i have several problems with sexuality that, individually and combined, overwhelm me. i do not know what to do. here's the list:

1. i seem to attract very dysfunctional people, e.g., adults who fall in love with me without even going on a date; adults who fall in love with me by the third date when i feel that i hardly even know them. i do not find such situations to be positive. rather, they trouble me deeply.

2. when i do meet someone, i feel that i am not worthy. both my parents rejected me on several levels and were very cold emotionally. my emotional needs - especially from my mother - were never met. when i meet someone and they like me, i freak out. falling in love is supposed to be very pleasant but, for me, it's a nightmare. love just feels wrong. i have very mixed emotions about it - mostly negative. and, i am not a touchy - feely type of guy, especially in public.

3. i am troubled when i meet someone and all they want to do is go to bed before getting to know each other. this is not what i am looking for.

4. i have physical problems due to being glucose intolerant. i am prone to urinary tract infections and yeast infections after sex. i am deeply embarrassed by these physical problems. also, sometimes the day after sex, my skin gets very itchy. i have dry skin and have a good amount of body hair. somehow for me, all this makes me feel that sex is not for me. i get really discouraged and feel cursed.

5. lastly, i do not like my sexual orientation. i hate being gay. hate it. it's awful. i get very upset when i hear presidential candidates and religious know-nothings say it's a choice. it isn't. if it were changeable, i would have changed long ago. their lies complicate my life and all LGBT peoples' lives terribly. so many people are scarred from it. i've experienced a lot of discrimination. so much discrimination that i have trouble holding a job. i'm really just a regular guy. my experiences have been so dismal that i no longer go out to meet anyone. i can't bring myself to date - can't say that i enjoy dating at all. i don't know how to change this.

i have been seeing a T but there has been no improvement. i am feeling very low and at my wit's end. it seems like i've tried everything. i can't seem to find anything that helps. my MD does not seem to care much about the physical problems because they keep me HIV- and STD-free. some therapists have not been able to help because they are trained to help sex addicts and drug addicts but not someone who is suffering but, to them, is functional. progress with my current therapist is very slow. i am very despondent and don't know how much longer i can hold out. i can't seem to make my life better. i feel that i am cursed.

[kindachaotic]

(((((unhappyguy))))) Please forgive my ignorance on this question.
If you hate being gay, are you attracted to women at all?

I so sorry about your health issues, especially how it effects your sex life.
Also wish your therapist was more help to you, could you consider getting another one?

I am straight but made terrible choices with men over & over...so I can relate.

Not much help here, just wanted you to know someone read your post & cares.

thanks for your comments. in answer to your question, i have no sexual attraction to women. never have.

therapy with me appears to be a slow process. my therapist is very good. my issues, sadly, are very difficult to treat.

[bpdruins]

Being gay isn't wrong. But society views it that way, and yeah there's a lot of discrimination. Find an area of the country that is more tolerant of your lifestyle and move there, for example san francisco or austin tx might be good choices. You'll find there are gay communities out there where you are welcome and that will lift your spirits I bet. As as the physical problems, I can't offer any advice.

[1butterfly]

Hugs,I have no wisdom,but could rant and rave like a lawyer defending your case.It makes me angry and sad that you have to even think about any of this.That you have to dissect yourself rather than just loving you for the good inside.I hear so much pain and turmoil from you,and want to offer you a hug.One human to another,for the sake of empathy alone.

thanks for your emotional support.

i live in NYC and am a native NYer. but, i don't fit in here - i am not competitive enough. i feel like i belong in a small town, not a big city.

i had an emergency meeting with my T today. my resiliency is not has strong as it used to be. i am not bouncing back. my problems overwhelm me so that i don't make a good impression with people. granted, they are not aware what i'm going through. and, i don't want to tell people all my troubles. it's a quandry. my T is trying to save me but i am not sure that i am saveable. i continue to be despondent and overwhelmed.

[objtrbit]

Hey there;

what would you say an ideal relationship would look like for you? It helps to know what you want;

I don't know how far you've checked into it, but maybe there is a reason and a cure for the itchyness after sex-and I'm just talkin bout when you do find a person you would like to engage in these types of activities with.

You never know who you'll meet lol. I've been in a relationship for about four months-I had all kinds of anxieties, thought I would never get into a relationship...for example I am a les "female"....lol, but I don't shave my legs. I used to think it would be hard to find someone becuase of that-my partner doesnt shave her legs either lol. Guess my point is you never know, but it does suck trying to find someone compatible, let alone just finding someone sometimes.

one last question-do you hate being gay because of the discrimination?

Hope the T visit went well for you,
take care,
-obj

[Inedible]

Originally Posted by unhappyguy

4. i have physical problems due to being glucose intolerant. i am prone to urinary tract infections and yeast infections after sex. i am deeply embarrassed by these physical problems. also, sometimes the day after sex, my skin gets very itchy. i have dry skin and have a good amount of body hair. somehow for me, all this makes me feel that sex is not for me. i get really discouraged and feel cursed.

You can look into d-mannose pills from suppliers such as Amazon.com, as they tend to flush bacteria from the bladder and urinary tract. Something to look into. It is a 5 carbon sugar, not at all like glucose.

Itchy skin sounds like an allergic reaction. If Benadryl doesn't make you drowsy you could take it and see if it helps. Also, I have found that allergies tend to be worse when dehydrated. Drinking extra water would help.

thanks for your suggestions. the UTI will usually clear up with a few doses of a product called Uristat. the real problem is that the UTIs repeatedly return. to avert the UTIs, i would have to be limited to masturbation. the limitation just isn't appealing and i'm not sure it would be conducive to entering into and maintaining a relationship. it makes me feel very inadequate. i will research the d-mannose pills. MDs have suggested that, immediately after sex, i get up and urinate but it doesn't always work and it repeatedly interrupts the most intimate of moments. needless to say, i dread sex and am deeply embarrassed about this condition.

the skin problem does appear to be fungal / bacterial or an allergic reaction of some sort. i am very allergic to dogs and cats as well as mold. and, i have problems with moisture - even my own perspiration - at times; it makes my skin itchy and red blotches appear. sometimes after showering, i have to douse my scalp in an astringent to stop itchiness and red blotches. i can use moisturizer on the dry skin areas but there are some parts of my body where i cannot apply anything because it will cause fungal infections.

yeah, i have met guys who i wanted to be in a relationship with but the interest was never mutual. it's not often that i meet someone who has a way about them that makes me swoon. it's not that i am picky - i fall for average masculine guys. it's even rarer when someone has an interest in me; at best, i am only average looking.

i am devastated by the discrimination that i have encountered over the years. it appears to be never ending. i am older and of a generation where others the same age continue their old ways of meaness and alienation. i lost a lot of friends to AIDS. and, i have deep spirituality problems. i have had some friends give up on their lives. slowly, i find myself following that path. i am more isolated than ever and am afraid to attempt anything socially. i feel defeated and tired of the battle.

[1butterfly]

Even more hugs,thinking of you.

[Zara18]

To Unhappy Guy,

Reading your thread really touched me and I feel sad and relate. I am a straight female but like you never meet the right person and also endure alot of discrimination in various ways.

All I can advise is perhaps to sit down and write down all of your good qualities-you must have them!!-and look at them regularly, and perhaps to make a vision board-it is one of those boards you can hang on the wall, like a tack board, and fill it with everything you want for yourself and your life. Then look at it several times a day for at least 20 minutes and visualise having and being those things. This idea is in The Secret dvd, it's also a book, can buy both online or in stores. It worked for me in 2 different ways. But unfortunately stress/life bogged me down again and I took it down years ago and havent made another one since.

There is nothing wrong with being gay! Only small minded ignorant ppl think there is. My parents, the so-called "good Christians" they are, are some of those ppl. I have nothing to do with them, it is not worth having toxic energy or ppl in your life.

Anyway, let me know how you go. Hope that helps.

thanks for all your comments. i don't know what is wrong with me. i just cannot feel comfortable being gay. it does not appeal to me at all and i do not fit in anywhere. and, i feel like i am not in control of my life. my T has explained that my parents never taught me how to deal with adversity and were not there for me emotionally. consequently, when something goes wrong, i fall apart. i am going to talk to my T tomorrow about the possibility of me being bipolar. perhaps treatment for that can help.

[michele#3]

To you guy. I quite understand about having mixed feelings about being gay. Those of us that are gay get all sorts of negative messages about it from childhood on. That makes it very understandable your feelings in regards to this. I know I have had mixed feelings all of my life about being gay myself. It even lead to my having a stupid marriage to a man.
All I can say is it gets better when you learn to love yourself and all of the things that make you you. Another thing that may help is having a T that that is either gay themselves or works for a gay counseling service. If you live in a major city this may be fairly easy to find.

[notz]

my friend guy, how was your therapy appointment?

hi, michelle & notz. thanks for your concern. my T says that I am not bipolar because I do not suffer from mania. there is a good chance that I have ADHD though. I meet with a Pdoc next week. It's not just the homophobes that I have problems with; I do not fit in gay society at all. I have had many gay therapists over the years and they were mostly disasters. I would get advice like, "why don't you cheer up and go to the theater?" (I have never enjoyed theater much.) "Go to a disco!" (Nope, not my scene either.) "You need to get laid!" (Ugh, promiscuity was never my thing either; don't like sleeping with strangers.) Also, I don't like drugs, can't drink (epilepsy), am not into sexual fetishes (no black leather for me) - in short - don't fit in anywhere. Had to give up sports (bad feet - can't run). My last gay T suggested I take up ping-pong as a substitute for tennis! (How would he know about sports - he never played one in his life.) My constant anxiety makes socializing difficult - the enjoyment is just not there. I have never asked but I think my current T is straight. It's not perfect but, at least, I am being treated for my problems and not being given useless advice. It's all pretty hopeless, due to a lack of nuturing and touching as a child, there is just nothing to fall back on to make me enjoy or understand relationships much. To survive, I had to distance myself from everyone. So, I don't bond with people easily. I don't know what it's going to take. Next week, I see a Pdoc but meds won't treat my issues. T's marvel at my will to live but I don't see my life changing for the better. It's so bad that when I try to have a relationship, I tend to emotionally freak out because it feels so foreign. I guess that's just who I am. Being the way I am is the best I can do.

[michele#3]

Guy, I understand what you are saying about not wanting to do things that your former T suggested. Let's face it this stuff isn't the only things that gay men like. I am sure you could find others gays that share your interests. I know it can be hard, especially if you are wary of people. I myself am somewhat limited socially do to my social phobia but I do have friends and acquaintences that are gay and have psych issues themselves. Heck, I even have a girlfriend (wonder of wonders). So it is possible.

Thanks, Michelle. I don't see anything helping me with my gay issues. Being gay is so far out of my comfort zone. My T says he can help me learn coping skills that I was never taught / learned. Frankly, I think there's more to it than that since I have several physical problems with sex that complicate things.

I have been treated cruelly over the years at school and especially on the job. I am not able to deal with it anymore. I try to stay home as much as possible because socially I am a total failure. And, I am not up to trying anymore. More failure is just too painful.

To others in the community, I am sexually stuck up because I am uncomfortable with sexuality. I don't like to sleep around much - tried it at the encouragement of old friends - but did not enjoy sex without intimacy. Not that I've had a lot of chances - I'm far from being what is considered good looking. Still, being unattractive and seeking intimacy helped a lot when the AIDS plague struck because no one wanted to sleep with me. I lost some of my best friends from the plague. And, the friends that survived, in retrospect, where dysfunctional and actually hurt me. I learned too late just how dysfunctional they were. They are gone now - they gave up on their lives - and I am on my own.

Right now, I need to get a job and a new career. My last two employers harrassed me for months until the anxiety and stress made me explode. Now, no one wants to hire me. I did not get physically violent - I just yelled at them for treating me so badly. [I grew up in a home where, especially mom, screamed all the time.] The daily job stress grew so bad that I would come home not have the energy to brush my teeth or take off my clothes before going to bed. I would work late everyday and not catch up. My work was good and so was my productivity - I just accepted jobs in bad places where no one survives. And, according to my T, grew up in a dysfunctional home that made me unable to recognize the danger brewing on the job; danger that resembled my youthful home life. From what I learned here at PC, these bosses met the definition of psychopaths - they enjoyed making others suffer and destroying their careers. Since I am gay, that made me an easy (and desirable) target.

Over the years I've done a lot of counseling but it has not helped much. Cognitive therapy was a disaster and mention of it brings back bad memories. The 12-step probram CoDA was also a disaster. I objected to someone touching me inappropriately after a meeting and was made a pariah. I've tried doing volunteer work but have not found acceptance there either. My allergies prevent me from even having pets. I have stopped believing in god because the god I was raised with is anti-gay. I drag myself to temp jobs where they really like my work but will not hire me. It appears that it is legal to harrass employees but it is career destroying to object to the harrassment. Who in their right mind would hire a 54 year old unhappy and unattractive fag like me? I am running out of money and am out of hope.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by unhappyguy

2. when i do meet someone, i feel that i am not worthy. both my parents rejected me on several levels and were very cold emotionally. my emotional needs - especially from my mother - were never met.

I wonder if your problem begins here, with your parents.

If you grew up thinking your parents didn't love you, that would explain a lot of your current distress.

Psychotherapy might help.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I wonder if your problem begins here, with your parents.

If you grew up thinking your parents didn't love you, that would explain a lot of your current distress.

Psychotherapy might help.

I am seeing a T twice a week and am working on this issue. There was a lot of neglect, emotional abuse and deprivation in my childhood. Basically, my mother raised me to be her caretaker. Most of my prior T's used CBT but that has been ineffective in treating my issues. Recently, my past employer switched HMO plans and now I have to find a new T as my current one does not meet their educational requirements. So, I continue to have major issues. My current T is a psychoanalyst and that approach, while painfully slow, is helping. But HMOs don't want to pay for it. Ultimately, I've been the one who has been paying over the years by receiving psychological care that was not helpful in curing my deep seated emotional issues.

Q. "What do you do when finding love is impossible?"

I quit looking for it outside of me and turned the focus within. I figure until I can truly learn to love and care about myself, then how can I expect it from somebody else.

Good Luck & Best Wishes ...

Broken Cloud - Hi. I've heard that suggestion before from several ineffective therapists and self-help books. It didn't work and it didn't help then as well as now. Unfortunately, there is no simple solution to my emotional ills. I need psychotherapy. I am sure your advice is well intentioned though.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by unhappyguy

Broken Cloud - Hi. I've heard that suggestion before from several ineffective therapists and self-help books. It didn't work and it didn't help then as well as now. Unfortunately, there is no simple solution to my emotional ills. I need psychotherapy. I am sure your advice is well intentioned though.

One of the great benefits of therapy for me was that I gained the ability to see love in other people.