[lady2B]

I have been married for almost thirty years and my youngest leaves for college this fall. I have been holding off leaving this tired relationship until then. Maybe it is my midlife crisis at 51, but I realize that I want MORE! I want to explore, to let my light shine, to live! The hubby is perfectly content the way things are...we don't talk much, because we have so little in common, except for our 2 kids. We don't fight, we don't make love, we just exist in this big old house. A part of me feels so guilty for wanting to leave, for wanting more, but if I stay, I know that my light will turn to a glimmer and then fade out altogether. His happiest moments are when the weather changes to warm and he can leave his recliner for the porch swing! He hasn't even slept in our bed for 4 years and prefers the couch and the dog to me and my bed. As noted in another post, I want the Zing that others have! Life is too short to not let my soul sing...but the downside is...my kids will find it hard to forgive me for taking this step. They want things to stay the same....the home to always be there, with Mom and Dad there. My daughter would say, "What dreams, what life? You are an old lady and you're not supposed to want more when you have me! Besides who will take care of Dad?"

I hope there are others out there who at some point, felt the same way. I would love to hear how you handled it...did you leave...was it the best thing you ever did, or do you regret it? Thanks for letting me put into words the heavy feeling in my heart.........

[cms39]

aww Lady

I don't really know what to say, but I did read your post. Perhaps take some time to assess the situation? A lot of people feel depressed when the children leave home. Do you have outside interests? Do you feel that you just can't talk to hubby anymore? Has it always been this bad or are you feeling it more now? Midlife is a tough time. So sorry it's not happier.

[lady2B]

Things have steadily gotten worse over the last several years. He has never been there for me when I needed him the most and that still hurts. He doesn't take an interest in anything, other than the kid's sports, which is ending. He is also controlling in money matters and tries to make me feel like I would never make it without him. We have never communicated well and the fewer words said, the happier he is. It's sad really to have been with someone all these years and to never have felt cherished....such a long time, with so little love........sigh...I know this post is whiny. But thanks CMS, for your post....

[sqrlb8]

Hi lady2b, I hear you. Without hesitation, I encourage you completely. Leave. Plan carefully, communicate clearly, fear nothing, and follow your heart. You deserve to be happy, and at 51, two kids and all those years later, anyone who says you didn't try is wrong.

I believe I would respond to you that way regardless of my own experience from reading your very articulate post. But in fact, I left a ten year marriage for exactly those reasons. that was a few years ago. Now, I've been with my partner for two years. She came out of a 30 year marriage much like you describe but possibly with more outright power and control crap. In two years now niether one of us has ever looked back. It's lively, it's love. We deserved it and you do too. Good luck 2 you, and take heart. It's tough, change is, but if it is what you want, you have the right.

btw, my partner's kids all came around quickly enough.

And what if it is selfish? Your SELF matters a great deal, yes? Go.

My advice when I give any is rarely mainstream, but I find the whole concept of a "mainstream" to be sort of incomprehensible. I really hope you persue your happiness. Good luck.

[kimmydawn]

hi lady and welcome

maybe now that the kids will be gone, you and hubby can get to know each other again? have either of you considered marital counseling?

i understand "if you're done, you're done" though. about 10 yrs ago, hubby and i split up for three mos. a friend told me...."if many ppl put 1/10 into their existing relationship of what it takes to begin and maintain a new relationship, the existing one would be 80% better." i saw a great logic in that. we're now married 18 yrs.

however, i was divorced once. i understand being done as well. no one knows but you how "done" you are. follow what you need to do for yourself.

i wish you well on this.

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Lady B --

I would have settled for the comfortable slide into old age. I settled for a relationship without zing for 15 years. I thought of the loss of my sensuality as a sacrifice I made for relationship stability. I thought he was the best person I had ever known. I trusted him more than person I had ever known. Then he abruptly deserted me, completely blindsiding me, 2 years ago. I wish I could have had what you don't want.

[lady2B]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Hi lady2b, I hear you. Without hesitation, I encourage you completely. Leave. Plan carefully, communicate clearly, fear nothing, and follow your heart. You deserve to be happy, and at 51, two kids and all those years later, anyone who says you didn't try is wrong.

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Sqrlb8 - I needed to hear that! I loved what you said and copied it down in my journal.... plan carefully, communicate clearly, fear nothing, and follow your heart. That will be my new mantra.

Ozzie and kimmydawn - I just love you two to pieces! Your wisdom and compassion are evident in every post you two write.

Wants 2 Fly - I am so sorry that you were hurt so badly. ((((hugs if you want them!)))) You deserve so much more!

I just found out that husband called my T and complained to him that he wasn't helping me and if he couldn't help me, to find someone that could! I was so embarressed that he would do that. I asked him if he would be willing to go to a session with me and his remark was, "No....I'm not the one with a problem, you are." I also told him that I was unhappy and thought maybe this would be a good way to open those lines of communication, and his only response was, "I suppose you are going to blame that on me too". That made me sad to think that he must not care enough to want to know what is making me unhappy... darn, it sounds like I'm whining again....sorry!

[sqrlb8]

Sounds like Hubby's radar is working on at least some level. What a horrible stroke of interference, and how it does smack of power and control! Sqrlb8 gives him two thumbs down. (and then pauses to lament the lack of opposing thumbs on sqrls)

You might like the support you find in a battered women's group. Sadly, but fortunately nevertheless, they are everywhere. I suggest this only because hubby in this case isn't simply a passive doof. No, he's reaching into your life, and crossing rather sacred boundaries, and this just as the scent of you leaving takes to the air. As bad as this is going to get between the two of you, is going to be during the leaving. That is when women who get hurt by abusors are at the most risk. I'm not wanting to alarm you, I'm wanting you to be armed with the knowledge of what you face. The good news is there isn't an original abuser out there, these guys are as though cloned. Everything they do, say, when they lash out, it's scary how they are all the same. His stunt with your T scares me that little bit for you. Information is power; be sure you are well supplied with it.

Good Luck to you, your new life awaits. Just get to it safely.

[Wants2Fly]

Thinking of you with love and concern, LadyB. Keep us posted?

[gracetoo71]

wanting more for your physical and mental well being is not selfish. my t told me, after several sessions with the husband with nothing changing and finally my leaving, that i was the most important. you have made many sacrifices in your life which shows me that you are not the selfish type. but as my t told me, enough is enough, you can only do so much for others before you must tell all to kiss off and take care of you. i would say you have had enough. you have put others before you and now you are what is important.

my husband did go to t with me, but it didn't help us. i am glad he went, because after i left him, and went back to see t, he told me he wasn't surprised i left. he seen my side and totally understood it because he got to see what i was dealing with first hand. and my t told me to stop beating myself up ( i was very angry with myself for yet another failed marriage, my second ) and told me i shouldn't feel guilty because i did all i could.

no one can tell you what to do, and you shouldn't just run with what others say. take what others say to open your mind and help you explore your options. only you can do what is right for you.

your happiness is important. you are important. if you are not happy, you need to change things. being unhappy for long periods is not good for your physical or mental health. how you change it is up to you.

i am sorry for your pain, but it will fade with time. you are what is important. no matter what road you chose to take, i wish you all the best and hope you find happiness with you and your life.
take care
grace

[Enigma]

Hello! I'm new to this, so bear with me, please.

First of all, let me say that I don't think you should stay with your husband only because your grown children want you to. They are adults, and this is your life~not theirs. You deserve just as much of a chance at happiness as they do. My parents divorced when I was in my early teens, and it was not only best for my Mom, but best for us.

Your husband, to be blunt, sounds like a fairly selfish person. He likes things the way they are, and seems to furthermore expect you to like them that way . I say this as evidenced by the phone call to your "T", implying that there is something wrong with you that needs to be fixed. Yes, there sure is. You seem to be in a empty marriage with an emotionally absent husband, who wants to do nothing but sit and watch the scenery, while you want to go out and experience life. I do agree with some that you should at least give it your best shot. But I wouldn't feel the least bit guilty if he won't give and inch and try to meet some of your needs. Marriage is about compromise, neither the husband nor the wife should have it all their way. I hope things get better for you. I watched my Mom go through the end of a marriage that had pretty much broken down and I know what a sad, painful thing it is. Take good care of you, Hugggs, Enigma

[lady2B]

Wow, I just caught up with the words of wisdom from you all and for the first time in years.....I burst out crying! It felt so good to feel validated and that maybe I'm not as selfish as I thought I was. Thank you for that...I really needed to hear that. It has been a hellish night around here...everyone seems so angry with each other ....I am usually very good at tuning them out, but tonight I have a migraine and the stupid insurance company won't pay for my Imitrex without " my doctor's prior authorization." He wrote the prescription for goodness sakes - I would consider that his prior authorization! I'm just tired....so tired. Thanks all...you'll never know how much your kind words of logic meant to me...

[sqrlb8]

When I started reading and exchanging ideas here, It must have seemed like an abstraction of life in some sense, a "less than" life experience that 'might' inform my life on some level. But I have come to find that when these experiences are shared like this, in such candor and sincerity, they live inside me indistinguishable from any 3d experience. Your tear burst makes me think of that, the moment I realized this was more than some cerebral dalliance but an affair of the heart as real as any can be. Glad you're here, and hope you stay around.

[lady2B]

Oh sqrlb8....you have touched my heart with both your wisdom and compassion. How rare to cross paths with someone who can inexplicitly read into my simple words and reach out with your intuitive zest to soothe my aching heart. Other than my beloved T, no one has been able to do that. I'm glad you are here too............. :

I heard a new song tonight by Richard Marx on his new CD titled "My Own Best Enemy". The song is called "Ready to Fly" and thanks to all of you, that is where I'm at right now. The words to this beautiful song are:

<font color="purple"> </font> ~I have been trying to open the door To the secret of my destiny.. And every new road I think is the one Seems to lead right back to me. I've looked for a way to be wiser.. A way to be strong.. Now I see the answer was hiding in me all along. And I'm ready to fly over the sun.. Like a rocket to heaven.. And I'm ready to soar Right through the sky.. Never dreamed I'd find something to lift me so high. I've always had wings but I wasn't ready to fly Restless, hopeless and misunderstood.. Like so many others I know. So busy trying to keep holding on... When I should have been letting go.. I was given the gift of finding the spirit inside me..... But i never really imagined all I could be The answer to all of my wonder is right in my hands. Now it's time for me to discover all that I am. I've always had wings.. Now I'm finally ready to fly.....

If any of you get a chance to listen to that song, please do. I hope it lifts your spirit as it did mine.

[sqrlb8]

What a great song, I'll try to look for it.

I'm glad, i mean as in tears of joy glad, that something I said made some difference to you, but in all honesty, I'm simply piggy back riding on what is the magic of all of us together here. Stay around long enough to reach out to someone, and see a victory or two, and you'll know exactly what i mean. Delight and humility combine to make a rather intoxicating nectar. I am so very happy that you are ready to fly. The radio crackles, "Lady2B, you are clear for take off on runway one."