Worth it? (may trigger...)

So, I mentioned a few nights ago that I slipped up and cut for the first time in about a month. I was feeling pretty bad about it... so, I talked to my counselor and looked online. I made a list of things to do instead of cutting, so that the next time I felt that way, I would not do it. Last night, I felt like cutting again and I looked over the list... and nothing on it helped. :/ I know that cutting is bad... and a friend of mine was with me last night, so I did not actually SI. But the need to was so huge... I don't know if it's like this for everyone, or just me... but I SI when I'm pissed off at myself. Like... I know that I struggle from depression and that depression is often considered the cause of cutting... and I guess maybe the anger that I feel toward myself is an aspect of depression... but SI for me is not a gateway to suicidal thoughts. Like, I have been suicidal before, I struggle with that sometimes. But when I'm suicidal it's because I'm sad and I feel helpless to change anything in my life. When I feel the need to SI, it's a totally different feeling. It's anger. Anger at myself, anger at my family, whatever. And the anger is so intense that I feel a very real PHYSICAL need to do something. Though some of the suggestions on my list were physical (like running, taking a hot shower, etc.) none of them helped. After a run and a hot shower I was still pissed off and I still felt the need to cut. I didn't. But the need stayed and didn't go away until I tool a Tylenol PM (which mellowed me out and took the edge off the anger I was feeling.) I know that I can't just pop a Tylenol whenever I feel the need to cut, and I know that cutting is not a healthy option also... but sometimes I wonder if stopping is worth it. I mean... I don't cut too deep and there is a very real physical release that comes with seeing the blood. If my options are cut to stop feeling the way I feel or take a sleeping pill to numb it up a little, what's the point? At least cutting won't permanently damage my liver. (and I know that if you cut deeply you risk permanent damage... but like I said, I don't.) I don't know... I guess the part of me that wants to be "healthy" (whatever THAT means) knows that cutting is not ok. But the part of me that has been doing it since high school to cope, the part of me that knows that it does actually relieve those horrible feelings, really doesn't see the point in stopping. But, I want to stop most days. (Like, right now, I don't feel the need to cut... and I really want a strategy in place to avoid it next time... but I know that "next time" I'm not going to care.) I guess any suggestions from people who have been maybe successful in stopping (or cuting back) on their SI tendencies would be very helpful. Thanks.

I don't know I can offer much advice on stopping because I struggle with the same issue. But what I can say is that it will get worse if you don't try and stop now. You say you don't cut deep....yeah I used to not cut that deep either. But it got worse. I used to just do a little bit...almost scratches...and it never left scars. Now I have hundreds of scars all over my legs that will never go away. So just be warned...even if you don't think you'll cut deeper....be careful because if you don't stop your need for cutting will get greater and eventually you'll want to cut deeper. I have the samme built up anger towards myself that you describe....that's how it gets worse.

I totally understand your need to cut. Sometimes the rage I feel gets so horrific, the only way I know to make it go away is to cut. Thankfully, I don't get into a rage that bad but once in a blue moon. I think the trick to not cutting is to stop the anger/rage before it gets to the point for the need to cut. If i feel myself headed that way, it is a matter of distraction. It doesn't always work, but it is worth a try .

Yes Sheila it's like Kati said, you may not intend to cut deeply but ut oh.... *everything* you said I relate to. I started in my teens & I am a lot older Cutting is still a struggle. Looking back if I would have stopped cold turkey, IDK I've been hospitalized for months, you see this may turn into an addiction. You don't want that. You have a life to enjoy!!! When a family member sees a scar (which I keep covered all summer) & that *will* happen to you too, the pain I see in them that I caused, rips my heart apart.
You do not mention a Therapist. I strongly suggest you find one Sheila. They will help you w/ your anger & you can talk about how to *safely* release the anger. The cutting takes is away for the moment. It *always* comes back bc you haven't worked your issues through/out. There also is new, excellent medication that will aid you as you work in therapy. Plz listen Sheila. PM me any time ok.

*Always* here 4 U,
Holmes

P.S. My List for not cutting is over 1,000, just doesn't do it. You have to work this out. YOU are what's Worth IT!

Thank you for the thought out response! I do have a counselor whom I see once a week, and I am on anti-depressants (20 mgs of citalopram/ day.) My counselor and I do talk about it a bit... but I have so many different issues that we don't really work on the anger that I feel toward myself too often. We did last week (after I slipped up and cut again.) but still... it's only an hour a week. :/ I guess it helps some... but sometimes I just feel like there is no "getting over" these issues. I mean... what does that even look like? In order for me to live a "healthy" life, I basically have to change everything I've been doing since I was 6. That seems like a pretty tall order... you know? But, do give it a try anyway. And I do want to be happy and all that. I guess I just have a lot of different problems to work through, so of course it will take some time. Anyway, thanks for the response!

Oh I love this website for self-help things you can do when you're in that moment. It's actually split up into the types of feelings you have and what might relieve them. Sadly, I haven't applied many of these techniques to see if they really help, but you should try! The bottle slashing sounds fun!
http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/self.html#match

Thank you for the link! That's a very helpful site!

This post made me realize that even though I don't SI often anymore (I say "anymore" with a tiny voice inside telling me I'm mildly bipolar & in denial), whenever I want to, I just do. Unless I'm in a room full of people, but the past few times I didn't even care then. I was barely being discrete. I don't think I've ever tried to stop myself, not whole-heartedly. That's good & bad to know, but thanks for making me think.

Would you be willing to tell more about what you are angry about, especially what you are angry at yourself about?

I used to self harm every night...now I do it about once or twice every 2 months.

I basically just listened to my doctor, grasped every opportunity available to me, stuck to my medication, etc.

I also found that if I kept myself busy I could fight off the urge until it goes or at least hold it for a while.

Mostly for not being able to support my mom and brothers enough to help them out with stuff. You know... I try to... but i fail sometimes.

How would you like to help and support them? Do you feel that you should always be there and able to support them?

Well, my mom is kind of... she struggles with depression and she makes pretty bad relationship choices (like, she's had two husbands and both were abusive and all the guys that she has dated are either abusive or alcoholics or both) so, like... I grew up having to be on standby with a phone in my room listening to the fights and determining whether or not it was intense enough to call 911 and things like that. My mom is a good mom. And, you know... my two step fathers definitely had good qualities. The last one I liked quite a bit about 90% of the time... but he had anger issues and sometimes would get a little out of hand. I really just want everyone to be happy. And I feel like I should be able to do that. I'm in counseling and I'm starting to realize that this thinking is not healthy or even plausible: I CAN'T support everyone. You know? I have to support myself. But... old habits and all. I have been the support for my mom since I was 6 (I am now 21) so... I have a lot of unhealthy thinking patterns that I hae to break through.

Such experiences must have been terrifying for you. I'm so sorry that you had to go through them, and, it sounds like, for such a long time, too.

What were you angry about the last time you were intensely tempted to cut?

Yup, this is the route......... and it can be done. This is what I had to work through.........

Good insights into what got you to where you are now........

Are you going to talk more about your anger in therapy? You can also start a thread here to talk about your anger when you get angry. This is how I deal with my anger, talk, talk, talk and more talk until I have worked through it.........

Mostly it was actually my stepfather. He and my mom are in the process of getting a divorce... but he's been like my dad since I was 6, so, you know... I'm pretty close to him, I guess. Anyway, he wanted me to go to church with him and I wasn't feeling it... but he handled me saying "no" really badly emotionally and ended up peeling out of the driveway without saying a word to me. I figured that I had hurt him and that I should have just gone to church with him and then everything would have been alright. So, yeah... I was kind of pissed at myself for that. You know?

I think so. I mean, now he knows about the SI stuff, so that's kind of on the table and something that we can address more. I was hesitant to tell him because I didn't know what was necessary to lable someone "a danger to themselves" and I was kind of over-reacting and freaking out about, like, mandatory hospital stay and stuff. lol. It turns out it's not nearly that serious, which is nice. And he handled the news in stride and did not judge me for it, which was also very nice.

I'm glad that you had the courage to tell your T.

So you felt awful as he left without speaking to you and showed his anger further by peeling out of there. You felt that you had hurt him--did you feel that perhaps you had harmed your relationship with him?

Do you think that he was so angry because he had to go to church alone, or because he didn't get his way? Or something else?

Was his reaction out of proportion or appropriate? How about you: was your reaction out of proportion or appropriate?

Sounds like he is used to his needs coming first.................

Yeah, I know that he reacted badly and out of proportion to the situation. And I know that I have a tendency to blame myself for things that probably are not my fault. My counselor and I talked this whole situation out after I cut (obviously) and he brought up a lot of the same points. You know, about how I cannot blame myself for his reaction to things. That is not in my control and if he reacts badly it's not my job to fix that. Like I said, I'm basically working on altering the way I have viewed the people in my life and the way that I have interacted with them for the last 15 years. It's going to be a long, rough road. lol. But I hear that the hike is worth it.