Roll Call #79

Holy **** we've had the same roll call for a month. That hasn't happened in ages, lol!

Since I decided to actually shower today I decided to show off my purple hair

looks cool erti!!!!!!!!!!!

i am at my moms. my sister is staying here now. she has no where else to go. she seems really depressed. my mom and i went out to eat, my sister didnt want to go. my mom told me she heard her bawling in the shower one night. omg,,, that makes me so sad...... i asked my old pdoc that i still text sometimes for reccomendations on a pdoc. he gave me 2 doctors. my mom has their info... shes waiting for a good tiem to give it to my sister. i think my sister has left the manic stage and is in depression. i feel so bad for her... it reminded me of one time when i was a lot younger i remember reading my sisters journal (ya i know, im a bad sister) and she had written in it that she heard me crying one night in my room, and wrote "i hope junkDNA is ok". i feel like the tables have turned now.

That looks great! Did you bleach your hair before adding the purple?

Yup! Here's my hair bleached before putting the purple dye in.

I find myself worrying about my siblings too and I know they worry about me with my odd behavior. You can't help but worry about other family... I worry about mine all the time. My sisters drug problem... my niece. My other sister too with my stepfathers cancer. Sometimes I wish I didn't have empathy because it's going to be my family that puts me in the grave lol.

yeah, its hard. my sister and i grew up neglected (emotionally) and were indirectly taught to not talk about how we feel. ive mostly healed from that thru therapy, but my sister is still very closed-off and guarded. she seems to be more willing to open up to me rather than my mom... im sorry about your family situation, it sounds really tough

I too grew up around abuse and neglect. I think a lot of that is rooted with my sisters drug problem and my mental health issues. It's good she can open up to you. When my sister lived with us she brought up some stuff that made me realize the **** my stepmom and dad put me through wasn't just in my head. It's crazy but it made me feel closer to her. Keep talking to her.

Thanks. I find it weird... I'm the one diagnosed schizophrenic but it seems like I 'm the most leveled headed people in the family.

You look so cute! Both ways, you look great.

Thanks !

Lol, i feel that way too. :

Lol... think of it this way... we're sane enough to get help. They choose to live with their issues and let it take over them.

Exactly what I thought all my adult life. I'm in a weird "don't ask don't tell" phase. They don't want to hear about my issues, and I don't care to hear about theirs because of that. If one of them could ever just say "I'm sorry you were/are still the scapegoat, i could forgive them on the spot. But no such luck, still. :/

I'm more of a person that treats people how I want to be treated no matter how badly they've treated me. I forgive my mom's ex boyfriend for molesting me and raping me from before I can remember until I was 7 years old. I forgive my stepmom and dad for locking me in a bedroom all day and with not eating some days. I forgive my stepmom for treating me differently than my brothers and sister. I forgive my mom for emotionally abusing me and threaten bodily harm on me and taking her frustration out on me. I forgive my uncles threatening me with a knife to get me to behave as a child and my other other for grabbing my hair and slamming me on the ground and throwing me across the room as a child for pissing him off. I forgive my grandfather for peeping in on me while I was naked and putting clothes on. None of them told me sorry but I forgive for myself. I can't hold it all in me like that. It will consume me and turn me into a hateful person. Not saying that it doesn't bother me. I still get nightmares and I still suffer the repercussions from my abuse but I wont let anger get the better of me.

Wow, that's a lot of incredibly severe abuse. I'm sorry youve been through so much. If it's ok, i send virtual, and appropriate hugs. ((((( Erti )))))

Sorry to hear you were abused so much erti. No one deserves that... I am struggling to accept my abuse and talk abt it. I've ignored and compartmentalized it for a long time

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Thanks for the hugs. People have their demons. Like my mom says... mine talk to me lol...

Had a nap in the middle of the day cuz tiredness.

There's points where the paranoia is so low that I would be completely fine with booking a flight to some country in Africa like seriously. I wouldn't be bothered at all lol.

I find talking about it and writing it down to be therapeutic. I find ignoring it and compartmentalizing it creeps back on me somehow. It's hard it really is. We got to find a way to deal with it. Healthy ways to deal with it. Therapy is a good first step. Then it's finding ways to channel that pain. I like to draw when I'm not feeling good. I like to talk to friends. You gotta find ways that works for you.

I'm sorry for all the abuse/neglect. No child deserves that.
I'm had a good day. My son is at a sleepover that has me tied in knots. Other than that all is well.

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today i had a lot of hallucinations that other people pointed out to me. if its just me, and i can figure out if its a hallucination, then its ok.
for some reason, when other people point out something that I think is there, actually isnt, it makes me so upset.
i feel like my secrets have been exposed.
i feel like things i was supposed to keep private, now everybody knows.
i feel like theyre peering into my mind and saying "well now everybody can know what you see and think and feel"
like, exposing my inner thoughts

I feel the same way when that happens, almost like I'm caught, or trapped.

thorazine abilify alprazolam gabapentin temazepam sarcosine l-theanine

I'm too far behind to figure out what everyone is talking about.

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Lol, I think in the most recent posts we're seeing how the abuse of having so much of life being exposed by some sort of boundaries destroying, is in it's way like having your privacy completely ripped away, with all the suspected torment, it's almost like having your inner and outer past/life is almost as bad as having body parts ripped away. Sorry, I can't seem to organize my thoughts well.