Roll Call 14

Congrats on the new kitty junkDNA! That's awesome news!

thanks. im starting to sweat and get real panicky about quitting right now. forreal. its making me nervous. like i know i can do it. but its just its making me nervous. maybe if i just just took my xanax just with those feelings. i honestly dont want the taste in my mouth anymore but crave the way the cigs make me feel. honestly tho the first cigarette of the day is the only cig i crave yet when i smoke them they make me too calm.

lets get it right
i still crave cigarettes but ill do my best to do something. im ordering ecigs right now. im having them shipped fast so i can not crave these regular cigs.

thank you so much!

LOL now ima be hooked on ecigs.
im all shakey right now.

a lot of people with mental illness especially with schizophrenia smoke cigarettes.

I don't smoke cigarettes but I hear the chemicals in it is calming for those who suffer from schizophrenia.

I will keep you in my prayers. I know it is a very hard thing to stop smoking. Keep us up to date. Best wishes!

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its very calming. but i kinda like my hyperedness kinda dont. thats why maybe i figure i could switch back to ecigs with nicotine. it doesnt produce quite the same effect as real cigs but its almost good enough.

its kinda weird how i just got out of smoking but at the same time im taking up gauging my ears again. something like this

The scheduling lady in my new pdocs office is a bit of a nazi. So it's like two days before my first appointment and they call me to tell me to show up a full thirty minutes early which wouldnt be a huge deal except that I'll be at work and the appointment was already for an hour...so I had to think about it a bit when she asked if I would be able to make it. This actually means I have to show up like half an hour early for work or so just to work around it which is fine but then she has this weird tone of well if you can't make it you have to give us at least 24 hours notice or you won't be able to reschedule....have you ever heard of that? Basically if you miss an appointment without calling they won't ever let you make an appointment again. Not that I ever have but seriously when dealing with people with MI this seems like a bad idea...if I ever have a break and don't show up I'll just lose my doctor outright...um good idea....what were they thinking with this policy? This is after they have cancelled my appointment twice already once with less than 24 hours notice. Nice double standard. Ugh. A huge part of me is like...I'm stable off the meds two months why do I even need a pdoc....but my family and my old pdoc think I do so ill at least try it but I mean really this might be just the excuse I need to cut ties with the pdoc world entirely.

Sometimes: I'm so sorry this lady treated you that way! I agree with you- that policy makes zero sense! People with MI need compassion and need to be understood. I understand that the office needs to some how make sure they have a full day's worth of appointments. We all know they want to ensure their pay days! But I don't think someone with MI should be afraid of losing help if they miss an appointment. Nor should the office cancel someone's appointment unless it is absolutely necessary. The office should give out the same respect that they are requiring of their MI patients.

sometimes:

i heard of rescheduling 24 hours or canceling 24 hrs before but not of not being able to reschedule if you dont do it in 24 hours. thats slightly odd.

if youve been stable off meds that should say a whole lot

Sometimes: I've heard of missing an appointment 3 times and you're out for counseling places that offer free counseling / Pdocs. However I never heard of not being able to reschedule if you don't do it in 24 hours.

another thing is that i smoked when i was bored. now i have nothing for my boredom from meds.

Kind of like how some people eat out of boredom.

exactly. i actualy eat out of boredom too. i just need something to do with my hands. you know. that incorporates my whole body. and smoking was perfect because i could hold it and smoke it and my whole body was incorporated.

Perhaps you can find a hobby to get into?

I want a new job. I'm so bored. You guys vote, and I'll do it.

I got stuck for a minute trying to wade thru snow up to my waist to get the mail! So much wind has made super deep drifts.

Vote on what? Is this a dare? lol I like dares.

i can try.

ive tried so many hobbies tho. ive definitely maxed out everything i wanted to do. but maybe i can try one again. idk. its so hard. cuz the medicine makes me uninterested in life.

Here's a good place to start. Discover A Hobby - Ultimate Directory for Finding and Learning New Hobbies!!

However, I get what you mean. I should probably take my own advice. I too find myself uninterested in life. Despite what I tell everyone I am not actively looking for a job and have no interest in going back to school. I sit on my lazy *** all day on the computer and brows the internet all day. I'm living with my parents and collect SSI. I guess if the government didn't think I was "disabled" I wouldn't be getting the SSI checks to began with. Kind of makes me feel worthless leach on society though.

What about ur art newtus? I've gotta get back into my art. I sort of miss it

yea i understand that too. im on ssdi. and have lost all motivation in life DUE TO meds. i feel like a leach on society too but wonder if i lower my meds maybe i can get back interested in things. but this will never happen if i dont lower my meds and im having trouble getting the pdoc to lower them. he doesnt care. period. becuase if i was on private insurance and seeing a private doc i bet hed care more. or at least listen to me more.

i live with one of my parents too Erti. my dad. he takes care of me. and its kinda like i care for him too cause hes in his late 60s. and has an alcohol problem.

i got disability really fast with no lawyer so i always wonder if im truly THAT disabled. i suppose i am since ive gotten everythign from schizoaffective to chronic paranoid schizophrenia on my diagnosis sheets.

thats the thing. ive lost almost total interest in my art. damn i blame the meds for EVERYTHING. and rightfully so. they are debilitating poisons. truly. and the last time i saw the pdoc he goes "do you think the meds are poision?". well f_k yes i think their poision but if i told him that that just furthers his belief that im delusional and need the meds.

its a revolving door of crap is what it is.

I'm not sure if it's because of my meds or because of depression. My parents are young (mom is 43 Stepdad is 44) so I don't have to take care of them like you have to with your father.

I also got disability really fast too. I didn't have to "fight" for it. Also got Medicaid really fast too.

You make me want to show off my work of art.

Haha I sort of feel like doing it too. I got some mad stuff. But posting pictures....I just couldn't be bothered with all the trouble.
I use to use oil paint and create universal spacey looking paintings. I called them clouds, which in my opinion have a physical solid nature to them. They're not just water vapour and white fluffy stuff. That was my artist statement.