Roll Call 188

I'm lucky. My Dad loves all animals. He does love showing me his wounds from my cat though! Ironically she bites him the most. She will bite me occasionally but with my Dad it's like an every day thing. He refuses to "thump" her on the behind with a flick of his finger and tell her "NO!" so she gets away with it.

HUGS Desoxyn!

UGH. That's the worst. Here's hoping you get a good 10 minute visit though. At my last Pdoc appointment I couldn't get him to shut up. The appointments are 25 minutes but he is cash pay only. Sigh. But he was Mr. Chatty.

I loved my pdoc at the chc I used to go to but my friend started coming in with me on my appointments. I was refusing to go see him, and that's how I ended up here at the nursing home.

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I need to get off these ****ing meds. They're probably killing me anyway

Between my eating habits, all the APs my cholesterol is probably even higher than it used to be

I’m going grocery shopping tomorrow after my appointment. I need to get a bunch of healthy food. All healthy food

I had a nightmare about my moms death last night and was crying in my sleep

I'm sorry

Maybe I'll feel a little relief once I get my annual physical tomorrow and am reassured that I'm not being poisoned by my meds

I honestly need to take my klonopin a little more frequently. I mean I'm prescribed to take it as needed up to 2 times a day. I will never take it that much simply because I don't want to get addicted and/or build a tolerance but I guess I could try taking it when I start freaking out and panicking once in awhile instead of not taking it for 50 days at a time and suffering through panic attacks and paranoia

I need to start taking better care of myself

I was gonna say, you can take one every couple of days or a week no prollem..

SP! The animal crossing update came out early, it just released tonight, my game is updating right now!!! It wasn't supposed to come out till Friday but they released it a bit early

I lied down. For two hours. Just thinking.. Constant, constant thinking.. Flashing images of memories, feeling, conceptualizations in my head, replayed/changed conversations, fantasy, contemplating, analyzing, day dreaming..

And then I don't remember what it was all about. But I like doing this. Open awareness meditation.

Most meditation is focused meditation.. But I hate focusing on my breath because I don't feel the connection or not awake enough.. Probably cuz of antipsychotics. It's the feeling you get from playing a game. I just can't do it anymore.

I noticed that I always feel like I'll run out of thoughts when meditating openly (But more focused on the moment of them, judging more which is very stimulating. It's like chasing growing connections - But being the connections.) - But when I focus on the breath, I'm more aware that it's never ending (But I miss comprehension of each thought and judge less so it's more calming)

"Open monitoring meditation helped to create a state that promotes divergent thinking which helps with the generation of new ideas".

There's not much information about it online.

God idk what I'm saying

I should just say that my life is and has been good. Cuz why make it so complicated.

No one will figure it all out - Not for me. I won't.

RIP

Edit: "In short, Samatha meditation is focused on calming the mind, whilst Vipassana meditation is focused on insight or clearing the mind. For the purposes of most people seeking to get into meditation we consider Vipassana to be the meditation of choice that is going to deliver them the results they want."

Hugs, BB.

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I found out how to get the three navigation buttons on the bottom of the screen to come back and I'm really happy. Android 11 isn't so bad now. But they'll update it to Android 12 soon I guess.

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Heading out to my appointment for my physical in a couple hours

My appointment went well. My blood pressure was 126/66. Heart rate was high but that’s from anxiety and my meds. He prescribed this topical stuff to help with some possible nerve damage on my upper thigh I’ve had since I stopped cutting (self harm) over 10 years ago. It’s been an issue for awhile but I never brought it up to anyone because I figured there’s no point. Basically it goes numb if I’m even standing for 1 minute. I have to constantly be moving. And I can’t lay on my back to sleep because it goes numb then too so I have to lay on my sides. I also asked to be tested for diabetes since it runs in my family and the meds I’m on increasing the risk. So he put in some orders for blood work (to test diabetes, cholesterol, iron, and thyroid). So I’ll be going to get that done hopefully next week. And he put in a referral for me to see a female OBGYN for my Pap test since I wanted a female to do it.

Anyway, it went well. He asked me how playing the ukulele is going and we talked about instruments for a minute.

He did a physical exam and everything seems to be fine.

He’s a good doctor, I’m glad I have him

I went grocery shopping, this is what I got

- [x] Fat free plain Greek yogurt
- [x] Bagel thins
- [x] Butter
- [x] Fat free cream cheese x2
- [x] Fat free milk
- [x] Deli turkey
- [x] Chicken breasts
-[x] chicken drumsticks
- [x] Canned pumpkin x2
- [x] Chocolate chips
- [x] Maple syrup
- [x] Wheat tortillas
- [x] Light Italian dressing
- [x] Sweet potatoes x2
- [x] Hummus
- [x] Cucumber
- [x] Shredded carrots
- [x] Avocado x2
- [x] Salads /spinach x2 bags
- [x] Bananas x2 sets

And also some spicy guacamole.

I plan on making veggie hummus wraps.

I’m happy to have chicken in the freezer. I was worried there wouldn’t be any in the grocery store due to the shortages/shipping problems, but there was a ton. I like making crockpot meals w/ chicken.

I made a fairly reasonable meal plan for the next week and a half. Hopefully I can stick to it and get myself to actually eat the food

My apartment case manager just called me, she said there's people that are going to be here tomorrow that are giving away free tablets for people on SSI/Medicaid! So I'll be going down tomorrow morning and getting one

Awesome!!!!!

I called the insurance company to see if IOP gets extended into December what my copay will be (because my insurance resets in December. Currently I have met my out of pocket maximum for the year but in December I have to start all over again). Anyway, the copay for IOP is zero! I also asked for what the copay is for PHP (just to know) and it is also zero! So I am good whether IOP ends in November or December. So far my insurance has been really good about extending the days but IDK how much longer that they are going to do that. I guess they haven't really been giving the case manager a problem though. The insurance lady was super nice too. She even showed me where I could look it up online.

We are going to have Italian food for our work Christmas party! I invited a friend of mine (a male friend) from Church to go with me. We don't know each other super well, but I have a secret crush on him. So far he said he will go but I am not getting my hopes up in case he backs out.

Super cool!

We are also having a Thanksgiving luncheon. It is potluck style. I am bringing Bavarian cream which is a pineapple, gelatin, whipped cream concoction. I brought it last year for our Christmas potluck and my boss liked it so much that he asked for it again for Thanksgiving. I am also thinking about making some Ethiopian Dabo bread but I might make that the week before when my big boss is here from NY so she can try it.

I hope your Christmas party with your friend goes well SlumberKitty! And I hope you have a fun Thanksgiving luncheon