again

I dont know how to stop this. When I get overwhelmed that is what I do. If I could just put some kind of thought between me and cutting. I had a disappointing thing happen to me today, it was a major trigger, but I could have not cut but I did. I do it in some kind of fog and it is a while before I realize that I could have not done it and I feel like a miserable failure. I just keep f***ing up. My feelings overwhelm me and I cant take it.

How can other people just be disappointed and sad and not SI. I want to be like them.

I am sorry that you feel like a failure. I see you as a person who is really struggling and who really wants to feel better and who is trying really hard.

It seems like I am trying but it doesnt work. In this past session my t said to me "are you really trying?" She doesnt think Im trying. I said, I think Im trying sometimes and sometimes I give up. I have moments when I try and try and cant get it right with food, my feelings and then SI and then I just give up and fel sui. And then I cant swim up out of it. I want a specail t like eveyone else has but I cant tell my t what made me so upset today. You know? I havent told her Im trying to find another t. I want that relationship with a t that cares and she doesnt seem to care that I keep cancelling appts. If I were her and I had a pt like me who kept cancelling it would make me wonder.

I dont feel cared for

And I want to cut....

..........

Sannah- I have wondered how she can say something to me that makes me feel so bad about myself. It wouldmake me feel so much better if she could just acknowledge that I am doing something to try. She believes Im not trying hard enough and still doing the behviors that keep me unhappy. What I think she doesnt get is that if I could I would. She believes I hve so much control over it all. She has said that to me.

I dont know how to find the right help. I really dont trust myself to make this decision no matter how many t's I interview. I wish someone else could interview the t's and make a decsion. I could make another mistake.

I dont feel like she cares for me and I do feel not worthy of care- that is exactly how I feel and it makes me want to cut just to write it here. That must be a trigger b/c when I feel it I want to hurt myself. I believe everyone else on PC deserves care fron their therapists but who would want to take care of me? I should be ignored. makes me want to cry.

I think that past feelings are being triggered up for you. Your T is triggering it up but your feelings are mostly from a past time I'll bet. Your T sounds like she has no idea why people SI and that is why she cannot be helpful. Also, it sounds like she cannot really show that she cares because she is unable to get close to her clients. These are her issues. Her inability has nothing to do with you. I think that you are learning and what can you do but try? (Concerning trying to find a new T).

I think you are right. It is my past feelings. My t doesnt know what to do with me. And she cannot get close to her clients. At least not to me. If I dont feel, after 1 yr 5 mos that I can call her in a crisis, then something is wrong. I will always blame myself. And in a way, that protects me, too. If I see her as flawed, then who will help and protect me? Someone so flawed?

All of this is scary- but I did not cut tonight. Just this morning. I'll keep trying.....

It's not yourself, it is your ILLNESS which you may not be able to see but it is there, just like a physical illness, do not be hard on yourself

What kinds of things happened in your past? I had a terrible past but the more I deal with it in my own way, the more I heal Dealing with it in my own way involves sharing with a T YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH, true friends, possible family, writing it out in a journal form, expressing it visually through artwork, also sharing right here on this website is WONDERFUL...I have posted in survivors of aubse forum and it is great..

Can you get a new T- 1 that you feel comfrotable with- this is your RIGHT to proper treatment and healing, do not be afraid to stick up for yourself

[quote=Junerain;1140640]It's not yourself, it is your ILLNESS which you may not be able to see but it is there, just like a physical illness, do not be hard on yourself[quote]

That is a gentle way of lookinjg at it. My t has told me its a "juvenile" way of coping. But it hasnt stopped me. It seems like a rough approach. If I see it as an illness, then I feel less judged.

I think my past has taught me to not trust myself, not like myself and that I am not a worthy person. And at any minute I can be abandoned. Everything feels like an abandonment. I am looking for a new t who I feel comfortable with but its a difficult search that takes a long time. I need help now and am afraid of some of the things my t says b/c it affects me negatively. I had a nice lunch today with friends and although I didnt specifically talk about SI we did talk about t's. I havent ever posted on survivpors of abuse. I usually go to the psychotherapy forum. And soem times to the medication forum. I used to paint and do photography. But I dont anymore. It would be nice to get back into that.

I am interviewing t's. I have 2 appts next week. And am wating for a 3rd one to call me back.
Thanks Junerain- I am slowly learning which are things I should stick up for. I didnt know this t wasnt good for me (tho I had my suspicions) until recently.

Your explanation above makes me think that this is the way children must think in bad home situations (and you must have acquired this way of thinking in childhood). Children need their parents to take care of them so they need to see them as capable. If their parent is flawed who will take care of them properly. What a great explanation you have just provided.

I have heard it explained that people blame themselves because this gives them some power. They feel safer if they caused the problems because they have control over themselves. If someone else caused the problems they can't control that.

[quoteI have heard it explained that people blame themselves because this gives them some power. They feel safer if they caused the problems because they have control over themselves. If someone else caused the problems they can't control that. [/quote]

That fits too. If I give myself the power to have been to blame, then I can fix it. But the sad thing is that I could not fix it.
So maybe both are ture- I could fix it if I was to blame and it is more safe for it all to be my fault than the fault of someone I am supposed to depend on. If it is the fault of my mother, then who can I trust? Who will take care of me? That would be scarier than anything else.

BUt childhood is over and now I can get help from someone I can trust to help me fix it. I am tryinjg to find that person.

I put the trigger icon on here, just in case.

Bluemoon, I don't know much of anything about SI, but I'm so sorry to hear that you're having such a difficult time.

Have you thought about identifying just what is is you're feeling when you self-injure? Is there a momentary gain or escape? Maybe there is something else you can do instead?

You will find your special therapist, Bluemoon.

Thanks Brightheart. I always forget the trigger thing. There are certain things that make my mind immediately go to cutting. It a desperate lonely and abandoned and unloved feeling. Feeling rejected in the worst way. My h can easily bring these feelings on for me. I had not cut in a really long time and then about 1 yr ago I started up again (and now its an on and off problem) after a bad fight we had. And this past time when the therapist didnt show up for the appointment I had these feelings again and cut. But she didnt call me back and Im not feeling like that at all. Because I have had time to process it and talk about it and post and get all of this support and feedback. But I dont give myself that kind of time when I get the impulse to do it. And then if I dont do it the urge gets stronger and stronger.

I have to find my special therapist. I hope so. I hope so very very much.

I dont know whether to go my t on monday. Im afraid if I dont go I'll feel worse and alone. That is something I could SI over- I didnt go and Im alone and abandoned. So- even if it isnt the greatest session, she does care about me and I feel it from her. I dont think I can afford (emotionally) not to go to therapy during the week.
Then tues and wed I have interview appts.