Roll Call 167 :)

Morning

My brain feels a bit fired up. Probably because I had a slight deep convo with my friend on text this morning. It always seems like engaging in deep conversation in the morning gets my brain going strong.

I’m tired. I don’t particularly want coffee. I feel anxiety building slowly. I wanna lay down, already. I did wake up at 6am tho about.

They usually happen when you withdraw from antidepressants........

Yeah the problem is I haven;t been withdrawing from any antidepressants, lol. I guess it could be because of going down on Abilify, but I kind of doubt it. Also have like a splitting headache.

My skin is itching. It’s either from showering everyday and my skin is dry, or I need to wash my current lounge clothes. I haven’t in a month, about. We don’t have a W/D here and the complex laundromat is closed.

I think I need to quit buying these cheap games on the Nintendo eShop. Like the .99 cent and few dollar ones. They suck so bad.

I am really bad about things like that. Like I'll buy apps and subscriptions I don't need on my iPhone all the time.

I recently decided to keep a handwritten journal of all the purchases I'm making though. So I have to write it in the journal physically if I buy something. Then I have to categorize it as 1 Need, 2 Want, 3 Culture, and 4 Unexpected or Emergency things.

Yeah ability modulates ADs so it could be it....

Finally got outside!

Nice!......

I'm really struggling with anhedonia, and I don't have an outlet, an escape to feel something. I keep reminding myself to turn on music, even thought it doesn't help. I really miss alcohol, even though it only gave me the mildest pleasure, i wouldn't even say pleasure, I'd say it make me conscious of some inkling of emotion that one needs to live and function besides anxiety and frustration.

I can't resort to drugs or alcohol. Music is helping really. PC Games? I can't think of any "great" games that are moving right now but I'll look later. The book i have been reading is in the right direction, on romanticism, mystery and wonder.

Writing seems to be the one of the things that help my escape but I'm not going to write stories like the one i just wrote every few months. So i need to keep on reading and expanding my horizon which takes months of preparation honestly. I literally have books and essays to read for each short book I write.

Regarding my dad who also has schizophrenia, i'm debating whether to give him copies of two of my short stories, because he has paranoia like me, and he might think my stories are about him, when they aren't, and I don't want that to stress him out. I just think he'd find them interesting, especially considering we are both lonely people.

I often have trouble finding things to do for pure enjoyment. A lot of the time I'll just do intellectual tasks. I suppose those can be enjoyable. I look for meaningful stuff to do. I think those kinds of things make me happy. I don't generally just do things for enjoyment's sake only. I mean, maybe I'm just a sqaure or something, but I think life is about doing meaningful projects. It's not always easy to bring about meaningfu projects. But that's really what gives me happiness, peersonally.

I struggle ith this a lot, too. Don't know the answer. I try to take action rather than just sitting around. Seems like if I do something sometimes I feel a little better.

So I used my new pizza stone yesterday, the pizza came out great, nice and crispy.

Realized I never used those new nail polishes I bought awhile back, maybe I'll paint my nails this week. Or tonight. I'm making a list of cosmetics to get so I can start learning how to do my makeup properly.

Sounds like fun!

I know this sounds weird, but since I’ve been having paranoia again about COVID, I been getting these cold chest pain feelings. Like my chest is cold and it hurts.

I also have a huge hole in the center of my hoodie cuz my dog chewed it.

Idk what’s going on but yea.

You know what I haven’t worked on in months?

My sketchbook project.

You should start working on it when you have some time I've been trying to get myself back into sketching, I haven't done any art in awhile

Enjoying this book about mindfulness for bipolar disorder. I've always found mindfulness very helpful. It's interesting reading the science behind it too.

I’ve been putting of tons and tons of things since I lost my job in March.

I think i might have been hypomanic before march, but I told my therapist that between covid, losing my job, and the race stuff, I’ve been on such a low. Like so far down low. I’d rather not even say how bad I’ve been or was. My recent poetry even speaks to how low I’ve been.

Only past few days I’ve been picking up slight speed with getting things done again. Smoked a couple of cigarettes. Ugh I know.

Fiancé and I had one of the biggest fights we’ve ever had last night and I had a cigarette. From him. I don’t have any of my own.

Weirdly or surprisingly, IMO, we seem to be doing ok today. I told him things I haven’t told him about what I been dealing with since March and some things about my past. I opened up about my fear of men and specifically my fear of white men. After we fought with yelling for straight 30-45 min, we both had a cigarette and I did some post-crying.

we’ve never fought like that before. Most of our “fighting” is very passive, at least on his part. I have a good feeling that my mental health is affecting our relationship. I mean since I told him what was in my thoughts about that, and hearing it back to myself I started to realize that it’s not just him, it’s largely me. Not only that but this is the same stuff I fought my dad over when I was living with him. I have abandonment issues, but more like because I wasn’t spent time with as a kid like barely at all. My mom actively ignored me. So when people don’t spend time with me I feel like they don’t like me/love me. That’s why I think I call people so much. On the phone. I need to know they are still there for me. That and getting upset when people don’t want to hang out. I feel Ike I’m being abandoned.

My dad worked 3 jobs and my mom drank all the time. It’s a good thing I didn’t move out from his house solely based on wanting to spend more time with someone. I moved out for so many reasons, mostly my personal reasons for learning how to live independently.

But at this point, I need to address that in therapy.

Speaking of anhedonia, I'm feeling a little anhedonic and emotionless.

I'm so confused about these diagnoses and chemicals, the world, myself. I'm really confused.

But I think about all the good things that people have said to me, my good times etc..

I tried to play a song on guitar today and I got impatient - So I took a vyvanse and extra phenibut. It didn't work this time.

Neuroplasticity is very cool.

Anyway, I painted my nails

It will turn around, Des. Hang in there.

That reminds me. My animal crossing villagers gave me a nickname. They call me Motor. Lmao. Cuz I’m always running around the place. Apparently anyone who has the game gets a nickname but it’s different from person to person (the player).

It is impossible to find a bakery or diner that makes banana cream pies now.......and they are one of the more difficult pies to make unless you go the jello pudding mix route.....