Sex Issue/problem

My issue is more to do with health issues and how they destroyed my libido, how I felt about my body and the fact that I have also had a lot of pain in that area so a lot of the time it's out of the question....so completely different....

But my other issue is of being controlled by someone else...ie feeling under obligation to them....almost like a fear of rape...that that person has rights over you etc....when I feel it's completely mutual, no pressure etc I'm fine with it....even if I do have to fake being in the mood....at least I'm faking it cos I want to not cos the guy is going to throw a strop or leave me if I don't....I get screwed up about this....can you relate....or is it more to do with guilt....

I'm almost the opposite....can't imagine feeling guilty about sex....but I have felt guilty about NOT wanting sex....worry about letting the other person down....that they'll get bored etc...even though it's not my fault it's cos of health stuff. think my issue is mainly to do with the emotional impact of my physical illness and on the other hand some fears and issues I have because of a relationship I had in my teens where I was treated with not much respect.... like just a "bird" who was for "shagging" and has a duty to do that whether she wants to or not....regardless of the fact it was eating away at me emotionally (I know it's icky but I think I rushed into that situation when I was a teenager and I don't think I was ready emotionally) but I think that has left me with some issues now....particularly since this health stuff has come up.....

Could your issue be similar.....to do with being controlled by a man as though you are a lesser being to him.....rather than a guilt thing?

Then I have other issues, more OCD like....such as "Do I really even fancy men? Do I feel like this cos I'm really gay? Should I be having a relationship with a man in the first place? Am I really suppressing my true sexuality?" etc etc etc.....

My mind is a messy place.....

I don't have any condition but I relate to that feeling. It feels like something was taken away from me before I have the chance to even own it. I, also feel great shame about myself.

I've noticed recently something else about myself. I don't refuse to people (not about sex but almost anything). If there is anyway I can do what there are asking me I will do it even if I don't want to, so they will not dislike me, or at least I will avoid being in a situation where we can argue or fight or something else that might cause me great anxiety. That also makes me feel bad about myself, but refusing makes me feel guilty. What I can say is that every time I've been with a men it was not only NOT initiated but me, but because the would literally plead for sex, and I refuse but they will continue and I don't like being in the position of refusing (the bad guy) so at the end I will agree, because my two options are to agree or never see that person again. (it's just the way i feel about the situation)

Another thing is I do have some desire for sex, but I c an never imagine it with real person. It feels like I'm abusing them, at the same time when I am with a person it feels against my will.

Yes, I think that sounds very accurate, it's just that me letting them down is because of me, not of health stuff. I think I have a huge issue with myself and my body.

And yes, a lot of worrying thoughts as well. It's awful. It's like two people constantly arguing!!!

Thank you (and to the other people that posted in this topic). It has helped me realize some things I haven't noticed before about myself. Also thank you for sharing your experience, I feel bad that you are in similar position, it must be even worst. I would imagine I would feel angry and powerless having health issues that prevent me from normal relationships. Is there any possibility that you will get better?

Yeh hopefully....I mean at the moment it would be impossible for me to have penetrative sex because I'm in a lot of pain (there all the time from a medical condition, would prevent me from attempting to have sex in the first place...and it wouldn't be wise at the mo) just to clarify that as sometimes when I explain it they just think I mean pain during sex and that it's a psychological thing about sex....it's not....it's because of a physical illness.

However it has affected me emotionally and psychologically as I'm so used to being in pain in that area that it has made me really screwed up about sex and relationships as it has become a source of stress rather than a source of fun,pleasure, love etc....sex should be about all the good things in life....

I'm doing everything I can to get my physical health sorted out....and then hopefully I should start to feel better emotionally....in the meantime if I was in a relationship I would be happy to have non penetrative sex....more than happy to....but recently my libido has gone to almost non existent (again a symptom of my health problem) but when all this is sorted out (which I really hope it will be) I'm hoping I can overcome all of this....

I think my issues are caused by a combination of two things one of my first serious relationships when I was younger was with someone who was really pushy, didn't care about me, was using me, made me feel as though I didn't have basic human rights over my own body and the right to sexual autonomy...I genuinely felt that I was really frigid and uptight (despite the fact that up until then I had always had a completely normal, healthy attitude to sex and had all of these feelings and no anxiety or emotionally confusing issues around it at all....and I felt completely intimidated by the whole situation etc...I know this is teenage stuff but I really started to feel as though it wasn't my body anymore etc....and it put me off for a long time....I got over it (or thought I had) and after that was fine with sex as long as it seemed like an equal thing (not feeling pressurised or made to feel it's something you just do for the man and it doesn't matter whether you want to or not). Then when my health condition started it stirred all these old issues up again big time....

i was recently suggested about the autistic spectrum, but even autistic people have relationships. I was wondering if it can be the reason why I don't ike intimacy. Any thoughts or suggestions? Im trying to think of what disorder can be causing this since i dont find faults in the way i think nor i have history of sexual abuse.( even s. abused ppl manage to have relationships).

It doesn't have to be a disorder at all....you're still only in your twenties, you might just not have even met the right guy yet...a lot of people haven't....some people only have one partner their whole life....being single doesn't necessarily mean you have a disorder....

I can relate to your problems, though mine is slightly different, nor will i be able to help--because i don't know the answer to my own issues!

First of all, I am also female...but 31 and still a virgin Not because of any religious convictions, not because i am waiting to meet "the one," and really I don't know WHY i am so afraid of sex, but I am. I've been in therapy for a little over 4 years and still can't touch this topic. So if you can do it in your second session, you are well on your way!

I think I was just a late bloomer/naive in the ways of sex when I was a teen. I had a couple short-term boyfriends, and one long-term one in HS. His family was very Christian, so there wasn't going to be any sex...except I don't even think I THOUGHT about having sex with him-though we did "fool around."

In college I never really dated. I played rugby and basically hung out with all my friends most of the time.I dated this one dude for about a month but his intensity freaked me out. I dreaded going on dates somewhere where we'd be alone because I knew there was the expectation of some sort of intimacy. Kissing/making out, sure...much more past that and it freaks me out. This guy looked me in the eye one night and goes "I want you." I'm pretty sure I broke up with him the next day!

What really gets me confused is that after college I dated a cousin of a really good friend; and he and I had been casual friends for a few years. He was perfect to me..."on paper." He was attractive, funny, sweet, had the same world view as me, PATIENT, and overall a great guy. And for some reason really, really liked me. We had "hooked up" (lots of fondling, i guess) a few times before we dated, and those few times I was very drunk. I do remember enjoying it. When we dated, I didn't mind us going out, but it was whenever we came back to my apartment that I freaked. As the night would get closer to ending I'd dread it more and more and think of ways I could be like "good night, see ya!" and not have to worry about what could come next.

He knew I was a virgin, he knew I needed to go slow, and he NEVER pushed me to do anything I didn't want to do. These are all great things...and yet, after a month or two I broke it off with him. It was too much.

Since then (8 years ago...eesh), I haven't even remotely tried dating. I know that if you meet someone that truly cares for you,t hey won't put pressure on you-and I DID meet someone that didn't...and it still freaked me out. We are still friends though and he STILL is like "you can always come visit me..." even though he has been married and divorced.

That was quite a long ramble, sorry. I understand your feelings and not understanding what is wrong. The tiny bit I have brought up with my T--I told her once that I thought maybe I was just asexual. She said that she didn't think so, but I could turn off those needs, so it feels like I never had them. Which is the truth in my overall life. I don't even like the word "needs" when it comes to me! BUT, i also wouldn't say i had "trauma" in my life, either. That is where I am stuck, and mostly feel like it always will be like that. Especially since I may never actually talk about any of this in therapy.

I know that was completely unhelpful-but just another story to show you are not alone

Velcro003, i must say our problems seem very similar. At the moment i am really concidering being asexual. Intimacy really freaks me out. If i have any trauma that might be the reason for this it is either my relationship with my mother or my early sexual experience, bu i remembre having this problem years befor i lost my verginity. ( for the last 10years i had sex like once and dont plan on having any more any time soon.)

thank for opening here. I think it is very sensitive subject. i might send a pm later but im working at the moment.

also i would be hapy to hear fr u if u ever resolve your issue.

I know....I can really relate....at the moment, I'm going through so much with my physical health at the moment, I really don't feel like I can cope with being in a relationship at all because of it all....everywhere I go, people assume I want that and feel they have to give me "advice" on meeting someone, when it's the last thing I want at the moment and I obviously I don't want to explain why....I'm starting to avoid people altogether because of it.

I find weird when I feel some guy is hitting on me. They always take it so personal when they get turned down and I also find it very difficult to communicate what I mean in a flirty way (even if it is a no), so I just try to avoid those situations. Another thing is when people ask me, do u have a boyfriend/ are you married/ do you want kids and so on. I
The advice thing irritates me when it comes to my depression.

I get this too.....it's annoying.

There are good an patient guys out there. My husband dated a girl (who I knew well) before we dated. He broke it off with her because he was not into the "get a room type" of public displays of affection. He did not want to be with a girl who sex was all she wanted. Good thing because I'm the polar opposite of this girl.
My husband and I waited a long time. We had lots of discussions about what we had been threw with others prior to this, what we wanted out of our relationship it we did have sex, any boundries we may have. My poor husband I must have scared him to death. Apparently not though. The first time we did it, it was in the dark, I kept my shirt on, and it was all o.k. No big fireworks but no big panic attack either. We didn't have sex often, it always always included lots of conversation before hand.
Guys are nervous to. They have a lot on there mind as far as sex goes. It's not all SEX, SEX, SEX. A guy who is worth having is one who cares and one who waits. If he's only interested in sex don't stay around. Good guys exist.

I think in my case it is a psychological trauma and I have problems connecting with people as well. I have been diagnosed know with a personality disorder.

I had have the same problem and the solution is a sense of freedom to surrender to a nice young man affectionate you trust

my wife want **** sex why
she want pain why

i dont like to do so bt she will get mad of sex
what can i do??????

A good book to read might be, "Sexual Anorexia" by Patrick Carnes. I am working on some of the exact issues you mentioned - it is not easy but therapy has really helped.

Thank you. I might look at that. I am just discovering that I have a lot of anxiety issues so I'm thinking it might be connected.

Please wait for therapy - you really need individual attention and individual exploration. Self-help books are like mass marketing and your case is too complex for that.

sorry this must be outdated

No, I just don't visit often. I actually want to read the book for the information and examples provided. I am incapable of using self-help books. I don't think I can solve this problem by my own, but from what I have found out the book is about Sexual Avoidance Disorder and it does seem to ring some trough. This might be just sexually oriented anxiety, but I do know it is a problem for me.

Thank you for posting and I am sorry for the late answer. I should be coming here more often.

You do not have to do that - instead, you need to set up email alerts to updates on your threads: the default subscription mode should be daily email.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/profi...do=editoptions

That is what I did. :]

See how quick I am now

I actually started reading the book and find it very good. It doesn't just look into sexual health but social problems as well. I think it is spot-on about so many things.