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#1
Apr 06, 2015, 06:24 PM
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so, yeah... I suck. when under stress, I always resort back to sh.
Possible trigger:
I have maybe 3-6 more sessions left with her. Do I really want to do this? Last edited by notz; Apr 18, 2015 at 07:57 PM. Reason: added trigger icon |
 Crazy Hitch, Espresso, FallingTears, Fuzzybear, i dont matter, LonesomeTonight, mrmag, tealBumblebee
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#2
Apr 06, 2015, 09:55 PM
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Hang in there (((ThisWayOut)))
Set backs happen. Please forgive yourself. I wanted to say that I am proud of the accomplishment that you did go quite a long time without doing this. I would just like to acknowledge this for you. |
 ThisWayOut
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#3
Apr 07, 2015, 12:38 PM
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Hi ThisWayOut,
"............when under stress, I always resort back to sh" No, you don't  You've coped with some REALLY hard things/memories/feelings without sh, you've had incredible strength and you should be really proud of yourself for that!! Really proud!!! It's "just" that this time the stress got intolerable, right?? And you are trying to deal with something/s many, many, many........people would "struggle" a lot with, so time to give yourself a break over where the build up of that stress led you, hey?? A slip should not define "the bigger picture", the truth in all the times you haven't sh'd despite..........try to remember that, yes?? So you have, in reality, been doing so well. Still stressed, still hurting though..........??? So I'd say that you were right in considering talking to your T about it, maybe she could support you in adding to your coping tools/skills. Although you only have 3-6 sessions left at least she may be able to support you in some practical things that work for you to add to what you've been doing.......or things to start working on for yourself. And if one thing holding you back a bit from talking about it is feeling shameful........please try not to be ashamed. SH is by no means the "easy fix" to an "easy problem" for you is it??!! Not in the slightest!!! And your T should be respectful of your feelings, what you're going through and supportive. So any which way you can drop in a reference to it. You really do deserve her full support. Alison |
| ThisWayOut
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#4
Apr 14, 2015, 08:13 AM
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((((((( ThisWayOut )))))))
__________________
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| ThisWayOut
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| ThisWayOut
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#5
Apr 14, 2015, 02:55 PM
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You have done so well, try not to punish yourself for a slip. It is understandable and if you want to break free, don't let shame stop you raising it with your T. She won't judge you. Be kind to yourself we can all fall down and somehow we get up again.
 
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| tealBumblebee, ThisWayOut
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#6
Apr 15, 2015, 07:44 PM
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Think I tripped something in my head; some switch or there's too much going on or something, because it's feeling out of control tonight. The urges are through the roof for the first time in many months. I haven't done it more than twice a month lately. This week's been three times, and now I'm going on the third time today... haven't been this bad since last July. should have listened to t when she was trying to warn me how difficult this would be.
Someone guilt or shame me into stopping please? |
| tealBumblebee
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#7
Apr 16, 2015, 06:00 AM
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Quote:
Can u call a support line or something to help break the cycle? I feel yr desperation...... Please keep trying not to... It's ugly and demoralizing and sad and you deserve better! Im sure you did listen to the therapist! It's just REALLY TOUGH!! FT |
| ThisWayOut
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#8
Apr 16, 2015, 10:14 AM
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Hi FallingTears,
I managed to refrain from doing more last night, but the urges are still really strong today. I *think* I left T a message last night asking for support, but I'm not really sure. I was very out of it by the time I seriously thought about calling her. I guess if she returns my call today, then I left her a message. If not, then I only meant to. She had mentioned having a chunk of time today to be able to at least check in over the phone, so if I don't hear from her around that time, I will call... Had a really disturbing yet insightful dream last night. I think it too is contributing to the intensity of the urges. A friend mentioned something last night that was hard to hear, but she was likely right. Two of my biggest triggers around my flashbacks are things that are supposed to help you calm down and center. Instead, they remind me of the situations in the flashbacks. It's only been recently that they have been so triggering, but I need to figure out how to get them not to be triggering... |
| Fizzyo
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#9
Apr 16, 2015, 11:40 AM
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| ThisWayOut
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#10
Apr 16, 2015, 04:43 PM
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ended up calling T and admitted how badly this particular assignment had messed me up (which, if I take a step back, isn't as bad as similar stuff has done in the past. It's just "really bad" compared to the last 6 months).
 I committed to refraining from more cutting till I see her tomorrow. I feel bad about going in tomorrow though. I know she has a shortened week again this week, and I am wasting her time with all this crap.  I just need ot find something to make the urges stop. If I could get them to stop, I wouldn't be so messed-up. But something switched on in my head yesterday and I don't get a break from the uges at all. Even my nightmares feed into them... This really sucks. |
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#11
Apr 17, 2015, 03:12 AM
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Hi this way out, if she thinks you need to see her you're not wasting her time. It is her responsibility to make sure she looks after herself too and prioritises her workload. It may not be easy for her, but life is hard for you at the moment. You did right to phone her.
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| FallingTears, ThisWayOut
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#12
Apr 17, 2015, 05:10 AM
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well done for calling your T, that's such a brave step. you're not a failure for SIing you are just in a bad place and trying to cope
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| ThisWayOut
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#13
Apr 17, 2015, 08:14 PM
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T is so nice. I'm not really sure why... I "concerned" her though. I don't mean to... at the moment is more based on history, well ok, that and the sh I was telling her about but... :/
we covered the hw she had given me on Tuesday. She said she gets why it was overwhelming. I guess it "should" be, but I so judge myself very harshly on my inability to handle it. People have gone through a lot worse... I promised to refrain from sh till I see her again. Hoping I can manage. She wants me to call someone before I do anything, and i don't like bugging crisis lines about that, so... just have to not do it. o_O why does this get so hard sometimes? I thought the longer you managed recovery, the harder relapse was... it's certainly not the case here. I feel like I fall back into it at the slightest push. All of this just sucks... |
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#14
Apr 18, 2015, 12:20 AM
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Hi This Way Out
I took a little "holiday" from this forum to see if it helps (NO!) and missed all yr posts! If people's concern for you is judged by the number of responses, u are cared for indeed! I'm glad someone pointed out that that yr therapist is responsible for her workload and not you! Good therapists are VERY GOOD at guarding their boundaries...... Is there a full week until u see her next? A week can be long but you CAN do it!!! AND you can always post yourself silly on here and/or get real world friends to visit you/check in.. Maybe it gets worse before it gets better??? You did go a very long time.... Hope ur ok today and 'new self injury' free... FT |
| ThisWayOut
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#15
Apr 18, 2015, 04:02 PM
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Don't worry about 'bugging crisis lines about self harming it's what they're there for. The Samaritans in UK always tell me I did the right thing and urge me to phone back if I'm struggling with the urges again. I don't always do it as I reason I'm not bad enough or don't deserve to but when they have helped me not to SI they are always pleased. Please, phone away.
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| ThisWayOut
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| FallingTears, ThisWayOut
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#16
Apr 18, 2015, 09:00 PM
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At the moment, I'm a raging *****... I don't know if it's the stuff I finally started to directly process in t, or the constant low-grade flashbacks, or the need to battle sh urges all day, but I'm in such a mood... I want to do a lot of damage right now. I know I shouldn't, but... it would feel so good (even if only for a moment, and even if it was followed by incredible guilt and shame)...
>:|  
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| FallingTears, Fizzyo
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#17
Apr 19, 2015, 06:54 AM
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Quote:
But if it's helping you to get through some horrible hard therapy stuff then maybe it's not 100% bad!! Keep trying.... FT |
| ThisWayOut
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#18
Apr 19, 2015, 10:47 AM
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Quote:
the thought that had helped last night was that I will never get past this point if I don't respond to the overwhelm differently. This is always where I get stuck, and the focus of therapy shifts to crisis intervention rather than processing. I need to get through the processing piece. I also don't like being in a space that worries my T. I don't want to be that client that has her holding her breath hoping I show up to the next session. but it's SO hard right now... I can't get the flashbacks to stop or slow...
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| FallingTears, Fizzyo
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#19
Apr 19, 2015, 11:02 AM
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Keep going as best you can Thiswayout, the worst times do pass, I read back to where you say some things that should be calming are triggering. I find that too, especially some types of relaxation or mindfulness exercises, I find it best to avoid them and use alternatives when I'm bad, or more active distraction. If I need to slow down and try to calm myself I use a breathing pattern that I like or try to concentrate on my body, pressure where I'm sitting/lying, what bits hurt or feel good and then concentrate on the part of my BODY feels best and what it feels like in that part to feel good, all the while concentrating on the pressure from the seat/bed/my feet and the safe room that I'm in so I don't drift away to unsafe thoughts or flashbacks. I may be talking out of place,but it's what helps me. Remember we want you to be safe. Be kind to yourself!
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| ThisWayOut
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| ThisWayOut
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#20
Apr 20, 2015, 10:02 AM
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so, this sticking to change is REALLY hard... I find myself thinking about sh and sui more and more earnestly, kinda like a little kid being ignored so screaming to get attention. I SO want to be able to tell T tomorrow that I did good this weekend and I kept away from the sh...
Possible trigger:
my head kinda feels like it's gonna explode. there's a crazy battle going on internally, but I SO want things to be different this time... everything's intensifying though. The flashbacks, the body memories, the urges to sh... I'm afraid if I give in to any of those thoughts, it will mean I failed completely. stupid black&white thinking... grr. I even told T friday that I felt like I needed to do everything perfectly for her, and that any slip would mean failure. She kinda just looked at me and shook her head. Intellectually, I know I can't do things perfectly, never will. I know there will be slips, but I NEED to do this right just for this weekend. Then I can tell her I did good, and maybe she'd be proud of that effort, and maybe I'll have done something right for a change... and holy cow am I recognizing this as transference right now... :/ I kinda might just need to scream into a pillow for a while... 
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| FallingTears, Fizzyo
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#21
Apr 20, 2015, 02:29 PM
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I think she will be proud, you're putting in SO much effort, even if you 'slip' you held off so long. I really hope the screaming helped and you make it, but whatever, BE KIND TO YOURSELF!!
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| ThisWayOut
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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