Sexual Aversion Disorder?

I discovered this term recently and realized it may actually describe my attitudes toward sex, which I've been devastated to learn don't fit into any orientation.

It goes like this: my attitudes toward sex range from curiosity to terror, with boredom being a frequent stopping point. In general the thought of having sex either doesn't interest me...or it terrifies me. I've literally broken down in tears from reading about people's sexual exploits (in an attempt to desensitize myself) I ended up so terrified.

The only sexual encounter I ever had was cybersex with someone I had built up a relationship with, and I did even that reluctantly - I was bored halfway through and mentally wiped out the next day, though anxiety was minimal. He talked later about us sleeping together for real and everything in me just panicked; we ended up breaking it off before anything happened.

It seems I've always had some aversion to sexual stuff - however, I have a libido, I masturbate periodically (though, never with insertion. I don't even wear tampons. The thought of having anything up there makes me want to faint and honestly is one thing that causes me a great deal of anxiety. I couldn't even have a gyn exam because I screamed when the speculum barely touched me), I believe I experience sexual attraction even based on looks - so I'm not demi or asexual. Which I take it to mean I have no excuse to not have sex if so attracted to someone. Then it's just prudery.

Worse still, there doesn't seem to be much reasoning for it. I was nevwr sexually abused, I didn't grow up super religious or repressed, it's an aversion that's just...there. A fear of pain in many ways.

Am I crazy?

It seems to me that you need to at least get a gynecological exam, because early detection of cancer is important.

I think an anesthesiologist should be able to give you a drug that would make you semi-conscious during the exam and eliminate any memory. The date rape drugs would be a crude form of this, but an anesthesiologist would be able to do this much more skillfully.

(Sorry if this is stupid advice. I am not a woman, and I don't know too much about these exams.)

No, your not crazy. I'm certified bonkers so I know crazy. However, this really sounds like something you should talk to a therapist about. They could really help you find the reason behind your aversion as well as provide techniques for dealing with it.

Nope, you're not crazy. I am trans, female-to-male, and so know something about this. Finding a good gynecologist will help, one that will take into consideration your pain and anxiety levels. I used to fear exams and was terrified of penetrative sex... so much so that I didn't actually have intercourse til just a few years ago. I think in my case, taking hormones - testosterone - helped. I don't think that will be too helpful for you, though, unless you want to transition! I did try the suggestion to get calming medication or something to numb me for pelvic exams, but that proved fruitless. There are legal ramifications trying that route, as was explained to me at the time. I don't know if you would have access to a women's health clinic that has an associated social worker who might refer you to a therapist who might be able to work on techniques to keep you centered and calm during exams. I think that was what helped me, really. I used to be so scared of the pain I'd tense up. Now, the exams are just routine, not painful at all. I was also lucky to have a partner who was very willing to be gentle. I know that's not what you want. If you think you might identify as asexual, there's a whole movement out there, too, that is supportive. There's nothing wrong with having low or no desire for sex; to each their own. I hope you'll worry less about what's wrong with you and find out what's right with you... I've seen a few of your other posts, and I think you've definitely got the smarts. Take care of yourself.

Thanks. A few things -

It doesn't seem linked to sexuality. I wondered if I might be ace or demi (I did consider the possibility of sex with someone I got into a relationship with, but we never quite got that far), but I experience attraction even outside of that. Nothing serious or intense, but more than just a hormonal urge.

However, regarding my fear of sexual contact - I'm afraid to do anything to myself, even, without feeling lightheaded or ill, sometimes just from the thought. That's what makes me think it might be a disorder.

Maybe you don't remember the abuse? I don't mean to stick bad thoughts into your head, but oftentimes people have adverse reactions to things based on past abuse, even if they don't remember it. Its possible it happened before you could form memories or it was a one time incident you've forgotten about.

I don't believe in repression, if that's what you're implying. And I find it hard to believe that someone could just forget something as traumatic as childhood sexual abuse.

My theory on the issue is that I simply managed to psych myself out bad from reading so much, hearing so many accounts of abusive sex that something in my mind started to believe it's normal, or expected - that it's supposed to be physically and emotionally painful, or a power play, or that I have no reason to believe a partner should care about my "needs". All of which is true, I do believe that on some level, but still....if I did it to myself then the whole issue is just laughable.

Its not a case of believing, or not believing in repression.

Brain function from birth to death goes through phases, and learns. Before a certain age (consensus seems to centre around 5 years old), 'memories' as they are to adults, can not be processed in the same way because those connections just don't exist yet. Your body and your mind know what happened, but you can't store and retrieve memories like you would as an adult not experiencing trauma. However, there are plenty of other proven indicators of childhood trauma (usually seen in behaviour patterns) that you may or may not identify with.

My suggestion would be that you read up on dissociation. You will quickly know whether what you are reading about refers to you or not.

I have a hard time believing that I (or anyone else) could have been raped or molested in some way and have virtually no memory of it. As I understand the scientific community doesn't buy the notion of repression either. To say nothing of human memory being kind of unreliable (my own autobiographical memory sucks, there are numerous small things I'm uncertain of when they happened. I don't have a very narrative view of my life, it's more episodic).

I tried looking for a little info and one thing stuck out at me:

That sounds about right, but I hardly want to base a claim on this one thing. I'm still sticking with the "scared myself" theory unless I can get some kind of evidence otherwise. Because this doesn't make sense.

It doesn't help that the whole "repressed memory" thing has been used for scams and serious manipulation; I'd rather not risk putting myself up to that.

Ok, well you have your beliefs, but repression does indeed happen. Please educate yourself a bit more about trauma.

What if you were sexually abused before you were able to form memories? Do you really think that an infant who has been sexually abused will have no ill effects? Even if it happened on a constant basis?

The body holds memories that the mind does not.

I urge you to read up on trauma and its effects. It sounds like you don't want to believe in repression or the possibility of pre-memory abuse causing later effects because you couldn't handle knowing that happened to you. You much rather find a name of a disorder to explain your aversion and immediately dismiss a real possibility given your extremely adverse reactions.

the question mark in your title ...sexual aversion disorder?... wondering if you are trying to figure out what that term is... its an old diagnostic label that has been thrown out of the DSM when the DSM 5 was published because of lack of use and diagnosing of this label... short version it was a mental disorder that meant a person avoids \hates\wants nothing to do with sex (hence the label "aversion" ) a person with this mental disorder was believed to hate everything to do with sex including an extreme hatred\avoidance of genitals, on their own bodies and that of others. a person with this mental disorder does not masturbate, does not have sex, does not discuss sex, does not discuss body parts having to do with sex.

an example would be someone who stood out of touching range of their friends and families for fear of accidental touching, if the topic of sex or intimacy comes up the person leaves the room, does not date or develop close friendships for fear of reaching that point where the relationship turns from friendship to sex, or they push their friends away before they reach that point. in other words this mental disorder is another word for having a sexual phobia.

since this mental disorder label was rarely used it was removed from and not included in the DSM 5, and is no longer a recognized mental disorder here in america. now when people have this problem they are labeled other problems depending upon what is the cause of their aversion (hatred\fear\phobia) of sex....example if the reason behind the sexual aversion is because of sexual abuse the mental disorder used is PTSD.

I see. I have heard cases of abuse before memory...but those are so rare, what are the odds, really?

Also, in my own case (which I wouldn't expect you to know, I'm just a person on the internet), who could possibly have perpetrated it? I have very little family. If it continued on, surely I would remembered something. It simply doesn't make sense. Plus, wouldn't I have more symptoms?

Anxiety about sex is the only symptom I have. I wasn't particularly sexual as a child (I did discover masturbation around age 5; though I didn't realize what it was until I was almost a teenager. It was just a thing I did in private that felt good. I even failed to make the connection when I got the talk around age 8-9 - and I never quite fully outgrew the initial "Ew" feeling from when I first learned, lol). I've always had a secretive personality, always been withdrawn especially around other kids; according to my mom the first time my parents tried to leave me with a babysitter I freaked out and they ended up staying home. But that's all normal little-kid stuff.

Also, this is probably oversharing but who cares: I don't even seem to have the adult sexual symptoms of early abuse. The entire point of this thread is trying to fix the anxiety and fear I associate with sexual activity; yet in looking around and even some past thread on other sites I've read, prolonged childhood sexual abuse often causes the opposite reactions: being very sexual, sexually submissive (I suspect I would be though and that terrifies me; it's basically carte-blanc to be hurt) or into unusual or kinky sex practices (which scare the ***** out of me). Supposedly children who have been sexually abused are unusually sexual; I wasn't. I'm not even for my age, or so it seems.

I'm sorry I'm giving you a hard time. I just find it hard to believe that something incredibly traumatic happened and I have no memory or symptoms beyond abnormal(?) anxiety about sex and a few other minor things.

Hey there. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I really urge you to talk to a therapist about this aversion to sex you are experiencing. I do think there has to be a reason why you feel so strongly against sex. It can't just come from psyching yourself out about it and hearing abusive accounts of sex. There's more there and I encourage you to dig a bit deeper. A therapist can really help you out with this.

Being very withdrawn from others as a child, in my opinion, isn't "normal little kid stuff". There are shy kids and then there are kids who just flat out do not want to be around others. Were you the latter? If so, then something about that doesn't sound right.

Plus, I don't know if you've noticed, but you seem to have a tendency to minimize certain things. I'm curious as to why you do that.

Last, the things I bolded are what I wanted to talk about.

I have a very small family (my mom, grandmother, and me) and I was sexually abused at the age of 5 by a complete stranger (I wrote some threads about that on here) and I remember the middle part, but not the beginning and the ending. I don't remember going home afterwards. I cannot remember it 100%. I am 23 years old and I just started to realize that my abuse has had negative effects on me.

There are two sides of the spectrum when it comes to effects of sexual abuse: those who are hypersexual and those who are afraid of sex. I am one of those who's afraid of physical intimacy. It's not that I don't want it; I'm just afraid. This isn't similar to you, but you said that people who are abused are overly sexual, and that's true for some but not all survivors. Actually, many survivors end up being afraid of sex. "The Sexual Healing Journey" by Wendy Maltz (which is what I'm reading now) has many accounts of victims who are terrified of sex.

Personally, I agree with ChipperMonkey: you have your opinion, you don't have to believe in repression. But disbelieving it, in my opinion, is a bit offensive to the survivors who have actually gone through abuse and forgot some if not most of it. It honestly comes off as if you are saying that maybe their abuse did not happen if their memories are repressed (not saying you are actually stating this but it comes off this way). Repression happens because the experience was too extreme for the victim to process. So they dissociate from the event and repression occurs. The memories are still there; they are just buried deep in the victim's mind.

Repression does not only occur when abuse happens continuously. It can happen with one occurrence.

Being sexually submissive isn't asking to be hurt. You're submissive; that doesn't mean you don't have a voice. As for the kink, well...I'm extremely independent and into kink and that's also not asking to be hurt. -shrugs- Sorry if this is TMI but you said a lot of interesting things.

Also this statement you made: "My theory on the issue is that I simply managed to psych myself out bad from reading so much, hearing so many accounts of abusive sex that something in my mind started to believe it's normal, or expected - that it's supposed to be physically and emotionally painful, or a power play, or that I have no reason to believe a partner should care about my "needs". All of which is true, I do believe that on some level, but still....if I did it to myself then the whole issue is just laughable."

I find it odd that you only heard accounts of abusive sex and but no positive accounts. Did you ever decide to read up on positive accounts of sex? Why did you read so much of it? What interested you to do so? How old were you when you read and heard these accounts? How many times did you hear accounts of abusive sex? Sorry for all the questions, but I am very curious. I find it extremely worrisome that you believe a partner should not care about your needs. It shows low self-esteem on your part. You should believe that your needs are valid.

I don't know but...this honestly sounds like there is something more to this. It does sound like you have a psychological aversion to sex. I find it hard to believe that it just came from you reading and hearing about abusive stories. Your thoughts on sex are also worrisome. Sex isn't about a power play (unless you and your partner consent to that).

I'm definitely not saying you were abused. I just mentioned my own account of my abuse and other things to respond to some points you made. I just really wanted to comment on some of the things you have said because it struck a chord with me. I hope I didn't come off as rude, but some of your statements come off as a bit offensive to survivors.

Anyways, I hope you decide to see a therapist. It sounds like this aversion to sex is bothering you and I hope you can get to the root of it.

I just wanted to add here that abuse is not the number one reason why a person has an aversion to sex. there are many cultures that hold the belief system that sex is bad, sex is wrong sex is something to be feared. people raised in these cultures will naturally have views about sex that can affect their relationships and life to the point where they avoid sexual situations, in some cultures the culture laws even ensure that sex is something to be feared\avoided\... some take it so far as to use medical procedures on genitals to ensure a disinterest\fear\hatred\phobia about sex and genitals.

i know some one who is from another country where their belief system is that all women and children undergo a medical procedure to ensure sexual disinterest, by ...american.... standards what they do is considered abuse but by that cultures laws it is not abuse, its how they control sexually transmitted diseases and other health issues, ensure their women remain virgins,

I also know a few people who have this problem simply because their religions preaches abstinence, no sex until marriage otherwise they wont go to their higher power upon death....

I also know many who know someone who had a bad situation for their first time therefore because of their friends \family experiences with sex they develop a problem with it.

sure someone who has been abused may have this problem where they hate fear avoid sex but I know many who go the other way too where they seek out sex because they have been abused. one of the common symptoms of sexual abuse is seeking out sex, re enacting sexual abuse.

my point is that most times when a person has a sexual problem it is not because they have been abused and are repressing it. there are many less traumatic reasons.

Hi and thanks. I'd been thinking a bit about this and things people said, including looking up stuff about repression, more in a moment.

My mom comes from a line of mood disorders (she's bipolar herself) and spent part of my early childhood looking for early symptoms. According to her, I would sometimes lok very depressed around other kids but would perk up once I was home. I was terribly asocial as a kid: useless at conversation, very few friends (and I quickly grew apart from the ones I made...I admit, I often felt inferior to them in some way). I rejected most invitations and would sometimes walk away from a person who was talking to me.

You can imagine I have awful social skills now. I don't mean harm (apparently it's caused harm), I just sort of...don't see the point of a lot of social rituals, or interaction feels like an intrusion. There are certainly exceptions though.

Habit. There's something I find icky about outright being a victim.

Yeah, if there was any abuse, I have no idea who could have done it, especially if it happened when I was so young and my parents so overprotective.

I see. Still, I know that there have been cases of false-memory; ridiculous cases of people being "abused" into adulthood and still not remembering it until very convenient times. Ethic-less therapists implanting memories via power of suggestion and causing all kinds of havoc with that.

Saying abuse may not have happened is exactly what I'm implying. Not to say it didn't, and I'm sorry, then, if this comes off as offensive. Especially if it was only one occurrence - surely something so traumatic would leave mental scars of some sort?
Perhaps not, but that's kind of how I can't help but see it.... there's no explaining it.

It seems to me sometimes that everyone has been abused in some way except for me. I realize this sounds crazy. But it does, especially sexual abuse. Everyone's hard-knock-life sob story involves some kind of molestation, rape, or assault. Except me, I just have emotional dysfunction. No physical abuse, and certainly nothing sexual. It almost seems like it's normal for a person to experience some kind of painful, unwanted sexual encounter, and since I haven't experienced it yet, I will in the future.

Like I recall this one book that was a compilation of "letters" from preteen girls to their moms, about stuff they wish their parents' knew. A whole section was dedicated to sexual issues, from assaults by family members, teachers, and strangers, or harassment by classmates. And I'm reading this and thinking, "Is this normal or something? No one even looks at me, let alone touches me."

And yes, I am one of those sick freaks whose wondered if I'm really so repulsive to look at that no one will even assault me.

And for whatever reason, the power thing just seems self-evident. I can't explain it: of course there's a power dynamic, a dangerous one that can lead to a lot of pain and suffering for the weaker party. I don't even know where I got this.

And my needs? I'm clueless and neurotic, and not even all that attractive. I'd be a terrible lay. Beyond that, the feeling is just kind of nebulous. Undoubtedly poor self-esteem somewhere, but really a general "Why?"

One thing I may not have explicitly stated: for whatever reason, I associate sex with pain. And not in a sexy, kinky way. In a survival-based, frightened way. Sex is painful, it will be painful in one way or another, if not physically (though I fear that enough to not even be able to do much to myself), than emotionally. Maybe I project this onto anything sexual I read.


It's fine that you're curious, I am too. I have no idea what's wrong with me, and it can't be explained away with sexuality. I didn't mean to be offensive, though I seriously question repression's validity.

I noticed this reply just now and wanted to mention that I've considered it. I've considered that I'm just culturally brainwashed into thinking somehow that sex is bad or painful - I'm from the US, went to religious school and had semi-religious parents, but nothing serious. We learned abstinence in the school curriculum but from personal conversations my mom always thought that waiting until marriage was ridiculous, you should know what you're getting into.

I wasn't raised ultra-religious, but American culture is notoriously puritanical compared to the rest of the world. But could that really be enough to give me strong anxiety reactions to the thought of being seen naked outside of a medical necessity, or to expect sex to be painful in almost every way? I don't know.

for some people yes that's all it takes. only you and your treatment providers can say if thats all it took for you.

my suggestion talk with your doctors. they can help you understand whats going on and why you feel this way.

Absolutely not! Matter of fact, I feel the same way, my Bestfriend has even tried to help me by talking me through what would happen as well as trying to 'sweet talk' me... I always get nauseous and anxiety attacks... But no, you are definitely not crazy!!! I hope that kinda helped

With regard to the possibility of having been sexually abused: my reaction to the thread is that age five seems unusually early to begin to masturbate. To me, masturbation at that age is consistent with there having been sexual abuse.

With regard to the theory that overexposure to images of abusive sex: I think a relevant question would be: What brought you to those images and kept you returning to them?

Finally, sex is a form of intimacy and therefore attitudes towards sex will be influenced by attitudes towards intimacy in general. How willing are you to share your personal thoughts in real life with appropriate other people around you? How much closeness do you allow to others in your life? If thoughts of allowing closeness to others sounds horrifying to you, then it is quite possible that those attitudes would spill over into an aversion to sex (whether or not there was sexual abuse in your past).

I agree with others who suggest that speaking with a therapist who is well-versed and competent in sexual issues could be very helpful.

I take it you dont have sex education in your location schools\ health classes and gym classes and have not had the opportunity to take any college leval science\ biology\ health classes, and do not have children.

in general children as young as months old masturbate. masturbation is one of those instinctual behaviors that all species have. including human beings. procreation insures the survival of the species, for all including human beings.

heres something for you to do...go to any store, playground or other place where children are. watch the children and you will see a child suddenly put their hands where they shouldnt go in public and the parent removing the hand and most likely talking with the child about his\her body and what is private parts.

if you have any relatives with babies watch what happens when the parent is changing that childs diaper. one of the first things a babies hands go to is their genitals when the diaper comes off. why instinct.

it is only after parents and others have taught very young children under 5 about their private parts and what is acceptable in public and what isnt that the child learns to control those instincts to masturbate (explore, self sooth and self satisfy.)

Oh wow, this thread didn't die.

To be fair, I didn't know it was masturbation. Never thought of it as sexual, just a thing that felt good. I don't remember what gave me the idea - plus my, er, method is kind of strange. And for some reason too, I always knew it was something to be ashamed of, something intensely private I never wanted to be caught doing.

Usually I would run into them while reading about sexual health, or problems young women face (inappropriate advances from males in their lives) as they sexually mature. Sometimes it seems to me like being sexually abused in some way, up to and including rape, is just something every female goes through and something is wrong with me that I've never experienced it. Yes, I have weird guilt about this.

Nothing keeps me returning to them - they're everywhere, ubiquitous it seems. Like I said, it seems to be something everyone goes through.

There's this thing called the internet disinhibition effect. I summarize it as "I have no boundaries on the internet". While that's not totally true (there are some things I just won't say, even in this post). The internet is the only place I can ever be so open about anything, sometimes too open, it seems.

I've pushed other people away my whole life: I don't get close very often and I'm loathe to share thoughts, usually too ashamed for whatever reason. Even physical closeness makes me uneasy - I love the idea of cuddling, for example, but wonder if I could ever do it with someone without feeling like I was committing some horrible sin of invasion, or without it feeling utterly wrong. I'm also simply used to being alone. I'm an only child who had few to no friends growing up (I bounced around schools so much that being a loner made it easier), heck I barely knew my classmates names sometimes.

Online I'll talk about my deepest thoughts and feelings: IRL I can't even do that with a therapist, or a helpline.

It sounds somewhat like survivor guilt: other females had these experiences but you managed to escape them.

It sounds like you have an aversion to closeness, intimacy in general, not just sexual intimacy. Perhaps the aversion to sex is an aspect of your more general aversion to closeness.

What has your experience been with therapy in person?

What you would think of doing therapy online?

Survivor's guilt - I've only heard of the in connection to disasters, but it might actually be the problem. I've experienced similar feelings to accounts of abuse - who am I to have been treated so well? I don't deserve the kind of comfort I had, I should have been mistreated like this or that person...army sickest I've considered hiring someone to beat the **** out of me just to give these feelings some justification. It's this messed up need to be punished in the violent ways I never was, because who am I to escape that?

Yes, I'm a sick freak, I know.

Well...I never have been good at getting close to people. I can only think of one person IRL I've ever opened up to in any way. At the same time...some part of me longs to be close to someone but I just can't do it. It's terrifying to think about sometimes.

I kiind of fail at in-person therapy. I generally let the therapist lead and often end up not getting to talk about what really bothers me. One T I had basically blew me off when I tried to bring up a lifelong fixation that causes me a lot of grief, telling me it's not a problem and I'm fine; another, for some reason, intimidated me or something - all I know is I was always incredibly stiff, nervous, and scared when met with him, and of course I did little to actually be proactive. That might have just been because I was new to therapy, though. However, my parents and money were always the biggest hindrance. My mom cancelled any T she disapproved of, and since she's paying for it, she gets all the say in my treatment. My mom wants me to have a life coach to teach me to follow a schedule and set routines and be a better, more diligent worker. I'd like to discuss my depression, anxiety, self-harm, guilt, and total lack of anything resembling self-esteem.

By online therapy, you mean with sites like 7Cups? The idea is great, and I've tried it a few times, but it's time consuming since I'm a really slow typer, and trying to get all my thoughts out can be a pain. But I can be much more open there than in person, I will admit that.

Well I am not positive about what I mean! Yes there is 7Cups but I was also wondering also about skyping, perhaps with audio only, or maybe one can speak to a regular T by typing only--whatever way would be most helpful in allowing you to speak.

What does it feel like might happen if you get close to someone?

I write too much, sorry.

I don't really know. It's like an intrusion, like something telling me this is dangerous somehow. It sounds so stereotypical, like I'm afraid of rejection or getting hurt, pathetic right? I guess I am. And I'm so used to not really having anyone close in my life, that it's just frighteningly different.

Oh, also they'll leave, either before I'm ready or at all. That happens with most people in my life, including the one sort-of-romantic partner I had. I see so many people who are philosophical about this stuff, that everything is temporary, etc. I recall one quote that "everything you love, you will lose. But love always returns in another form". I don't think I really believe that, honestly.