[unhappywife]

I have come to the end of my rope with my husband. After 15 years he has become someone I don't even recognize. He works from home and consistently lies to me about what he does during the day while I'm at work. I also accidently found out that he was looking at She-Males on the internet and he also searched Escort Agencies on Google. I panicked and looked at his credit card statement and found out he also went to a casino while I was at work and squandered over $1300.00 of our money. When I confronted him he said I was making a "big deal about nothing". He does the bookkeeping for my company so does contribute, however, I do all the day to day business and bring in the revenue. When I told him I wouldn't pay his bill he said he would "just leave".

The other day my 8 year old daughter came to me with an old porno tape that she had found in his desk drawer. A few months back she had found another one and so I asked him to please throw them out. He said he did, but obviously this is not the case. I asked him outright this morning if he had disposed of them, and he lied right to my face. I have confronted him about the constant lying and lack of communication but he just says "I'm not doing this", "I'm not talking to you about this", "you are too demanding, and overreact about everything". I don't think I'm being unreasonable. He is spending family money without communicating with me, and he's looking at things online that really disturb me. Who knows if he's acted on any of it because he lies about where he is during the day.

I am too embarrassed to talk to my friends or family about this, and I love my children, but I don't know how much longer I can hang in.

[madisgram]

gosh i'm so sorry this is happening to you.and glad you found our site. it's a caring community and i believe you will get the support you need here.
it sounds like to me that your husband has a sex addicition and perhaps a gambling addiction. i'm no doc but when anything we do becomes excessive and intereferes with our life and those around us..it's called an addiction. what he is doing is throwing the blame back on you where it doesn't belong when you approached him. he has become reckless with the family finances which in turn affects you and your daughter. he is reckless with leaving tapes around that no child should happen to put in a tv tape player.
this is just me, but i'd seek some advice from a divorce lawyer and separate your name from his regarding finances. difficult to do with you owning your own company, but i'm sure there is a way. credit cards, etc. if your state has a legal separation while you give him a chance to clean up his act, your choice, then the legal separation will protect your credit, etc. i don't believe this man plans on changing his ways. sorry.
i know others may offer some very different advice but since he doesn't want to participate in this marriage as a partner, i'd let him loose.
you and your daughter deserve better than what he is offering.

[thunderbear]

I hate to hear that is going on. But I totally agree with madisgram on this. He does sound like a sex addict. I know that's probaly hard to hear. But I hope you can move past this unscathed, both emotionally and financally.

[AAAAA]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this! I think your husband needs help, and if he's unwilling to seek it, you have no choice but to make him leave. In the mean time, I would make sure that you remove his name from all credit cards, bank accounts etc.

My mother in law died a few years ago. The month before her death my brother in law accidently got hers and FIL bank statement (has same name as his father). In the account there was $14,000. FIL is retired and works part-time for the state in a training type job. He bills his hours on a quarterly basis and had just gotten his fees.

None of use knew how addicted to gambling she was. She died on a Thursday afternoon. On Friday we were making arrangements and FIL says he'll go to the credit union on Monday to withdraw the money for the funeral. Monday we all discovered that there wasn't a penny in the account and that the car payments were several months behind. She was a lovely woman with a sickness. Immediately after FIL last large deposit she was taking thousands of dollars a day to put in slot machines.

Please don't let this be you. Don't let his illnesses bring the world down around your ears.

[Brian37]

as a sex addict myself and struggling to keep my wife from leaving, you need to confront him head on

it will not go away

he will continue to find and look for other sexual avenues for his own self

its no different than an alcoholic

it's not easy, but he is in total denial like I was

i havent fully recovered but have learned the pain I have inflicted on others

your foot is going to have to come down and either one of you (S-Anon for you) or (SA for him) will need to get into counseling

prayers for you and your family

Hi,

I am really sorry for your situation however I don't tend to agree with the others regarding what is going on. Yes your husband has been looking at images on the net however this does not (untill you find out otherwise) mean that he is acting upon it. One of the problems with the net is that you can search for one thing and it takes you off in all sorts of directions so this find shows only that he looks at images of some sort.

As for the gambling, the amount of money gambled would have been easy enough to have lost in 30mins and it could well have been toted up due to him worrying about having lost a smaller amount. No proof for the moment that he has an addiction.

The reason for his lies could well be due to embarrasment as the areas he has strayed into are hard to admit by even the most loyal of partners and the most communitive of relationships.

For my money he needs to be told about your concerns, that things are going in the wrong direction and that you both need to go to a counsilling service to discover wether or not he has a problem with addiction or just has a problem with the reactions hes getting in this situation.

After 15 years I believe this relationship deservese every chance possible as most marriages these days don't even make five years.....

[StrawberryFieldsss]

I am totally against divorce, but this guy needs a wake up call. He seems to think that he can do whatever he wants, and he can, but I would just make sure that he knows that he will be doing it without you.

He apparently has made it clear that he is not willing to talk about it and not willing to be accountable to you. He doesn't care if he exposes your children, okay maybe he cares, but again not enough to even admit it's a problem that he is willing to correct. He is putting it on you by telling you that you are overreacting.

I would definitely leave/kick him out and file for legal separation. The longer you put up with it, the more entrenched he will get.

JMHO!

[unhappywife]

Tishi,

I have read all of the responses and yours rings true with me. I confronted him again about how I feel, and he assured me that he has not acted on anything. He was curious, but would never hurt me in that way. The gambling was a one time thing, and I was very clear with him that if it happens again I won't cover the debt, he will have to get help, or he will have to find other living arrangements until he sorts himself out.

I agree that we need counselling. I'm sure I would have to go myself initially, but he would probably be amiable to coming over time. He doesn't have much faith in therapy I'm afraid. He has had a rough couple of years with some medical problems and I am convinced his meds have more of an affect on his behaviour than he'll admit. I checked them online and some do have depression as a side effect.

Thank you for your kind words. I have two beautiful children that have to come first, and they love their father very much. I truly believe he's not a bad person, but certainly needs some help.

Originally Posted by Tishie

Hi,

I am really sorry for your situation however I don't tend to agree with the others regarding what is going on. Yes your husband has been looking at images on the net however this does not (untill you find out otherwise) mean that he is acting upon it. One of the problems with the net is that you can search for one thing and it takes you off in all sorts of directions so this find shows only that he looks at images of some sort.

As for the gambling, the amount of money gambled would have been easy enough to have lost in 30mins and it could well have been toted up due to him worrying about having lost a smaller amount. No proof for the moment that he has an addiction.

The reason for his lies could well be due to embarrasment as the areas he has strayed into are hard to admit by even the most loyal of partners and the most communitive of relationships.

For my money he needs to be told about your concerns, that things are going in the wrong direction and that you both need to go to a counsilling service to discover wether or not he has a problem with addiction or just has a problem with the reactions hes getting in this situation.

After 15 years I believe this relationship deservese every chance possible as most marriages these days don't even make five years.....

[workingitout]

Hi, I am new here but your situation reminds me somewhat of mine and a few things I have been through. I have two suggestions from my own experience may be these can help you just a bit.

My husband lies and denies alot "unless" it is in black and white. It might be easier to set up on your computer a Parental Blokc, that way there is no chance of either him or anyone else in your family accessing inappropriate material. It is one thing for a person to have pornagraphy in the home "locked up" but if there is even a slight chance of a child getting into it at the age of 8, that crap would be gone!

Your daughter does not need to be exposed or have a risk of being exposed to crap like that at her age. If she came home from spending a night at her friends and got into the same thing would you continue to allow her to go to that home? Probably not I bet.

So why wait for "him to get rid of crap? On a day he is not home, just dig through the house, black bag it up and toss it in a dumpster or burn it! I did that and I told my husband if you want to view it you can...just NOT in OUR home and on OUR PC...I told him if his boss lets him read, watch and view porn at work then take it there...needless to say that will never happen.

My PC has a Parental Gurad on it not only because of my husband but teenage boys..I do not want a virus which many of these website have and so I passowrd protect it..monitor the sites and have it blocked so no one can acess porn. This has helped "me" and I could care less if it bothers anyone else. It is my home too! It is a boundary I will not allow anyone to cross in my home.

Just my own personal thoughts addiction or not....showing him in a thoughtful manner and in black and white how many wasted hours he has spent on porn might be a wake up call.

Money for us now has to be budgeted and ALL is accounted for even a candy bar purchase. This keeps everyone honest! In this day with the ecomony budgeting is very important and not to many people can just blow a 1,000 dollars...at least we could not.

Sounds like your hubby maybe bored as well...staying at home all day leaves "too much time" or idol time on a person's hands ...I am a stay at home mom and know this can happen. Planning something fun to break things up might be good for you both...an afternoon lunch? Evening picnic? dancing, dinner? Just a few ideas, hope they help a little.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by unhappywife

I have come to the end of my rope with my husband. After 15 years he has become someone I don't even recognize. He works from home and consistently lies to me about what he does during the day while I'm at work. I also accidently found out that he was looking at She-Males on the internet and he also searched Escort Agencies on Google. I panicked and looked at his credit card statement and found out he also went to a casino while I was at work and squandered over $1300.00 of our money. When I confronted him he said I was making a "big deal about nothing". He does the bookkeeping for my company so does contribute, however, I do all the day to day business and bring in the revenue. When I told him I wouldn't pay his bill he said he would "just leave".

The other day my 8 year old daughter came to me with an old porno tape that she had found in his desk drawer. A few months back she had found another one and so I asked him to please throw them out. He said he did, but obviously this is not the case. I asked him outright this morning if he had disposed of them, and he lied right to my face. I have confronted him about the constant lying and lack of communication but he just says "I'm not doing this", "I'm not talking to you about this", "you are too demanding, and overreact about everything". I don't think I'm being unreasonable. He is spending family money without communicating with me, and he's looking at things online that really disturb me. Who knows if he's acted on any of it because he lies about where he is during the day.

I am too embarrassed to talk to my friends or family about this, and I love my children, but I don't know how much longer I can hang in.

Dear Workingitout, I can certainly feel your pain. I think Madisgram advice was right on ! I'm a new member and recently posted my problem about how my husdand of 27yrs. decided to marry another woman (in a religious sense). His religion allows it but not all do that. This happened 3 yrs ago. Read my post . You're lucky in that you are able to be finacially independent in case you do separate. I'm a stay at home Mom and feel bound by my finacial circumstances. In this economy your husband shouldn't be going to casinos. He shouldn't be making financial decisions without you. As far as the porn websites it sounds like he has too much free time and they are truly destructive to any marriage. I also don't think he should be your bookeeper and you should have someone examine the books independantly to se what he's been up to. Is he a good Father? Just remember if you do decide to separate try to remain level headed and be civil to each other for the sake of your daughter. I wish I had your financial independance then I would be able to get out of my marriage. I wish you the best of luck and be wise.

[sunrise]

unhappywife, what most concerns me about your post is that your daughter is being exposed to pornography and that your H doesn't even seem to care, and says he won't talk about it with you because overreact. You are not overreacting. Your girls need to protected from pornography. It is not psychologically healthy for them to see this stuff at their age or even to know that their father enjoys watching this stuff. It can mess with their own sexual development. My H also was careless with his porn and exposed our girls to it. I did tolerate his Internet porn use for quite a few years, thinking, hey, he's an adult, it's not really hurting anyone, is it? But involving the girls was not right, and eventually his porn habit excalated to seeking out extra-marital partners.

I don't think the $1300 is really the issue, is it? It's what he is doing with his time and money--the porn, the gambling, etc. Say he didn't spend the money but was still doing those things--would you be OK with that? My H spent plenty of money on his girlfriends before we finally separated. I just let it go. What was most important was learning how he felt about our marriage (wanted non-monogamous relationship) and how careless he was about our daughters and deciding what I was going to do about it.

I am too embarrassed to talk to my friends or family about this

I think a therapist would be helpful. That's what they're there for. Your therapist can help you decide what you want to do about the marriage. If the decision is to get some marriage counseling with your H, then that's great.

Good luck.

[ihateit]

Originally Posted by Tishie

Hi,

I am really sorry for your situation however I don't tend to agree with the others regarding what is going on. Yes your husband has been looking at images on the net however this does not (untill you find out otherwise) mean that he is acting upon it. One of the problems with the net is that you can search for one thing and it takes you off in all sorts of directions so this find shows only that he looks at images of some sort.

As for the gambling, the amount of money gambled would have been easy enough to have lost in 30mins and it could well have been toted up due to him worrying about having lost a smaller amount. No proof for the moment that he has an addiction.

The reason for his lies could well be due to embarrasment as the areas he has strayed into are hard to admit by even the most loyal of partners and the most communitive of relationships.

For my money he needs to be told about your concerns, that things are going in the wrong direction and that you both need to go to a counsilling service to discover wether or not he has a problem with addiction or just has a problem with the reactions hes getting in this situation.

After 15 years I believe this relationship deservese every chance possible as most marriages these days don't even make five years.....

I have to disagree with those saying get out, he won't change, he's a liar and addicted...I think Tishie hit the nail on the head!

Divorce is too easy these days...doesn't anyone believe in the sanctity of marriage anymore? You say vows, not promises, but vows, to be together, etc., etc., 'til death do you part. I believe most marriages can and should be saved (again, yes there are exceptions). This one it totally saveable!

He has problems, needs counseling and maybe you two can do some marriage counseling, but I honestly believe this can be fixed. 15 years is a lot of time to just throw out the window. If he loves you, and you're both willing to get help, and you love him...do it, don't throw this away.

GL and God bless!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by ihateit

Divorce is too easy these days...doesn't anyone believe in the sanctity of marriage anymore? You say vows, not promises, but vows, to be together, etc., etc., 'til death do you part.

It's a fallacy to say people just throw their marriages out the window. Anyone who has been through divorce knows how extremely painful it is to go through. It is not something anyone enters into lightly. And it certainly is not easy at all. Most people who get divorced after 20+ years together have tried everything they could (or at least one party has) over a period of many years before finally getting divorced. I sure wanted to save my marriage, but my H had many affairs and just wasn't interested in monogamy anymore. (Isn't it one of the vows to be monogamous? Why hold to the "death do us part" vow when the others are broken?) I certainly couldn't force him to be monogamous. In couples counseling, with a very skilled marriage counselor, it became clear divorce was the best solution for us. Yep, divorce comes hard to those who undergo it. It is a hard road and people do not make the decision lightly. unhappywife, what I'm saying isn't really in response to your situation--I'm not saying that you and your H couldn't work out the problems in your marriage. I just wanted to stick up for all of us divorced folks out here who put our hearts and souls into our marriages and many, many years, but still had them fail.

[ihateit]

Originally Posted by sunrise

It's a fallacy to say people just throw their marriages out the window. Anyone who has been through divorce knows how extremely painful it is to go through. It is not something anyone enters into lightly. And it certainly is not easy at all. Most people who get divorced after 20+ years together have tried everything they could (or at least one party has) over a period of many years before finally getting divorced. I sure wanted to save my marriage, but my H had many affairs and just wasn't interested in monogamy anymore. (Isn't it one of the vows to be monogamous? Why hold to the "death do us part" vow when the others are broken?) I certainly couldn't force him to be monogamous. In couples counseling, with a very skilled marriage counselor, it became clear divorce was the best solution for us. Yep, divorce comes hard to those who undergo it. It is a hard road and people do not make the decision lightly. unhappywife, what I'm saying isn't really in response to your situation--I'm not saying that you and your H couldn't work out the problems in your marriage. I just wanted to stick up for all of us divorced folks out here who put our hearts and souls into our marriages and many, many years, but still had them fail.

No, it's not a fallacy to say people throw thier marriages out the window. If you notice I did say there are exceptions...not 100% of all marriages can be (or should be) saved. I had a G/F - Wife, with her for 8 years and she divorced me, there was nothing I could do about it, just as you couldn't with your H.

You can stick up for us divorced people, because I know how hard it is too...but I also know that marriages can be, and should be, in most cases, saved. If you read my post, I said if they are both willing, and if both really do love each other.

I am sticking to the truth though. A lot of people do throw them out the window, statistically over 50% of marriages end up in divorce, people treat marriage as if they were BF/ - G/F, just break up, no prob. In my counsleing sessions I have heard many stupid reasons why ppl get divorced, the worst one was because the husband wouldn't put the toilet seat down, that was it, that was the reason the wife divorced him...please.

I don't believe in divorce for many reasons, and unless you have exhausted everything, don't just throw in the towel. I am sorry you had to go through what you did Sunrise, because I too did, and I know what it's like, but those vows...they mean something to me, and marriage isn't something you enter into lightly...divorce, for the most part, is something people enter into lightly, because it's easy.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by ihateit

...divorce, for the most part, is something people enter into lightly, because it's easy.

Wow, do you really think that? Here I am, suffering for years with my husband and his OCD/OCPD, control issues, erratic behavior, sexual issues, etc...and I have put up with it because I made those vows. Of course, at the time we got married, 14 years ago, I had no idea things were going to be like this.

And I don't think it's easy at all to call it quits. I usually feel two things when it comes to my husband - either disgusted or numb - but I have stayed in this unhealthy marriage for the sake of our daughter who wants nothing more in life than to have her parents love each other and stay married.

I am a stepmom, and I don't want my daughter to endure what a stepfamily situation faces.

I also know this is not a healthy family situation either.

I am struggling terribly with this, trying to deal with the struggles that this marriage holds - while protecting the health of my daughter - and it is one of the main reasons I am now reaching out to a therapist.

I don't think divorce is easy AT ALL....

[Pomegranate]

I agree with madisgram statement that "i don't believe this man plans on changing his ways". Also the fact the he was looking at Shemales or what ever you said. He may need to address his own sexual identity problems. You may not be able to meet his sexual preferences, that's a big problem in a marriage, obviously. But most importantly, I agree with what every else here has said, you need to protect yourself and go get some good advice from experts, legal and mental health.

The fact that he left sex tapes around for a SECOND time for your child to find also sends alarms bells off in me. I'd give that some thought and attention, a gut check.

[ihateit]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Wow, do you really think that? Here I am, suffering for years with my husband and his OCD/OCPD, control issues, erratic behavior, sexual issues, etc...and I have put up with it because I made those vows. Of course, at the time we got married, 14 years ago, I had no idea things were going to be like this.

And I don't think it's easy at all to call it quits. I usually feel two things when it comes to my husband - either disgusted or numb - but I have stayed in this unhealthy marriage for the sake of our daughter who wants nothing more in life than to have her parents love each other and stay married.

I am a stepmom, and I don't want my daughter to endure what a stepfamily situation faces.

I also know this is not a healthy family situation either.

I am struggling terribly with this, trying to deal with the struggles that this marriage holds - while protecting the health of my daughter - and it is one of the main reasons I am now reaching out to a therapist.

I don't think divorce is easy AT ALL....

Yes, I do believe it's too easy. There is such a thing as irreconcilable differences...all you have to say is, I don't agree with you on the fact that the toilet seat should be up, and that is grounds for divorce. THIS is what I am talking about, and in my last post I thought I made that clear. If you had read my post, I too was in a long relationship/marriage where the divorce sucked, I HAVE been there, it wasn't easy, by far. I didn't want it...but it was all too easy for my X to just go to the courts and divorce me, and there's nothing you can do about it. If one party wants out, eventually the court will let it happen.

I do UNDERSTAND that NOT ALL marriages, and I stated this, will work out. The FACT remains though, that people take marriage and divorce too lightly. You're no longer just B/F -G/F, when you get married you're supposed to be doing it for life. My wife has major problems too, yet I am standing by her because I love her and I believe we will be, and are, ok. My situation is diff from a lot of you who do have "unfixable" marriages. For those of you going through things where you know it won't work and you have tried everything, I am very sorry for you and feel for you, honestly! Yet, like I said, unless you have exauhsted all avenues, don't just give up, if you have, than yes, there is no point anymore is there? I never disagreed with that.

And no one here is a mind reader...you have heard one side of someone's story...albeit I don't discount anything! I am in no way saying anything she has said isn't true, but we don't know him, so how do you know if he will change or not? He needs help, if he loves her and is willing to go through therapy and work things out...good, if not that is sad , and again, I agree, there's not much else left to do.

GL UH, and God bless, I hope things work out for you!

[mixedup_emotions]

I now understand your point. Thanks for clarifying.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by ihateit

I am sticking to the truth though. A lot of people do throw them out the window, statistically over 50% of marriages end up in divorce, people treat marriage as if they were BF/ - G/F, just break up, no prob. In my counsleing sessions I have heard many stupid reasons why ppl get divorced, the worst one was because the husband wouldn't put the toilet seat down, that was it, that was the reason the wife divorced him...please.

I know a lot of people who have gotten divorced and it has not come easily to any of them. I don't believe MOST people throw their marriages out the window, especially people who have children together. Sure there are exceptions out there (the toilet seat is an extreme example and probably was not the underlying issue anyway), but the majority of people do not leave a marriage without considerable effort at making it work. It is not easy getting divorced, and for the most part, people do not take that lightly. Yes, ihateit, I understand your views differ, but I guess it's important that we not invalidate others by stating our experience as "the truth", as clearly your truth is different from the one I have observed, and I'm basing that not just on my experience but on a wider group. I do understand personally the angst about splitting up. It's not an easy thing, divorce.

Originally Posted by ihateit

marriage isn't something you enter into lightly...divorce, for the most part, is something people enter into lightly, because it's easy.

Completely disagree. I believe you have it backwards, lol. Most people do not enter into divorce lightly, but I believe many, many people enter into marriage lightly, without really considering the depth of the commitment they should be making. And to repeat something I know to be true after a long experience in the legal system, just considering process and procedures (not emotions or vows or commitments), getting a divorce is not easy.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Wow, do you really think that? Here I am, suffering for years with my husband and his OCD/OCPD, control issues, erratic behavior, sexual issues, etc...and I have put up with it because I made those vows. Of course, at the time we got married, 14 years ago, I had no idea things were going to be like this.

And I don't think it's easy at all to call it quits. I usually feel two things when it comes to my husband - either disgusted or numb - but I have stayed in this unhealthy marriage for the sake of our daughter who wants nothing more in life than to have her parents love each other and stay married.

I am a stepmom, and I don't want my daughter to endure what a stepfamily situation faces.

I also know this is not a healthy family situation either.

I am struggling terribly with this, trying to deal with the struggles that this marriage holds - while protecting the health of my daughter - and it is one of the main reasons I am now reaching out to a therapist.

I don't think divorce is easy AT ALL....

Exactly!! This is a good illustration of the not untypical angst that people go through regarding divorce and staying together. Hang in there, mixed_emotions. I have to say that I stayed in my marriage for years past when I should have left, largely for the sake of the kids (and also my belief that marriage should last forever), and the breakup of the marriage has not had the negative effect I feared on the children. My former spouse and I have worked hard to have a good post-divorce relationship and cooperate on co-parenting. I know that's not possible for all divorced couples, but it is something to strive for it the other party is capable and willing. I do agree with ihateit, that people should consider all options before divorcing and try everything they can (unless there is severe abuse). Has your H tried going to counseling for his OCD and anger issues? Sometimes it's easier to get a spouse through the therapist's door if you say it is for marriage counseling, and once there, the therapist can help them see they need individual work too. Please PM me anytime....