I Lost The Fight

I felt guilty for it because of the amount of boxes lying around waiting to be unpacked. I felt lazy. :-/

I LOVE my new place! I can finally sleep with the light off, still have to have music on, but that's just something to stop me hearing things. I'm still scared of the dark, every noise I hear I keep thinking is someone trying to get in, but I'm starting to get to know the different sounds and what they really are and starting to rationalise my thoughts and such. I already have a ritual before I go to bed of going around every room, shutting all the windows and blinds, then cleaning my teeth, putting music on, turning my light off and getting into bed putting the covers over my ears (that's just acomfort thing). It seems to be a good ritual, it makes me feel safe, but sometimes I have to get out of bed again, to go and check all the windows are shut, my door's locked and all my cupboards and drawers are shut, along with all my electricals being off. I'm so paranoid that I've left something on.

I think that others don't want me around because all they seem to do is use me to help them. They never think about how it affects me or anything like that. Yesterday was awful. I mean... I had a great day at the Bath and West, but I got home and was so drained, yet so many people were texting me asking for help or to do a favour for them, or asking if I'm still up and will I be seeing them tomorrow? Grrrr. Give me a break! In teh end, I just had to tell everyone that I was exhausted and couldn't help at the moment. I was getting so frustrated, angry, upset, weighed down by all these people asking so much of me and not even stopping to think of how much I've already got on my plate and how much they actually are asking of me. To them it may just be a simple favour, that requires a lot of energy and thinking or whatever, but to me it's actually another thing weighing down on my shoulders and adding more stress to my mind.

Sigh. Connor and I spoke last night and I explained taht I have been really, really stressed and pre-occupied recently and that I just need space to chill out and sort out all te stuff going through my head, get all the unpacking done and just give myself time to get my head around everything. He said he understands that I'm stressed and stuff but he said he feels iunsecure because he's not getting that attention from me that he usually gets from me when we spend time together.

I admit I got angry with him a few times, but that was because he wasn't understanding the fact taht moving is stressful. He was just getting angry at me for being stressed out. ??!?!? He apologised in the end, but last night I just felt like I was too drained to bother explaining and just wanted to leave it until today... But no, as usual I forced myself to do it and get it over with. He wanted to see me this weekend, I think.. But I don't really feel up to seeing people at the moment, I have stuff to do for breakfast club and such, which is okay, it's something to keep me busy again, but otherwise I just feel like staying at home, slowly unpacking and just... Well.. Being ill on my own, not having people bugging me to help them and stuff. I'm not well and I know I'm not well, so why do I keep pushing myself so hard to do these things?

I'm putting so much pressure on myself to help someone write a song better than he has done, to write a poem for my friend's friend who died, to get my 2 new songs done by next week and get the demo disc recorded by the end of June, to arragne a housewarming party, to unpack all this stuff by this weekend, to help Jason with the comic relief stuff on Tuesday, to arrange the exchange and residential, to do this key support worker course, to get a job, to start horse riding again somehow, to get to counselling and sort things out with Bryony... But why do I have to be the one that has to make all the effort to make things better between us?

God, I hate this. It's not like I'll ever stop, is it?
I don't know what to do with myself today. I've got really bad stomach pains and chest pains and the migraine still hasn't gone away.

I wonder if anyone's actually going to just let me get on with my day and not interrupt me. I doubt it. But I guess I can only hope.

TPND, how do you think this set up got in place with everyone depending on you at your expense?..............................................

Yes, you set it up this way......................

But now you see very clearly that this isn't so good and you are doing what you need to to change things. Just part of your journey..........

Could all of your ill physical feelings be from the move and the disorganization of the new place??????? You will settle. One thing at a time and don't feel like you have to get everything done at once okay?

I think the illness is because of the move and disorganisation of the new place.. I know that it's messy and lots needs to be packed away and such.

You know me, I always feel like everything has to be done at once. Heh. I keep tripping over all these boxes and just over anything. I keep feeling exhausted by the end of the day everyday. Sometimes by just 5pm. By 7pm, I can be asleep. It's horrible. I'm never normally like this. I know I'm putting a lot on myself, I'm even doing some stuff for Jason on Sunday for a fun day type thing for a guy from here that died in January. I shouldn't be doing it because it's something else to drag me down and keep me away from doing those boxes, therefore get me more stressed out for not doing them. Gahhh. Everything I'm saying is confused and messy. Sorry.

I'm exhausted and just need to stay in bed for a day, but yet... I won't let myself. I feel like I'm letting others down otherwise. Supposed to be going out tonight, but I really don't feel up to it, but I won't let myself not go because I'm letting others down again... See?

Blah. I feel sick. I'll update you all tomorrow. For now, I have stuff to do again.

maybe you can just enjoy your new freedom and haveing your won place for ashilw? ike you does not have to get verything unpoacked all at one...rome was not built in a day ya know.................dont need to be so hard on yourself! beads still here anytime you ned to talk!
hang in there
know we is thinking of you and our heart goes out to you. hope you feel gooder soon,k

mary & all of us beadys

Where are your needs in all this??????????

hi TPND!
jusat wanted to let you know that beads still settign with yA and thinking warm thoughts for you,
sending warm fuzzies and cheerful thunks,

beads

To me, my needs don't matter. Connor wouldn't let me go and do breakfast club on Saturday morning because he came to see me and said I looked awful. I was really ill and felt weak and couldn't actually walk anywhere and couldn't even think straight. So yeah, he wouldn't let me do breakfast club... But as soon as he was gone, I made myself get up and do what I felt needed to be done.

I did volunteering in the cafe here yesterday and everybody kept telling me to go home and get some rest because I looked very tired and kept dropping things, tripping over and forgetting things. But I wouldn't go home. I stayed there from 11a.-5pm and did everything. I didn't go outside once, I didn't stop once. I didn't even eat anything all day. Just drank 2 litres of water to keep me going.

I had to wear a jumper though, because on Saturday evening, I broke my self harm free streak nobody knows that I have and I don't want anybody to know because yet again, I have let people down. Yay.

I feel so tired again today and yesterday after serving cream teas and cakes all day, I got home and crashed out on my bed for an hour, only to be woken up by the 3 people I least wanted to see, shouting my name outside my bedroom window. Great. I was NOT a happy bunny and I let them know so. I could have easily caught up on some much needed sleep, but no, they didn't care that when they saw me I looked like utter s--t, they just wanted to aggravate someone and have something to do. GO AWAY!!!!!!

I thought I'd have been left alone by them by now, but I guarantee that I'll be needed to help with their shopping or something today. Well tough fricken luck! Today, I am going to do the selling of cream teas again for an hour, for the YMCA and then go home, sit in the sun for a bit and write, unpack a few boxes and then sit and watch a DVD. Then after that, I'm going to go to bed and get some much needed sleep. I doubt I will get that much needed sleep, because it's still taking me ages to get off to sleep and I still keep waking up.

At least I've managed a week so far of sleeping without the light on
I just wish I didn't feel so ill. It's so painful and draining and I just keep getting headaches and migraines all the time

Hopefully you are working on this?

I'm trying.

I didn't sleep a wink last night, so got out of bed this morning feeling really rubbish
I cried for 4 hours non stop. I just kept crying. I couldn't stop thinking about everything, just everything that's ever happened to me and how it's all my fault and I deserve every bad thing that happens to me. That's how I feel. So yeah. I cried my eyes out for 4 hours. Now my eyes sting, I'm tired and weak and I just feel so easily aggravated. It's horrible

I keep wanting to cry again and again, but I'm afraid I'll never stop lastnight I wished that it was Wednesday morning at 9:30ish, so that I'd be sat in counselling and be crying there, not in my bed on my own listening to music and knowing that I'm alone and have no-one to talk to. I so needed someone to talk to last night. I cut again yesterday. It's going back to how it was when I was with my adoptive family and it keeps getting worse, I keep getting horrid urges to do even worse stuff than just cutting. I hate this

I wish that I could just be happy, but something clicked yesterday and I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. I cried so much I couldn't breathe, I cried so much my ribs and stomach hurt. I cried so much that I feel really weak today. What's wrong with me?

I had no-one to talk to last night and I feel like I never will now because I take care of so many people, yet they don't give that back to me and help me out by listening when I need it. I only need it very rarely... Is that much to ask? Just one night, for an hour or so where I can just talk?

TPND, it sounds like you got away from the chaos of your last living situation but now it is too lonely for you? You can learn to rebuild your life and by rebuilding you can find people who are supportive of you. Hopefully you can talk about this tomorrow in counseling. Rebuilding is part of healing and having a better life.

And of course you know that this isn't your fault? You were supposed to have been given a better life by adults. Now here you are not even an adult yourself working your butt off to have a better life! You will succeed TPND! Just be patient and keep working.......

(and remember that moving and the change that comes with that is very stressful!)

I'm being as patient as I can and still working my butt off. You know, I don't think Connor realises just how hard it is to stand on your own to feet at such a young age and deal with sales people, bills, the council, job hunting and all that sorta stuff. I don't think that he thinks about that because he has it all done for him at home, so doesn't understand what it's like. He's learning.

It's not that it's too lonely for me, it's that I feel like I help so many others but not one of them tries, or even wants to help me... I feel like I'm just wasting my time helping so many people, but as I learned the other day, it does pay off more often than not. I just wish that it was the same for everybody I helped, not just one person!!!

I managed to sleep last night, but have a sore throat, feel sick and headachey again today and I'm trying my hardest to be happy. I have started on my video for my newest song and have yet to email lyrics to those who have requested that. I have yet to start on the poem for my friend about her friend, the song for my friend and get recording done, not to mention Mum calling me today and asking me to look after her bungalow whilst she goes on holiday in July. This is something I'm perfectly willing to do because she has my parrot and she has a dog, which will keep me happy and hopefully ease some of my stress... I'm just scared she'll find out about my ED when i don't eat anything when I'm there. Hmm.

Yes, my ED's been getting worse and my counsellor wasn't happy this week when she looked at my food diary and saw I'd been eating as little as I could get away with. She said she was shocked and didn't know how I could still be standing. Maybe it's because I'm determined not to let on...

I spoke to my counsellor about a lot of feelings and such and admitted that behind all the smiles and laughter, I'm really not okay. She had to stop in her tracks, look at me and ask me to say it again she was so surprised. She said that when i said that she could sense a lot of hurt lingering and that it was a very difficult thing for me to do and it took a lot of strength... To be honest, my brain's not functioning very well and I feel like I just blurted it out without thinking :-/ not such a bad thing though, because that's the truth. I'm really not okay despite all the fronts I put on..

Maybe these 2 things ^ are related? Your brain needs food.....

I know my brain needs food... But I don't. I don't deserve food.

Connor got me to eat yesterday... He made me a chicken and salad sandwich, then later on got me to have pasta. I cried.

I feel so weak giving in to him... But I can't stand to hurt him any more than I already have. I've f-cked up his life enough as it is, so I owe it to him bigtime. I owe it to everyone. I don't deserve to be treated well, loved, cared about or wanted. I deserve to die. That's how I feel. That's how I've let them make me feel. I feel useless, like nothing, nobody. I don't deserve nourishment, health, happiness. That's what they told me and it's true. I am a bad person so don't deserve to eat.

I can see how you feel this way because of what you heard and how you were treated! These people were so sick, though, TPND! So, so sick............. Please try to see how wrong they were!

You deserve the best!
You deserve love!
You deserve to live!
You are the best!
You deserve food!
You deserve health!
You deserve happiness!

Please take these words and read them outloud to yourself everyday until you believe it!

I agree wiht Sannah - you shoudl read those things she said over and over because they are true

Those people put warped thoughts into your head - I have got to know you here and you deserve to have all the good things the world has to offer -

You are kind
you are caring
you are thoughtful
you are a good friend

and you deserve to be happy and healthy

But i take so much from everyone here, all I ever do is ask for support... I never feel like I help anyone...

I just take take take here... Or so it feels... I try to give back, but... i just have so much swimming around in my head and I can't deal with it anymore, I can't cope anymore, I can't take it anymore, I Can't Do This Anymore.

I will try and read those aloud to myself everyday, Sannah, and what you said too, P7. It'll be hard as I feel stupid doing self affirmations and I feel like I'm fooling myself and lying. But I'll try... It's not enough, I know, but. I'll make myself do it.

Thank you for your replies. I'm drained today, I feel sick and I just don't want to be here I have lost hope...

your body needs fuel to deal with this and you are denying it that - try to be kinder to you and your body and take care of you ok

Thank you, P7.

Today has been an especially tough day having to think about facing The Adoptive Parents again. God I'm so scared! But if it means I get my little angel back, I guess I can toughen up and do it. For my little girl. My saviour XD.

That is such a beautiful picture! I was smiling like a goof when i saw that!

I'm feeling realyl anxious and sick at the moment. Connor got me to eat a baked potato today and as we were eating it, asked how I felt about eating. God, why did he ask that question??? I hated it, really hated it, but I felt I had to, to keep him happy... I said that I know it upsets him when I don't eat... I lied. I told him that I was fine, that I was okay to eat if he was there eating with me. Bulls--t!!! Why did I lie??? Because I was scared and I didn't want him to know just how much I'm struggling

I'm so tired and fed up and headachey and I just want to curl into a ball and disappear into nothingness..

TPND, this is your time to take and take and take from here okay? When you are feeling better maybe you can give back then okay?

When are your next appts? I hope you can feel better real soon!

ooooh that is sooooo good that you are going to see your puppy again!!!



and you know what - the thing with Conoor - you were trying to be kind to him - and thats ok - its not a life shattering lie - let it go and enjoy seeing your angel again

I do try to give back sometimes. I try so hard, especially with people that I speak to on msn and skype and such. I always push myself over the limit and I know I do, but I just can't help it... I'm helping someone else with their ED at the moment, she only found out about it the other day. It's dragging me down and I know it is, hence why I purged last night because I felt so fat and horrible and undeserving of what I'd eaten...

My next appt with Sian is tomorrow. I'm so scared because I have to write in my diary about purging and she's gonna be annoyed about it. She's gonna say that she's worried about my eating habits and the fact that I've started purging again. i want to OD again to get rid of what I've eaten for breakfast. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve it one bit because I'm such a failure. I'm going to the gym with a friend today. I offered to go with her because she had no-one to go, I already have an exercise plan written out by my fitness instructor, so I'm doing a double workout today and Friday... Bad idea? I know.. But I feel so guilty for eating..

I had some laxative-type sachets given to me by my dr who knows nothing of how bad my ED is getting, for my IBS. I've started using them. I'm supposed to drink them with water, but the texture just makes me sick, so I put them in my lemon tea and stuff. I know it's a really bad idea, but I need to get rid of this food. It's horrible. I need to be smaller fr my birthday. I'vepromised myself that I would be thinner for my Birthday.

My dr has referred me to MHT again and I will probably be seeing my old cpn again. I'm also scared about that too, because I don't trust her. Not one bit. I am going to try harder this time, though. I'm just scared of the outcome.. I don't know what she'll do/say about my ED and Ihate talking about my SH, ED, SA etc. I'm terrified of opening up.

I just wantr to cry I feel so alone and isolated and hurt. I just want to get away from the ED voice, never fear her again, never have to worry about feeling guilty for eating...

God, i feel so s--t today. A hug.. Please?

Thanks Sannah and P7.

I'm not feeling so good today.. My counsellor has said that if she sees me losing anymore weight right before her eyes, she'll take matters into her own hands and contact my GP, forcing me to have blood tests and such done to see what my potassium and blood sugar levels and such are like. She wants me to have a thorough health check. I refused. It was either: Stop doing the food diary and continue working on the new stuff in our sessions, or keep doing the food diary go to my GP and show it to her and ask to have tests done. It was obvious what I'd choose.

I'm so scared I don't care if they drop, I just don't want my GP finding out. I don't want all the fuss, I don't want her to make me have checkups every week or have Connor checking up on me every five seconds. I can't deal with that. They'll both try and force me to eat, then they'll probably make me see a dietician or counsellor will do a food plan with me. If she tries to, I'll say I don't feel ready yet. I'm terrified of that moment. From now on, I'm wearing big, heavy jumpers when i see her to cover up any weight loss.. All I see is me getting fatter, but all she sees is me getting thin.

I ache so much and feel so sick and just want to disappear.