Gender Confusion?

So I've always wondered about this but have never had the nerve to ask anyone so here it goes...

Does everyone occasionally fantasize about being the opposite gender? Does the fact that I sometimes wish I'd been born female make me a closet transsexual? Do other people get excited by imagining what sex is like for the opposite gender? Do other people wish they could experience sex as the opposite gender? Do other people get a bit jealous of the opposite gender's strengths/assets?

I've had these thoughts for as long as I can remember and I've wondered what it says about me. Sometimes I think it's normal and everyone thinks that. Other times I think it's a result of being molested by males as a child. On occasion I've wondered if I'm experiencing some version of the "woman in a man's body" thing but without any serious intention of doing anything about it.

So please, if you're able, share your thoughts and/or experiences.

And yeah, I need to go into this in therapy but for now I'm curious what other people think.

Cyran0

It's common for those with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I have days I feel masculine. I have a very hard time being in touch with my feminiity, in fact I feel like I have none.

Most days I feel like an 'it' to be honest.

-Does everyone occasionally fantasize about being the opposite gender?

Well, yeah, I think so. It makes sense to be curious about what it would be like to be something we can never be(excepting with new surgeries of course). I think fantasizing can be a healthy way of exploring our ideas about something. The problem comes when we obsess over it.

-Does the fact that I sometimes wish I'd been born female make me a closet transsexual?

No, I don't think it does. If it is only happening sometimes and not taking over your life completely in that that is ALL you want to be.. then I think this is probably a normal reaction to have.

-Do other people get excited by imagining what sex is like for the opposite gender?

Sure, I have. I think its part of sexual fantasy in the same way that most of us have had crushes on the same sex as well as the opposite sex - that doesn't always mean we are bisexual though, just sexual creatures.

-Do other people get a bit jealous of the opposite gender's strengths/assets?

ABSOLUTELY!!! all the time I think I see this happening all over the world. It probably played some role in womens liberation - women probably were a little jealous of the strengths and skills that men had and pushed to get the same ones. The same could be true for a man of a woman. A man could be jealous that he has trouble identifying with his feminine side.

Its possible your anxiety could have something to do with the fact of your history, but I truly beileve in general that these are pretty normal thoughts to have.

I would ask yourself - Does it take over your whole life? Do you find yourself dressing like a woman constantly? Do you find that you FEEL like a woman in a mans body?

Is it affecting you so much that you are sure that if you could, you would become a woman?

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Cyran0 said:
Does everyone occasionally fantasize about being the opposite gender?

Do other people get excited by imagining what sex is like for the opposite gender?

Do other people wish they could experience sex as the opposite gender?

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I personally find everyone of those question normal and something that probably happens at one time or another to half of this worlds population...... if not more.

* * * * * * *

I used to wish that I was a born a boy when I was younger (teen years) for in my uneducated young mind back then I use to fell that if I was not a girl then I would not of been molested / rape in such repulsive sick ways..... that only a man can do to a female.

I used to fantasize about being with a female sexually when I was having such a hard time trusting men...... not to mention due to how this world sexualizes the female body in all that we see via the media and entertainment.

And Yes - I too often wonder how my husband feels physically when we are being sexually with each other..... I would like to know if it feels the same for him as it does when I have an orgasm.

Interesting. Thank you both.

I'm not sure that I'm anxious about this so much as just preoccupied.

Cyran0

I wish I knew the answer to the question, but maybe you can help me with one. One of my twins, from the moment he could speak insisted he was a girl. There was a whole great big mess when he entered pre-school that I won't get in to.

I've always loved and accepted everything he's done, and announced to family members (in private of course) that they were NOT to say anything about it. He eventually "outgrew" the behavior. My question is, should I talk to him about it or wait for him to come to me?

hi cyrano. i think about that stuff sometimes to. i don't know about everybody else cause i got abused by guys to when i was a kid and i'm sure that probably made me think how think now about sexual stuff. a lot of times i wish that my wife had the guy parts and i had the woman parts and she could "do me" instead. but everything else of me would still be a guy and she'd still be a woman and just switched sexual parts it that makes sense. she wasn't abused at all and i asked her about it, if she said that sometimes she thinks about what it would be like to have a man's sexual parts to and what it would be like.

AAAAA, if it's clear to him that you're open to talking about this, I'd wait. If you don't feel he knows you're available, you might try to open the door to the conversation. Follow me?

It'll be an easier conversation if he brings it up but if you don't think he will, it would be worse to be silent.

Sin, based on comments here and a bit of research I've done recently, I'm choosing to write off my own feelings as normal curiosity compounded by my own natural gender neutrality (which is to say, I'm not overtly masculine).

Cyran0

Many people fantasize about being the opposite gender, many get excited about the possibilities sexually, many of us wonder what it would be like to have the opposite gender's strengths/assets. All normal, doesn't have to mean anything other than that we are all alive curious human beings.

I think the reason most of us don't know it is normal is because there isn't yet open discussion in our world about such matters. So it is still considered a taboo, even though there is nothing wrong with it.

I also think that some human beings have an investment in policing the world, they want everything and everyone to be a particular way, for whatever reason. Anything that is considered by them to be on the edge, transgressing boundaries, is then thought to be negative and in need of treatment.

I wonder how much our cultural training and nurture influences how we see gender. I wonder what the world would be like if more people let each other be who they truly are, which includes plenty of questioning and wondering time, maybe even through our entire lives.

im an it. some days i feel like a woman. when my esteem is high, and im wearing something nice. but sometimes i swear i am a dude, in a girls body. i feel kinda awkward being a girl. i hate all the things girls do. i think im also slightly bisexual but idk yet after all im a teen.
up to the age of 12 i wore boys clothes and acted like a boy. i used to try and make my boobs smaller and i fantasised about bbeing a guy, till the crap got too much. i couldnt stay a boy forever. i still dress like a guy on occasion, but people dont like it. i try to hide my boobs and my hips. idk. my best friends are mainly dudes, i wish i was born a guy. end of. i wouldnt get a sex change, cuz i hate the idea of cosmetic surgery, and im not that desperate. but if i was born a dude i woulda been happier methinks.
oh well.

Honestly I've thought about how it might be to be a guy, and I'm so glad I'm not a guy. I am so so happy being a girl.

cyrano back when i posted on here before about questioning stuff about sexually and from you said you made me think a lot. and what you said before made me to think that so long as you are with somebody that you love and trust and they love and trust you and you ain't hurting each other or anybody else i don't matter what you do sexually. and maybe it don't even matter why either.

Thanks for the advice C. I just want to the do the right thing. I love my kids more than anything and it would kill me if I found out that they were afraid to talk to me about anything.

Cyran0,

So I've always wondered about this but have never had the nerve to ask anyone so here it goes... <font color="purple"> (it took me nearly 40 years to get the nerve, about 30 years too long)</font>

Does everyone occasionally fantasize about being the opposite gender? <font color="purple"> (I don't think there's a single person alive that hasn't thought that at least once before dismissing it, or really considering it.)</font>

*Does the fact that I sometimes wish I'd been born female make me a closet transsexual? <font color="purple"> (only if it's on your mind every waking hour of the day and night) </font>

Do other people get excited by imagining what sex is like for the opposite gender? <font color="purple"> (perhaps some people do) </font>

Do other people wish they could experience sex as the opposite gender? <font color="purple"> (I did. just don't ever get caught letting your imagination run away while having sex, with the opposite sex of course) </font>

Do other people get a bit jealous of the opposite gender's strengths/assets? <font color="purple"> (since transitioning from male to female just a few years ago, I've noticed to some degree that I have sacrificed privileges reserved for males. do I have regrets? not really, I get to cry if I want to.) </font>

I've had these thoughts for as long as I can remember and I've wondered what it says about me. <font color="purple"> (IMHO, it just says that you may simply be a more empathetic, feeling individual, nothing to feel the least bit guilty about.) </font>

Sometimes I think it's normal and everyone thinks that. <font color="purple"> (yep) </font>

Other times I think it's a result of being molested by males as a child. <font color="purple"> (I don't necessarily think this has anything to do with it, I was molested by my older brother, but not raped, and I don't think it has anything to do with my transsexuality) </font>

On occasion I've wondered if I'm experiencing some version of the "woman in a man's body" thing but without any serious intention of doing anything about it. <font color="purple"> (see * above) </font>

TeresaK

one of my big topics in therpay has been my own sexuality.....I was sexually molested as a child and then had a homosexual relationship with a fried when I was around 14

I cant say ive thought about being a woman, but one of my favorite pornographic sites was transexual/she-male....I am currently being treated somehat for that, but I still struggle with it

My therapist made it very clear that this is normal

you not alone Cyrano

Teresa, I can't thank you enough for being here and responding. You are in a position to have unique insight into these questions. And kudos for being true to yourself and transitioning. That must have taken an incredible amount of courage.

Brian, I always read your posts with interest. Thanks for the reassurance.

Cyran0

I am so confused with my gender. I am a female. but im not very girly. Although the wierd part is, i feel like a homosexual male. like i was born to be a male, who loved males. is this wrong?

Well, I've done a fair amount of reading since I originally made this post and the short of it is that gender is not as cut and dried as our culture would have us believe. So I can accept that I'm an effeminate male as that's a perfectly acceptable version of male.

It sounds to me like you might be a little on the masculine side and so you identify with men but have adjusted your attitude to accommodate your heterosexual impulses.

But what do I know? I started this thread confused as hell as little as a month or so ago.

Cyran0

So, this is an interesting topic on any number of levels. First, while "true transsexuality" is supposed to be rare, it is not nearly as limited as many think. Affecting both "genders" it is still something that as Teresa put it would take up a significant amount of your life. It effect's nearly as many "females" as it does "males" but because the process is different crossing the divide, so called FTM's appear less frequently than MTF's. I spent the vast majority of my early life in horrific pain and working far harder to fit a role I was told I had to. While yes, I suffered horrific abuse when I was a child, it didn't make me a transsexual. Was just something I was born with.
Yes, I am, well was, a transsexual. Took me a bunch of time, energy, soul searching and more but now, I'm just a girl likeany other.

Orientation is on the other hand, something completely different and unrelated to gender. Who we like, or don't, sleep with or not, is a function of a completely different part of the brain. While it can at times be affected by things like abuse, it too is usually something innate as well. Now the difference here is abuse can impact our orientation, for years I swore I was a card carrying lesbain. I have not had that many relationships in my life, all but one were with women. In fact, I was engaged to a woman for a while, who broke up with me because "I'm not ready to be outted to my folks yet, and if I walk in with YOU they'll KNOW I'm a lesbian." and that as they say was that.

Between GID and abuse, I had a road in front of me. Dealing with them, and coming to terms with my history, showed me why I married the guy I did (he was JUST like my Dad) and have allowed me to put gender pretty much behind me.

Mind you, my husband was (he's dead now) FTM, and when we got married it was such a backasswards and confused thing. He was pretending to be the bride, I the groom, and just wow. We both knew each others secrets, and we did the best we could.

Gender and orientation are BOTH spectrums, not binary conditions. Narrow minded people who are frightened by what they don't know, understand, or accept within themselves is what makes such a mess of things. Think of it like a 0 to 100 scale for both, and find your way to a space that works for you.

It's perfectly okay to be a gay man stuck in a female body. If you're a top as they call it, life can be a bit more difficult, but if you're a bottom, then there should be no problems. The other possibility is you are a butch "fag hag" as the saying goes. Think of Grace from Will and Grace.

Freedom my young Jedi is what most you seek! Freedom to live and be yourself and not stuck with the world perceptions of yourself. Prefer guys clothes, life, outlook? Rock it. Prefer Gay men as sex partners, again, rock it. Whatever works for you.

What most I learned about gender and orientation in my life is they both are labels for someone else perceptions of our lives. Taking our feelings, our hearts, our truths back from the rest of the world is the hard part that takes patience, understanding and courage.

While being mostly straight or at best bi leaning I've never had a question about my gender. It was everyone else that had things confused and tried to make it my problem. Gender however, is, in many ways as Diana Cage (Sirius OutQ) puts it, performance art. Orientation is less performance (unless you like the bending, "queer" look) and more about who our hearts tend to be drawn to for whatever reason.

Let yourself live, breath, love and let someone else worry about the labels. Trust me, you'll be glad you did. As to "gender change" itself, well not for the faint of heart, or those who are just curious. It's not a choice it's a treatment, one that works amazingly well for people who are indeed suffering from a medical condition known as Transsexualtiy. Like Teresa said, you'd know, it would grow into the force and place in your life from which you cannot escape. Like a black hole it would consume you.

On the other hand, being somewhere between 0 and 100% male or female, gay or straight, is something only you can truly figure out for yourself. There is no hurry, and you can take ownership of your own heart and life and be anyone you want to. With or without surgery, mormones or SOMEONE ELSE'S permission.

Now, that said, if you are under 18, you will need your folks help and support.

Parents, let you children find their way to who they are. Someone has said being Trans is trendy. Me, I don't see it, but the best thing you can do for your children is love them and support them. Son likes girl's things? Daughter is a Tomboy? There is a certain amount of curiosity inherent in growing up. Let them run with it. If they are trans, well they'll let you know.

Me, I was kicked out of kindergarten and sat my parents down and asked if they could take me to the doctor so that he could fix me. I've never had a question about my gender, taking "ownership" of it on the otherhand took many years, time, money and an investment in myself. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I'm finally happy where I am in life, at least as far as gender and orientation go, the long term damage caused by a lifetimes worth of struggle, not so much.

Wow, this got long fast... Sorry about that, had more to say than I thought I did...

Samantha, thank you so much. I was so riveted that I didn't even notice that it was kind of a long post.

I think I'll always have a part of me that wishes I were female. In the 0% to 100% spectrum, I'd say I'm a pretty solid 50% (and by that I don't mean gender neutral). I've never completely identified with the male role and there's a part of me that I'm beginning to recognize always identified with the female role. And I've always known that I'm bisexual (at least, for as long as I've thought about such things) so I've long put that issue to rest.

This thread, the research I've done recently, and time I've taken to think has really helped me. I'm feeling much more comfortable with my own thoughts and feelings now. I need to figure out how I want to deal with some of this but I've stopped worrying about what any of it means. I'm me and both my inner male and female are pretty much happy with that.

Though I'd still give anything to be a woman for a few days.

Cyran0

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Cyran0 said:
Samantha, thank you so much. I was so riveted that I didn't even notice that it was kind of a long post.

I think I'll always have a part of me that wishes I were female. In the 0% to 100% spectrum, I'd say I'm a pretty solid 50%. I've never completely identified with the male role and there's a part of me that I'm beginning to recognize always identified with the female role. And I've always known that I'm bisexual (at least, for as long as I've thought about such things) so I've long put that issue to rest.

This thread, the research I've done recently, and time I've taken to think has really helped me. I'm feeling much more comfortable with my own thoughts now. I need to figure out how I want to deal with these thoughts but I've stopped worrying about what they mean.

Cyran0

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((((((((((((((((Cyran0))))))))))))))))

I'm glad you are finding some light, and glad I could help. Never be afraid to ask questions, because there are not stupid questions... I can recommend some other reading materials if you like and am always will to share what I can. If I don't know the answer, don't worry, I'm sure there is someone out there who does. When it all comes down to it, words, labels, and so on are just the little boxes people create to try and help them navigate life. If you don't fit a little box it doesn't mean you're wrong or broken, just different.

Different is good! Variety they say is the spice of life. Finding new ways to be happy, safe and content in our lives is more important than pretty much anything else. If we are not good to ourselves, don't love or care for us, we cannot really do it for anyone else.

If the people around us are more invested in their own narrow view of the universe, it's time to give them room to grow. I know that sounds like a platitude, but beneath it is a shocking amount of truth. Learning to when, why and to whom I should say NOT, YOU CANNOT do this to me has been one of the hardest lessons I've ever had to learn. Probably the most expensive too... In the end however I'd have to say it's been worth it...

Rock on!

Thanks again Samantha.

The real issue that's left over for me, and really the issue I've dealt with forever, is that thoughts and feelings are one thing but outwardly I'm male. So no matter how much I identify one way or the other, that's how the world sees me. And no matter how much I wish I could, I'm never going to get to really know what it's like to be a woman. I can't have that body.

So what to do with those thoughts and feelings?

Years ago I did a fair amount of cross dressing. Sometimes for theater, sometimes for film projects, and sometimes just to go out. I really enjoyed it. I loved having smooth legs, wearing makeup and putting on dresses. It was an insane amount of work but it was great. It felt very natural to just be this female version of myself for a time and then when the clothes came off, I was male again, and that felt good too. At the time I treated it as a goof or at most as a turn on, but looking back on it, I just enjoyed what I saw then as "taking on" that role. Lately I've been thinking that maybe it wasn't that I was taking something on but letting something out.

Ah but things were different then. I wasn't married, didn't have kids, and was about 50 pounds thinner. I suspect that, much like my homosexual urges, these feelings and fantasies and emotions will be dealt with quietly, by myself, without breaking any vows. Because even though my wife knows I'm bisexual and knows I used to cross dress and has heard me wish more than once to have her role for a time, we're still married.

Cyran0

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Cyran0 said:
Samantha, thank you so much. I was so riveted that I didn't even notice that it was kind of a long post.

I think I'll always have a part of me that wishes I were female. In the 0% to 100% spectrum, I'd say I'm a pretty solid 50% (and by that I don't mean gender neutral). I've never completely identified with the male role and there's a part of me that I'm beginning to recognize always identified with the female role. And I've always known that I'm bisexual (at least, for as long as I've thought about such things) so I've long put that issue to rest.

This thread, the research I've done recently, and time I've taken to think has really helped me. I'm feeling much more comfortable with my own thoughts and feelings now. I need to figure out how I want to deal with some of this but I've stopped worrying about what any of it means. I'm me and both my inner male and female are pretty much happy with that.

Though I'd still give anything to be a woman for a few days.

Cyran0

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Cyran0, first, thank you for your kind words. I try to keep things short and to the point as much as possible. I'm glad you found things helpful.

As to being a woman for a couple of days, I'm willing to bet that it probably wouldn't be nearly as interesting as you might imagine. I get flack for this all the time, but I'm here to say that the journey was less about gender or body than it was about freedom.

What I've noticed most about being all girl, inside and out is how little I notice gender anymore. What used to be a painful constant hell is now, well like breathing. It's what's not there that is more than what is. By that I mean heart, mind, body and soul I'm one person now istead of the constant conflict and pain.

Couple of days you might find interesting, but I bet once the novelty wore off, you'd find it as painful and conflicting as I did trying to be a guy. It's not even any one thing, it's not one huge problem alone (having the the wrong bits) as much as it is the HUGE mountain of problems that feel like one is being crushed every day of your life.

Anyway, I'm glad I could help.

Blessings,

Sam

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Cyran0 said:
Thanks again Samantha.

The real issue that's left over for me, and really the issue I've dealt with forever, is that thoughts and feelings are one thing but outwardly I'm male. So no matter how much I identify one way or the other, that's how the world sees me. And no matter how much I wish I could, I'm never going to get to really know what it's like to be a woman. I can't have that body.

So what to do with those thoughts and feelings?

Years ago I did a fair amount of cross dressing. Sometimes for theater, sometimes for film projects, and sometimes just to go out. I really enjoyed it. I loved having smooth legs, wearing makeup and putting on dresses. It was an insane amount of work but it was great. It felt very natural to just be this female version of myself for a time and then when the clothes came off, I was male again, and that felt good too. At the time I treated it as a goof or at most as a turn on, but looking back on it, I just enjoyed what I saw then as "taking on" that role. Lately I've been thinking that maybe it wasn't that I was taking something on but letting something out.

Ah but things were different then. I wasn't married, didn't have kids, and was about 50 pounds thinner. I suspect that, much like my homosexual urges, these feelings and fantasies and emotions will be dealt with quietly, by myself, without breaking any vows. Because even though my wife knows I'm bisexual and knows I used to cross dress and has heard me wish more than once to have her role for a time, we're still married.

Cyran0

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Actually "dressing" is a perfectly normal thing, and many, many people do it without ever taking an irreversible step like surgery or hormones. These days, more an more people are blurring the lines between genders, so it isn't the trauma it used to be.

Spouses and children are also taking it better and even accepting it fully.

Beleive it or not, in some ways I kind of envy your ability to take everything off and just feel like a guy again. I never felt like a guy even when I wa trying so hard to pretend to be one.

Me, I'm a country girl, a farm girl, and like the clean, wholesome look. Jeans, t-shirt, sneakers/boots/sandals, hair pulled back and just the sun on my face. Closest I've ever gotten to makeup is a touch of sheer, colored lip that doubles as a moisturizer. For me, getting all dressed up is a nice blouse, slacks or a skirt, and something different with my hair. Makeup? Nah, still really only gloss and maybe just a little powder. I grew up on a farm in the country, and never really got into the whole glam thing myself.

For me, it was never really about apperance, clothing, makeup or any of the trapings of femininity. For me it was the social roles, the differences in thinking, feeling, communication, and relationships. For me it was always all about just being one of the girls. Mentally and emotionally since before I knew about sex, gender, orientation or any of the more complex things society adds on after the fact, I always have been a girl.

So after all the years of pain, confusion, exclusion and not fitting in, I took thesteps I needed to medically, surgically to be me. It's been great for me, I finally fit into the world and am free to just be who I am, not the person I was told I had to be.

As to being male on the outside... Used to be. Honestly I used to get mistaken for Jonathan Frakes who played Riker on ST:NextGen. Now, I look nothing like him, and that makes me really happy. There's no mistaking me for a guy, and frankly people who never knew me find it impossible to believe because I'm so clearly female. Curiously enough the only surgery I've had was in a place most people don't get to see.

Gender isn't nearly as fixed as folks might think it, and I went in the space of a face short years from looking like Riker, to looking like my Mother. I put off transition for more than a decade because I figured there was no amount of surgery in the world that could make my body correct and female. Well I was right, cause the only surgery I needed was the place so few people ever go. So trust me, outsides can change. Insides however not so much...

So if that is the only thing, maybe, who knows. I just wanted to say, it's not nearly as limiting as you might guess, or even I suspect, believe.

Blessings,

Sam

selfy u sound almost exactly like me...
i fantazize almost all the time....since i became a teenager... all of my fatnasies have been exclusively homosexual... i have fantasies of myself as a man... with a man.. also ive had dreams...
at the same time this makes me feel very sad and empty inside..

to be honest i think women are at a huge disadvantage physically.. and even mentally/socially.. but thats cause i guess ive had too many negative experiences being one..
-the periods obviously
-makeup feels like a prison on my face and its a huge chore to do
-bras feel like handcuffs, always tight and never comfy
-boobs can weigh u down and really hurt if something hits them (maybe just me).. but thank god i hardly have any at all.. (so i dont really even need a bra!!)
- vaginas are just ugly and the stuff that comes out of them is unbearable and sickening and ruins my panties.. not to mention yeast infections (thank god not me ide rip it all out if i ever got one i swear..)which most women seem to get.. do men get yeast infections much?????
-long hair is just annoying
-social pressures to be beautiful and look young (advertisements appealing more to women about wrinkle cream, botox, weight loss especialy whereas men are allowed to look old like the hair coloring that even ADDS gray streaks to the hair).. ive noticed, women on tv are always beautiful and full of makeup and beautiful figures but men are allowed to be fat and ugly (according to jim for example) (except roseanne i guess but even she wears makeup..)
-how women act towards each other sometimes is disgusitng!
-personally i just find mens clothes more comfy... womens are too tight or too revealing or the overall shape is just plain annoying to me... even womens sweat pants are too tight! give me a break!!
-being at a risk for rape especialy where im from

i can think of disadvantages for men..
-small %#@&#! size destroys ego
-expected to have outgoing/aggressive personality and to compete and have power
-hurts really bad for them to be hit in the balls
sorry thats all i can think of!