Roll Call 14

good point
and good question. he doesnt have really support. bu he said going to "MY" group that talks to caregivers that have family with mental illness HELPS him. so idk. idk what to think about that. because it has nothing to do with alcohol really and not about him. its about MY MENTAL ILLNESS. so im confused.

Not necessarily. Being a caregiver is difficult on it's own. Even though you are the one with the illness your dad watches what you go through. I can say as a parent watching my kid struggle and suffer and not be able to help or make it better would be a huge emotional strain on me.

It's kind of like this forum. You talk about your dad and his drinking, but you also show how much you love him and he loves you, and how scared you get if something might happen to him. And we all listen and let you know we hear you. It's not really about him, it's about you and how you need support with something truly important to you. So, I think it's the same thing. They aren't talking about your illness so much as what they are going through as being part of our worlds.

I think it would be the same if you had cancer or a bad heart or Downs Syndrome or kidney disease anything else that threatens the person you love. And for some people emotional strain = self medicate with drugs/alcohol/too much t.v. or internet/gambling etc. So, even if it's not directly discussing alcohol it could still be theraputic.

JunkDNA I'm so sorry to hear about ur kitty! Mine died a couple of years ago and it was as if someone had stabbed really hard in the chest. It hurts to have a pet u were so close with leave u. It took me weeks to get over his death. But I did get over it and now I remember all the good times I had with him.

So I ventured out of my room for a bit to see my Mum. Took Maxy cos he doesn't really like being cooped up in my room all the time, even though he's being really good about it. She keeps asking me what's wrong and I keep saying "nothing", though it's obvious that something is up. She said that if she knew what was wrong then she could help, but I said that no-one can help. Then she brought up about when I was sectioned and she told me that would happen and I didn't believe her. And she said that if I don't stop staying in bed, then she'd have no choice but to ask for help from the CMHT. So I told her that they wouldn't help me anyway, so there was no point.

I didn't really appreciate being threatened with the CMHT and/or hospital. And I don't really get why she thinks they would care even if she did ring them!? I get that she's worried because I'm staying in my room all the time, but I don't see what talking to her (or Dad) about this will achieve. If I tell them I want to die, that's not going to make them worry any less! So it's best I just keep my mouth shut, right? Especially if she's going to repeat it all to the psych idiots, which is what usually happens. I know that she's hurt that I won't open up, but it's not going to make me feel better, it's not going to change anything, it's not going to magically 'fix' me, so why burden her with it? She's already ill with some liver problem right now that the doc wanted to admit her for, but she refused, so I don't want to make her worry more.

*Willow*

but how does it help him? u know? or idk. maybe im confused.

edit///
i think your right after doing some thinking about it. it helps him and helps him help me. unfortunately we havent been to the group in months now. its kinda far and late at night so we usually DONT go. but he said he likes it. maybe we go back soon? idk.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your cat, jD.

lol my dad told me I was conceived when my mom was drunk.

apparently i was concieved during christmas time loving. then born in the summer.
i cant imagine my parents getting warm by the heater on a cold winters night and then
*BOOM*
...here i am.

thanks. I asked to have him cremated and they are giving me his ashes.

thanks for your support guys. it means a lot. im still hurting. I miss him a lot. I had to change the picture on my phone because it was of him and it hurt too much to look at it. I cant get the image of them putting him to sleep out of my head. I was holding him in my arms and they injected him and his little head fell over. it was really hard. I am still so sad about it. my mom took me to her house for the night. I have plans today with friends. I cant be alone in my apartment right now. because its so empty

anyone notice that the kitty in my signature doesn't work now? coincidence

lol, I think most of us has a hard time picturing our parents conceiving us. As for my parents I picture them at a party getting drunk and screwing each other.

It's a sign. Kitty saying she/he loves you

I was conceived on my parents' honeymoon. My nasty Nan was convinced that my parents only got married because my Mum was pregnant, so it's a good job I wasn't premature. The stupid woman still thinks that my Mum was pregnant with me for over a year, because she can't accept that they were in love, and still are 28 years later!

*Willow*

part of me feels good i was the one sperm tht made it through and another part of me wish i hadnt

to put it bluntly

does listenigg to sad music make u sad everyone?

as the days go on they just meld together like nothings happening. its all so sad. becauss nothing IS happening. i sleep and smoke and eat. im not content with my life. i remember when i wanted to move out. but now i cannot as i cannot even bring myself to physically live or mentally live. this is such a disservice. i cant do anything i want to do or need to do. i dont want to live. if only anyone outside of here only knew...

edit///
i take that back i want to live but i cant. its like im not allowed to live.

sometimes i cant even post on here its like too much trouble.

i just dreamed there was a game show in a church. it was weird
then i had a psychotic episode in my dream. hearing voices in my dream. i needed a cigarette after all that. and i was even smoking in my dream. when i woke up the dream continued on and the world kept moving FAST.

i think im getting headaches from sleeping too much on these meds.

newtus, how do you post a pic? Do you put it as an attachment (click on the paper clip up top) or do you do something else? I'm trying to post a pic and each time my pic comes out real small (as an attachment). When you post your pics they come out real big. I want to know how you do that.

well i use tapatalk on the iphone to post pics.

but you can goto TinyPic - Free Image Hosting, Photo Sharing & Video Hosting and upload and change the size there and then use the last link to post a pic.

yeh sad music just adds to my depression...but its the only music i feel like listening to at the time because i find it comforting at the same time....if that makes sense...

I think the problem is that the pic is scanned. It's an article that was in last weeks Time magazine and I'm trying to make it legible with little success. The article has a diagram in it about the NSA and how much they are into our lives, regardless if we are paranoid or not. It's some scary stuff.

Newtus, maybe I should mail it to you (unless you can get a hold of last weeks Time magazine. The Pope is on the front cover) to see if you can upload it? I would really like to post this.

omg cybermember thats bad

Can I mail it to you to see if you have better success? I'd understand if you said no.

But there's gotta be a way to post this.

On the other hand, maybe this incessant need to post this NSA spying article is really me starting to step off the cliff.

I kept the ashes of my dog Costello when I had to have him put to sleep due to cancer. He was my favorite dog of all time. I still have the ashes. I wonder if I should spread them somewhere? It's been like 5 years since he died.