Roll Call 200

3 weeks of feel good

Hopefully will be like this all summer (Sometimes random struggles but for only an hour or two).

I get severe winter depression..

Nvm, I had negative thought spiral, but I get to sit in the van now + Internet.. Sort of fun (With all of my battery chargers, ket etc). It's good.




It's a sunny day too - I went for a walk with my mom yesterday. I felt like she was judging me.. In the end, I couldn't take it - Sitting by the river.

Then she reminded me that she likes my company, etc.. Otherwise she'd be on this work trip alone. I took olanzepine and benzo, felt much better, had a good sleep.

It's a real struggle. Idk why everyone else knows that this world is infinite, but doesn't care or are not bothered. Maybe cuz trauma activates all of the existential questions.. I should research philosophy more.. Then again, I'm interested in everything. But the DPDR panic attacks, really changed me - For the better (When I'm good) and makes me even worse than before (When I feel deranged/disturbed etc).

I could paste hundreds of ChatGPT screenshots. Even though it says "I'm not a therapist", it's been the most helpful therapist.

I don't recommend though - You don't want to be like me.

Everyone on Roll Call is doing things =[

I can't do things...

I stay here and cry (No jk.. I just.. get enough, lol)

Too many things..

I wish I had friends IRL. I miss my dad. And sister.

Autist friend is on amphetamine paste again.

I wish I was rich. Then I'd be on a boat in the sun, doing things like John McAfee.. I'd figure out a way to help the world, in that realm..

Find secret CIA documents or something. I wonder if I'm a threat even now, by just being curious about all of these things.

I feel like I'm on "outpatient suicide watch" right now. My "peer specialist" checks in on me for like two hours every day now and someone from the ACT team calls periodically and wants me to call them back periodically throughout the night. These people just want intel on your neurons. They want to steal your thoughts because your gifted and destined to be a winner and they're not, so they think your thoughts and keep you from even knowing they existed until they say something and suddenly you're like "hey, that was my thought first!" Voluntary was brought up twice today, but they said if I refused they wouldn't IEA me. Good thing my "peer specialist" hasn't seen my clean and sober in like three weeks.

Feeling fine right now. Went through all the emotions at 100+% over the day. Sat in a basement to a house that doesn't exist. Tried leaving a message at my GPs office over my stomach meds, didn't get a call back. I haven't been purging much so I don't think missing a week of the meds will mislead me to unhealth. I've been learning about anesthesiology because that's what youtube wanted me too learn about. Must be a sign. I don't think I could make it through med school so I must be getting surgery soon.

Hugs muddy, hope things get better soon.

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I’m feeling ok but still feel people are talking about me at work….

Doing good! Had fun at the football game last night.

At the gym now. Almost done.

Here’s a gym selfie:



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Sorry SP, I struggle with this a lot everywhere I go I feel like people are talking about me, whispering and laughing at me. I’m trying to work on it with my therapist, if anything we talk about or any therapy stuff helps me I’ll let you know some tips.

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I like both your shirt and leggings Cogladaid
I’ve been looking for some galaxy type leggings for awhile, more purplish though, I’m probably getting some soon.

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I’m back on metformin my psychiatrist prescribed to help with the AP related weight gain. Hoping it helps with my weight. It has in the past, when in combo with eating balanced and exercising. Since diabetes or pre-diabetes isn’t something I have (that was ruled out with bloodwork and my blood sugar is fine, not too low or too high) it’s safe to take, the throwing up regularly the past year was more than likely from anxiety since my bloodwork was basically perfect.

Anyway, I’ve been back on it for about 4 days now. Not having any problems with it.

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Had my injection today, got an emergency appt with the pdoc. Some med changes. She told me to stop being a slut for the next eight days.

Mango spinach smoothie I made

It’s so weird the random things that will improve my mood. Like today I could not get out of bed most of the day and none of the self care type coping stuff was helping with my mood which was really low. Well I randomly got a craving for a smoothie so I made one and was so happy with how it looked and it tasted amazing and was super refreshing especially since it’s hot today, idk it just improved my mood quite a bit lol

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Also I cut caffeine out, so I have had none today. And don’t plan on having any until I go to a diner with my sister next Sunday for brunch. So my mood will probably be low somewhat for the next week since my body is used to tons of caffeine and I’m having none now. Except on special occasions.

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I have one a day…

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I can’t moderate myself if I have coffee in the house, one always turns into like 6 or 7

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I wish I could fast forward to Christmas, I always feel so excited and I’m a really high mood around the holidays, baking etc I hate summer. I always feel like crap in the summer

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I don’t like winter. It gets snowy and like -40. Around Christmas time is nice, but when it gets into January I’m just blah.

I like spring-summer-fall. Going out for walks with the dogs. The sunshine.

My mood gets low during the winter all shut in at home.

I need to get out of the house a lot.

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I understand that. I think it’s different for everyone e.

I need to get out a lot too but I can’t deal with the heat. And the people, there’s too many of them, too many cars, noises, people , bright sunlight. It’s just overwhelming to me and makes my anxiety and dissociation bad. I don’t deal well with it. I do better in fall and winter when I can go out without getting overwhelmed by the chaos around me

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I’m listening to Christmas music now. Going to a diner with my sister next Sunday (Dennys) to have brunch. So that should be nice. I’m not sure what food I’m getting. I’m thinking some kind of pancakes. And coffee.

I’m currently saving money towards going back to college. I need to save $250. In order to register for spring (January) $222 for what I owe and about $35 for a new student ID card. I keep debating on whether or not to go back but I think it would be good for me. I should have enough saved by august.

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Tonight I was watching TV and looking at this website with workout plans. Searched through a bunch of workouts to get ideas. Going to follow this eight week plan to build strength.

I mean, I want to do it. But it’s going to be hard because the gym I go to closes next week so I’ll have to find another gym.

I’ve checked out a couple gyms but I gotta decide on one. One of them is moving to another location and opening July 9th. One doesn’t have a squat rack. One does have everything I need but it’s smaller. And one is perfect but further away.

The one I want to go to the most is the furthest away. So I’m a little sad because travel time will be a pain.

I’m really wanting to build strength. Powerlifting strength.

I’ve become a total gym rat again. I got into exercising and then the gym years ago when I was suffering from anorexia and wanted to use it as a tool to lose weight. I transformed that after a while into strength training.

I lost a bunch of strength by not going to the gym during COVID. I’m quickly regaining it, and I want to get even better.

Like precovid —> now

Deadlift 260lb —> 185lb
Bench press 160lb —> 90lb
Leg press 550lb —> 315lb
Back row 120lb —> 90lb
Bicep curl 40lb —> 30lb
Overhead press 90lb —> 60lb

So I’m not toooo bad. Even in the last two months I’ve noticed that my strength is improving. I started focusing more on protein intake and also taking some good simple supplements to help promote muscle recovery and growth and I notice it’s all helping.

Anyway, I could talk about it all day. Most people don’t really care so I feel self conscious when I start getting on a roll talking about it.

Edit: ugh now I’m sad because I have a busy day tomorrow and might not be able to go to the gym. Got chiropractor, massage, and going to the local fair for rides.

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Why must this be a symptom! People weren't talking about me at work (Last year) but I felt like they were - So that means that it was real!

Hugs though

DP/DR is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me. It destroyed me.

I feel like death is soon. I give up. I will die one night while trying to sleep. My story will be left in my notes, and my song playlists.

I tried. I really really tried.

Only now... My mom checks, to ask if I'm okay (Regularly). So I'm grateful for that. Even though she caused all of this. It's all because she feels guilty. She didn't kick me out, but I had to threaten suicide (With legit suicidal thoughts), when I wanted to quit my welding job (Cuz everyone never wanted to teach me - They just wanted me to do mindless stuff, again. Just like the mechanics job - They didn't want to teach me, cuz I was too young).

I wanted to make as much money, as fast as possible. If only people didn't get in my way, and judge me. I had unlimited motivation (At that time).

My mom got really mad and frustrated that I was suicidal. She didn't even raise me. All she cared about was about stupid things, cuz she's a control freak *****. And she wanted to compete with my dad. She got what she wanted.

She's alone. And I should leave. But I can't even comprehend, or work full time. And for what? I'd make pennies, not able to afford **** all.

So there's a sweet part of life, that I should just let go of the past, the OCD thoughts, adjust the convictions. But I'm so beaten and wronged. I've had learned helplessness and disappointment, whole life.

In 2020? With the parties.. that was nonsense.. I threatened a guy with a plastic shovel. And wanted to knock out my moms last ex (If he came out of the door - But he didn't). I had great times, it's a matter of perspective I guess. I'll feel better.. But I blocked the autistic speed addict friend. We talked every day for over a year (Sometimes all day).

But she/he brought up his looks, and since the start, I said I didn't want sex. But she's a complete weirdo - And my mom is listening to propaganda on Netflix in the background, about gender. I can't stand it. I don't know whether or what is politically correct, I just don't want to be grinded in this machine.

The conspiracies - People warn me, others agree.. What with schizophrenia is the CIA doing... What about the people complaining about "Gangstalkers". In the Truman Show I am. And it's interdimensional. All I need to do is learn, but the information is at warp speed. I wish I didn't care.

I care so much, and was thrown into this shape shifting, geometric patterned mess. And what is love? During the trip, I said "Love is fake" over and over, and had millions of thoughts (Per second - I swear to God. It was neurons, connecting so fast, and so complex/dynamic, that the feelings, intuition, hell, supernovae .. Just.. idk). I need rest.

Maybe I need to lower the stimulant - But I was feeling happy and good for 3 weeks. I'm just scared of hypnotic heart palps. They put me down more than anything that I can imagine.

Anyway, enough of a rant for now..