[LavalampTerry]

I've been reading some of the previous posts re: transference and gotta admit, I have a bad case of it. I'm a 57 year old man - physical/sexual abuse survivor (both parents and others) - married - and have been in therapy for about 3 years. (1st therapy experience) Some time ago I began to experience romantic feelings for my therapist - 55 year old single female. It started with me hinting at the subject in sessions - making lite of them - laughling it off. Then it progressed to my serously wishing we had met under different circumstance because I felt we could have been "good" for each other. This, in spite of the logical part of me saying "why would someone as emotionally suffisticated as her want someone as f---ked up as you." And besides, I am married to a wonderful woman who has been nothing but supportive thoughout this process for me. But in spite of my attempts to minimize - rationalize - reason with myself - or remind myself of the realities here, those feelings for her continued to grow. To the point where I'd be out on a Saturday nite with my wife & wondering what my therapist was doing - seeing her with another man - which at once broke my heart & made me feel horribly guilty for having these thoughts about another woman. And then the attempts to "talk it away" began. Finally yesterday, I told her of these feelings - said that I had often thought about seeing another therapist - that it was unfair to her to have a client who thought of her this way - and who spent more time in sessions trying to present a false image of "wellness" so that perhaps she'd want him too. That is was terribly unfair to my wife who deserves a husband who doesn't have these sorts of thoughts about another woman. And that it was unfair to me - that I need a therapist who I don't have these thoughts about - maybe a man - so as to not cloud the reasons I came to therapy in the first place. Scarry stuff!! At one point I truly believed my guts were going to jump out of my skin. I was convinced that if I ever told her this, I'd be wisked out of her office so fast & handed over to a male therapist it would make my head spin. Well, that didn't happen. She explained the concept of transference to me. And that my feelings for her are a direct result of my upbringing and later events. That's all well & good - and I trust she knows what she's talking about - but in the meantime what do I do with these damn feelings?? The ones where I picture her with another man - holding hands - having dinner - dancing - laughing - having sex - and it breaks my heart that that's not me. And the guilt I feel when I look at my wife (who I love) having had such feelings. And the reality that I just can't "talk myself out" of this one. I've quit alot of stuff in my lifetime - made alot of changes - but this is BY FAR the hardest thing I ever attempted & BY FAR the most painful. Thoughts?

[emilyjeanne]

Welcome.

These feelings are difficult. I had them bad too. But the first step to dealing with them is recognizing them for what they are. Then you must talk about them. Figure out where they come from. Believe it or not working thru this stuff will help out with the sexual abuse stuff.

I'm happy that you told your T. Now the healing can begin.

[LavalampTerry]

Thanks for the kind words. I've been carrying those feelings for my T. for about a year maybe longer before I told her yesterday. Wasn't planning to - just evolved during the session. Before I knew it we were there. I don't remember the drive home it was so emotional telling her. To her credit she was wonderful about it all. We made a deal that if at any time I needed reassurance that she wouldn't leave me (my biggest fear in telling her) I could email her or call - every day if necessary for a while. This lady has touched something in me that has needed touching for a long time. By everything I'm reading OF COURSE I'd be attracted to her. I just have to figure out how to put my fondness for her in it's proper place I guess. Don't know how & it's awfly painful right now. That plus the guilt regarding my wife - we've been together for over 25 years & really do love her dearly - what a mess!!! Feel so disloyal to her. My T says we'll work it out - that I've made a start by getting it out there. In spite of her reassurance & encouragement I'm still scared I'll run her off with this. I tend to "latch on" when someone shows me attention. And I become dependent. Feel too needy sometimes - well all the time... And embarrassed it's come to this. Day at a time I guess. One thing is nice - stumbling on this website & reading these posts has shown me I'm not alone with this. I was sure nobody else went through this. Something must be wrong with me for feeling these things. Or some sick perv who lusts for other women behind his wife's back... Y'all sound pretty normal to me! And caring & Kind & struggling to make sense of it all - like me. Glad I'm here. Need all the help I can get. Hope somebody else responds. Other than the hour a week I see T there's no one else to talk to about this for me. Certainly can't discuss it with the wife & I really have no friends. Certainly none I'd trust with this. Anyway, thanks for responding.

[LavalampTerry]

Thanks for those kind words. I'm glad I stumbled on this site. Reading the posts, I now see I'm not the only one who is going through this stuff. I was sure there was something wrong with me for having those feelings. Comforting to know I'm not alone with this. I sat on my feelings for my T for about 2 years - swore I would never tell her - convinced I'd lose her if I did - waited for them to go away. Or tried to talk/reason them away. Didn't happen. Meantime, my feelings of guilt/shame knowing I was having these feelings for my T when thinking of my wife were suffocating. My wife & I have been married for over 25 years & she really is the love of my life. "How could I be so emotionally disloyal to her?? Etc., etc." My T & I have talked some about the sexual abuse & violence. She knows more about me than anyone else I know - even my wife. And my T was quite wonderful when I told her I loved her yesterday. Made a deal that I could call or email daily if I needed to for assurance that she "isn't going anywhere." Tuff session! Don't remember the ride home - but there's been alot of those... My T says we'll "work this out." Thank goodness! There hasn't been anybody to talk to about this. Certainly couldn't discuss it with the wife, and I don't really have any friends - at least none I can trust with this. I've had to deal with this alone. Exhausting!! At least now for an hour a week at least maybe we can begin to get to the bottom of this.. Again, thanks for responding. I can use all the help I can get!!

[Liam Grey]

Hei Lavalamp, welcome to the forum!

Even if our situations and backgrounds are really, really different, I must say I'm experiencing some kind of transfer too... so I think I know how you must feel.

As for the feelings... don't know what you can do. They are there, they can't be ignored or shut off with a botton... keep on bring them in therapy and I bet they'll get better!

Again, I have not practical suggestions... but I can offer empathy and I'll be glad to listen .

It's really bad when you are a female with a female therapist! Not belittling your feelings at all. Just expressing that it happens a lot more than people are willing to admit. I did tell my therapist and she said that I was the only client she has ever had to experience this. I got kinda peeved at her since I read on here that there are many of you that have or are going through this.

She then rephrased that I am the only one who has admitted that to her. She said there may have been others, but none that talked about it to her. I guess I will be her first client to help her get hands on experience with this topic!

[LavalampTerry]

Thanks Liiam. Mornings seem to be the worse. Feelings are real intense in the morning. I feel really alone in the morning & I just want to run to my T & hold her - be with her - look at her - and feel safe. All that while my wife is asleep upstairs. Crazy. Confusing. Powerful. Shameful. Then the day starts and I have to put that aside & "be a grown-up." You'd think at my age I would be past the "school boy crush" stage but -- not! I believe you guys when you say this is "normal" (a term T discourages) and that it'll get better, but... What do I do with these feelings in the meantime?? It's getting more and more difficult every day to carry this. Anybody?

[milkblood]

Transference is a very, very powerful thing and can be really helpful when dealt with properly. I think the first step is one that you have already taken which is telling your T about how you feel. That is usually the hardest step of all because we tend to feel such shame and embarrassment about it. My hope for you is that your T remains ethical and helps you to explore the transference and by that I mean helping guide you to understand what transference really is and how to deal with it. Transference is not only limited to a therapeutic relationship and is so very common with almost every relationship we find ourselves in. It sounds like you are in a lot of distress about your feelings towards your T and what that means about you as a person. We all tend to judge and analyze our feelings and thoughts which in turn make us feel worse. Try to be more mindful about the passing feelings and thoughts that you have toward your T. Simply notice them as just a feeling and just a thought and let it pass through your mind. Don't judge it as "good" or "bad". These judgments make us label ourselves as "crazy", "disloyal", and "guilty". Remember that these are all conclusions from your own judgment about the natural and common feelings and thoughts that we all experience in therapy. Put your best interest in mind here because this is about you, not your T. If you think you can continue working with her and perhaps working through the transference then by all means, do so! But if you find that these feelings and thoughts are becoming too distressing maybe it is time to seek a new T.

I have a lot of experience with transference, especially transference/counter-transference that occurs during therapy. PM me if you would like to talk further about it. Stay strong and know that you are not alone in this!!!

[LavalampTerry]

Milkblood thanks for your words. What you say sounds right. I do tend to be quite hard on myself in my reactions to how I react & feel. I plan on telling my T about my finding this forum and the efforts I'm making to deal with these feelings between sessions. An hour a week is nice, but I'll need to have some tools to deal with them the rest of the time. So maybe I can put them in their proper place some day & not feel like I'm living a "double life" - one where I'm having these feelings about my T while dealing with the rest of my life. I'd like to PM you but not sure how. You do sound like you have a pretty good grasp on this stuff. So maybe you could let me know how to PM you - or we can continue to do it this way. Whatever. If nothing else so far, at least I now know I'm not alone with this - that others do it too - and that it's not uncommon - that there's not something "wrong" with me for feeling this way - and that it gets better. Doesn't seem like that now, but I guess that's part of it.

[avoice]

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone anymore. I enjoyed reading about you. So sorry that happen to you. It's a mean world out there. Sometimes the one's you love most. Are the ones that can hurt you the most. If there anything I mean anything just let me know.

[Marie123]

I have been in love with my t for 6 years....we have discussed it.......I went to him for a business dispute......stayed with him after it was over, because of my feelings for him.

Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. Unfortunately, it hasn't gotten "better"---how could it? I love someone who is unavailable and as I told my t...I certianly NEVER would have chose that or wanted that to happen...no maschocist here, Ol, LOL

[LavalampTerry]

Thanks voice!! You're a good friend.

[LavalampTerry]

Yeah, Marie. Eventhough I told my feelings for her months ago - And she has been terrific about it - I still think of her that way sometimes. The feelings certainly aren't as intense - or paralysing - but they're there. And my marriage is strong. I can't imagne my life without my wife - OR without my T. Confusing... Thanks for the input.

[Paraclete]

Hi Lavalamp

I understand the transference problem, I was married when I started my first stage of therapy and the transference that developed toward my female therapist was startling and unexpected, and completely overwhelming. It DOES spring from younger unmet needs. I struggled with guilt, and while I loved my husband, it did throw me off balance. What I felt for my T was so strong and intense that it made my love for my husband look weak and boring in comparison. This is a dangerous comparison, and very unrealistic. I'm just very grateful that she was a woman and not a man because this made it easier to see that the feelings were not completely 'real'. I was a straight married woman, so why would I suddenly have romantic feelings toward an older woman? With the opposite sex T though it can feel so real and confusing. It's too easy to lose sight of what's real and what is not. Just remember the Therapeutic relationship and any resulting transference is artificially induced, like the pain of a limb that has been amputated, it feels real, you feel it now, but it belongs to the past. Try hard to keep it in a 'box' (in a healthy way) by way of reminding yourself it doesn't belong to now, and despite how strong your feelings toward your therapist get, because they arise from past experience, and past needs, they can never, ever belong to now. What you have now is your very real relationship with your wife. True love is not wildly exciting - it's deep and warm and mild and constant, secure, and stable. Resist the illusion that you can bring these overwhelming intense feelings toward T into reality. Should you ever try to materialise these ghostly remnants of the past by acting them out (in the form of an affair) you would very quickly find that they are not as magical as they appear. Keep it in context, allow yourself to feel them, but don't let yourself feel guilty in regards to your wife. They are part of the process, if you just remember they are not a threat to your current real life relationship with your wife, they belong to the past, and through them you will be able to heal that past - you may be able to find the balance you need. Easier said than done. But all the best.

[LavalampTerry]

Thank you for that Paraclete. Yeah, the guilt about all that was really bad. I felt like such a bad husband for havimg those thoughts about my T. My wife has been my rock through all this - and long before I started therapy. When I started having those thoughts about my T I felt like I was living a double life. Even almost said my T's name during intimate moments a couple times.... I thought my my wife deserved SO MUCH BETTER than that!!

And I now know that those feelings for T are regarding unmet needs as a child. And that my T was fulfilling those needs. And that my reaction to having those needs met were taking grown up forms. My T explained that to me and has been helping me to get those same needs met by my wife too, so that my reactions came be more appropriately directed. And it's working! Has taken alot of "re-negotiating" on our part - anything from splitting up the houshold chores to re-defing our physical relationship... But we're getting there!

Thanks for your input. Makes me feel like I'm not the only one...

[WePow]

It may sound odd, but perhaps allowing your mind to enjoy the thoughts while with your wife could help you process through all of this? It is the denial of the emotions and desires which create the internal conflict. Thinking things and doing them are not equal.

[Paraclete]

WePow, I understand the thought behind this suggestion, . It would be great if eventually Lava could bring those NEEDS that he feels toward his T into his relationship with his wife, where he can learn to get these met by her. However this is different to acting out his sexual fantasies for his therapist through his intimate relationship with his wife. This should stand alone, for what it is, a healthy sexual relationship with a woman he truly loves. This deserves exclusivity. I don't believe it's healthy to bring fantasies for another person into a marraige. Certainly not during sexual intimacy with a spouse, the focus in this moment should be on them, on the relationship that already exists. Otherwise you allow space for discontentment to set in.

Just my opinion.

[LavalampTerry]

Yeah. I appreciate the suggestion too, but when I told my T about this particular fascet of the trans. (embarrassing!) she suggested I keep my eyes open -- to "stay present." So that I can focus on who I'm with - and not entertain the other stuff... Suffice to say that seems to work.... Thanks for the input guys! For me the fact that someone would take the time to respond is as important as the response itself!