Roll Call 14

im gonna see since i rescheduled if i cant call tmorrow and apologize for my behavior. and then when i see her - in person. i called today and she wasnt in.

That sounds like a good plan to me.

I agree with this. Also, I know from experience that I did eventually reach a point where things were better and the sucidal thoughts were less. Life did get better. It was in ways I didn't expect or even think of at the time when my depression was the worst. It's not something that happens over night, but as a progression, and a lot of it getting better was due to my own actions and working towards making myself well. Believing that suicidal thoughts are a lie your brain is telling you has made a huge impact on my life. It makes it much easier to survive them when they come.

Just got back from the new pdoc---she seems nice---she apologized for the woman on the phone apparently they are training some new people and she is going to talk with them about it. I think I may have done something bad though---they have a million and one questions about suicide that you have to just keep answering so I have a problem lying and one was really like---have you ever like ever thought about it even for a minute---well yeah when I was really sick I did think about and I had a plan just in case---it was 2.5 years ago so I'm not in trouble but in my file now I have that along with the fact that I would not ask for help because I considered it euthanasia and don't distinguish between physical and mental pain. Then they ask if there are any circumstances that you would consider it again----well I had to say that yeah if I were in extreme mental or physical pain and that I tried multiple medications and therapies that failed I would probably consider it. So yeah now I have all this suicide stuff in my file---brilliant, way to think brain.

glad you kinda got it worked out Sometimes

are you worried you might do something to yourself? or is it just in your file?

No---I don't really consider it suicidal at all---it's a completely rational exit strategy if things become unbearable---like how they give spies a cyanide pill in case they get tortured because you know better to just die than that right? I'm just worried about it being in my file now---I didn't think it through at all---I should have just lied. There is the possibility that it will come back to bite me in the butt later.

i have a hard time lying.

didnt hitler take a cyanide pill?

if I think about suicide its a "DANGER" but why if you think about it its rational? is it because i have schizophrenia and am mentally unstable?

I refuse to discuss suicide with mental health professionals. Whenever I feel like that I just work through it. Discussing it is pointless. Having those thoughts documented in my records does not alleviate my despair. All it has ever done was alienate me and give me a stigmatizing label called BPD. The psychiatrists would tell me I would always have those feelings and that there was nothing they could do. ****ing ********.

I had my first suicidal feelings in ten years right before Christmas. Four days ago death was an attractive option. My psychiatrist isn't going to ever find out about this. She knows I am depressed and that is all she needs to know.

thats the sucky part. theres nothing they can do about those feelings.

or at least for me. same with depression.
they cant help. no thereapist. no doc.

the only thing i found that helps depression KINDA is time. letting is pass. and thats the worst feeling in the whole entire world. because at the worst it may not pass for years. for some people

yeah...I have no idea if he did or not. It's still considered danger when I think about it---only I think its rational---I assure you that the pdocs do not. I don't know of any countries that allow you to kill yourself when mentally ill but there are places where you can request euthanasia for yourself if you can prove you are not mentally ill. To me it is the same though, if I had terminal cancer I wouldn't want to live through that or see those around me dealing with my suffering either how is that really different from untreatable mental illness---its still pain for everyone. If this had been more recent I can assure you they would have sent me to the hospital though that's why its stupid to say that to them at all---it will just make it easier for them to lock me up in the future. Anyway at the point I was suicidal I was actually afraid I might hurt someone else---I didn't realize that I still had control---better to eliminate myself than risk hurting someone else and then have to live with it the rest of my life under forced medication. Also I was not depressed---people have all sorts or irrational negative thoughts when depressed---these are typically transient as in you'll feel better if you wait a while or get the right meds. I guess that's why I considered it rational but nobody else would see it that way I know. Also it was not a constant thought, just a plan in the back of my mind in case things did not improve. It made me feel better knowing that I had a way out if I really wanted to use it but I had plenty of things to try before it came down to that---just a last resort really. But yeah if anybody knew it would have been danger and they would have tried to talk me out of it and stuff just like we do to you----

i feel like im living under forced medication. it sucks so much.

I don't know, Sometimes, I think if you answered it the way you describe here, then I think it's not a big deal. I've told random therapists that I was sucidial but had no plan and they pretty much just always blew it off. The trigger is if you say "I feel suicidal and I have a plan right now." That's what I've noticed anyway.

yeah I have no idea why I told her---I almost feel like it was arrogance like I was so unlikely to ever do it that it didn't matter if she knew or not but it was so so stupid of me to tell her.

Yeah well she said I was fine and didn't need meds and our next appointment isn't for 3 months so its fine but man she typed the whole thing into my record which could follow me around for life and that will be the first thing a new pdoc will read. It just wasn't a great thing to say. Its more the future repercussions that I'm worried about.

its not just the forced medication but the idea of hurting someone while you're sick but then becoming rational and aware of what you did under forced medication and not being able to deny that it happened. My gut instinct in that case would be to go off the meds so I didn't have to deal with reality but they would never let you. That would be torture and yet they won't even allow the death penalty for the mentally ill which I think is a kinder fate.

i never had a pdoc read my record from other pdocs

this last one i GAVE them my records.

m-i-s-t-a-k-e

Sometimes they ask and have you sign some forms so they transfer over---my old doctor actually gave me a card to give to the new doctor just in case she wanted more info and they talked about me before I even met her. Technically I think some privacy laws may have been breached but he apparently didn't use my name in the initial conversation until I said I wanted to meet with her then he had to tell her who I was. But yeah if they don't normally ask that's good.

I'm praying for all of you that are struggling. Today I am feeling much better. Am a bit worried that I may have an ear infection though. Ear feels weird with a tiny bit of pain. Worse than that now my daughters are feeling bad. Both stayed home from school today. One daughter seems worse than the other. This flu stuff is really scaring me. I saw on the news if another lady age 29 who died from it. Seems like it's harder on the younger people. My daughters are 19 and almost 18. My 19 year old is the one I'm worried about. She's so little- under 100 pounds- I worry if she'll be strong enough to fight off the illness if it's the flu. She doesn't have health insurance. I'm going to monitor her very close and if needed take her to the emergency room. They'll just have to bill me. I don't know what else to do!

OH i see

the only time i had to sign forms to send mental health info was from hospitals TO doctors but never doctor to doctor

My son found out today that there were 20 to 25 applicants for that part-time peer support position he didn't get. And some of the applicants had advanced degrees in social work or psychology or related fields. Now he doesn't feel so bad for not getting the job.

That's good that he doesn't feel bad about not getting the job.

yea thats kinda good

My son saw his pdoc today. My son asked about lowering his dose, and the pdoc gave him this article: NIMH · Antipsychotics: Taking the Long View

The pdoc said that his chance of relapse if he went off the med was greatly increased, but on the other hand if he didn't relapse in the first 6 to 10 months he would probably do better off the med than on. So, it almost sounds like he wants to try taking him of the med.

The pdoc asked if I could be at his next appt. ???

Also, my son got his final paper back from the peer support class today. The teacher wrote all kinds of positive things on the paper and put a note at the end that he should definitely work in mental health.

saw my pdoc yesterday...i was on 6mg of invega oral meds but he's completely taken me off it now. I'm still on the 100mg invega shot but he eventually wants me off it all together because he thinks its not worth it...even though I'm not getting any side effects from it...the chance i might develop a tremor and all this stuff isn't worth it....i guess I'm getting closer to my goal of being off meds completely this year!

thats so good costello!!!! some positive feedback to boost the spirits is always a welcoming sight! good on him

this is what i don't understand..ive only been on invega for 4-5 months and from what i can see its doing a pretty good job...so i dunno why he wants me off the stuff when I've been so up and down lately with my symptoms crawling back a bit...i can tell u now my psychologist won't approve.....