Sex Issue/problem

So I am a female. Mid 20s.

I have this problem for many years now. I have a lot of issues (trust, relationship, depression and other) but what I think is a huge problem for overcoming the other problems is my problem with sex. I think I could help myself overcome trust issues and other if I was able to have any kind of relationship with the opposite sex.

My problem is: I don't mind sex, I just can't have sex with another person. I don't know why. I'm scared and I get anxious and I freak out when it comes to intimacy. It feel violent, it feel wrong, it feels like I'm doing something against my wishes, like being violated.

I just can't relax and enjoy it. I can't overcome this with random sex, but it is the most important thing for men. If someone likes me and expects a normal relationship how can I even put him in a position where he would have to wait for me or even help me with this (and it may take year!)? And from my experience men will say anything (incl. sure I'll wait) and still will hope and any possibility will be forcing you into it (which only makes me worst)

The other things is there are so many girls out there, how can I expect someone to choose me with this problem when it is not normal for someone my age?

So I remember having this problem and this really intense FEAR since I probably was ready sexually (beginning of puberty). I'm having this problem for about maybe 13 years now and haven't managed to help myself. Because I was so scared of it, for the first half of those years I would deny myself that I want/need relationship . I would scare men with my behaviour so they don't approach me and therefor I will not be in the position where we get to intimacy and I freak out. Later I tried to change this but things got worst with every try for a relationship. And I always freak out, pretending not to doesn't help.

I'm not even sure why do I want to fix myself. Is it because I've never had any kind of relationship or is it because I think it is not normal. All I know is - it is really bugging me. How can I approach men with knowing I'm not capable of normal sexual relationship, or how can I help myself by my own?

If anyone can relate or help, give advice or guidance how can I help myself I would really appreciate it.

Thank you for reading.
in.neverland

I don't have any advice to solve this for you - but I get the difficulty of maybe needing someone understanding to help you through this, but when you are not in a relationship how you find that person.

Have you ever considered exploring this with a counsellor or therapist?

Thank you for replying and understanding SoupDragon,

I'm currently waiting for 12 sessions of therapy and I'm gonna wait probably half a year or more. I have a lot of issues to resolve with my past. I'm not sure what kind of therapy it will be or if it is gonna help me. If I have the chance I'm gonna bring it up but I can't wait six months for something that might or might not happen.

I was wondering if there are any self help books or someone has gotten trough a similar problem and can give advice I know the chance of that is small but I decided it's time to admit this problem and start looking more actively for a solution.

i tried to google this but couldn't find any information. The only thing now is that i realized that i don't know what is the actual problem. One i do have a trust/relationship problem, but how do i know if i have a real sexual problem as well or not? All of my sexual experience has been unpleasant and witbout having orgasm. Now im just getting scared that I'm just disfunctional and that is why i am suppresing any chance/desire for relationship, because i dont want to pretend. I really don't know. How can i help myself if. i don't even know what's the fraking problem.

I've just read your post...and what I'm sensing (I may be completely wrong) is that you feel as though nobody will want you unless you are prepared to sleep with them sooner than you really feel you want to or feel comfortable with....it is perfectly fine to date guys, get to know them or just be friends with guys or even have a relationship without feeling under any obligation to jump into bed with them...it could be a self esteem issue in that you don't feel as though you are valuable enough or good enough for someone to want you for you....people have sex because they WANT to....it's not something you have to do to make someone stay with you...if you feel as though you are being violated, used or doing something against your wishes that is because you ARE!!! and you don't have to...just focus on your self esteem and then on getting to know guys, if you naturally fall in love with someone and a relationship develops and you want to take things further sexually...you just will...don't put any pressure on yourself or let someone pressure you....only have a sexual relationship with someone because you want to...you are not wierd for not wanting to rush into sex with every guy you go on a few dates with....plenty of people wait!

hi, in.neverland. i am a guy but relate very much to your story because we are very similar. i was raised in a family that never wanted me to be sexual so that i could take care of my parents. i never bonded with my parents who, to me, were very cold. the lack of knowledge/teaching and bonding has made it difficult to forge friendships and romantic relationships.

i have decided that in the future, i will always take things very slow. i have to because it is all new/foreign to me. however, everyone wants to fall in head over heels love right away and sleep together. or, have casual, recreational sex. those things are not for me and, i sense, also not for you. i have freaked out when i realised that i slept with someone who i was not in love with. it made me feel like i did not know what i was doing. it's also a shock to sleep with someone only to find out that you have nothing in common, or totally different values about things. dating is important - it's about screening. friends have told me that it would be best to only sleep with people who i have known for a long time and whom i trust. i sense that this advice may also pertain to you and that's why i am sharing it.

as children, we learn fairy tales and sometimes we believe that life is actually like that only to have a rude awakening that it really isn't. in fact, it isn't like that at all! it takes a lot of growing up to understand what life is really like and to adjust our belief systems. in my case, it was 12 years of religious education that taught me all these principles that, in real life, are just principles and not reality. i thought i was learning something but, in fact, i was not. i think counseling may help you. a few self-help books might too including sexual instruction books. basically, i would recommend that you build a circle of friends who have similar values and who understand your need to take things slowly. friends who you could share life stories with. their support and information will be invaluable to you. i wish you all the best.

It also sounds as though you are comparing yourself to other girls who you feel have more sexual experience than you...and that you find this intimidating (so did I)...but just remember, they may not have, anyone can act confident....I know when I was younger I used to let people think I had what at the time I thought was the "normal" amount of sexual experience for my age....when in fact I had no experience at all...the difference being....I was secretly quite happy with that fact....I didn't mind waiting for the right person, that's what I wanted to do (but I just didn't want to be laughed at by other girls so I kept it to myself...and I've often wondered if other people do).

It's as though you feel that finding love and being in a relationship is dependent on being able to win this sex competition...ie be better at sex and better looking than all the other girls...but it really isn't...would you even want a relationship with a man who was that shallow....? When you find someone who you really want to be with, he will love you for you....just get to know guys, forget about sex for the time being as it sounds as though you are putting way too much pressure on yourself...

When you do meet someone you would like to have a sexual relationship with...don't rush into it...be honest that you are inexperienced....they will most likely be flattered that you have chosen them....you get good at sex by communicating with your partner....not by practising on tons of other people who meant nothing to you or who just used you and running the risk of getting an STD while your at it....and for what to have a whole bunch of experiences you regret that pushed your anxiety levels sky high all because you see not wanting to jump into bed with every other guy as some sort of psychological problem.....?

I think it's really sad that we have reached a stage in this society where a young girl in her twenties would even entertain the idea that needing to take things slowly in a relationship is some sort of mental health issue....only thirty years ago people used to worry about sex in almost the opposite way...ie they'd want reassurance that they hadn't committed some kind of mortal sin for so much as daring to sleep with someone they weren't married to (not that we should go back to those days because it was ridiculous....I'm a big believer in freedom).

Feminists fought for us to have freedom sexually (and so we should) and it's fantastic that we can now have sexual relationships and feel good about them...and that we are no longer shunned by society just because we have had a baby without being married....and we're no longer called names just because we've had a lot of sexual partners....but they didn't fight for us to feel under enourmous pressure every time we so much as go on a date with someone....or to feel we need to rush into sexual relationships we do not feel comfortable with for fear of losing the guy if we don't....or that our self worth and value in relationships all hinges on how good looking we are and how great at sex we are....

You have freedom....it's your body....value yourself and believe that you are worth being loved for who you are...then when you choose to have a sexual relationship with someone your confidence in that area will grow as you will be able to discuss your anxieties with that person...and build on your confidence sexually by communicating with each other....have fun with it....find out between you what feels good and what doesn't. This will take the anxiety out of it...sex is supposed to be fun....

A lot of people feel like this because of the media and that we are bombarded with this idea that we are nothing unless we look like glamour models and are at it like porn stars from as young an age as possible....but what about love....what about self esteem....what about just dating, getting to know someone and having a relationship that has a good solid foundation there based on mutal love and caring about each other....

You say you have had this problem since early puberty when you started to have sexual feelings...but you had this fear....it's natural to have these feelings when you start to reach your teenage years....and it's also natural to have some anxiety about who you let into your sexual world....so the fact that you were curious about sex yet reticent about who you would trust to have a relationship with is perfectly normal....I bet EVERY woman felt like that because obviously we have sexual needs but we also have a need to protect ourselves physically and emotionally....because not all men are nice....

But there are so many nice guys out there who would love to be with you...you just haven't found the right one yet....guys who would be happy to take things slowly and to develop a relationship with you before you even think about whether you would both like it to become sexual...I know it's old fashioned but guys really respect girls that don't rush into sex....also it makes you seem more attractive and more appealing to them...because during that time...sexually your a bit of a mystery....and as time goes on they are to you as well so that attraction becomes a lot stronger and more meaningful than it would if you had have just jumped right into bed together.... those feelings become stronger to the point of being all consuming....plus the fact that you have a genuine friendship and a relationship built on genuine love and trust....don't forget some guys are inexperienced as well...and they get nervous sexually especially when they are with someone they really want to impress....

Sex is part of being human...but being inexperienced and nervous when you get into a new relationship and overcoming it is also part of being human...none of us are born sexually confident....it just appears that way as while people talk about sex....it's still taboo to admit to not being that confident etc.

Everyone's issues are distinct and different. it's hard to find answers to your own questions in someone else's posts or problem descriptions. Sounds like you need a patient lover who wants you no matter how long it takes and it sounds like you also need a professional to lay out a plan for you. good luck!

I think Ceriane hit the nail on the head. There's no pressure. No man worth his salt (key phrase is the "worth his salt" part) will want you to give yourself to them without YOU being ready. That's important. While there are certainly men who are in it just for sex, there are plenty more who are more than willing to wait that year you mentioned to be ready. It's just a matter of finding him.

As for it feeling violent....or against your wishes...it doesn't have to be that way....that does sound like pushing yourself into situations that you don't really want....which you don't have to....your not obliged. Just get to know someone and if you want to have a sexual relationship with them....get to know each others bodies etc....do what makes both of you feel good....that's the whole point....just do what feels right...you don't have to lie there while someone masturbates into you....that's not what having a good sex life is about....

Ceriane is right on (you should write advice professionally if u don't already!)
Before I met my husband, sex was an afterthought for me. I wasn't that interested, I didn't know how to orgasm...so all the sex I did have with my pre-husband BFs was that: "okay, do your thing dude, and then let me go clean up..." style sex...not sexy at all. I was really confused about the rest of the world's seeming obsession with sex, and I would dream of finding a man who was down for a sexless relationship (not in this lifetime, not in this country!) All of this was before I met a sweet and gentle giant at the computer lab job I got at university. We worked together as coworkers and friends for 2 YEARS before we even started dating. Over that time I got to know him, he got to know me, and we gradually fell in love (all of this with no sex, no kissing, no nothin...just talking and being around each other). Finally, he made me a sweet and cheesy mixCD, declaring his love to me. At first I FREAKED! I hadn't allowed myself to even see him in that light because he was so different from other men I'd been with...but I realized, I didn't really even like those other guys and here I have this amazingly sweet, considerate, and caring man declaring his love to me...wtf am I NOT with him already? From there, things went fast, but only because we had that 2 year friendship and knowledge of each other to build on. To this day he is a compassionate and patient lover who never wants to force sex if I'm not in the mood, is open to trying new things for fun or exploration, and who holds my enjoyment and pleasure above even his own. I'm not saying there are many men like this out there, but they ARE out there and in my experience the best thing you can do is wait, be patient, move at your own pace, and demand, for yourself, a lover who will not only allow you this patience, but will love you all the more for it.

I just came back to this topic,
I was surprised to find so much new responses, didn't expect it.

I think my problem is part of a different problem. I recently had my first therapy session and it was confirmed that I have psychological trauma. The next time I see him I will raise this sex problem as well. While the sex is a huge part of the problem it is not only that. The more I know someone the less I have the desire to be touched or to touch that person. I can't create/keep any relationships as well. My problem doesn't come from the stories of happily ever after, or the society. But I'm also not sure I will be able to solve it anytime soon. I have told t myself many things, but logic not always can change the way we feel toward something. Anyway I have to go to work now, when I come home I will read more carefully and possibly reply again.

Thank you so much for the responses and the shared personal experience.
hugs.

I have something similar, I guess. I did a lot of research and couldn't find anything that could help me, so I gave up and now I consider myself asexual. You can look here: www.aven.org for that.

I used to google things like "sexual aversion" and "sexual anorexia" and stuff would come up. Maybe looking at things like sacred sexuality would help you, too. No idea. Those are just the things I looked at.

Yeah in the morning when I read all the responses I was little offended, I mean my problem is psychological and real and I am sharing something really personal. Maybe it is not phrased well but in the answers people are trying to make me believe that what I feel is normal! Well it might be for some other people. For me this is a real issue not a teenager's drama as it turns out. What I mean is that you might be thinking that I am looking for comfort and support for my believe system, what I am saying is - this is no my believe system, this is wrong and against myself, help me set myself free. I really really appreciate the very good answers, but those were the answers I was giving to myself ten years ago. My problem again is not what society expects, it is in the walls around me, and the limitations and fears.

Also the definition of disorder is: lasting for long periods of time and preventing a person from leading a normal life. Normal life in our case would be - life that we want or any life would better then no life. That is why all the comparing.

Damn, I know I sound harsh I don't mean to, but my defenses are down at the moment and I become this absolutely arrogant *****
Please don't hate me I just tend to behave self destructively. I guess I just get angry cause no one can help me, not you problem though!

I've just re read my answer...and I'm cringing....I realise that what I've said is more something that belongs in a teenage problem page....I think in a way I was almost writing to my teenage self as I went through a time when I thought I had issues, just because I used to constantly date really pushy guys and I started to fear the idea of being raped so much I avoided relationships altogether (cos it nearly happened once).

Obviously sexual trauma is something that can really impact on your life and I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through... it may take a lot of work with a therapist to overcome what has happened to you....I don't mean pretend it hasn't happened....but to acknowledge what has happened, come to terms with how you feel about it and decide how you want to move on from there.....I think it is possible that with the right help you will be able to have the relationships that you deserve to have....this doesn't have to destroy your ability to love and to ruin sex for you in the future....

I have similar issues now (not when I was a teenager....I just got sick of going out with guys who didn't care about me and were only after one thing....however I did have a couple of sexual relationships after that in my late teens early twenties and didn't have these issues.....the issues I have now are because of an experience I had (so again trauma)....and also because of a debilitating illness that caused problems for me sexually (literally/physically) and caused my libido to become non existent...and changed how I feel about my body....a relationship I had ended because of this (because it just became stressful) when I tried to explain this to people they didn't understand and dished out simplistic teenage problem page advice as though they thought I was a naive inexperienced little virgin when I was far from it.....I stopped wanting sex because of a health issue and how it had completely affected my body, my libido, my sexual confidence, my body image etc etc.....and it changed me.....it was so frustrating to hear this "advice" from people....so I really am sorry about what I wrote and how I completely misread and misinterpreted your problem.

I've just re read my answer...and I'm cringing....I realise that what I've said is more something that belongs in a teenage problem page....I think in a way I was almost writing to my teenage self as I went through a time when I thought I had issues, just because I used to constantly date really pushy guys and I started to fear the idea of being raped so much I avoided relationships altogether (cos it nearly happened once).

Obviously sexual trauma is something that can really impact on your life and I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through... it may take a lot of work with a therapist to overcome what has happened to you....I don't mean pretend it hasn't happened....but to acknowledge what has happened, come to terms with how you feel about it and decide how you want to move on from there.....I think it is possible that with the right help you will be able to have the relationships that you deserve to have....this doesn't have to destroy your ability to love and to ruin sex for you in the future....

I have similar issues now (not when I was a teenager....I just got sick of going out with guys who didn't care about me and were only after one thing....however I did have a couple of sexual relationships after that in my late teens early twenties and didn't have these issues.....the issues I have now are because of an experience I had (so again trauma)....and also because of a debilitating illness that caused problems for me sexually (literally/physically) and caused my libido to become non existent...and changed how I feel about my body....a relationship I had ended because of this (because it just became stressful) when I tried to explain this to people they didn't understand and dished out simplistic teenage problem page advice as though they thought I was a naive inexperienced little virgin when I was far from it.....I stopped wanting sex because of a health issue and how it had completely affected my body, my libido, my sexual confidence, my body image etc etc.....and it changed me.....it was so frustrating to hear this "advice" from people....so I really am sorry about what I wrote and how I completely misread and misinterpreted your problem.[/quote]

Hunny I'm really grateful for your answer. You took the time to write so much and in a such a detail and really tried to give me advice. I wasn't mad at you as much is I was mad at the other people saying you've hit the nerve I'm sending you a lot of hugs.

Also I was not sexually abused, but have psychological trauma (maybe another type of abuse), and I think they might be connected because nothing else comes to mind that would be the reason for my sexual and relationship limitations. I think when something happens to us (any kind of traumatic event) it really changes our personality on so many levels that sometimes you don't know from where to start solving your problems. This is one big problem I find really frustrating and I'm sorry to hear you are in a similar situation.

Please forgive me if I was one of the people that offended you. It wasn't at all my intention.

I do hope things go well for you with your therapy though, and I wish you my best.

I may not have read everything correctly or completely, but this is just something I thought I'd mention that helped me (also female, early 20's). Have you analyzed whether there is a difference in your reactions to sex if the other initiates it versus if you initiate it? Don't know if that has anything to do with what you're dealing with or not, but I figured I'd throw it out there anyway. Reason being: I'm completely disgusted with the thought of and feel extremely violated by sex with guys, unless I am the one who initiates it. (and I mean concerning everything, down to the very first flirt) It took me a very long time to realize this pattern and i was frustratingly confused for quite a while. (With women, I'm comfortable regardless of who initiates.) I must also add though, for validity's sake, that regardless, I prefer masterbation over sex with either gender, as it feels more natural to me and because I usually afterwards regret when I give someone else the opportunity because I usually end up feeling like they aren't as "worthy" as I thought before the sex happened. Sorry I rambled too much, just trying to give any info that might help.

That's okay....hope it all goes well for you! ((Hugs))

Thank you. Yes I have noticed I can't initiate, but I'm also very reluctant when they do and still feel violated. Usually I need alcohol and still I feel pretty bad afterwords. I think the other person being under the influence of alcohol also helps me to relax.

I have read through these posts since I related to your concerns in.neverland. As a matter of fact, it is the whole reason I joined these chat rooms because I couldn't stand it nagging at me day in and day out.
I don't know if you would put it this way but I almost see it as feeling guilt about my own sexuality. It just feels wrong and dirty, some people would say I was seeing it as a "sin" but I am not religious and believe sex is a natural and important part of our lives. But I can't shake that feeling when I masturbate, let alone the idea of sharing myself sexually with another. It stops me dead in my tracks!
I saw it as an issue of just getting comfortable seeing myself in a sexual way, meaning I have been pushing out of my "comfort zone" and that has actually pushed me to seek some third party because I want to work on this but can't be objective because if I had it my way I would recoil back into my old ways. So I started going to chatrooms and "having sex" seeing it as a baby step towards the real thing, but it is causing me a lot of anxiety so I am not sure yet if it is helping or just wrong move.
I am sorry if my ranting doesn't give you any concrete answers, but at the very least know, you are not the only one.

Never thought of it from that perspective. I recently realized I feel guilty for my own existence and I usually fee anxious just being in a room with other people unless I think they like me, so I think if this is the way I see myself it is also logical that it would reflect on my 'sex' life as well.

I have tried to challenge my intimate issues but I seem to not be able to have intimacy with people I know (or least I can't ask anyone for something like that) and I think being intimate with people I don't know (that well) only makes things worst, so pushing out of the comfort zone brings great stress.

I was wondering if this is part of another condition as well or problems coming from childhood (which would be my justification for any problem I have!). I'm also wondering if you are a man or a woman. Strange that mostly men relate to this topic.

Thanks for sharing. It was useful and valid opinion.

I am glad something useful is coming out of my own confusion.

And just to let you know, I am a woman and I find it interesting that your experience seems to be that men relate to this topic. Never really thought about it from a gender perspective.

My issue is more to do with health issues and how they destroyed my libido, how I felt about my body and the fact that I have also had a lot of pain in that area so a lot of the time it's out of the question....so completely different....

But my other issue is of being controlled by someone else...ie feeling under obligation to them....almost like a fear of rape...that that person has rights over you etc....when I feel it's completely mutual, no pressure etc I'm fine with it....even if I do have to fake being in the mood....at least I'm faking it cos I want to not cos the guy is going to throw a strop or leave me if I don't....I get screwed up about this....can you relate....or is it more to do with guilt....

I'm almost the opposite....can't imagine feeling guilty about sex....but I have felt guilty about NOT wanting sex....worry about letting the other person down....that they'll get bored etc...even though it's not my fault it's cos of health stuff. think my issue is mainly to do with the emotional impact of my physical illness and on the other hand some fears and issues I have because of a relationship I had in my teens where I was treated with not much respect.... like just a "bird" who was for "shagging" and has a duty to do that whether she wants to or not....regardless of the fact it was eating away at me emotionally (I know it's icky but I think I rushed into that situation when I was a teenager and I don't think I was ready emotionally) but I think that has left me with some issues now....particularly since this health stuff has come up.....

Could your issue be similar.....to do with being controlled by a man as though you are a lesser being to him.....rather than a guilt thing?