I didn't even cut...

Big mistake!

I told my T that I bought a SI tool.

He freaked out.

He is about to terminate our therapy and do a 5150 (involuntary hospital evaluation).

I shouldn't have told him.

I just thought--what is the point of going to therapy if you are going to keep secrets, right?

I thought it would help, to tell him.

Now I just feel scared. And I don't want to see him anymore. But now if I terminate, he will "take action". He knows my mom's phone number, my address and the pdoc I am seeing.

Geeeeeesssss! What do I do????

First of all, stop for a moment and take a deep breath. Your T didn't terminate. That's a good thing. You're not in the hospital now, right? That's one more good thing. Ts are people too, and sometimes they freak out (mine did that once). Second thing, did he actually said that he will terminate? It might be some kind of misunderstanding. Can you call your T or write an email to sort things out?

And the most important thing: stay safe. Ok?

he said he would terminate if I cut.

he said he wanted me to give him my SI tool or throw it away, or he would terminate.

Wow, he didn't want to discuss why you want to SI?

He sounds like he was scared - scared for you - he hasnt terminated - and he hasnt sent you to hospital - do you have another appointment? did he ask you why you SI or offer any other alternatives to try?

its hard isnt it - you know you need help - but you are scared of the help - and yet you know you need it -

Hang in there and let us know how you go - things can gt better but its hard ..... take care and stay safe P7

I told him about the buying the SI tool in an email.

He emailed back outlining his policy on cutting. Saying in each bullet how if i did this he would terminate and if i did that he would terminate...

Then he said we would discuss it further on Monday and to be prudent over the weekend.

It just now, this minute, hit me--he said be prudent. not be safe.

It feels like he said--be smart or I'll abandon you.

it is smart to be safe is it not?

Yes it is smart to be safe. Very smart.
You are right.

I guess it struck me odd, just now. It feels like I have been given an ultimatum.

I would have been nice to get a little nurturance.

But, maybe nurturance isn't what I need. Maybe mollycoddling isn't the answer.

Maybe I need a douse of the smarts.

it works for me L, i wouldnt force you to do anything myself, but, being safe for me lets me be safe for others and they can then do the same for themselves, letting us all be safe i wish you speed in your recovery and thank you for letting me respond to you

I'm sorry that you are going through so much pain right now and that for whatever reason your therapist has taken the position he has. He is human and has your best interest at hand. P7 mentioned that he might be scared and I wonder about that also. But if he is then I hope you can discuss that with him. I don't know your history, if SI'ing has led to suicide attempts then he might have a point about hospitalization but terminating b/c you are talking about it seems pretty drastic. That being said, I am writing this cautiously b/c I am not a therapist.

Maybe he thinks that giving you this warning will give you the incentive you need not to SI.

I can hear from your post that you now feel like you have more stress. Do you think that you could talk to your therapist about how to move forward from here but still maintain an open and honest line of communication? It seems to me and I may be really wrong but that in order for him to know what is going on he needs to know when you are at that point. Maybe there is a way to "catch it" before it gets to this point and you can work on that.

I hope that you are able to remain safe and find some common ground when you speak to him.

Please keep us posted, you are not alone in your experience.

Must feel good to have soemone who cares and is willing to work with you. Think thats what he is saying. I told you before to throw away the toools as you call it. But think actually turning them over to him will instill the faith as a contract. Think he was harsh but he knows you and maybe thats how he needs to respond to your urges. I wouldnt know b\c I dont have a t or whatever. But glad you emailed him and he replied. Keep up the good job by not SHing. Takes a strong person to not act on the urges.

Ty Tmac.

I haven't acted on my urges. And that IS a good thing.

Other than scratching with my hives with my sharp fingeranils, and sometimes they bleed, but i can't seem to resist doing that.

I hope that is better than breaking out the tool and using it.

But the blood from the hives feeds the urges to use the tool.
That is why I bought the tool. I kept seeing the blood from my scratching.

Sounds dumb, huh?

I'm not someone who SI's, but I followed this from the psychotherapy thread as it really struck a cord with us over there.

I think your T is authoritarian, and based on the email you posted and everything in the past, I don't like your T. I think you need to tell your "OCD T" this stuff.

He sounds more like he wants to be in control of you rather than help you.
Very sad to hear this. I'm sorry.

Tell the T you see for OCD, and get another therapist if possible.

im wondering if the SI tool is a 'bartering' instrument? im defining it as the object over which each side struggles for control?

My T would let me to explore why I wanted to S.I and never give me any instructions on what I should do with my tools. Wondering if your T has an accreditated licence for therapy?

Berries, how did the appt go today?

He canceled the appointment.
But he re-scheduled it for today at 4pm.
Ty very much for asking.

wishing you the best of luck today,

bringing him the tool could be good, and I agree, he probably is being tough to make it stop.
My T wasn't quite so strong, she didn't say terminate but she DID say she would send me to the hospital. The idea was , that if I was SI'ing she clearly was not doing enough for me, and I needed more care x.x

(hospitals = WORST place for me)
but how else can T's help us?

wishing you the best of luck

Berries,
I am also wondering what your t had to say and how things are going. As far as t's helping us, I think some times the best thing they can do and I guess it depends on their background and on the patient; is not hospitalize or terminate.
I was in a situation when I did cut myself, it was like the 3rd time I did it and ended up needing stiches. Because I was not suicidal and my cuts were on my upper arm it never occured to me that the hospital would detain me.
They called my t and when they got in touch with him and he urged them not to hospitalize me and then spoke with me on the phone and helped me to relax. They trusted his assesment and allowed me to leave.
I had a t that did hospitalize me and threaten to terminate when I was not following his rules. I have this HUGE fear of staying in hospitals (childhood) so the other therapist just made things worse. When I needed major knee surgery my dad flew 3000 miles to stay with me for 5 days in the hospital b/c I was so terrified.
Anyway, I think that my therapist can help, by not hospitalizing me or terminating but rather helping me to look at why I feel the need to hurt myself and how that impacts my life. What thoughts I have and where they dervive from and how I can make changes so that I can deal with my feelings of not feeling like I am worthy etc...
I guess the message at least for me is that this is my life and if I am going to hurt myself then that is horrible enough and hospitalizing me is not going to help.
I know that I am talking personally about my case and that other t's who do handle things differently are just as wonderful. I am not in any way saying that my therapists is the best, it just works for me and has helped me to establish trust.
So, yes, I do think there are other ways to handle things.

Berries, I hope that this works out the best for you and if this therapist is right for you - yippee but if he is not please don't give up on therapy or yourself. There are others that will help, just like not all teachers teach the same way, not all therapists treat the same way.

Please let us know how you are doing...

heya berries, I hope all went well, *hugs* would be curious

Thank you, everyone for all your support. It has really helped me hang on the past few days.
Therapy went well. I think we got to the bottom of some stuff. I think. I think he has more of a handle on what is going on with me now. I hope so. I am not totally sure I do.
I gave him the SI tool.
He said he did not want to put me in the hospital.
He said he would only put me in the hospital if I told him I was "unsafe".
He asked if I was at that point and asked me to tell him if I ever got to that point.
He said he would help me.
He said he would never, ever give up on me.

It released some pressure. I felt a bit of hope. I had over a whole hour of feeling a bit less crappy. It was good.

He said he would never, ever give up on me.
But just now I realized that I never said, "does that mean you won't terminate if I SI? Because I have it in writing that you will terminate if I SI"
In 2 emails he said he would terminate. The first, he said he would terminate if I cut. In the second he said by cutting I would be making the choice to terminate with him.
Did he change his mind? Does this mean if I SI, he won’t terminate now? I am confused.
But still grateful for that hour of hope.

That is great to hear that you feel that you are making progress and dealing with some of the issues that led you to buying an SI tool and thinking of using it.
I think you are asking great questions and before you let your head take over maybe contact him or email with these questions. It sounds like you are in a really vulnerable place and need to get some clarity on what he was saying.
I hope that you will keep posting and reaching out for help both here and to people in your life. I know this sounds so cliche' but if you can stop and deal with your feelings and use some of the other methods suggested you will be able to get through it. Some times it's an hour at a time, but who cares, this is your time to get better. The more times that you do this are the more positives that you can feel good about. Write them down so that you can acknowledge yourself from: you decided to go see your therapist, that you did not cut, that you gave him the tools etc... All these things are evidence for you that you can feel good about.

it sounds to me like he is reaching out to you... did you ask for his help or is it being forced on you? best always Berries

Berries, I am so glad that your appt went well!!!!!!!! Open communication is good isn't it? So are you going to clear up your questions with him?

yes, i see him again tomorrow! i will ask him then. i decided not to email and ask him, as i always get more confused that way. it is better to ask him in person i think.

i did email him and thank him for that hour of hope and less pressure in my head.

he emailed back a very sweet email and it made me feel good.

i am holding on til tomorrow and he said he would help me make a plan. i have no idea what to expect. but trying to hold on to some hope.

thank you for your support.