I think my GF has some problems

Hello! To cut to the chase, I have been with this girl for about a year now, and it's getting weirder and weirder as we go further. When we started dating she was still a virgin, was very curious about sex but just didn't want to do it, I guess I probably tried the hardest and had attributes she liked so we started dating. We both like bondage and roughness, but new realisations about her make me a bit uncomfortable.

First of all, she likes to be mean, feel like I'm being ****-tested all the time (for eg. walking half a meter in front of me at a constant rate and then saying im walking slowly, while we are actually walking faster thany anyone on the street(i noticed in one instance when she has seen a girl sitting alone couple of meters in front of us, as soon as she noticed her, she ran a bit infront of me), relatively often showing no respect and being a bit *****y(also deflecting pretty much everything), when she is guilty of something or senses a fight is about to come, she litteraly shuts her self out/goes to sleep/ignores me or has really ****** arguments that have no sense), she also often laughs a bit uncontrollably on both funny and dumb-as-**** ****, and especially if I raise my voice or confrontation is about to come, I can see she is laughing but tries to be serious, not sure if It's some kind of defence mechanism or what. Latley, shes also been saying that she want's me to wear a (burglar) mask while we have (rough) sex. While usually it wouldn't be a problem for me, I have a feeling this fetish is really a sign of something deeper. She usually has problems maintaining eye-contact with me, especially when we are arguing and says for her self she is a coward. Also rarely looks at me during sex. Also she generally refuses to analyze her actions and says for herself she doesn't like to think and has really low self-esteem.

Little more about her history, basically she recently told me that and they were supposed to recieve "Holy Communion" sacrament so all that sex was deemed as "bad". I am worried what kind of consequence this has on her psychology. She was also fantasizing of being raped even then. She also has neurodermatitis, and It's something that gets worse the more stress she is under and is a bit psychosomatic disease IMHO. Also her explanation for "running away" from conflict all the time is supposedly that she wants to avoid stress at all costs so her neurodermatitis doesn't go haywire. She also had and still has problems with Acid Reflux, had problems with Helico bactery, has recently been given some hormones cause of quite possible Hypothyroidism (supposedly low Thyroid-stimulating hormone(TSH) levels) but somehow she is loosing or staying the same weight which is very uncharacteristic for Hypothyroidism. Supposedly since we are together, or little before that her skin condition got worse and she has lost quite a lot of weight. She often sleeps 10+ hours, and is really lazy to get out of bed, moody, often switches day/night cause she hates morning and loves night, I mean, I'd rather be sleeping all day too and be awake at night but in this day and age, it simply isn't feasible for most people to be productive and have that lifestyle. Sometimes I feel like (and she says for her self that she is childlike and be silly) that she is just mentally stuck in low teenage years.

All these things worry me, I cant make sense of things because I am biased and blind, also paranoid a bit and always first think of the worst case scenario, I'm not sure if mask thing is just a harmless fetish or she really has a problem with intimacy, maybe she just want's to feel sex without it so it's closer to rape? What is she trying to convey or cover up with that childlike behaviour? She says she never envisioned herself as being married in life, and doesn't plan to.(not that I know that I want to, but to me it just says that she doesn't want a long-term commitment in which case there is no point in the relationship for me) There are all these little things that worry me and make me quite insecure about our relationship and I'm starting to question if It's me who is just overly paranoid or what? Her illneses are almost all based on stress (she says for herself she gets stressed out easily, and copes with it by avoiding it). Am I just adding significance to everything and overanalysing?
To be fair, I'm leaving out all the good parts and times we have fun together which is most of the time.
So basically yeah, I would really love that I studied psychology and that I'm unbiased so that all of this starts making sense, however in my mind, it really doesn't. I don't want to burden my friends and expose her and our relationship so that's why I came here, now if you guys could make some sense of this IT WOULD BE AMAZING! And also I appologize for spelling and writing, English is not my 1st langauge and I rarely post on reddit.
tl;dr:My gf has some possible childhood trauma, medical problems possibly cause by stress (unability to cope with it) she is acting unlike any other woman I have been with, being cowardly and I'm unable to analyze her well because I'm biased HELP!!

Doesn't really matter if you or I think she has a problem, doesn't seem like she thinks she has any worth facing or rectifying.


So the real question is, can you stay with her as she is now?


Because it doesn't look like change is coming in any way shape or form.

She is hard to talk to about those things, and I am generally a person who tries to understand as much as possible. That's pretty much the main reason I posted this, to try and make sense of things and why and how all this could develop.
I usually have a hard time just accepting stuff that isn't explained, I think the change is neccesarry, especially in this case as I know that she is just flinging a lot of stuff under a doormat which can't be good.
It may not come from me, but I might be able to learn how to deal with it and help her guide her in a right direction, and I don't think that direction is just ignoring her problems and letting her deteriorate over time, I know it's just gonna get worse for her, and for that matter for me as well.

Not really actually, it's more of a rape fantasy and I am dominant. She basically wants me to wear a burglar mask or something similar.

You sound like a genuine, thoughtful person. Very caring. However, I think she feels she is fine how she is...she may well be capitalizing on your empathy to justify her behavior and the way she treats you. Bluntly, I think you may be getting used and she's selfish. She's got a good setup for her going here. Sleep all day, etc. I bet you get the pity play a lot.

She has no reason to change and you can't change her, regardless. You can evaluate if YOUR needs are being met and, if not, whether she will try to meet your needs. That includes being respectful of boundaries and not degrading you. Walking ahead of you? You aren't a dog on a leash. You're her partner. Not OK.

Your relationship isn't getting weirder...you're getting an eye-opener but your feelings for her leave you biased. Your post here is good because it shows you are questioning your insight. Explore that and ask if you are genuinely happy in this relationship. There is NO obligation for you to stay with her if you aren't happy. She may be more savvy than you think, more experienced. You may be replaced very quickly. You're not a widget.

You're unique and deserve an authentic partner. She's running the show here. Think and quietly "question authority." You're a year in. Picture it 10 years in, 15 years, etc. I think she will be around...unless she finds someone with the ability to give her more...maybe a wealthy person. Her telling she's not into long-term? Keeps you insecure, at her bidding so you won't "lose her." You're under her thumb.

I also have a psych degree. Guess what? I married a narcissist. Divorced. That was a real education. Yikes. That walking thing? My ex did the same thing!

If you're still conflicted ... see a therapist. Do what is best for you. Good luck.

The thing is, I can't believe that she is doing all this with foresight. And I'm also not sure how to go about it further, if I try to express what I don't like, she keeps deflecting or turning things around. The thing is, I have had my share of games in relationships and I'm sick of it, there are more important things in my life than having to be on the lookout all the time assessing her actions. I don't want to continuously have to "power play", and just words don't seem to get to her at all. Also to note, I'm 23 and she is 22.

This is why I asked if you can accept her as she is. Doesn't matter whether or not she's acting with or without foresight, she's not willing, ready or able to address her behavior. And change cannot happen if we don't admit change is necessary.

I feel like the moment I fully accept it, is the moment it is finished between us, not straight away, but it's leading to eventual defeat 100%.
I think a large part of all that is basically just s**t-testing, to see how would I react and if she can manipulate me, not that she does really, but I guess it just matters to her to feel empowered. Doesn't matter anyways, I'm here primarily because I'd like to discover and dismantle deeper motivations behind somebody acting that way.
She isn't the dominating type, she is the toying type, self-centered...I think.
It just boggles my mind how can you supposedly love someone, and at the same time, be so dismissive and cold of how their actions affect you.
That is my default setting when dealing with other people, except a very small circle of people who I care about, they get my best. I feel like I'm not getting hers, and I won't unsless I start treating her worse, which in my mind is a bit simpleminded.

Nobody here is able to dismantle her deeper motivations...


All we can do is support and advise you on your journey, we can't assume to understand hers.

Well, of course, you would have to know her to be able to even scrach the surface. But that's why I'm trying to explain the situation thoroughly. For others to potentionally read into some of the motivations and possibly profile her cause I'm having a hard time.

Thing were possibly even worse at the start of the relationship, she used to say it's her first serious one and she doesn't really know how to behave still. They are getting better, but the improvements are so slow that im growing weary of it.
I don't want to sound rude, but "accepting her as she is" for me is more of a platitude in this context. I mean I am accepting her as she is, for all her problems, but I can't accept that treating me like this is actually something I should accept.

I believe that was the intent of 'accepting her as she is'...is that you have to decide if the way she is treating you is acceptable to you and if not, then realizing that she is most likely not going to change any behaviors since she doesn't acknowledge them, you will need to walk away from the relationship. I don't think that phrase was meant as a platitude.
Whether a person is in a first or 50th serious relationship, most people know how to respect and honor the person they are with if they love them. You have to figure out what YOU want. And go from there.

I never said you should accept...


I asked if you can.


Me?

I wouldn't.


And that's not because I want a "perfect" partner.


I'm not perfect, my bf certainly is not, and we both come with our own sets of troubles. The relationship was challenging to navigate at various points, we even broke up at one stage, but we've always been committed to each other and to doing whatever it takes.


Part of that included accepting responsibility for shytti behavior (I with my BPD BS, him completely isolating during depressive episodes) and committing to work on changing these damaging behaviors.


This took lots of hard conversations, honesty, trust, commitment and even more hard work.


I asked if you can accept her as is since your gf does not seem interested in walking that particular path with you.


My bf would not have stayed with me if I did not address my MH issues, because they directly affected him in a very negative manner, and it would have been his (sane) right to walk away.


I would not have been able to stay with my bf indefinitely if he kept retreating to a man cave and shutting down. It would have literally driven me crazy over time.


So no.


There was no platitudes in my post, just real life experience.

Oh, just FYI...the BDSM stuff isn't a factor, IMO. I don't find it abnormal or weird.

I don't think she is playing a game, I think it's a parasitic lifestyle and you're the host. And add a dollop of meanness in her behavior.

I didn't want to be too blunt, but I guess I wasn't clear. But I don't know her, you do. Only my impression. Quite likely I'm wrong.

Here to support you, that's all.

Yes, I agree, and I am fully aware of the possibility I might have to break up with her. However ATM, I am more interested in rectifying the situation.
My gut says I should probably try and re-establish the limits of the relationship, and if she continues to break them, then there is nothing left for me in it. She can tell when I'm insecure about the relationship, but instead of trying to reassure me (which is what I would do) she adds fuel to the fire. It's possible if I don't show my insecurity, she would act opposite.

I wonder is it normal for me to have to continuously be "a player" and on the lookout for those s**t-tests? I kind of always figured they were important while you are dating, not when you are in a serious relationship.

I will try and demonstrate a couple of situations.
-We go out seperately, but accidentaly end up in the same place, and she is sitting literally just behind my back, turning her back to me (she is with her friends), while I'm talking with mine, on 2 occaisons, I turn around and try and talk with her, we really just exchange a few words and turn back. The whole time we were there she doesn't really say anything to me. Like an hour later (or more) I go to the bathroom, and return to see her and one of my best friends (in who she has no any interest in i'm sure) are talking (or he is talking mostly), and she is turned around. I overhear the topic is anime, which she hates (at one point before I mentioned that I watched couple of good ones and she didn't even want to talk about it). Later when I ask her how is it possible we sit literally next to one another and don't direct even couple of sentences to one another, she has some ******** excuse like "I didn't want you to get jealous at me talking with (whatever some guys were there and a girl)". (We actually had a scene longe time ago).

-We have a kind of have a fight and go to sleep, tomorrow morning I wake up angry as I fell asleep. She literally evades me half of the day and cleans half of the apartment.( later she said she knew I was angry and didn't want a confrontation)
Asks me if we are going anywhere, and I say "I don't know". I can't go to the beach (which was the plan yesterday) with her, and her friend angry as ****, I mean thats obvious. So we talked a bit and I asked her if she thinks this is OK, the situation we are in and she just says "Yes" "I'm fine".
She just puts on some clothes, and beach stuff and storms out. I am left alone in my apartment angry as **** still, and not getting any better cause I have no closure. She even asks me later if I want to come to the beach (she was in city where I study for the first time ever), I am still angry so I can't go or there will possibly be a scene in front of her friend and for that matter, I don't want to act like everything is OK. She comes back and we have a fight of course cause she doesn't want to talk about it, and is just sitting with hand over her face, head turned away, stuff like that. Even acuses me of bringing it up again, cause she almost forgot it.

I thought I could just pack her stuff, put it in the hall and tell her she can go and sleep with her friend, and go home tomorrow. I didn't.
I don't know how to deal with her when she acts so selfishly (the night before, she told me it's my fault she didn't have fun while we were out, forgot the part where when we were supposed to dance and have fun, she excused herself and went to talk to other friend leaving me and the friend we were supposed to go to the beach with alone, then when we confronted, she said she didn't say it was my fault she didn't have fun, she said she just imagined the night differently and it's my fault I am projecting it onto myself)

Sorry for bothering you all with all these stories, I just needed to vent a bit, didn't imagine I'd write so much but it just keeps comming!!

Also, why was this thread moved to "Sexual and gender issues".
And just to reply you rainyday, I know BDSM probably doesn't have to do with anything, but as I said, I'm a little paranoid.

Thanks everyone for support, I really really appreciate it!!

I don't know if she's just immature or there's something deeper that's wrong. But you are not liking the relationship dynamic, and that's what's important. Listen to you gut. You should try to talk it through with her, and if she won't communicate and work with you, the relationship will fizzle out.

Maybe it was moved because it mentioned sexual relationship/BDSM? It's pretty much PG-13 Vanilla rating in the other forums. I'm guesstimating. =]

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