Roll Call 174

That's an interesting tip! I have the 10mgs instead of the 5mgs so it just might work cutting it in half. This is what I'll do:

I'll take 7.5mgs of remeron and restoril. Stay up for 30 minute. Then go to bed, and ret my head for 30 minutes, then break my ambien in half so i just take 5mgs of of it. I'll eventually wake back up at 430 ish and take it right away.

I have to try it. This might be the solution!

EDIT: I'll have a glass of water by my bed for when I take it when i wake up as well.

I'm gonna try taking a walk tomorrow after I go grocery shopping. Did some yoga today, trying to make that a daily thing

Good luck!

Since they changed my zopiclone from 7.5mg to 3.75mg every night and I have 34x 7.5mg pills left and 30x 3.75mg pills, I would like to take 7.5mg of zopiclone for a month or so because I don't want to withdraw from zopiclone on top of the other GABA drugs (Xanax and phenibut)..

But I have to take as prescribed right? I'll call my doctor tomorrow about it - It may prevent panic.

Man, you know you're out of shape when making your bed feels like a workout

Making a bed is just frustrating in general. It always has been for me. I make my bed every morning though - I used to hate it and never did it. I used to work partially in housekeeping and making beds all day long is quite a work out.

Yeah I find it very frustrating too. I don't make mine every morning but I should get in the habit of doing that. I just put some fresh sheets and pillow cases on

came home from php early and took a 3 hour nap

@Blue_Bird Oh folding laundry is the worst for me.

There's too much chaos in this house. I wish my mom wasn't so dramatic and would quit drinking wine.

I felt much safer in the hospital.

My mom is going literally crazy dramatic because of taking grad pictures with my sister and their friends which is understandable but annoying as hell for even my sister and not good for my panic - But I brought the bottle of clonazepam with me to the lake - I didn't take any.

She always does this on a full moon - It's apart of her histrionic personality or the full moon actually does affect people idk..

I'm back home now. My sister and her friend are going to go out partying. If I did that, I'd have a panic attack for sure.

Still I'm doing good - I think if I can make it past 8pm after an evening "mind rest", I won't get a panic attack.

Took the 10mg olanzepine pill. I actually want to be a zombify myself right now and wait until it's time to sleep.

Hurt my knee somehow, walking. Maybe my weight puts pressure on my knees. I shouldn’t be hurting my knees simply walking. Oh well. I was supposed to get tires for my car. I don’t think I can now. My parents are gonna be so upset.

My mom offered to buy me new tires and then called me asking me why I was sending her a bunch of messages about tires, blowing up her phone. I only sent her 2 messages about the cost of a certain tire. Then she said she will only buy 2 and asked me to ask my dad about paying for the other 2. I was very upset to involve my dad but I told my mom she needs to be upfront about what she’s offering to do for me. She said “well I showed you the promotion for buy 2 get 2 free”. I said “you need to be upfront. You just told me not to assume you were gonna get me a whole set but I cannot tell what you are offering by you showing me a promotion on a item”.

Makes me very upset. This is how she locks me into shyt I can’t get out of because I can use my car without new tires now, so I gotta take the help...

I cried and cried about it only because my dad had to get involved. I told him I was sorry and also sorry about crying on the phone. He said “it’s fine but you need to get your head together”.

This is always what it is. My moms issues. And then I’m pressured into being at the top of my game 24/7 by my dad. By game I mean the game of life... doing things I need to do/should do.

This is why I subconsciously get upset at fiancé for playing video games so much. I inadvertently pressure him to do something productive 24/7. Just like I have been pressured to do. I’ve never been taught that relaxing is ok. He has. But it has given me great worth ethic. ... ... ...but I’m terribly sick from pushing myself over and over. He tells me I need to relax and not always work and write constantly or quit researching things etc. but I can’t. I can’t for the life of me.

TL;DR: My mom shortsighted me and pushed me into a situation with buying some tires for my car. Now my dad is involved financially and I feel guilty. Also, I’m a workhorse and I can’t stop being one but I’m making myself mentally unhealthy pushing myself to work, cuz I’ve never been taught to relax

Yay I’m getting a switch! My dad found one and is shipping it!

Yaaayayaaaayay!

I was told that I couldn't relax either. I spent my time on depression chats when I could.

Happy 10:15am!!!

I'll take the Vyvanse at 10:30am..

The half zopiclone (3.75mg) worked for sleep. It was kind of hard to fall back asleep at around ~4am but I managed to do it.

I think I gotta tell T on Saturday that I'm stuck. I'm stuck and I'm tired of pushing through which is what it feels like I'm doing and I just want to disengage from everything and everyone and go back to bad coping mechanisms. I feel like I'm going to relapse or fall apart or maybe both. This is bad timing as my parents are going away this weekend. I need to keep it together this weekend. But I'm exhausted to the bone of just pushing through. I need someone to carry me for a while. I feel like my nephew must have felt like after a long day at Disneyland where he sat his butt down on the ground and did not want to move. I couldn't carry him because we already had his little brother to carry and the packages and everyone's stuff so he had to walk. I was like, "Honey, I'm so sorry but you have to get up and walk to the tram. You have to. I can't carry you." But when we drove home I carried him from the car to the bed because he was just done. That's how I am: done. Except it hasn't been a fun old day at Disneyland. I know I need to text my support people but I'm tired of doing that too. I just want to **** up. And then have to deal with the fall out even if it means hospitalization. But I know that's just part of me talking because I really don't want to be hospitalized so I have to have to have to pull it together. **** it!

I kept having dreams last night about being in a car accident. I wonder if those were relapse dreams. Like the aftermath of a relapse of SH.

I'm so sorry you're struggling Kit, I wish I could help

OMG YAYYYYYYYYYY this is the best news!

SK....so sorry you’re feeling this way.....what would help? Ps wish i could help carry you for a bit, can your parents or friends help if you reached out?

Getting Animal crossing first....maybe I can visit your island?

I reached out to my support ladies and one of them is texting with me, the others have prayed for me. My parents are going to a doctor appointment at a University Hospital today so I can't really go to them for help right now. I did text my T though so I am waiting for her to get back to me. She's probably in session so I just have to be patient. If it gets worse I might call a hotline. Thanks SP and BB. Kit

Went grocery shopping. Bought a lot of good stuff. Including cheesecake, tiramisu, and that blueberry lemon goat cheese I like so much

The rest was milk, grape tomatoes, bananas, turkey sausage, frozen salmon filets, bacon, eggs, canned vegetables, and I think that's it. Also a box of refill pads for my swiffer wetjet mop. And another reusable tote bag.

Yes definitely, I'll have to get Nintendo Online subscription first but once I do I'll let you know and you can come visit. I've only put 20 hours into my island so far so I'm still just beginning and there's not much to see but it would be cool to have a visitor

I have some very nice neighbors. 2 of them talked to me today. One on the way out and another person as I was coming back from my grocery trip. Made my day