[ThePainNeverDies]

I hate to think that this is SI, because it means that Connor has seen me SI'ing. i like to think that he's never seen me do it.

Basically, Connor (boyfriend) and I, had a huuuuge argument yesterday. I gotso, so angry because he said some really deep, hurtful things. So.. Of course, I took offence. And got angry. Plus the fact that he was being quite demanding, his tone was quite threatening, I took the defensive because that is, I feel, my way to survive.. to get defensive. So this just made the situation worse, he got angrier, I got angrier and I started whacking ymself across the head. I do this a lot when i get incredibly angry, but never to the point that I did yesterday. I did it so hard and so much, that hours later, I almost passed out every time I touched my head. Could I have caused myself some serious damage to the head?

So, yeah.. my head is still really, really hurting today and I spoke to sky and had a rant and stuff and even she said "Kirst, it's have a break or get worse." I don't want it to get worse and for us to keep on like this, but I just think.. he caught me at the wrong time, because someone had already really p*ssed me off the night before, got me so upset I was sobbing for hours, to the point that I was sick. I just think I needed another blast off and him being nasty and such gave me the ammo to do it. but he used such horrid ammo against me and I hated it, i really hated it.. When i spoke to Sky, she was gobsmacked. She couldn't believe that Connor was using things from my past, about my adoptive family, to do with me, Against Me!! How unfair is that? Wouldn't YOU get angry if someone did that to you? Had been so understanding at the time, but almost 3 years on, decides to use it against you to win an argument?

The argument was just over my room being messy, I'd tidied my room and cleared lots of rubbish into lots of little carrier bags and left them by the bin ready to go out. I had meant to do it that morning, but completely forgot. So he went off on one at me for it. I'd tried my best. At least you could see the floor, unlike normally.

I just.. My head hurts and I feel like I'm gonna faint every time I touch it. I didn't even notice unntil I was brushing my hair to a silky, soft sheen yesterday. I love my hair. It's my favourite part of me. It's so glossy and sleek and soft and silky. I'm constantly touching my hair. Yet I pull it out sometimes.. It falls out anyway because of all this *******ed stress.

Yeah, back to the point. Was that SI? And.. i remember pinching my chest so hard, i think I left a bruise or two.. Or even cuts. Was this SI?

I want to go and curl up in a ball and hide away from the whole world and cry.

[Sannah]

I think that it is SI. Why is your room Connor's business? This seems like a boundary crossing on his part........

[cantstopcrying]

Originally Posted by ThePainNeverDies

because he said some really deep, hurtful things... Plus the fact that he was being quite demanding, his tone was quite threatening... he caught me at the wrong time, because someone had already really p*ssed me off the night before, got me so upset I was sobbing for hours, to the point that I was sick. I just think I needed another blast off and him being nasty and such gave me the ammo to do it. but he used such horrid ammo against me and I hated it, i really hated it..

I know this wasn't your question, but don't you think Connor is not being healthy for you right now? This isn't the first time in the very recent past you guys have argued. But it's not just the arguing, it the things above. Saying deep hurtful things to anyone is bad, but to one you know is already hurting is unacceptable. Never ever should he have a threatening tone with you, even if nothing came it, it's the tone that matters (when my girls say "fine" or something like that and I reprimand them, they often say, "All I said was ______" and I say, in a really nasty ugly hateful voice, "I love you." Then I say, "see, it makes a big difference how it is said. The words mean the same, but the tone doesn't."). I know Connor has his own depression issues right now, too, but that in no way gives him the right to talk to you like this or to cross that boundry about getting upset at you regarding your room. It is, by defination YOUR room. Not his. Think about, K, and think about yourself first.

[phoenix7]

yes its self injury and yes you can damage yourself - concussion if you hit your head bad enough - Im sorry that you got so worked up and upset that you did this

If conner is using things from your past - thats really hurtful, you break down the walls and tell someone somthing about your past that hurts but you share it with them because you trust them and then they use it against you - thats bad

- how are you going at finding a therapist? I hope things get better for you soon P7

[Irine]

ho i am so sorry that you had someone piss you off. I know this feeling very well. and i know that at moments of stress we do tend to need the pain.

Yes you did SI. It`s obvious- especially if it still hurts. Do you have a therapist? Does he/she teachs you self control? Methods of dealing with a stressful situation?

[ThePainNeverDies]

I know, I know, lots of people have asked how MY room is Connor's business..

I know.. Laura said today, when I went to see her that all people use their bf's gf's flaws to hurt them in an argument, to win the argument, to really put a punchline on their point. Make You Listen Grab your attention. Which, is fair enough.. He apologised today for being such a tw*t. He knows he hurt me and I told him that. i couldn't hold back. He's done the whole "I love You" in a harsh tone thing, and yes, it works.. It makes me realise taht I'm sying things in a harsh tone and such. Of course my room being a mess angers him because he knows that my room being a mess depresses me, but tidying my room doesn't lift my mood, just frustrates me when i can't do something.. *sigh*

Sorry, I'm in an awful state right now.. i could do with hearing a friendly voice and just blubbing down the phone, or to someone's face. I really could

He knew he would catch my attention by what he said, but he also knew that it'd make me extremely upset and angry. He didn't think about that until I was screaming and pulling my hair, punching my bed, then myself.. He told me to calm down, but how could I when he'd touched a really sore spot?!!

He's lucky I didn't slap him. He's lucky I can't hit people.. When he punched my wall, I almost punched him, I had that much anger, but I just grabbed him and pulled him away. He sobbed, I stared at him defiantly, forcing myself not to cry.. Like I used to, back when i was with The Adoptive "Family", if a tear ran down my face, I'd wipe it away, viciously, scraping my face with what nails I have left after biting them. I did the same this time, I slapped my hand to my face and I tore the tears away, making my face red raw. I didn't care. I felt pathetic, I looked at him sobbing and thought "look at you. I haven't been nasty one bit. yes I've screamed and shouted but that's because you've screamed and shouted.. And you're crying, but I'm not." I was so angry, I was sick, but gulped it down to save dirtying my room anymore. Wouldn't want to upset him anymore now, would I?

He won't get help. I told him that HE makes ME do all the hard work, getting a new therapist, sortinmg out MY anger issues, sorting out MY "f*cked up head" (yes, he;s said that before), talking to people about MY issues, Me going out of My way to say sorry to HIM. He won't get help because "they all say to break up with you because you're the one causing my anger, causing my depression" and all that bulls**t. Huh. That's because he only tells his side of the story.. I don't say anything, I don't tell my counsellor about the argument. Or if I do, I tell it from HIS point of view, I don't defend myself, I tell them I shouted and screamed, but that was because he said such NASTY, conniving, hurtful things and took an anrgy tone with me. I tell them how he says "taking a calm, collected tone with you and just saying tidy your room, doesn't work. I've tried it before."

I told Connor that, had he been calm with me about the self harm for longer, I'd have stopped by now.. For the 8 months or so that I did stop, he was fine, but as soon as I started again, he started to get angry.. I wasn't used to it.. It didn't help, so I'd cut again, so he'd get angry, I'd cut again and so on.. he doesn't believe it would've stopped me had he carried on being calm about it, and I don't believe there'e any way I'll prove it to him unless he does try to be calm about it.

He's f*cking lucky I didn't take the pills that night. I was so, so *******ed close to it. Too close i had my tools to cut horrifically badly, I had the pills to take, I had the alcohol in the room to cause more damage. I could have ended it there and then. But did I? NO! Because I KNEW that he would just say "oh for *****'s sake, stupid cow. What'd she go and do that for? She's f*cked up MY life even more now". and because I knew that I would sort it out, some way, somehow. I got through it. Does he notice? No. I didn't even mention the fact that I could've done it but didn't, to him, because I knew he'd just say, sarcastically "Oh well done you."
Did he say anything about the fact that my room was Clean AND Tidy today? No. He just says "are you happy with your kicthen?" I said "eh? What about it? The fact that it's CLEAN? That I Cleaned It??!!" "yeah, the fact that it's clean." I just shrugged my shoulders and said; "meh, Spose" pissed off that he didn't even acknowledge the fact that I'd done it for HIS benefit, to make HIM happy, to prove HIM wrong, prove ME right, that I could do it if I CHOSE TO. The only thing that would have made me happy would have been if he'd have said "Wow, your kitchen looks great. I'm so glad you clenaed it up. You did a good job of it." Or something like that, you know? It'd just be nice that, despite being in agony because of my effing IBS, i still dragged myself out of bed and reluctantly cleaned up ready for him to come over.

Pff. I hate this, I really do. And now I have people using and abusing me, yet AGAIN!
Yeah it may only be shampoo.. But still.. Charlene was on msn to me earlier and I asked what she was up to, she said "I just had a bath and I'm on the computers now.. Oh.. And by the way, I used some of your shampoo.." I asked her.. "Why did you use MY shampoo?" "oh..uh.. I couldn't find mine" Pff more like she couldn't be f*cked to even look for it!!! So i said "well.. You could have at least asked me first." she said "soz" in such an unmeaningful way, I carried on saying "I don't appreciate people just taking my stuff and using it." Then she said sorry more sincerely and said she'd ask next time. I admit, i'd left it in her room, but that's no invitation to just use it.. Normally, I'd have felt guilty even thinking of saying that, but I'm fed up of people just thinking "ahhh ***** her, she doesn't care. I'll just use her stuff. I'll just ask her for her money and not pay her back, make up excuses not to pay her. I'll keep asking her to buy me food, when she can barely even afford her own.." I'm sick an tired of it.

I feel like.. like no-one likes me for ME. That they'll only like me if I buy stuff for them, that they'll hate me if I don't. Well now, I just say to myself "***** them! If they don't like me because I'm looking after ME for once, that's their problem, not mine!" So, I'm putting my foot down. I've had enough. I'm speaking how I feel now and if I want to cry, I'll cry. I'll shout, I'll moan, I'll cry out when someone hurts me and make a fuss if it's in class. I'll be ME. I'll get friends myself, by being myself. I don't need people who hate me because they ain't me!

*sigh* I'm in quite an angry and solemn mood.. If you read my last post in my thread in survivors of abuse, you'll see why..

I'm still looking for a T, P7. It's long, slow process.. I'm finishing my sessions with the useless, nasty, perverted Alec, breaking free from everyone that's hurting me, and taking care of me. I don't need people to hurt me anymore. I've suffered enough.

[cantstopcrying]

I have a very hard question for you honey. You said you are breaking free from people that hurt you and you are taking care of you.....Does that include Connor? Honey, if you can look at this from an outside point of view, this relationship as you describe it is not healthy at all. There should be no punching of walls, no screaming, no using hurtful things against you. There should be no shoving, no pulling. It scares me quite a lot to worry what will happen next. What if one of you gets pushed over the edge? I read and re-read this last post and in one breath you are so angry at him and in the next you are almost defending him, saying he rants at you about your room because he knows it bothers you. But if it bothered you enough you would either clean it or ask for help. You cleaned it to make HIM happy, not to make YOU happy. Really the messy room is just a catalyst for bigger issues with you two. I worry about you. Don't tell me you'll be ok, either; that he would never hurt you. He already has. I honestly do not want to upset you, I adore you; however, I think if you are determined to rid your life of the people that are toxic to you, you need to really look at your relationship with Connor. I hope you don't walk but run to your new t to help you get things straightened out. Don't you let that shining star start to dim!

[ThePainNeverDies]

No.. At the moment, it doesn't include him.. I want to prove to me, him, his family and everyone else that we can make it happen, we can be happy together.. I know that my messy room doesn't help my depression.. I do feel better having cleaned it, I look forward to walking into my room, smelling the fresh, clean,. lemony smeel of my clean kitchen, then I look around the rest of my room and think 'next, I will hoover.' I've always hated cleaning and tidying, always. Always had to be moaned at to do it. I had a few months when I first moved in where I'd clean my surfaces every time I cooked, I'd hoover and tidy my room every weekend. I took such pride in my room. But as the depression progressed, my tidiness regressed. I'm trying to keep my room clean and tidy now because it's so much better for my mental health.

I know you're worried one of us will get pushed over the edge.. I know.. But.. I'm learning not to get so riled up at him when he takes an angry tone, not to get defensive but just to sound "normal" and say "you think so? Maybe you're right." to shock him, make him realise that actually, I'm not going to rise up to the bait. Kind of like how I had to live when I was with Shana and that awful family. That'll cause him to be knocked backwards., he'll have no-one to argue with and he'll be the one in the wrong in the end and he'll have no-one to argue with, therefore there will be no more fights.

*sigh* I know. I just.. I don't want to give up yet. I want to keep on fighting this, I want to prove to him that we Can and Will Get Through It. I want to prove to myself that I can do it. I'm stubborn. I won't give up until I win. yes, I gave up once before, but.. I'm getting there slowly.. I'm trying.

I know the relationship's not healthy at all and that is why I'm MAKING him do something about it, work with me, not against me. Yeah he's got college work on top of him, but ffs!! So have I!!! I have crap loads of writing to do, crap loads of rehearsing and singing lessons and practice to do, yet I still manage to fit OUR relationship in, I still manage to meet him every morning, every evening even when I don't want to walk home in the dark.. I still do it... So, it's his turn to put some damned effort in. I should be the one sitting back for a while. Not doing more work to make our relationship work. I'm pulling all the weight at the moment, and I just don't need it. I'm getting s**t at home, he's not. I'm getting s**t from my peers and lecturers at college, he's not, I'm getting s**t from that Adoptive Family - STILL! He's not. I'm also getting s**t for not learning songs, or getting lyrics, or listening to songs.. I have 2 gigs to prepare for, plus a theory exam, plus my singing exam. He doesn't. I have money to save to pay for therapy, he doesn't. The list is endless. I'm giving him the ultimatum, the kick up the arse and if he doesn't pull his weight.. Well.. I don't know, but I'll do something about it.

I just want to be happy. I want to glow, not just be a dim little light. Be the bright star that I can be, just like my Foster Dad taught me to be. Just thinking about him and how he kept me going as a kid, made sure he told me every day how special I am.. Makes me want to do this for him, if not for myself. I know he'd be proud of me for becoming stronger and more determined. He would. If he's the only one IRL, then so be it. He's more to me than anyone on this Earth. he moulded me to be a Princess, his little Princess, to be a star, to glow and love and shine and be..

Be Me.

[cantstopcrying]

Good for you! That's the healthiest I've heard you sound in a long time! You hold tight that thought about your dad (I'm not putting 'foster' because anyone that loves you like that is a dad with no prefix!). I'm glad you are starting to realize all this and I know how hard some of this stuff is. Make sure...make sure that you do honestly put you first, your health (mental and physical) comes before anything. Because someday, when I'm listening to the radio, a tear will slide down my cheek because I knew you when.

[phoenix7]

Your dad sounds like a lovely man I am glad you have him - and I look forward to seeng your star shine all the way from Oz

[ThePainNeverDies]

Thankyou..

Today has been tough.. Awfully tough.. We had to watch a play instead of doing our performance lesson.. And guess what it was allllll about?! Death. Deth, blood, tears, anger and war. I was sat there almost in tears, I kept sighing, breathing really heavily to stop the tears from coming.. And now.. I just want to cry.

I'm emotionally and physically drained today.. I need something - Or someone to cheer me up. Connor went home early so I haven't seen him since this morning, so I'm a bit peed off with that because I always wait around for him when i have 3 hours or so off, instead of going home

I just.. i don't have my Dad.. And that's the one thing I want most.. My Dad.. Not my birth Dad neccessarily, although I would love to have known him and to meet him and know him, but my Foster Dad because he.. Well.. He gives me strength. *sob* here I go again I can't put anything about me first without helping others, i just don't feel like i can do it..

One of my friends is goig to be homeless tomorrow.. She's devastated.. she's 18, she doesn't live very near me, has no money to come and stay with me, and.. And she's giving up she's not the type to give up, be depressed.. Never, she's always the one that keeps me going.. Gemma is always there.. And now, I'm the one holding her up, which I love to do because she's given me so much, I owe it to her..

As someone who's been there, done it, got through it and is still going through it, I'm the best person she could turn to.. I feel like i sound big-headed, but I know I don't, because I know for a fact that only someone who's been through it too can help in the best way.. I've urged her to go and see people from college, she's done that now and I will find out tonight what will be happening.. She's someone that suffers because of Charlene, Tash and everyone else just taking advantage of me.. Because I so want to give her the money to get here, to come and stay with me for a couple of nights, but I just don't trust that I'll get it back.. It's not because it's her, it's because of the others.. Charlene and friends.. So Gemma suffers because of their f*cking personality traits of just taking people's money, taking their stuff without asking!

I hate it! I hate it, i hate it, I hate it!! I just want to help the poor girl.. Yeah she may be older than me, but.. She's just not so.. Ready, so.. Mature.. Enough to be able to survive in the streets.. Iwas because I knew how to fight against the odds.. I knew how to fight people and how to protect myself because I had to do it for 11 years against that f*cking family.. She hasn't.. And just because she's 18 and can't get a job, her Mother is kicking her out.. I HAVE to help her..

*sigh* I just wish. Just wish so much that Dad was here.. Was here to keep me going, to make me feel special and loved again and like I can do anything.. But now.. i feel so helpless

[ThePainNeverDies]

And CSC, my CD is being copied over the weekend hopefully and I will be sending them off to whoever wants them, so will need addresses and such.

[cantstopcrying]

I will message you with my address!
I know you are such a feeling and caring young lady, it's breaking your heart about Gemma. The best thing you can do right now is to let her know you are there for her. You can't try to solve her problems for her. Unfortunately, the thing about lending money is to only lend it if you never expect to get it back. Remember, your newly stated goal is to take care of you first! Surround yourself with positive people and work on you.

[ThePainNeverDies]

I have let her know I'm there for her and she seems to be getting along ok, taking in what I say and incorporating it into her everyday life. She didn't want to take time off college to sort out her housing, because her lecturers wouldn't let her, but I said "Just go and get the person you go and see to either call them, talk to them face to face, or write a letter for you to give to them when you next see them". She said she would go and see the person today. I hope something's getting done asap because she's out tomorrow

I figured something out today that I've never spoken about before.. And just blocked out.. i was talking to someone online from SWEDA at the time.. She asked why Bryony (my twin) also threatened to beat me to a pulp if I so much as breathed a word about Thomas sexually abusing me.. I said I wasn't sure.. Then it suddenly clicked..

I looked back to then, and remembered something that I'd blocked out all these 7 years that I've not said a thing about..
I remember so vividly now, Bryony was also my abuser.. Sexual Abuser as well as Thomas THAT'S why both him and her said "Don't you dare say ANTHING, not ONE word about this 'sex stuff' to ANYONE or I'll beat you to a pulp.." I understand now.. I remember being in the room with her and 2 of her friends... And they got me to take all my clothes off *gulps*. Because I'd developed more quickly than all of them.. Then they all started "practising" stuff on me.. It was horrible.. They made me do it to them. I didn't want to, but they forced me.. At the time, I thought it was just harmless fun, but as soon as she said what she did about not saying anything about it, I knew it was wrong.. I just wish I'd said something.. And now, 7 years on, I still doubt myself as to whether it was actually abuse because I did it to them too, even if I was forced.. See? I doubt myself so much.. Was it sexual abuse from her? And her friends?

*sigh* I feel so stupid, like such an idiot, like I should have said something, done something.. And now I feel like whacking my head again. But this time on a wall..

[cantstopcrying]

NO WHACKING!! It is abuse. Yes, it is. I'm sorry honey but when someone takes advantage of you like that, forces you to do things with threats, it's abuse. Of course you did it, you were threatened. What a hard, hard revelation. But maybe having this knowledge resurface will help you to better understand a lot of other things. You could say "if only" or "If I would have" or "If I wouldn't have" until the day you die and it won't change anything. You did what you had to do to survive. From what I've heard, you had every reason to believe your twin would carry out the threat. There is no reason at all to feel stupid--you didn't "let" this happen to you; those other kids knew it was bad and wrong, that's why they threatened you. They knew they could scare you into not telling. That's what abusers do. NO WHACKING

[phoenix7]

it sounds like you had no control then - they forced you - so you must not blame yourself - and dont hit yourself in the head! you sound like you are in a lot of pain and I wish I had more to offer you than cyber hugs please take care of you - i hope your friend finds somwhere to stay - can she contact the local council - sometimes they will put you up for a couple of days if you are thrown out - or the salvos?

[ThePainNeverDies]

Maybe.. I don't know.. I just. Hmmm. It's confusing and it's hurting me even more
Just.. Well.. Only just figuring it out and having to think about it again and again, talk about it to people, to help me to figure it out.. I haven't told Connor because 1. I don't want to add to his stresses and worry him even more 2. I don't want to get him angry (at my sister) and 3. He'll probably think I'm lying and it's just another thing to *** to the pile of s**t that I have to deal with.

I didn't whack my head in the end. I was too drained to do it.. I got into bed and cuddled up to my covers for some form of comfort. I was exhausted yesterday, so fell asleep quite early.. Well.. Early for me. I think it was about 1am when i got to sleep, because some complete and utter arse was banging on my wall for no reason!! Somebody was not a happy bunny.

Maybe because I was the youngest in the group.. They knew I'd be easy to threaten into doing something I didn't want to.. And yes, my sister most probably would have carried it out. Although she is the type for empty threats, but she'd love to have beaten me yet again..

Gemma seems happy enpough at the moment, she's seeing some people at college to get her a place to stay, which is great. If they can't find her anywhere to stay but can get her some money, she'll be coming to stay with me for a few days so that'll keep me going. I hope.