degrees of difficulty

OK, here's my question: If you're trying everything you can not to SI, but doing it would be the only thing keeping you from doing something worse, would you do it?

I don't know if I have the energy to fight it right now. I'm having a really bad day in the depression dept., I have varying amounts of 4 different psych meds laying around, and they're starting to tempt me. But if I gave in and cut, maybe I'd feel less overwhelmed.

Why does this crap always happen on weekends when my therapist isn't available?

That's another thing -- he's trying so hard to help me, and I would hate to let him down. But I don't know if that's enough to keep me from the blades today. I do know that I can't do it for myself right now, because frankly, I couldn't care less about what happens to me at the moment. So theoretically it should help to have somebody else to behave for. Why isn't it?

Sorry for being such a bummer.

Candy

There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Candy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm sorry that you are feeling that bad right now. Can you call a friend or someone to be with you and help you to be safe? Another option is to call a crisis line or go to the emergency room. Could you round up all those meds and either give them to someone to keep them for you, or just flush them?

Try everything you can to make yourself safe. Talking to us here is good too. But if you want to know what I honestly have done, yes, I've used SI as an alternative to something worse. I guess it just happened. I was saving up pills, and I think I actually had a bunch of them in my pocket, but they rattled too much, so I put them back in the cabinet. And I made sure that I didn't have anything sharp too, but I still had my fingernails. And it was better than the alternative, even though I wound up getting locked up, but it really could have been worse. It was from there that I started to be able to push off from the bottom and start feeling better.

So, try everything you can to make yourself safe. Consider how you are going to feel about it afterwards, including the next time you talk to your therapist. Are you going to be able to live with what you will have to tell him? When it comes down to it, it really is your decision.

I hope you start feeling better very soon.

Wendy

<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

</font color=orange>

If I give you my truthful answer it will sound as if I am condoning you hurting yourself but I believe that we shouldn't lie to each other here.

There was a time when I felt I didn't have a choice. It was either/or. If I didn't hurt myself then I would have to die because the pain was unbearable. But there is a choice. There is a third option. Tomorrow I get to celebrate 2 months without SI. I want to believe that I found the third option and will never go back but I know it isn't that simple. There are triggers out there that will send me back to the old dark place. Will I see the option then? Probably not. I hope when that time comes I will be able to come here and have my friends reply to me like Repunzal just replied to you, and remind me that there is another option. You do not HAVE to hurt yourself. You do not HAVE to do worse. There is help. You are not alone and you have a choice beyond what you see right now.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

I echo the responses of Zenobia and Rapunzel. You can get through this. You hurt very much, and you are doing the best you can to be brave. Try to believe that it will ease up and that you will see light again. Your life is valuable and so is your body. Please, for you, do whatever you can to save both of them. Even if it means going to the emergency room or calling a crisis hotline. Cutting is only a temporary thing, and I know how much it can seem like it helps you, but it's hurting you. I send you love and hugs and the knowledge that someone out there is hoping you hold on, and knowing that you can.

Angela

Thank you, everyone. I am doing better today.

It's funny -- in therapy last time, we talked about choices. I know that to cut or not to cut is a choice I have. But sometimes it makes me angry that I have to consciously make the choice! It makes me angry that I am such a mental health trainwreck that I even consider purposely hurting myself. And when I get angry -- or frustrated -- or overwhelmed -- that's when I want to cut the most.

In the meantime, I'm behaving -- but only because I live in rabid fear of disappointing my therapist. I hate letting other people down, though for some reason I couldn't care less about letting MYSELF down. I guess because I do it so often I just don't notice it anymore.

Thanks everyone for caring and listening. It helps to hear from people who understand this first hand instead of out of a textbook.

Candy

&lt;i&gt;&lt;purple&gt;There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers&lt;/purple&gt;&lt;/i&gt;

Anger is one of my biggest triggers too! I wasn't allowed to get angry when I was a kid. If I got angry I got in trouble. When I got sad I got in trouble. Come to think of it the only emotion I was allowed to show was a smile. If it wasn't a smile then I was a problem and was either ignored or yelled at. Was it the same with you?
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft

Oh man, was it EVER the same for me! My parents' normal method of communication was screaming at the top of their lungs. My dad was an alcoholic with a bad temper and was physically abusive. If I got angry and tried to stand up for myself, hoo boy, did I get it. My mom either stood there and watched or took his side.

It's funny, I read down a list of symptoms of PTSD recently. Any mental health professional who has ever spoken to me for more than 5 minutes has instantly diagnosed me with PTSD, but the flashbacks and stuff aren't usually that frequent for me and that's the only thing I think of when I hear "PTSD." But that list was eye-opening. Did you know one of the symptoms is "extremely inhibited anger"? :-) I'm so afraid of ending up like my parents that I absolutely refuse to get angry at anyone or anything but myself. (Somehow it's easy for me to do that!) My therapist has tried all sorts of things to make me express anger and as good as he is, nothing's worked yet. I'm kind of afraid that if I let it go even a little, I'll end up blowing up the whole world! :-)

&lt;i&gt;&lt;purple&gt;There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers&lt;/purple&gt;&lt;/i&gt;

I equated PTSD with flashbacks too but rarely had them or so I thought until I started paying close attention to my moods. When I started documenting my mood state in an effort to stop my SI I realized that I was having what I started thinking of as emotional flashbacks. The emotion I was feeling was not properly connected to the stituation the triggered it. Being able to seperate the anger as old anger or new (real) anger has helped me to express it better. Not long ago my credit card company raised my interest rates "just because they could". This triggered major emotion in me. Some of it was justified anger but most of it was that old anger. Being able to seperate it out made it possible to get through it without injuring myself. I would say out loud what was old and what was new. I sounded like a mental freak but it worked. I sure did want to cut though. Sigh.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft