[AmadeusApple]

Is it wrong that I have the impression that there will always be relapses?
I've gone for a few years at a time, but it always seems to come back.
Almost always it comes in the form of feeling that I need to punish myself for something or other.

The only thing that has it at bay right now is the fact that my cats always look at me all, "What are you doing, mommy?" when I bring out the lighter and something made of metal

[Katileena]

For me it feels like relapses will be a part of my life forever.....so idk if that's wrong. I can't go for more then a month or so lately.....

That's cute how many cats do you have? I'm more of a dog person, but isn't it funny how we consider how our animals feel before how WE feel??? I have a guinea pig, and sometimes I think "she's watching me cut, what is she thinking?!" Or a few times I have held her when I was crying....do you think such innocent animals know we are in pain?! I don't know.....interesting though.

[michelle421]

i don't think it's wrong. i think with SI, it can be very addicting. i do think that it will be an issue for life for me. i've had times where i went without SI for a few days at a time and it was a good improvement. i've had weeks without it then i went back again. i've gone months without it and gone back... i think the longest i went might have been a bit over a year, maybe a year and a half. but i still think that it comes back. it's my addiction that goes dormant every so often, but it never goes away completely. sometimes i have felt so conflicted because i went so long without hurting myself and suddenly i was having intense urges again. and it wasn't because i was feeling bad again, i was actually really happy. i just wanted it. craved it. it was a very weird thing to try to figure out those feelings. still don't understand why i would want SI for no reason sometimes.

i also think it's very interesting to evaluate the response of animals. i think they feel a lot even though they don't know as much about what's going on. i think cats are very emotional, or at least they pick up on human emotions. i've had a cat that came to cuddle me specifically when i was sad (a cat that didn't often snuggle). my partner has said one of her cats acts really weird when she's felt guilty about SI. she said it was probably the guilt that her cat was sensing from her... how would the cat know that she went to the bathroom to SI? but she gave this crazy "i know what you're up to" look. that's so weird to me. but i still think the cats kinda know what's up given your emotions, if they know you well.

[Sannah]

AA, are you in therapy?

[AmadeusApple]

@Katileena:
Yeah, I think animals do know when we're in pain and that some of them are acutely aware of the fact.
I have 2 kitties, Amadeus and Edgeworth.
Amadeus seems to be the more sensitive to my feelings than Edge is... Edgeworth's kind of a space cadet, though.

A while back when I had a complete breakdown in the middle of the night, sobbing in to a towel (because no one wants to get the carpet messy, eh?), Amadeus stayed by me guarding me for hours... just laying there and protecting me.

@michelle:
Most definitely it is addicting. I completely understand having urges even when one is in a decent mood.
I went, I think... three years... and then I relapsed, then relapsed again after about a year. And I've been combating it more actively since, it seems to pop up more often.
Possibly because I feel guilty about being a burden, which I definitely feel that I am at times.

still don't understand why i would want SI for no reason sometimes.

From what my last therapist told me, SI is one of the most addicting things that you can do, since it releases pure adrenaline.

@Sannah
No, I haven't gone to therapy for a few years now.
I had an experience that my therapist just handed off my group therapy to an intern without even informing me, and I lost a huge amount of trust in that episode. Which is a pity, considering I had gone to him for... 12 years, I think.

[paintingravens]

I think it's normal to go through relapses, but idk if it's a good idea to EXPECT them, you know? Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, sort of thing...

My cat would follow me to the bathroom when I went to cut, and he'd just stare at me before I went in like he knew what I was doing... it was just so awkward (is it possible to have an awkward moment with a cat? lol...) having to shut the door in his sweet face so I could go cut myself... I always felt bad doing it, because he'd just sit outside the door, waiting for me to come out... occasionally, he'd meow a bit, and then I'd REALLY feel bad.... :/

Life would just NOT be the same without animals. I'm so thankful for them. <3

[AmadeusApple]

Originally Posted by paintingravens

I think it's normal to go through relapses, but idk if it's a good idea to EXPECT them, you know? Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, sort of thing...

My cat would follow me to the bathroom when I went to cut, and he'd just stare at me before I went in like he knew what I was doing... it was just so awkward (is it possible to have an awkward moment with a cat? lol...) having to shut the door in his sweet face so I could go cut myself... I always felt bad doing it, because he'd just sit outside the door, waiting for me to come out... occasionally, he'd meow a bit, and then I'd REALLY feel bad.... :/

Life would just NOT be the same without animals. I'm so thankful for them. <3

^_^; My posts are still being moderated, so my stuff is going to show up weird.

It is pretty awkward to have a cat staring at you when you have a lighter or a knife, etc.
And just staring.
If I were to close the door on Amadeus, he wouldn't just sit outside the door. He'd scratch and claw like crazy at the door. And meow, too.
He does that any time he knows that I'm upstairs and he can't get up there. He has some major separation issues. >>

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by AmadeusApple

No, I haven't gone to therapy for a few years now.
I had an experience that my therapist just handed off my group therapy to an intern without even informing me, and I lost a huge amount of trust in that episode. Which is a pity, considering I had gone to him for... 12 years, I think.

No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. Is returning to therapy a possibility for you?

[AmadeusApple]

Originally Posted by Sannah

No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. Is returning to therapy a possibility for you?

I don't know for sure...
I've been in the mindset for a while that I shouldn't need anyone to help me after 12 years, even before he messed up I had already gotten to a stubborn point that I felt I shouldn't need help from anyone, especially from someone that I'm paying to have listen to me.

I tried another therapist a while back, but things just didn't really click.
With the economy and how strapped we are for money, it's been fairly easy to have what I consider a solid justification for not going.

[Perna]

I wouldn't call it wrong, I'd just wonder if it's what you want? It's hard to heal if we don't expect/want to? I use the word "yet" a lot when I'm struggling. "Ah, a relapse, I haven't beaten this thing YET," the implication being that eventually I will and that I am trying to and moving forward (with longer and longer between slips and it being a bit easier to resist for longer).

[AmadeusApple]

Originally Posted by Perna

It's hard to heal if we don't expect/want to? I use the word "yet" a lot when I'm struggling. "Ah, a relapse, I haven't beaten this thing YET," the implication being that eventually I will and that I am trying to and moving forward (with longer and longer between slips and it being a bit easier to resist for longer).

I really don't expect to, I'm a pessimist.
My usual thought is that all the issues are something I'll never be able to beat. It's a vicious cycle and I'm not sure how to get away from it.
My bipolar snaps, then I feel guilty which in turn causes me to want to SI to punish myself.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by AmadeusApple

I've been in the mindset for a while that I shouldn't need anyone to help me after 12 years,

I felt I shouldn't need help from anyone, especially from someone that I'm paying to have listen to me.

I tried another therapist a while back, but things just didn't really click.

Did you make obvious progress during those 12 years?

Help from others is imperative to healing.

Sometimes you need to shop around to find a therapist that clicks.

Originally Posted by AmadeusApple

I really don't expect to, I'm a pessimist.
My usual thought is that all the issues are something I'll never be able to beat.

Being able to believe in the end point is sort of helpful in getting you there.

Originally Posted by AmadeusApple

My bipolar snaps, then I feel guilty which in turn causes me to want to SI to punish myself.

Why do you feel guilty?

[AmadeusApple]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Did you make obvious progress during those 12 years?

Yeah, I pretty much wouldn't be alive if I hadn't gone.
So, I guess that counts as progress.

Being able to believe in the end point is sort of helpful in getting you there.

Yeah, it'd be nice. ^^;

Why do you feel guilty?

I feel guilty for snapping, and when I snap I snap viciously... and my fiancé receives the brunt of it and I cannot understand how he puts up with it.
I can be incredibly vicious at times.
Then I feel guilty for being vicious and mean, so I crave hurting myself.
And then if people find out, they're sad that I did so... and I feel guilty again.

And then the cycle just starts all over. Anything human in the house is on the receiving end of my viciousness when I'm down.
Mom, Dad, fiancé.
Only the cats and dog don't have to deal with my behavior.

[Sannah]

So you did make progress in therapy. I would think that would make you want to do more of it?

You are snapping for a reason (inner turmoil). How about being understanding of yourself and apoligizing to those that you snapped at?

[AmadeusApple]

Well, my therapist of 10+ years threw an intern to be in charge of my support group without mentioning it to me, and that was a massive betrayal for me.

I find it hard to be understanding of myself, let alone thing that anyone else should be understanding.
I can't think of any possible way that my fiancé can even begin to understand the way that I snap at him. I snap at him because he wants to get a scooter, because of money, because of all his gaming... that one especially isn't fair, since I sleep all the time.

I'm just grateful that my mom understands and gets it.
I think that over the years, having someone that deals with bipolar has well as helped.
She's never dealt with self injury, because she was too worried that she'd go too far.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by AmadeusApple

Well, my therapist of 10+ years threw an intern to be in charge of my support group without mentioning it to me, and that was a massive betrayal for me.

So you give up therapy? This consequence isn't good for you at all.

Originally Posted by AmadeusApple

I snap at him because he wants to get a scooter, because of money, because of all his gaming...

Sounds like you have reasons here ^ to be upset?

[AmadeusApple]

Originally Posted by Sannah

So you give up therapy? This consequence isn't good for you at all.

I did fine for a quite a while.
But then my work environment really started getting to me and it kind of snowballed.

Sounds like you have reasons here ^ to be upset?

*shrug*
Yes, I do, I suppose.
But when I sit back and look at it... he just wants to get a scooter so he doesn't have to depend on my parents for rides.

Money... *shrug* It just frustrates me that he doesn't quite get the concept of "our" money, but then again, I don't really either.

He games. I sleep.
It's kind of odd, but when I'm in a solid mood, it doesn't bother me as much... since at least he's not sleeping his life away, gaming it away instead.

[Sannah]

I went back and forth to therapy. An issue would come up, I would work on it and resolve it and then stop therapy. A year or so would go by, another issue would come up, so on and so forth. I think that I went through maybe 4 rounds of this, each time with a different therapist (because I moved or changed insurance or started school, etc.). I have found that I healed in layers. I would first work on the first layer of my self worth or boundaries and then be done with it until I was ready to work on the next layer of the same issue. I have worked on probably 5 layers now.

These all sound like reasonable issues to discuss with your bf so that you 2 can work through them. Do you get upset really easy with disagreements? Does he game because you are sleeping or does he game regardless of what you are doing?

[AmadeusApple]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Do you get upset really easy with disagreements?

Very easily.

Does he game because you are sleeping or does he game regardless of what you are doing?

He games pretty much all the time whether I'm sleeping or not, generally I'll be doing something on my own computer in the same room if I'm not asleep.
He goes batty if he doesn't have some sort of stimuli all the time. I think he has a pretty solid case of ADHD and I kind of suspect he may have Asperger's as well, but that's just speculation on my part.

He reads too, though (and we'll read together, I like to read as well).

We used to watch movies together, but I haven't been in the mood to watch movies lately. >< I don't know why.

[AmadeusApple]

Do you get upset really easy with disagreements?

Incredibly so...
Especially if it involves money.

[Sannah]

Is this something that you want to learn to handle better?

[AmadeusApple]

Yes, it is.
But the thought has occurred to me that since I've been down for quite some time now, I'm uncomfortable with being up again... because then I'm bound to crash violently again and it's always a disappointment.
I'm kind of starting to think that I'm in a mode that I've just settled and find it comfortable in an incredibly miserable way, but that I won't have to worry about being disappointed when I crash again if I've been really happy.

[Sannah]

I guess this is one choice that you can make...........

Yes, if you sit on the floor you cannot fall down. Of course, you do not get anywhere either.

[skeksi]

I ask my T this a lot. I believe him when he says, You will do it for as long as it serves a purpose for you.

So, my quest is to find other ways to do for myself what self-harm does. I think we can stop it only by working through it. For me, that means professional support. Maybe I will need to see someone forever. But I like the feeling of working towards being more healed and whole.

I hope you are able to bring yourself to imagine being up again. You can be up. You deserve to be.