I Lost The Fight

You are brave and strong and I have every faith that you will succeed in gettng your life back on track and healing - I know you can do this and its great that you do too.

P7

Bryony has just been messed up by that family in a different way than you. One way to stop the tit for tat is to have compassion for her. It is possible to stand up for yourself, have your principles and still have compassion for a tormentor.............. You did good!

I did indeedy and I know it!

See... Them buying her a flat and everything for it... Qhen you really think about it, or *just* think about it, is them kicking her out in a nicer, more gentle way than they did with me. Clever of them, eh? Heh. They can't get past me with their tricks. I know that one day, Bryony will be left completely on her own and just will not know what to do! She'll come running to me, in tears most likely and say "Kirst, I'm sorry I hurt you, I never meant any of it I was just angry and I didn't understand bnlah blah blah.... Can you help me?"

Now... I'd be tempted to say, stuff that I won't forgvie you for what you did to me, but it's just not who I am. I'd be more likely to help her, but somehow find ways of being tough on her, find ways to keep her apologising for a while, so that I know she really means it and I guess to make sure that she's not just going to run off afterwards and be nasty again.

I don't even trust my own sister and her actions. That's awful and I feel horrid for that... But she's made her bed so she's gotta lie in it now. If she doesn't like it, tough. She's gotta change it and it's going to take more than just a sorry to change it. I'm not a pushover anymore, not like she thinks I am.

The only problem with all of this is that the pains are just getting worse and worse... I went to the drs today and had a thorough checkup and such, BP's a bit high because of last night and stressing over it, temperature was a little bit high too :-/
I went to the drs this morning, though and had a thorough checkup. After really hurting my chest the dr said that it seems that from having panic attacks and hyperventilating lots, I have damaged the muscles around my lungs and ribs, which has caused me a great deal of pain. Ouch.

So.. I'm not allowed to laugh if I can help it because that hurts, not allowed to do any strenuous work, like lifting, pushing, pulling, running around like a headless chicken and I'm not allowed to do too much worrying if I can help it because that escalates the problem! Dammit. That's going to be very difficult But I guess... It's come to being in considerable amounts of pain for me to stop worrying so much about others and more about myself. I wonder if it'll actually work this time...?

I guess we'll see. I feel really sick and achey and just... Blergh. I'm tired.

So you don't think it could be indigestion or reflux?

No. I tried the antiacid and it didn't change anything. Glad I've been to the drs and found out what it is now. I described the pain and everything and he asked if I have panic attacks and I said yes, so he saw it as having damaged the muscles around my lungs and ribcage, causing me to be in so much pain.

I tried sleeping earlier, but it's pretty difficult considering it's so uncomfortable.

Feel better soon.

((((((((((((((((((TPND)))))))))))))))))))))

thinking of you.........
sending peaceful thoughts and warm fuzzies,

beads

Thank you everyone.

I have had a tough weekend to say the least. I almost started crying at the completely wrong moment, money issues are getting to me, food issues are getting to me and although I managed to relax a little, I come home to find out that it's someone's last night here tonight and she's told people she's going to smash my head in if she sees me and kick the hell outta my door. Great. If the crappy security guard's on duty, nothing'll be done, so I'll call the police out. If the good security guard's on, he'll do something about it.

Why the hell do I have to live with this? Every single day I'm afraid to go anywhere as it is, for fear of getting beaten up or raped again or something else... Now I'm having that confirmed yet again.

One of my close friends that lives here with me came knocking on my door, knocking quite urgently and when i opened the door, she said; "Kirst, have you got anyone staying over tonight?"
"No..."
"Is Connor staying tonight?"
"No"
"Have Connor stay over tonight. She's been telling everyone that there are 3 people she's going to smash the s--t out of and you were one of them. She's going to kick the hell out of your door and smash your face in apparently. She might not do it, but I just want you to be safe. If anything, I'm in my room tonight ok?"
"Whoa... WTF??? And WHY has she decided to do this?"
"Because it's her last night here and obviously they can't do anything. Well. Staff can't."
"Huh. Yeah, but the police can."

So yeah, Connor was sat on my bed listening the whole time and he went on about what I should and shouldn't do and I just thought 'God, Connor. I've lived with this for a year and a half... I know what to do by now. I'm not stupid and I'm not a kid.' But I know he was just trying to help.

I just can't stand all the stuff that's going on anymore. It's weakening me, I admit it. I can't cope with it at the moment.

Can't wait til you are out of there!

Think I can????

Ugh. One of the guys in here that she's close to is saying to people "if you've done anything wrong, she's gonna bang you out". There are 3 people on her list already. Great. So it is true. Fun. You know... I was thinking of isolating myself in my room, not going out anywhere, but why the hell should I hide away just because she's threatening people and one of them is me? Why should I let her stop me from doing what I want to do? Pff. Fat chance of that, lovie.

I hate that things like this just keep happening. It's so frustrating and earlier, when Emily told me, I just felt like completely crumbling in front of her. I felt like the world is just completely against me and like it's crushing me more and more everyday... What is the point? If she wants to beat the crap out of me, go for it. The only thing I'm worried about is if she gets into my room and grabs one of my guitar. That's when I'll either lash out at her, or if she's already got me on the floor unable to move, I'll probably pass out or something.

Eeep! I hate it when I get the visions of these things happening it's horrible. It's scary, and I really don't like it..

I just got news of Georgie...
.
.
.
.
.
SHE PULLED THROUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just half an hour ago I was bawling my eyes out, terrified that she wouldn't make it! But she did! And she's gonna be fine! I can't believe it!

((((((((((TPND)))))))))))
so glad your freind's gonna be okay!!!!!
also is k iffen we ask .........do you have any idea how much longer you gotta stay at this place? hope it is soon you can leave at any rate......
best advice we can give ya is to hang on to your dreams of what you wnat to do and how you will be able to live when you are able to get out......like when we has lived in nasty places that was the only way we could tolerate sometimes was by telling ourself how we would make our life be once we got out and keeping that hope alive no matter what......
hang in there....
sending gentle hugs and warm fuzzies,
beads

Glad your friend will be ok - phew... that must be weight off your mind

Sorry you are having probs - hope things willl be better after she leaves - let us know ok - take care

p.s., I would make sure the staff know what she is threatening .

It is such a huge weight off my mind, but I'm still worried about her... That's just because I can't See how she really is and stuff.

I've got to stay here another month-6 weeks. Ugh. I do hold onto how much better it'll be when I'm out of here and everything else, that has been enough to keep me going, but I'm just slipping back into a really deep depression. I managed to cover it up and block it out for a while, but now it's kicked me in the arse again and the demon voice of depression and ana is back.

I just wish that this place could be rid of all these horrible people and just be a place where people are kind to each other, help each other out... Not shout and scream at 1am and kick peoples' doors. I know you get stuff like that anywhere you go that's supported housing, but come on... Surely people can see it from the perspective of 'how would I like it if someone did that to me?' No. They bloody well don't and it makes me so angry.

I do so much for this place and yet what do I get? People threatening to hurt me, kick my door down, making me scared to sleep in case they bash my dorr whilst I'm asleep and I wake up having a panic attack. No-one should have to live like that. No-one else here does have to live like that, so why the hell do I?

I'm super stressed and fed up today, just... Want to snap at everyone that is negative or nasty towards me, or just generally being grumpy and an arsehole for no reason. I'm never like this. I hate it. But today, I'm just sick of holding back.

I wish I wasn't here.

Can you report this person to security? Is she triggering you too?

She's been kicked out. She went yesterday. She's gone. But it doesn't stop me getting trouble from others now, does it?

My God, today has been awful. One of my closest friends is on a major low and just don't know what to suggest to him because he's never been like this, he doesn't live near me and he doesn't believe that he's good for anything Talking to me is helping him, he says... But I'm so worried about him

My eating's going back off the scale again and I just feel like I can't be bothered to fight anymore. My SH is coming back with a vengeance and although I've fought that off for 7 weeks, I just feel like I can't fight anymore... I almost OD'd again the other night. I've been crying for 3 hours and I can't stop. What the hell is wrong with me? I just wanna shake myself really hard for hours until I stop, or just... Die. I don't know

I feel crap today and I wish I wasn't here.

Can you call your therapist? When is your next appt.?

My next appt was tomorrow, but I canceled because of a YMCA meeting tomorrow... maybe that was a bad idea, but it's too late now... If only she could come see me at home.. I can't get to SWEDA.

I've just had Bryony starting her crap with me again. I can't take this anymore.. She said all this stuff about how I really upset her the other day for saying that our Foster Dad would hate her for who she is now, treating me like this after he said to her to take care of me and the same for me with her. She's not once looked after me.

She certainly knows how to get to me...

"Come back to me when you've got through this stage, Kirst. I'm your sister, I'm here for you when you need me, bye bye x"

No. It's not a f-cking stage, Bryony!!! Will she ever realise that??? NO! It's a part of my f-cking life! I told her that actually I'm already through that stage, that I'm moving on.

I just. I don't know. I don't need her to be giving me this s--t anymore. I can't stand it anymore. I can't take any of it anymore. I can't do it. Not anymore. All the stuff I've bottled up has just smashed on my head and it's made me crumble. I'm a mess. IOne more thing and I'll sure as hell cllapse with the sheer weight of it all.

I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry

TPND - if you can - call your T - see if you can get another appt ok.

with your sisters message can you focus on the part where she says "im your sister - im here for you when you need me" that sounds like she is trying to be supportive -

take care and I hope things get better for you soon - call your T -let us know how you go ok

P7

She's not being supportive. That is her putting me into a false sense of security so that I go to her about something and she has that as ammo against me. I know her ways by now. I know how her mind works and how spiteful she can be. If she saw my scars, she'd have a massive go at me, scream and shout and say that I'm an emo and an attention seeker. When I told her I had to go to hospital because of the chest pains etc, she called me an attention seeker. I'm not an attention seeker and I wasn't trying to seek her attention, I was just correcting her.

I expect my T will call me in approx. 10 minutes to find out where I am and I'll explain about it and such.

I was quite hot and bothered last night anyway, with Bryony saying what she did on top of that and such... I was lying in bed trying to sleep and could hear people shouting and screaming, banging doors etc, which really got on my nerves. I drifted off at about 1am. But woke up at 4am and by 4.25 am, I was being sick for absolutely no reason that I can think of. I just woke up feeling sick and eventually was sick. I guess maybe it was the anxiety of what Bryony might do/say next or something, and the stress of all the stuff that's been going on. I have no idea though.

I feel so wretched today. I didn't sleep after that and got up for breakfast club feeling like I was going to throw up again. I didn't want there to be a 5th time. I got to breakfast club and started to open up the kitchen and just felt a wave of nausea sweep over me. I put my hand to my stomach to see if that would help a little, and just stood still for a bit. I almost ran back to my room... But I was okay after 5 minutes. Ugh. I just feel terrible today. There's no way I could have traveled to my appointment with my T today, I'd have never have got through that bus journey. I always feel sick on that journey as it is, let alone already feeling sick and then feeling more sick on the journey. Ugh.

If my T has spare time, I expect she'll call me later at some point to see if she can come to where I live to see me, make sure I'm okay and stuff. I don't know.

I just feel horrid today Can I have a hug?

lotsa hugs 4 u

Thank you so much, phoenix7!

I've really needed these today. I haven't heard anything from my T, so not sure what's happening on that front :-/ and I managed to get a little bit of sleep, which has helped a little, but I still feel hot, bothered and ill

Hmm. I guess.. I'll have to see how I am by Friday and if I'm not any better, make an appointment to see a dr. Want to avoid that as much as possible...

TPND why are you avoiding your T appts?

I'm not avoiding them.

I had to go to this meeting for the YMCA today because of moving out. They said that this was the only interview they were giving me, so I had to go otherwise I'll be waiting another 6 months or so and I couldn't stand that.

I'm going to my appt next week, just need to arrange it with Sian.

Okay, sorry that I misunderstood .............