Roll Call 144

I understand this. Something broke in my apartment last year and I had to call maintenance. I put it off for two months because I was so anxious. I called and he came and fixed it in like 5 minutes then left. I was so relieved.

Then I had an issue a couple years ago where half my ceiling had to be replaced due to a leak and water damage, it ended up taking like a few months of the summer. It was so horrible for me , I pretty much stayed out from the morning till around 6 pm every single day because I was too scared to be there and I knew their work shift ended then. I don't like people being in my apartment, even people I know. I don't even like people knocking on my door.

Anyway, I had to call yesterday for something minor and I had some hesitation but I just did it and the problem was taken care of right then.

I think my fear is people judging me or thinking I don't clean enough and getting me evicted. My place is very organized and clean. It's an irrational fear, but I think it comes from growing up being homeless most of the time, so I have a massive fear of being evicted even if there's no actual reason I would be.

Hey everyone. How are things going today?

I'm good. My wife and I just changed our registered partnership (legally very similar to marriage in Finland) to a marriage. We are fully married now. I took her surname in marriage, and applied separately for adding a second Finnish name to my given names. To say today was a big day is an understatement. Now I get to worry about changing all my records to my new name.


What's everyone up to?

I'm really worried about being evicted as well.

My apartment isn't super clean but it's not a mess either, certainly not enough t get me evicted.

I'm just paranoid I guess

Hey

I applied for a job as a remote services technician for a website. Remote work at home job. I have an interview tomorrow.

I also talked to a lady about purchasing a home cuz we want a home after this most likely.

I also am trying to get this other job straightened out with doordash so i can finish their application.

Also ive been taking care of xena and the other pets round the the clock.

Lots to do.

The whole day slipped away. I basically did nothing. I tried to read several times but couldn't concentrate. I got caught up in some kind of bizarre delusion for a half the day, I just realized that the person I thought I was talking to wasn't actually there

I'm a screw up as a person, as a Catholic, and as a student. I'm not being negative it's just the reality of things now. I don't know what happened

There's no future. There's no past. Beating hearts are all we have.

I did nothing today as well. I give up.

I think I should just give up. Wouldn't it be so much easier to give up?

Oh god I can't give up though.. curse me for never giving up.. It's so exhausting..

Thought it was bed time...not even close.
Snow tomorrow night into sat so my Saturday is shot. Now I’ll have to go out tomorrow. I hadn’t really planned on it. I’ve been looking forward to a day of crawling back into my bed with the dogs, a good book, and silence.

You’re not a screw up bluebird....I think what happened is you had to go off your AP so finding a new cocktail of meds that works as well should be a priority.

You seem not to have problems with Seroquel maybe they could safely increase the dose?

I am the screw up. I did drugs threw up then went to sleep. I didn't feel like going skiing today because of anhedonia.

BTW

I bought the “Mega Stuf” Oreos.
Totally overrated. They are bigger so there are less of them.
I think the line of cookie to cream ratio has been crossed and it’s not good. Too sweet not enough chocolate cookie. Because they are big they break when you bite into them and the cream oozes out.

I won’t buy them again.

I would defo buy them cuz of all that!!!’nnn

Ya'll trying to get diabetes. Count me in!

I actually like the thins, super tasty but small so you can eat twice as many.

Thats reminds me of a british comedy sketch show.

They said if youre dieting, cut cake in half, so you can have twice as much

Thank you. I feel like I'm going backwards in my life.. I withdrew from one of my classes because it was overwhelming me. I'm still technically taking 2, one I have a hard time even showing up to, the other is online and I can't get myself to focus to do the work so I'm not sure what's going to happen.. I had 3 semesters in a row where I got straight A's and showed up to all my classes. Now I'm here

Maybe.. I see my doctor in a few weeks. I'm scared because I feel like I'm slipping farther from reality, I realized all I ate today was some cereal in the early morning. It's like I don't even get hungry, I don't even remember to eat, it's different than the restricting. the whole day slipped away..I feel like I screwed up and it's my fault somehow.

I don't want to sleep but I don't want to be awake either. I want to just not be conscious. If I'm not conscious then things would be okay, I'm not saying I want to die, I don't. I just feel like I could get a break from things

This is exactly how I feel sometimes. You couldn't have explained it better..

I have been broadcasting this exact thing into the interwebs with no one that understands.. i think.. Maybe it's a mixed state idk

Edit: No sounds like something that I can't explain.. But I'll tell you, it's horrible to feel this way.. but I get over it somehow.. need to find spirituality..

Your soul is screaming inside

Drinking Turkish coffee. I hope I don't get heart palps =]

On the Vyvanse I only need to take one atenolol a day instead of two on Concerta..

Did you know Oreos are vegan alone with Doritos flavor Sweet Chili? I thought that was interesting...

Um it’s night? That stuff is strong....

I sleep at 1-2am. I work for my last few shifts at 2pm

had two cups of coffee at 9pm. Not the best idea. But I kinda want to stay up all night

I can't pull all nighters anymore like I used to or my heart rate increases. When I sleep, my heart rate goes down to 40-50bpm. I guess it needs to do that for me to be healthy..