T reaction

What does your Ts say after you told them you cut yourself? Mine doesn't react at all. He says that he can't do anything about it. He also says he can't change my feelings and that I'll get tired of feeling this bad. Is this some sort of strategy to not draw attention to it? He also says that when I cut I do it for myself but I also do it for him.

Coconut, does your T actually help in any way to find alternative ways to cope that don't involve self-injury? If he doesn't, perhaps this is something you need to discuss with him. Or find another therapist who can help you with it, because sometimes T's don't know much about self injury and how to help their clients the best.

If he says he can't do anything about it, that for me raises BIG red flags about his ability to help as a therapist.

My previous Ts have all "reacted" to it in some way. None of them have ever asked to see the injuries, but I have been asked to agree to temporary contracts (which I am fine with) and have helped me to find other ways to cope.

Ultimately though, quitting self injury was mostly something I did myself, without therapeutic help.

He can't change your feelings, that IS right - but he can help you to change how you view self injury and figure out why you do it. Then help you find other ways to cope. You might not necessarily get tired of feeling this bad though -- I quit because I felt guilted into doing it by a friend, but then I relapsed and had to quit for myself.

What does this part mean exactly?? ??

My T has talked to me about finding other ways of SI that wont be so harmful or leave scars- like squeezing an ice cube in my fist for as long as possible or putting my forearms in a bowl of iced water until it hurts. Neither of things work for me, but at least I know he cares and is on my side, and is accepting of my coping mechanisms. He asks if it something I need to do at the moment in order to get through some of the things I am trying to deal with.

Like Christina, if I am particularly at risk, he emphasises the need for me to keep myself alive until next session otherwise he cant help me.

Of course t cant change the way you feel, but CAN help-that is his job!. He can be there to listen and help you find answers to what is keeping you feeling like the only option is to SI. Ts should come across this fairly routinly with patients, so I am surprised he doesnt sound like he is very supportive of you during this?

My t has always been very understanding and we try and work through what is causing the SI. While my t can't make me stop she can help me find less destructive coping skills and we can discuss the reasons why I am feeling the way I am. Maybe you can talk to your t about this more in detail and explain what would help you. I hope you can work something out.

BB

So you will get better just because you will get tired of feeling bad? If this were true everyone would get better without therapy. I also want to know why he would think that you would be doing it for him too???????

Well i always thought i'd made it clear to my T that i cut, but obviously i didn't because she found out via family and reacted really shocked and overly concerned and spouted contracts and this that and the other. I wasn't best pleased with this reaction since i believe i was honest with her, just wasn't graphic in any way and didn't mention it every single session. Now, she asks about it as and when it comes up but i think she's dropped the whole contract malarky because to be honest i didn't truly understand it and i never really do it to hurt myself, i do it to stay in control and that can be helpful sometimes (for me). She asks about it at times but only says she is concerned and then leaves it at that. I don't think she thinks she can change my feelings (just like your t) but she knows that the end goal is to for me to stop and have other coping mechanisms. She has never said to me that i'll get tired of feeling this bad, that is a truly horrific and invalidating thing to say, as if we choose it (so to speak)!! I think it is a bit much to say you cut both for you and for him....my therapist thought, at first, that i did it for the pain, but i explained i didn't - perhaps you should do the same. Educate your therapist about why you cut. And btw isn't it okay to cut for attention (not saying this is why you do it btw)? It really gets to me this whole 'oh so and so is just doing it for attention' - of course we are, we're in pain, anyone else in our situation would do the same thing. Why is attention such a bad, bad thing?! Totally frustrates and confuses me.

Thanks for everyone's replies, things are really bad between T and I. I don't think i will last much longer.

There is nothing wrong with wanting attention. Everyone needs attention. But the healthy way to get attention is to ask for it or get it through healthy means. Cutting yourself to get attention is manipulative if that is the reason you are doing it. (people have different reasons for cutting). That is why Ts often do not react to it. They don't want to give attention to it because that would only serve to reinforce the behavior. Basically, if you are cutting to get a concerned, worried, or caring response from T, then if T gives you that response then you will keep doing it. My T gives plenty of attention when I call her and ask her to help me to use skills to prevent cutting. If I cut, then I am not even allowed to call because I have already chosen the unhealthy coping instead of asking for help to find a better way.

I do it because I'm overwhelmed with feelings I don't know what to do with and T isn't helping. It brings some relief to my pain. I only told T after I did it not while I do it. It's not for attention.

I have never understood anyone here to ever do this scenario. The only time that I ever hear this scenario is from therapists................

I don't understand what you mean by that. Are you saying that no one here on this forum has ever called T asking for help to prevent SI? I guess I wasn't very clear in my post. It's part of DBT therapy, where you learn skills to use instead of self harm. It has helped me. I was trying to say there are other ways to get attention without hurting yourself. There's no shame in wanting or needing attention. Hope this makes sense.

My T would ask to see it when I first started to SI. Now, if I say I've done it again, she'll want to know why because I don't do it regularily. Mostly I would do it just to release whatever I was feeling, all the pent-up anger. I've relapsed a couple times, and T never told me she was disappointed in me. I know she is, though, which is a pretty good reason for me to find an alternative release.

"What does your Ts say after you told them you cut yourself? Mine doesn't react at all. He says that he can't do anything about it. He also says he can't change my feelings and that I'll get tired of feeling this bad. Is this some sort of strategy to not draw attention to it? He also says that when I cut I do it for myself but I also do it for him. "

SAY WHAT! Hes a therapist hes supposed to help you work through your feelings which will eventually change your feelings and need to cut. If he says you will eventually stop because of your tired of feeling bad I would say CIAO! Thats like saying eating disorders are a phase or OCD you can stop if you put your mind to it...its a load of CRAP. Mental disorders can't be willed away otherwise like a previous post said we wouldn't need meds or therapy. I hope you can find another therapist.

TayQuincey - yeh I understand your post and it makes a lot of sense. It is definately healthier to ask for what you need/want. Personally i struggle with that part though and so cutting is the unspoken expression of my needs. Cutting for me says what i can't - e.g that i'm depressed, i'm angry, i feel lonely, i don't care, i feel nothing, i can't cope etc. I don't use it to force people into loving me, supporting me, comforting me etc in a manipulative way but it is a cry for help, it is a desperate act. That is more what i meant. Personally noone knows when i self harm because it is deeply personal and private to me, but also because I am deeply ashamed that I am not able to ask for what i need in a healthy way yet - it makes me feel deficient and is completely at odds to the superwoman mask i generally like to convey to the world! I dunno, i feel that even if someone self harms in an outwardly "manipulative" way it doesn't mean their pain is any less or they should just be ignored because i still think it is sad that they can't communicate their needs in a healthy way and their pain is just as real. But i understand the DBT skills aren't about ignoring self harm but about reinforcing more positive behaviour and i definately think that is helpful! It is good for a person to want to try and find a better way to cope. I hope I have managed to explain myself better. I liked what you said about there being no shame in wanting or needing attention, I think i need to hear that more often because it is a deep seated belief of mine that i shouldn't need those things.

I think people SI for different reasons, and like Abby said, not all of those reasons are for attention. I don't SI regularly, it's usually a response to some overwhelming emotion, A.K.A. panic attacks. It's the only way I can get myself to calm down. I just don't know how to sit down and ask someone for help. I've never told anyone that I started SI-ing again after I initially stopped, and that was 2 years ago...

Sounds a lot like my old pdoc... She told me I did it for attention, so I STOPPED, and she just assumed that I wasn't bipolar anymore, and everything was just peachy. I'm SORRY that I'm not manic 100% of the time, and my depression lasts for weeks at a time... and I'm not impulsive in the depressive state! DUH. But that's the kind of crap you get when you live in a hick-town like me, and the stupid doctors feel like a bloodletting would be the best course of treatment, because they're so backwards! URG!!!

If your T isn't going to do anything useful -- like offering new coping strategies, or addressing the emotions BEHIND SI -- I bet it's time to find a new T. The idea of "getting tired of feeling bad" really raises some red flags for me, anyways. Hopefully, I'll "get tired of" having a chemical imbalance in my brain, too.

What I was saying and Abby and Whoswho explained well, is that I never met anyone on here who was SI for attention, people SI to cope.

Sannah, this is the quote I was responding to when I posted. I bolded the part where Abby said it's for attention. I am the one who said that different people have different reasons for SI.