[siriusjones]

Hi everyone. I'm kind of brand new to this whole support group forum thing. I'm still not entirely sure if I'm ready or willing to listen to or accept help from anyone yet. I've never been in therapy regarding SI, and I've been able to keep it hidden or at least keep up convincing stories for most of my friends and family. Right now I'm not looking for help or trying to stop. I guess I'm just trying to allow myself to open up about it a little more.

My SI definitely comes and goes. When I first started around age 11 or 12 I kept my episodes concentrated to concealed areas of my skin (upper thigh mostly). It never seemed or felt like a big deal to me; it was always just something I did. I would go months without even thinking about doing it, but I don't think it was ever really not a part of me. I generally kept my episodes to one or two scratches, usually with safety pins, and then I'd be satisfied and put it away, and I wouldn't go back to it for weeks or even months at a time. As I got older my SI started getting more intense, and creeping into more visible areas (lower on my legs, shoulders, forearms).

I have yet to really figure out my major triggers. Often when I begin to realize that I've grown attracted to someone, I get an urge to SI, maybe to give myself a reality check. I have pretty low self-worth (which I'm always working on) so I feel like if I mess myself up that'll give the person from whom I want attention one more reason not to approach me; damaged goods. I try to keep a safe distance from everyone I talk to; I don't like getting close to people, it scares me.

SI has never been something I've done out of sadness or depression. Usually I'll be fine one minute, but the next my brain kind of shuts off, and when I come-to I've got marks all over my arms. I'm aware physically of what I am doing, but mentally and emotionally there is nothing attached to the act until after the episode. I rarely derive satisfaction or relief from the act anymore; now it's more like guilt, shame, and a sudden lurch of fear: "How am I going to hide this one? What story can I use this time?"

This summer I met another self-injurer. She is open about her manic depression and has scars all over her forearms. She seems to be a kind of ticking time-bomb, very unstable, constantly on a rollercoaster in regards to her moods, and she causes me a lot of anxiety when we are around each other. Seeing her forearms sent me into a very weird place. It was the first time I'd really seen an obvious sign of SI on anybody but myself. The day I noticed her scars I went home and SI'd the most I'd ever done all at once. When I was finished, I didn't feel shame or satisfaction; I didn't really FEEL anything. But really, I just wanted more. None of them really bled, but it's been a couple of days and the lines are still there, raised, scabbing. I am a little nervous about someone noticing and asking about them; I don't know if I'll be able to explain this episode away.

That's pretty much my story. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm doing here but I'm hoping reading other's stories can help me out in some way. Thanks for reading mine.

[Sannah]

Hi Sirius, welcome! I hope you are able to get to know yourself better here..........

[Christina86]

Hello! Welcome.

It is normal that sometimes we're unintentionally unconsciously triggered by another persons self injury. I don't know the situation, but I've found that being around emotionally volatile people like that especially when I'm dealing with my own issues, is a really bad idea.

Glad you found us, hope that being here will be useful for you.

[callingforthesun]

journaling helps (for me, at least) in identifying your triggers. i write every day, good or bad and keep a very, very close eye on my moods and mood shifts & also document it when i SI. eventually you start to see the connections. at least then you can see the warning signs when you're about to get triggered. not that it makes the urge go away.....but the more self-aware you are, the better. get to know yourself, your moods, your actions and how it's all connected the best you can.

[Ebpm]

It's very difficult not knowing the trigger, but never let that get you down. ;-) Its hard in the outside world but I never let it bother me, so niether should you Sirius. I agree with Callingforthesun;-)
I feel very similar about getting close to people...but it's more along the lines of how horrible my face looks and afraid of what people will think of me. ;-) But I know I don't have to worry about that, and I know there are always worse people than me-and I'm pretty bad- who I can be there for.:-)

But on a lighter note, welcome Sirius! I hope this site is of great use to you!;-)

[siriusjones]

Thanks, everybody, for your words and encouragement. You make my feelings valid and that helps a lot.

I'm kind of afraid of what's going to happen to me over the next couple of weeks. I just closed a really big, important, emotional chapter in my life: yesterday was the final performance of the musical I've been working on since May. Even though I never got super super close with any of the people I was working with, the whole show and the whole situation was just such a huge deal to me. The show itself (RENT for those who know it) has such a powerful message behind it that really struck me during our final performance. I felt like up until that point I had been so disconnected from the text and the songs because I didn't want to start crying or getting really emotional during the performance, but last night I listened to what I was actually saying:

"I can't control my destiny.
I trust my soul, my only goal
Is just to be."

So much of my summer and my self are still tied to those people, those words, that show, that stage, and now it's just... over. Generally when I finish a show I try to sever all my ties quickly, like a bandaid, just rip it out of my life... but the connection I felt to that show yesterday makes my desire to disconnect from everyone and everything fade away. It's good and bad at the same time. Something changed so suddenly and immediately, I feel like I either have to relearn how to be me, or I have to give that up and become someone new and different.

The next few weeks I can tell are going to be a period of great transition for me, either back into my old life or into a new one. I'll try my best to keep up with a journal and try not to let things get out of hand.

Thanks for reading.

[Sannah]

Wow, yeah, please keep us posted...........

[siriusjones]

This week started out pretty rough. I saw a few of the people I was in the show with at school on monday which kind of sent my emotions haywire. I accidentally hit my face with my car door on the way home from school (like an imbecile) and spent the rest of the following two days hitting that same spot over and over again on purpose with anything, a fist or a hairbrush or anything, making it hurt more. I'm starting to think I've got a pain addiction.
Wednesday was a really good turning point though. I stumbled upon someone from the show that I got pretty close to over the summer, and we sat in the sunshine and had a really good conversation. He made me feel really good without even knowing that I was feeling badly, and the fact that I was able to talk pretty openly with him (he's kind of been a source of intimidation since I met him three years ago) made me proud of myself and happy that I was able to keep my cool and carry on a good conversation. Kind of silly, but maybe a year ago I never would have approached him to talk and be friendly with because I didn't think I was worth his time. Baby steps, I guess.
But now it's Friday morning and I haven't felt the urge to hit my face (or cut, for that matter) since Wednesday. I did, however, get my third tattoo yesterday. I don't really know if that counts as SI... I didn't go in for the pain, and it wasn't done on a whim, I've been wanting to get this tattoo for a couple of years at this point. It's kind of just a coping mechanism, I guess.
That's all for now. I'm headed home to see my parents for the long weekend, so hopefully that'll be more relaxing than stress-inducing. Thanks for reading.

[Sannah]

So glad that you had a good connection with that guy!! Good work thinking that you are worthy enough to speak with him!!

Yes, SI is an addiction to pain. I don't think that you tattoo sounds like SI.

Hope you have a good weekend............

[siriusjones]

Had a nice weekend at home. I really love long drives that I can take by myself (it's about six hours between here and there). I had a lot of fun and worked some things through in my head, which is always a good thing.
But now I'm back at school and... I dunno, I just feel like I'm going through such a huge transition period right now, and I don't know if being at home for the weekend helped or hindered that transition. I've been living at school for over a year now, so when I went home and saw all the places I used to hang out, or go to eat, or visit friends, I kind of felt like that wasn't my world anymore. My bedroom at my mom's house isn't even a bedroom anymore. It's where she keeps all of her miscellaneous stuff, and dirty laundry. But that's not what's bothering me; I know my mom isn't trying to push me away. We still talk on the phone almost daily. But seeing my old high school and malls and things was just very strange. And at the same time I'm beginning to feel as though I'm outgrowing my little college town. I've realized that what I really want to do with my life, I won't be able to do here. I feel like I'm being ushered out the door into adulthood and maturity, and after I graduate in May, I have no idea what's going to happen in my life. I don't want to move back home, because I've kind of "Been there, done that." And I can't stay here, as much as I love this area and the people I've met here.
All of this chaos is giving me strong urges. I haven't acted on anything yet, but I also haven't actively tried to talk myself out of doing anything.
The girl I mentioned before, the other SIer... she seems to be becoming a bigger part of my life, now that we are friends and she goes to the same school I do, and is also in the same program as I am. We have one class together. She asked me to braid her hair yesterday, which I did, but when she went for a rubber band in her purse, she accidentally knocked open her "box of secrets" as she calls it. All I saw was gauze, but I put the pieces together pretty quick. I didn't say anything, because... well, it's obviously a sensitive topic, and I don't want to trigger her, but she has consistently been a trigger for me. I hate to blame my problems on other people, because it's not her fault that I am weak around her. She's a really fun person, and I'd like to be able to hang out with her without getting those urges, but... I don't know. Like I said, transitions.
I'll check in later on. Thanks for reading.

[Sannah]

I'm concerned about how this girl triggers you. I'm glad that you had a good weekend.

[siriusjones]

I faced some big anxiety-makers last night and went to a party. It was a surprise birthday party for one of the guys from the show, so I had just heard about it yesterday morning. Generally when I'm thinking about going to a party I like to be made aware of it at least a couple of days in advance... but I think that is because I want to have more time to talk myself out of going. Today within a few hours of being told about/invited to the party, I was committed to going and had already volunteered to drive one of my best friends, so I didn't have the time to think about it, or try to back out. And you know what? It actually went really well. A whole bunch of people that I knew were there, and when my friend and I left I realized that these aren't just people I know, they are my friends. But they've only become my friends because I've allowed myself to open up to all of them on a level that most people never get to see.
I don't know where my social anxiety comes from, but I know that it's kept me from going to pretty much every single college party that I've ever been invited to. Only in the last couple of months have I started going to these things. It's never been a problem of me not getting invited, I would just never go. But now I've started going out, and I really feel like I've been a big baby about the whole thing all this time. I actually had fun last night. I had fun at a party, like, what? That just seems so weird to me. I can't keep talking about this without getting rambly but hopefully that makes some kind of sense.
I feel like I have to be careful, though. I've had SI episodes in the past where I've been on a big emotional high, and I've injured to bring myself back down to earth. I think by recognizing that this is a trigger and mentioning it, though, is going to make it a lot easier to keep myself from giving in to the urge. I know there's no quick fix and it's a healing process and it takes a lot of time, and from what I've been reading in other people's posts, the urges never really go away one hundred percent, I still feel like I'm making good strides, or at least headed in the right direction.

Sannah: thanks so much for reading and for your continuing support.

[Sannah]

Very good work Sirius! You are so welcome to my continued support!

[findingmy_self95]

It seems like Psych Central has helped you alot. Good luck on your journey and I wish you well !

[siriusjones]

Working really hard, fighting a really strong urge tonight.
I'm just picturing my pack of safety pins I have sitting maybe six feet from me on my bookshelf in my brain. It's like it's just floating around in my head waiting for me to grab it.
The lines on the backs of my forearms and hands look like little scars just waiting to be accentuated by a couple dozen strokes.
I'm not upset or sad. I had a good day. I had a good day. I want to power through this and not have to do it but I don't know if I'll make it through the night without doing something about it.

Now for some ladytalk:
A couple years ago my physician gave me a BS diagnosis of PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, essentially just a blown-up version of PMS). By BS I mean she kind of mentioned it in passing and prescribed me some birth control that was supposed to help with that. I was on that for like eight months but noticed no real improvement, so I quit taking it because it pretty much just made me sick and made my period longer instead of shorter like it was supposed to (also, I'm really kind of anti-pills, not because I don't think they work for some people, I just don't like the idea of medicating something like this, personally). But now that I really think about it, these depressions and episodes really do seem to coincide with when my PMS hormones would be at the peak of their raging-ness. I mean I guess it's good to recognize that, but until I can open myself up to other coping mechanisms, and other things to do besides what I really WANT to do, I don't really see how it's going to help.
I feel like I become a completely different person during these times. Not a different person exactly, but it feels like the real me leaves this body and goes somewhere else, and my body just does without me really being there. Every once in a while maybe my real self will come check in my body, but just for a minute or two and then go away again. I'll feel like this for days at a time, even up to a week, and then one day I'm all back together and life is peachy. It's weird and a little frightening.

Talking it out helps, I think the urge has subsided at least a bit while writing this. I'm going to try really hard tonight, curl up with the cats, watch a movie and try to let that be enough. Thanks for reading.

[Sannah]

Sirius are you in therapy? Sounds like you need to get that checked out by a doctor?

[siriusjones]

Sannah: I'm not in therapy currently, but after writing that post I did look into the health center services at my school... and wouldn't you know it, in the twist of the century, the one mental health professional/therapist at school is the father of the girl who triggers me.
I am still considering looking into therapy elsewhere, but any place outside of school is probably going to be really expensive. There's also the matter of me not having a job and still relying pretty fully on my mom's expenses, and I'm not totally ready to let my mom know that I need help... actually I'm not totally ready to admit to myself that I need help.
My first experience with therapy in middle school left a pretty bad taste in my mouth. I know that was just one case with one person, but I really didn't like what was becoming of me at that time of my life. I was not open to changing things, and I don't think much has changed for me in that aspect. It's weird; I don't want help, I just want to be better. But sometimes I don't even want to be better.
I did make it through last night without acting on my urges, and it doesn't feel like tonight is going to be one of those nights, so I think I'm okay for the time being.

[Sannah]

Please continue to keep me posted...........

[siriusjones]

I had a really super strange night this week. It was the night after I had convinced myself to go to sleep without giving in to my SI urges. I don't know what exactly happened, but I know that I woke up at around 4am and felt as though my actions weren't my own: everything I was doing was being dictated by something else inside my head. I was out of control. It wasn't causing me so much mental anguish as it was kind of making me feel physically ill. My hand would twitch and my fingers curled even though I didn't want them too, or I wasn't making them. I would roll over in bed without thinking about it. It felt like I had stepped outside of myself and left someone else in charge of my body. But it was kind of more than that... Everything just felt so greasy and disgusting, and I was more and more aware of my sheets and how gross they were (even though I just washed them a week or two ago) and I was absolutely disgusted and I felt like I was sleeping in a pile of garbage. I finally lulled myself back to sleep when I could quell my mind enough. When I woke up again it was 7:30 and I was in control of myself again, but very emotionally and mentally drained. I was really, really down the whole day, and completely disconnected from all of my friends, like there was some kind of invisible wall between me and the people I love and love to be around at school. Really, really weird.
That evening I was washing my sheets (because I wanted to try to avoid a repeat of the night before) and I lost it. I took the key to the laundry room and scraped it across my inner forearm near the elbow three or four times. I didn't draw blood or break the skin but I did burst some blood vessels and I have a series of tiny blood blisters.
I don't want to make excuses or make connections that aren't necessarily there, but I have to admit that after my episode I slept very soundly and I woke up the next morning feeling recharged and reconnected, mind with body. Maybe it's the whole "feeling real" thing; I need to cause myself pain to know that I am real and I exist and I am here and present and one.
This period of transition doesn't seem to be working in my favor at this moment; these last few weeks I've felt so lost and confused about myself. I guess I go through a cycle, because some days I love who I am right now, because I know I'm a good person and I have so many people that love and care about me. I feel so secure, but those moments are almost invariably replaced every couple days/weeks with feelings of anguish, depression, insecurity, and disconnectedness. I wish I could find a happy medium, or at least be able to deal with the down-periods better and manage the up-periods and use that positivity more in small doses, rather than expending it all and once (that tends to send me into down-periods.)
I'm getting closer and closer to wanting to talk to someone about these things; it's a very slow process for me, but I really don't think I deserve to live in this headspace anymore. It's not fair.
Thanks for reading, sorry for being so disjointed; that's just what's going on right now.

[Sannah]

Sirius, sounds like you are having periods of dissociation called depersonalization and derealization. SI can stop this dissociation. It brings you back, reintegrates you. I do hope that you will look into therapy because to get rid of all of this you need to work through what is really going on with you. The dissociation and SI are symptoms to your issues.

[siriusjones]

I am:
lost
disoriented
confused
sad
exasperated
tired
sick
scarred
stuck
weak

This post is going to be extremely stream-of-consciousness because i don't give a crap right now.

Today in my archery class I didn't wear an arm guard (used to protect your forearm from the snap of the string when you let the arrow fly). I hadn't been using one in class for a couple of weeks because I didn't like the feel of it, didn't feel natural or whatever, and it's not absolutely necessary, and previously that hadn't been a problem for me. Today, however, perhaps something about my stance was different, because the string hit my forearm again and again on each round up to the line. I didn't even really notice the pain; I mean yeah it hurt, but I had a lot of other things on my mind so the pain just kind of slipped away. Now I have the biggest, gnarliest bruise on my inner forearm. It's like four different colors.

I told one of my best friends about what's been going on in my head lately (she doesn't know that I've done SI). She seemed genuinely concerned which I appreciated. It was weird because I never really talk to my friends about this kind of thing, but she really listened and said some nice and encouraging things. She saw the bruise on my arm and I told her it was from archery. She twisted this into talking about cutting and was all "But you shouldn't resort to that... huh, I wonder if that's why people hurt themselves..." I just didn't say anything because... well she doesn't know so why bother concerning her with that? She's made comments like that in the past. I think she might know that it's a sensitive topic with me without knowing explicitly what or why.

I hung out with my trigger at school today. her instability causes me such anxiety. it was really okay for most of the day but as the day progressed she got worse and worse and i wish i could tell her that or tell her that we're both broken but there's no real way to say that without sending us both into a bad place. and i feel terrible identifying her as a trigger, because she is such a good friend and someone that i'd like to hang out with but it does things to me that i don't like.

after all this i did bounce back, and i was feeling pretty good on my walk home from school. then as i was crossing a street with my headphones in, some jerkoff honked his car horn at me to get my attention. he made me pull my headphones off and stand there like an idiot while he took way too long to ask if i had "two bucks for gas money."
"No, sorry, I don't have any cash."
"Just two bucks."
"No, sorry, I DON'T HAVE ANY CASH."
Then he scoffed, like it was MY fault that I don't have cash in my wallet, and drove away. Also, good call idiot, honking at people is obviously the best way to get what you want. Even if i had had two dollars with me i would have lied because you're a piece of crap.
I don't know why this stupid altercation really set me off but dammit it was NOT what i needed today.

i gave in to temptation again tonight. maybe tomorrow will be better.

[Sannah]

I'm glad that you have that one understanding friend. If she is always talking about SI with you she must sense that this is an issue for you and she wants to talk to you about it?

Of course I am still concerned about you hanging out with that girl who triggers you. It doesn't sound like it is very good for you and your mental health. What exactly does she do that triggers you?

Yeah, it is interesting why this guy got to you. Did he just disturb your peace?

So you are going to wear the arm guard next time?

Thanks for continuing to keep me posted on how you are doing..........

[siriusjones]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I'm glad that you have that one understanding friend. If she is always talking about SI with you she must sense that this is an issue for you and she wants to talk to you about it?

Of course I am still concerned about you hanging out with that girl who triggers you. It doesn't sound like it is very good for you and your mental health. What exactly does she do that triggers you?

Yeah, it is interesting why this guy got to you. Did he just disturb your peace?

So you are going to wear the arm guard next time?

Thanks for continuing to keep me posted on how you are doing..........

I kind of feel like my friend sort of talks about SI completely obliviously; she's definitely not trying to make fun of it, though she has made a few degrading remarks about it since I've known her. It's not like a huge thing between the two of us, but it is kind of always struck me as strange. I'm fairly certain she doesn't know about me, but i feel like if she brings it up again, I might need to tell her.
I have a few friends that I have told; most people I've told think SI is something I used to do, not that it's an ongoing problem. There's only person that I've really talked to about it recently. He's really supportive, and he tries to understand, but I don't even fully understand it so it's hard to explain it to someone who has no idea what it's like.

I guess the girl who triggers me does so because her fragility really scares me. I spend so much time trying to keep cool in front of other people, and just breaking down in private; she wears her emotions on her sleeve and allows everyone to be witness to her moodswings and mania. She has a very in-your-face personality, which is so unlike my own. I'm generally quite subdued in public situations, so to meet someone who is such a type-A while also being extremely emotionally-driven just sends me into insane moodswings of my own. Also, I've never really had such a close with someone who is also a self-injurer (at least that I could obviously see). I guess seeing so much of what I go through spelled out plainly for everyone else to see on somebody else's body makes me uncomfortable.

I think that guy in the car upset me so much because I was already in such a fragile place and I felt like I had just got my moods back under control, then his unexpected rudeness kind of threw me off balance. I tried to call my mom right after it had happened, too, to talk it out, but she didn't answer the phone, and I just let that defeat me.

[siriusjones]

my arm is a mess after this weekend and i just keep making it worse. considering wearing an ace bandage on my wrist all week. somehow that always generates more attention than the scars. i'm at a loss right now.

[Sannah]

What do you need to do to get yourself into a better "place"? What was going on this weekend with you?