. As this will lay a basis for a relationship. Getting the ground in place is very important. As you know from our conversations, I did not tell my wife until recently aand I wish I had a long time ago. It makes it easier to form a relationship when you don't have secrets or anything that may cause a problem in the relationship. She will respect the fact that you were honest with her and it may take some time for her to understand some of her feelings. Just like we have feelings to deal with, when they find out that someone they like has had these horrible things happen they need time to figure it out just like us. You will find someone even if this girl is not what seems like the right one. When you told her and she said that she couldn't handle it was she refering to the abuse fact or the depression. People do have a hard time with trying to help other people who are depressed, especially if they have not been depressed themsleves. ( yes everyone in their life has been depressed but I mean a clinical state of depression). It sounds like you know what you are looking for in a mate and that is going to be very helpful. You should talk with her and see what she is having a hard time with. Communication is the key, trust me. In the past 23 years that I have been alive and having been with my wife for seven years, with a child we had while highschool, I have learned that communication is the key. Without that you will have a hard time. I hate going back to my expireneces but Simon, you can and will do this. You still have a lifetime ahead of you , there will be someone special there for you. Like you hear....Rome was not built in a day....give life time, no reason to rush into things. You are still young. Someone is there and this girl sounds great...give her some time but talking won't hurt anything. Sit down, have a coffee, whatever and have a long talk...I am positive that it will benefit you both. Take care. Talk to you again soon Simon.

[kjetterman]

Simon, my advice to you is to take things one day at a time. Let the relationship grow slowly and tell her that it's what you need right now. If she's worth it, she'll understand and go with the flow. If not, then she isn't the right girl for you.

[skymonk]

I also was very afraid to enter into relationships of any kind after being abused(every flavor-I went through it)&I still am because it always pops up as an issue&until last year I didn't know why. I'd blocked my memories of my abuse so much that I didn't remember any of it until about 5 years ago. At first I could deal with it fairly well, then last year the flood gates opened&I've had massive problems w/my bf. I did the same as Michah except I did it hoping for love in return for sex-I never got any.
Take your time&realize that there is the possibility that there are meant to be more than a "the One" in your life. Many of us take what we can get. It doesn't work, but it's what I do. I need love&it seems the only way I can get it is with sex. I hate sex. It's not fun for me-I have no libido(Do you have that problem?)&haven't had an orgasm in years. I'm now seeing that it's a combo of my past&my meds. My t&I are working on this, but it's SO hard to talk about what I remember from the past.
Be glad you haven't done anything you might later regret. When it comes to sex&love-do it for the right reasons, not because you feel you should because of your age&make it happen with someone that can accept you TOTALLY. If they can't do that you'll be unhappy down the road. Hope this helps