Roll Call 24

my mom is giving my stepdad a fathers day card. he doesnt deserve one. hes not a natural father and never been one to my sister and i. he sits on the computer all day. i rarely see him. he doesnt deserve a god_damned card.

I know that feeling. You do its ur mind telling u otherwise.

Normal things just don't seem to fit I feel like I belong more to my other world with evil beings and magic. Did I prefer it maybe I did I don't know.

It makes me doubt my depot. I was scared I remember but was it really that bad?

Did you ever see inception....when they return to the real world it doesn't necessarily feel real so they make a token to help them determine when they are in the real world because each world changes it slightly. I could totally relate to that the real world is so much more beige if you know what I mean----and you really have to choose to come back here----there has to be meaning for you people, places, things that you can't create with your own mind----you have to find what's meaningful for you and build it here. A lot of times the world you were in before will tell you what you want to do---I wanted to heal people...so I have integrated more aspects of that here in this world and it makes me happier to be here than I was before...

Well usually u feel good, at least from what I've seen.

Before I was medicated I felt like it was me against the world. I wanted to move out of America (I still kinda do, lol) but now that I'm on meds I don't feel so different u know?

I think what sometimes said was good.

I loved that film it actually featured in one of my 'delusions'. Maybe that's it the other world I'm told what I have to do they give me things I have to do to stop the world ending or something like that nothing else mattered. But now I'm back here but not fully I still have glimpses of my other world and I'm here because I upset people in my other one and they tell me it's not safe and I'm not well. I've been told I'm weird and that's even without all the other stuff. Maybe I don't belong in this world.

I feel like I had more goals in the other world, I'm not really interested in much in this world. I find it hard to remember how I've felt before once it's passed so I can't remember how bad it felt

im making an appt with a new therapist. i left a message i hope it went thru and they call me back.

good luck I hope they accept you

Yeah so that's interesting to me that you also wanted to help people---I mean for me I thought I could heal people medicine couldn't treat and you want to save the world so there is this intrinsic caring about other people even amidst the sometimes bad things people can do(at least in my delusions/hallucinations some things were bad). Are there any causes you feel strongly about in this world---saving the rainforest the whales, people after a disaster,or people who are sick or poor. I guess what I'm saying is incorporate more of that helping behavior in whatever way you can---either with the skill set that you have or learn a new skill set to help in this process. You don't have to join the peace corps or become mother Theresa but you know find a way to contribute in your own way...

well i went to get the book T got me from him. i started reading it. its so cool. im excited to talk about it with T in therapy. this is a link for the book
Amazon.com: Living with Voices: 50 Stories of Recovery (9781906254223): Marcus Romme, Sandra Escher, Jacqui Dillon, Dirk Corstens, Mervyn Morris: Books

I think Willow was reading this a while ago---I have it on my wish list from June of last year. You'll have to let us know all about it!

so the therapist called me back. hes a clinical psychologist. thats a change. but hes 30 miles away. thats ok i guess. i see him on tuesday. we will see how this goes. im extremely nervous.

You weren't seeing a psychologist before---what were you seeing?

ive read some of it so far and its pretty cool. i can relate a lot. especially about the correlation between the voices and abuse. how they can take on the persona of the abuser. its helpful to read that other ppl experience voices that tell them to do bad things and how they handle it. like testing the voices. for instance if they say to do something and if i dont they will hurt me, just tell them "then do it" and find out hat they really cant do anything but talk. anyway ill write more about it the more i read it.

a regular LPC. just a counselor

Oh this should be much better then...my T was a clinical psychologist who also did academic research and she was stellar....

idk what my T is. hes going to school right now to get a doctorate i think. he has a masters in atmospheric chemistry (lol) and psychology. but he does a lot of research too. hes a huge nerd. he loves to make graphs and charts. he gives me a schema test every months and graphs my answers. he gets really excited about research. hes always printing out articles for me to read. he told me that he used to want to be a catholic priest. that was shocking. i was like wtf. im glad he decided to become a T and im glad i wound up working with him. our relationship is very healing for me. i hope that ur new T is a good T newtus. u deserve it.

newtus----this totally fits that saying that when one door closes another one opens and in this case I think you are opening the door to something much better than what you had before...

Also my new pdoc was asking me about anxiety etc and I said I was nervous to meet her and she said it was totally normal...so everybody gets nervous about this kind of stuff...

thanks guys. i hope he accepts me as a regular client. im very nervous he wont becuz my diagnosis. idk if i should be honest and say it or not

I used to volunteer for the rspca before my last time so I think animals are what I care about most. Maybe I could do some fundraising when I get some motivation back

That might even be better---people are really open to new stuff when they are starting out and they are always caught up on the latest advances...atmospheric chemistry---hmm that's different but suggests he's exploratory so probably another good thing.

Better to know sooner---if he has issues with sz then you don't want to deal with his issues on top of your own....