[bchlyn]

we celebrate on christmas eve... and things went so much better then i could have imagined...but this afternoon... the memories and flashes have taken over my thoughts... and that is causing all the urges... i want to c*t but if i do i will have to tell my t... but at the same time... i need them to stop... i know i need to look at them closer...but i loose them to quickly... i know i am rambling

[Cthomas]

You can do this. one more day...one more minute at a time till those urges go away. Im here for you if you want to chat. YOu are better than this. this is a coping mechanism, I can help you cope. we can talk if you want?

HUGS.....

Colleen

[bchlyn]

ty... i have been in a bad cycle for awhile...but i have gone 18 days.

[Cthomas]

GOOD FOR YOU!!!! thats great! lets keep it up just another day ok? another hour? another couple of minutes?

All we can ask of you is to try. You are better than this right? you must be because you are reaching for help. What can I do to help right now? need to unload whats on your mind? im here...waiting. so either reply to this post or pm me ok?

Im here and the hugs are being sent right now...

Colleen

[bchlyn]

i am not sure i am better then this... but i am trying... the truth is i just don't want to be exposed when i tell my t... he pushed me really hard the last time... i hadn't si for several years... but the past 2 years have been hard

[bchlyn]

i need to go get grounded... thank you for listening

[Cthomas]

Have faith in your self. we are all better than this. we just have a hard time accepting that sometimes. I know I battle with those thoughts daily. One more day, just try for one more day right now. all we can ask of ourselves is that we try. I know its hard. trust me. I have been doing this for 20 years. I just made 30 days. YOU ARE STRONGER than SI. You have to believe it. I believe it. Just take a minute at a time, and talk yourself through it. Its all the pain you are going through that is causing it. Take all your old memories and put them in a bag. Just put them away for a few minutes.

Take a breath, now another...you can get through tonite.
Im here waiting.

Colleen

[jacq10]

(((((((((bchlyn)))))))))))

You CAN do this. Like Colleen said, just take things one at a time. This is a very overwhelming time for anyone, so try and distract yourself if it will help? Go watch a movie, or read a book ... call up someone and just get the to TALK with you. It doesn't have to be anything remotely related to SI even... sometimes its just good to hear another's voice, that should help to get you grounded...

We're hear for you .. keep posting, and keep us updated.
Try and stay safe ok??


Jacq

[Christina86]

((((((((((bchlyn))))))))))))))

I hope you got yourself a little bit more grounded. Have you seen the pinned topic about things to do instead of SIng (at the top of this forum)?

Be good to yourself, you are important.

[GoodMama]

((((((((bchlyn))))))) I hope you made it thru the night and things are looking better for you today! Like everyone said ... just take it a minute, an hour, or a day at a time. You're better than SI ... you can do it! Have faith in yourself just as the people here have faith in you. You <u>deserve</u> to be happy! YOU <u>are</u> valuable! God doesn't make JUNK!

Trying to be a GoodMama

[Perna]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
bchlyn said:
i am not sure i am better then this... but i am trying... the truth is i just don't want to be exposed when i tell my t... he pushed me really hard the last time... i hadn't si for several years... but the past 2 years have been hard

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
I don't know where you cut but maybe if you pick out a "public" place (arm/leg) and also pick out clothing to wear to T that shows that place (teeshirt/short-sleeved blouse, shorts/skirt) and mark the spot with marker or something it will help keep you from cutting, remind you of what's at stake and how much you and your T are together on not wanting you to?

[bchlyn]

ty... i am sorry if i worried you... when the flashbacks hit...it's really hard for me to distance myself from them...i was able to get a little more grounded last night... i didn't si

[bchlyn]

thank you for the ideas... i know i have been in a really bad cycle and i know he is justifiably concerned about me... even if i don't want him to be...but right now what keeps me from si... is i don't want to have to show him what i did... he has me keep a chart so i can see all the days i don't follow through...and he usually pushes me to talk about what triggered it... and that is hard...but the last time he wanted me to tell him what i did... and how i did it... in detail... i just shut down... so he asked me to write it out for him... but the truth is... until i don't want it... i won't get back to where it isn't powerful.
i tried the marker... but it kind of back fired... and he sees ice as bad as when i cut... he doesn't want me to use pain to escape...i know i don't make much sense.

[_Hope_]

((((((((((((((((bchlyn)))))))))))))))))))

Hang in there

Linda

[bchlyn]

i am really tired of trying... i have no clue where the urges are coming from this morning... i can't begin to figure out the trigger... i woke up triggered... and if i call my t... like he wants me to... i will have to talk...grrrrr... and don't have a clue of what to tell him... if i c*t ... i will feel better for awhile... and right now awhile sounds really good... i guess i need to make a phone call

[Cthomas]

Sometimes theres no rhyme or reason for triggers.

Need to talk? im here.....

take care...let me know.

colleen

[GoodMama]

I think you just answered your own question, bchlyn. Yeah, it's time to make a phone call to your T, Honey ... it's time to let someone help you if you're not strong enough right now. I hope things will look brighter after you do ... and I hope you'll keep us posted?

BTW, have you read the thread "Reasons not to ..." here at the top of the SI forum? One thing really stood out for me when I read it ... "I think I'll show them, but when you really think about it, does it make sense that you were hurt so now you should be hurt more?" Do you really want the bas$#@d who abused you to WIN? I know you don't!

If you think I can help you, please do NOT hesitate to PM me! I won't judge you and I don't run. (((((Bchlyn)))))

I'm really trying to be a GoodMama

[bchlyn]

ty...guys...sometimes just giving voice to the urges helps...not so much today... i don't think si for me has ever been about getting even with my abusers... it's more like a way not to feel and stop the panic... when the urges come out of the blue like this they really are harder...maybe they are just left over from the other night when i was getting flooded with memories...i know none of this makes any sense.

[Cthomas]

You make a lot of sense..... You need to give yourself a break. You are a good person. you are reaching out for help. and Im here waiting if you need somebody to talk to tonite to get through one more night. OK?

Im here, and waiting. if you need help im the just the person to help!!!! :-)

Take care. I am thinking about you. were in the same boat these days. Ive had urges too. so it helps to talk it out. What started it all? just memories of past abuse? is it worth it to give the satisfaction of them winning? you are winning by not cutting. Please try to not cut?

PM me. Im waiting. OK

Colleen

[Kiya]

yeah you make plenty sense, lyn. SI for me has never been about getting even, either - just stopping the panic or paybacks for feeling or telling ppl about histroy. these days alcohol has been a good numb-ing thing. I mean *bad*. bad numbing thing.
*sigh*... you're both in a tight spot right now, eh? keep reaching out.... reach far enough and you'll get hold of one of us in person. I'm sorry you're hurting so bad. =(

i bought bandaids with a unicorn on it that is crying. offers two over*... to put on the ouch.

[bchlyn]

i never called my t...i haven't cut... thank you, your listening helps a lot... i told myself that if i still had urges after i ran on the treadmill for 40 min i would use ice... i know that he doesn't like me to do that either ...the treadmill has calmed me...so i am doing better.

i don't know how to describe the memories... i guess they are flashbacks...one is just kind of a kid memory of pretending to be asleep at my grandma's ... i have always remembered that...but it seems really powerful since christmas... and the other is a picture not a real event that i remember...just like a snapshot... it's not such a good picture though.... and when they hit... they take on a life of their own... i have had them before but this one is more powerful...i am rambling again... thanks for listening

kiya.. thank you for the bandaid... ...i wish you didn't have to feel this pain... i wish i could take it from you

i started si when i was really little... about 9... but it wasn't anything like now... i went about 12 years without when my boys were teens... and a doctor who stitched my hand figured out what i did... back then they looked at it differently then they do now... and i started again 2 years ago... wish i could figure out how i stopped.

lyn

[Kiya]

i have actually thrown ice - when i was super super mad. I grabbed a bunch and threw the cubes one at a time across the street - hard as i could - until i was calm. i think i squeezed it first, and then when it burned i threw it. maybe you could try that one?

So glad you made it through today. On to tomorrow, one day at a time. Right there with you. Kiya

[bchlyn]

i hsven't tried throwing it either... i squeeze it... and sometimes it helps a bit...but not enough...i am glad your ok... stay safe...lyn