I Lost The Fight

It's okay, I should've explained more in my earlier post. I've been really tired and stuff. Especially after last night, being kept up throwing up at 4am. Blehhh.

I don't feel much better, it's taken me all day to drink a glass of smoothie. It;s horrible

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(((((((((((((((((((TPND)))))))))))))))))))))
so does this mean you are getting ready to get out of that place, maybe into your own?
sending gentle hugs and warm fuzzies,
beads
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Yes, it does. I have my final interview tomorrow at 5pm to let me know when I'll be moving in and such.

I had an awful night last night and today hasn't started off much better. Why now?

When you're tired its harder to cope - I hope you get some sleep and that you move to somewhere nice soon P7

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{TPND}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

First beads wants to tell you congratulations that you will be getting new place soon!
Even thought something really good is finally happening in your life, it is not surprising that you still feel like you are haveing bad days......TPND you has been under a very lg. amount of stress for a long time, along with sleep deprivation and not being able to eat well, etc..............this is all very hard on both your physical and mental self(s).........all of that put together is enought to make it difficult for ANYONE to function, think clearly and deal with even the small storms in life, much less the big ones.
So dont be too so hard on yourself, ....be gentle with yourself instead iffen you can let yourself.............spending time on your sewing mite be a good idea too because that can help you relax....... a short, brisk walk and/or a good hot bath or shower ( if such is available to you there ) a couple of hours before your ready to hit the sack mite go a long way towards helping you get the rest you need so badly also.......
jsut some thoughts for you to consider.........
beads sending much peaceful thoughts, and many gentle hugs your way,

mary

I managed to get some sleep last night, didn't wakeup before my alarm, but still didn't sleep until about 1.30am, but that's better than it has been so I had more sleep.

I feel very sick and weak today, despite eating yesterday. I'm sticking to just smoothies today. I don't even know if I can keep them down, but it's worth a try I guess.

I haven't been able to function or think clearly at all.. This morning at breakfast club, I dropped the tea bags everywhere, I dropped a tea towel on the floor, I got myself soaked washing up and I dropped the fruit bowl (luckily it was a metal bowl). I got aso annoyed with myself, because not too soon after I dropped the milk too. I'm so clumsy today and it's really doing my head in. Yesterday I burnt the toast twice in a row because I forgot about it and wasn't able to concentrate. It's getting worse and worse and it makes me more stressed and frustrated and I just. Grrrr. I hate it.

I mean.. I had a good-ish morning this morning because Taz came to breakfast club and we started being really random and messing around, so that kept my spirits up. She just laughed everytime I dropped something which made me laugh through the frustration and it was nice to be able to laugh with someone at breakfast club for once, although someone else did get grumpy and walked off. Sigh.

I was going to try and go back to sleep for an hour this morning, but my head is buzzing, I have a throbbing headache and I just feel exhausted but unable to rest at all. Great when I have an interview today... Lucky I have it all planned out what I'll be saying.

I'm going to try the hot shower tonight because the chest pains keep coming back whenever I get stressed out, so need to sort that out and a hot shower will help apparently.

I have a friend coming over tonight for the weekend because she's having trouble with her fiance, so that'll be someone to keep me going over the weekend and hopefully help me with the packing up of my stuff! I should find out tonight at around 5.30pm whether I'm moving out of hereand when. It'll either be this Monday (25th May), or next Monday (1st June) which will be brilliant because I'll have reached my goal of being out of here by the time I'm 18! Woohoo!

Ughhhhh.. I just hope that I'm not sick today. I don't want to be ill. I don't want to be weak stomached for my interview, or look rough or anything. Abi's phoning around places with me today---yesterday was the first time we spent more than an hour in our key support session!!---to sort out money to get all the essentials and such for me when I move in. We also had a good giggle yesterday, which was nice.

When we sa down first of all, she said "Have you been okay?" and I lied. I said that I've been fine. Oops. "I don't think you have somehow... You've looked really stressed and downhearted over the past few days. What's been going on?" Dammit.
So I explained about everything and she said that all the stuff I was saying to her was a sign that I'm maturing even more, becoming more cynical and growing up more - becoming more of an adult, which isn't a bad thing because I help others far too much more than I help myself, so me feeling more unsympathetic to some of the people I normally help's problems, is just a sign that I'm going to start taking more care of myself. I still don't like it though... Makes me feel guilty

It's just nice to know that Abi wants to take the time out of her day to help me - finally! and to just make sure that I'm okay. I was feeling a little better last night, just felt ill and weak... And still do.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{TPND}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

HUG< HUG< HUG< HUG

thinking of you and hoeping that you have a better day,

beads

This is something to figure out........

I am glad that some things are working out for you!

I am working on the guilty feelings. Sian's picked out taht I feel guilty for a lot of things and wants to work with me on them. There's a lot of work to be done there, but hopefully we'll get there. I feel like it's going to take a long time...

I just had my interview for moving into a new flat. I so hope I got flat 10!!! That means I'll be moving in this Monday. I will be packing everything up this weekend and leaving here on Monday morning. Woohoo! I will know whether I've got a place at 7pm tonight. I'm so anxious!!!

They did a brief check on my room to see how tidy/clean etc. it was and Andrew (person interviewing me) seemed pleased with my room so it looks like I will be going somewhere! He asked how I felt about having less key support sessions and I said that I felt fine with it because I think I'll flourish away from the people here and in a flat of my own, doing my own thing and he seemed relieved about that. Let's hope I got the place! One of the other people being interviewed... I doubt.. Because he struggles quite a lot with drug addiction and anger issues etc, so I guess we'll see. I don't know who else is being interviewed, but Abi, my key support worker said I'm in for a bloody good chance because I'm their favoured resident, so... Yeah. I'm holding out pretty high hopes

Just feeling drained now. Must get sleep!

Yeah!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M MOVING OUT ON MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOOHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you tell I'm HAPPY?????

Abi came to me and said "Shall we go somewhere private?"
"sure thing"
Got into the room and she said excitedly; "You've got flat 10!!! The best one!!!!"

I screamed and said; "No way!!!! Ahaaaaa!! YEAAAHHHH!!!" And hugged her

I'm so chuffed! FINALLY I'm getting out of here!!! EEEEEEEEEEE!!!

I'm buzzing!

I feel drained, but buzzing, excited and jumping for joy all at the same time!!! Not allowed to say anything until everyone else knows they're not moving in though. Dammit!!!!! I can't keep my gob shut that long!!!!! I'm so EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!

I'm FREEEEEEE!

Hahahaha. I can't WAIT!
Shall I shut up now? heeeee.

Very good news, congrats! You deserve the best too....... And you worked for all of this.........

very cool beans frfeind! you deserve this! so happy for you!

hugs and warm fuzzies,

beads

Thank you.

Sannah, I know I worked hard for this and that's why I felt so pleased on the day I found out and still do now. I know that I got this myself, didn't need anyone else to find the flat for me or anything like that. I also know that I put a lot of effort into doing everything that I could here, so that I would get offered a place and so that they knew me better as that kind, caring person who wants to help people. It'll get me somewhere.

I've had one person trying to guilt trip me all weekend. The first thing she said when I burst into her room and said "I'm moving out! Woohoo! I'll need all my stuff back from you..." was; "I'm gonna have f--k all stuff to cook with now". Talk about selfish! If she could cook with what she had before I let her borrow my stuff, she can survive now. Then she had the cheek to say "I'll be around yours all the time so you can cook for me" ??!!??!?!?!?!?!?? Huh. Lemmee think on that......... NO! So I said to her "Actually Connor's gona be over every weekend, so no you won't be coming over then" "Oh, well.. I'll just come over during the weekdays and get p-ssed up with you."
Double NO! And she thinks she's coming to my housewarming party. Nuh-uh. It's not going to be a party for everyone to get drunk. I've had it planned out in my head for ages. It'll actually be a meal and a quiet drink, just chilling out and welcoming me into my new home. Not what she thinks it'll be!

I had a bad night on Saturday night, I was very close to giving up, don't ask me why because I have no idea... I just felt extremely low and like the world was comletely resting all its weight on my shoulders. I think it was because so many people were crying out to me for help and I felt like I had no space, or time for me. In a way, I guess I felt trapped. Trapped in a very small world of my own, with other peoples' problems in it and nothing else, no happiness, no elimination of teh problems. Just problems.

Jeez, this weekend has been a hard one. And to top it all off, I saw Abi this morning and she smiled and said "you ready?" "Yup."
"Only problem is, Andrew (guy that has the key for my new flat!!!) has broken his arm and is off sick... So yoiu'll need to stay here again tonight."

DAMMIT! That was the last thing I wanted!
I asked how he did it and Abi said he was out cycling on his Mountain bike and fell off. So I made light of the situation and laughed, saying "At least he broke his arm in a decent way!!!"

Sigh. So have to move all my stuff today, using the master key and then move in properly tomorrow. That was the last thing I wanted considering that one person tryingto guilt trip me. Another day of her ignoring me and shouting and screaming on the landing to get through. Brilliant. Jeeeeez, why did it have to happen?? I was SO looking forward to getting away from that!

oh well. Least I'm still moving in tomorrow.

TPND, I think that you are just starting to see this as a problem which is very good! This is the first step to solving a problem. You have always allowed yourself to service others at your expense and now you are seeing that this isn't so good to do all the time. It is progress!

Thank you Sannah. I'm feeling a little less guilty, although this morning was horrid. I came in to do breakfast club after Connor and I struggling to sleep last night, and one of the girls was crying. It was horrible when i found out why. Her Mother died this morning and every time I saw her cry (I'm one of those people), it makes me want to cry! grr. But yeah. It was really uncomfortable and just hard to know what to do or say. I mean... I know how it feels to have a parent die, or a foster parent - someone that you're very close to and stuff, but I was very young when my Dad died, so I didn't understand it and still haven't properly grieved and stuff, you know...? So I found it hard seeing her cry for her Mum and stand there feeling like there's nothing I can do. I didn't want to hug her because I knew that'd make her worse, I didn't want to try and comfort her because I knew that this would also make her worse, so I had to give her that sympathetic look and just listen... Which I know I'm good at.

Bleehhhh. This morning has been a tough 'un already, but I just gotta keep truckin' on and get on with sorting out my flat. All my muscles ache after carrying boxes up 3 flights of stairs yesterday and doing lots of running around. Connor had to make me stop because he could see that I was exhausted and just stressing myself out even more... I didn't like it at first but am glad of it now because I'm aching this morning and feel weak etc. So yeah. I'm tired.

And I phoned my Mum yesterday, she said she'd left me a voicemail saying why she hadn't phoned me and stuff... She's been in hospital for 2 weeks. She tripped and feel, breaking her hip. She hadthat fixed, but got an infection whilst in hospital so had to stay there even longer. Dammit! So she came out on Friday and her leg's only just healed from when she fell over when she came to see me over 2 months ago. So she's in the wars and sore and stuff. More stuff to add to my rucksack of rocks! I have yet to call Sian and find out when our appointment is tomorrow so I can let off some steam and drop some of these rocks in my rucksack.

I hope today's a better day.

thinking of you,

beads

I am so Happy Happy Happy for you - that is great news - moving out - CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

TPND, it sounds like you did good with that girl who is grieving her mom. I am sorry to hear about your mum.

Thanks everyone. I really needed this boost to get me through today!!

I had my ED counselling and it was a really tough session. I was pretty close to tears a few times. We were talking about my twin and stuff and it just got me going quite a lot.

I have been very emotionally drained today, which has caused me to be physically crap and therefore almost fall asleep on the bus home from counselling, but I got home and crashed out on my bed after running some errands, sending off letters and such. I know Connor would have made me sleep first, but I couldn't sleep with that stress on my mind.

Jeez. My muscles ache like crazy and I keep getting the shakes and feeling quite weak. I guess it's all the stressing and moving and constantly thinking and doing something. Today was the first time since Friday that I've stopped and let myself chill out. I felt guilty for it though :-/

I could really do with just sitting with someone, talking lots and having a huge hug. Hmmm.

sitting with you - listening if you want me to and sending you lots of hugs - hope someone IRL does the same for you

~Big Hugs~ to you. Don't feel guilty for taking a few minutes to relax.

Thank you for your replies.

I've had a fun but exhausting day at the Bath and West Show today. Connor phoned me and told me he needed to talk to me, just after I got there. Great way to start my day, thanks Connor. Not happy! Then he kept phoning me asking me to go on skype so he could talk to me about it... Hello!!! I'm trying to watch the show jumping here!!! GRRRRR.

I felt like the outcast of the group tbh, the only reason Mandy and Nick kept an eye on me was because I get travel sick - never used to, but have started to recently... So yeah. Just kept myself to myself really and took lots of pictures. I've just had a horrid migraine all day, despite drinking nearly 2 litres of water and attempting to eat something. Exhausted!

Just feel like nobody wants me around. Maybe they don't. Maybe they are better off if this ED kills me. I don't care. I'd rather die than be this fat anyway.

I'm sorry. I'm feeling so crap atm and I just. I don't know what to do

Why ^?

Do you like your new place? I am glad that you went to therapy. I certainly want you around! Why do you think that others don't want you around?

Hope you get some rest. You certainly deserve it!