[Big Mama]

I just do not understand. I don't want to have sex. I have over came rape and am now dealing w/ childhood sexual abuse. I jsut need to take a break from sex. My T has suggested we put sex on the back burner and take a brake for a bit. H is not happy about this. I don't expect him to be. I am sure it is like sleeping in a candy store and not getting to have any of the candy.

He continues to think this lack of sex thing is about him and it is not. I tell him it is not about you. I can't be bribed, persuaded, and manipulated into wanting sex. The T has talked to him and told him it is not about him, this is a choice about me and my healing. I have told him I need to learn that I am not an object for another humans pleasure and if I don't want to do it then I shouldn't, that is what it feels like to me.

My H is always telling me "I must be a real SOB, you can't stand to have sex w/ me" or "I must be a piece of sh** to you." I can't get him to see that this is manipulating me as well. If he tells me these things and I let him have sex with me then I have given in and encouraged the wrong kind of behavior from him. He tells me "we are not going on vacation, whats the use if we can't have sex" I get so tired of hearing these kinda things.

Why, why does he need to have sex so badly. I am also working on being more affectionate. I am afraid to be affectionate. I am simply working on hugs, and kisses on the cheek and non sexual touches. I am very sensitive to touch in a bad kinda way. It gives me the willies and is just gross. As hard as I try it seems I continue to move backwards.

I guess that is just my little rant. Anyone else face similar struggles. I just need to know I am not alone in this.

I put this in survivors of abuse as well. So if you think you have seen this twice you have. sorry.

[Le gra go deo]

That's a tough one,... as a man, maybe I can help you to be a little more understanding as to why he feels the way he does,... most of us are mechanically geared this way, we are by design a more physical being, whereas a woman is more of an emotional being, hence the larger bone structure more muscular builds, stern features, naturally aggressive survivalistic nature ect, ect. I long for and sincerely need a woman's touch like an unquenchable drug, it is how and why we were naturally designed, pro creation drivin life forms, for a man it's a number of things all bundled up into one. Sex for a man is a sense of well being, acceptance, confidence, closeness, bonding, the very glue that binds, hell it's like hitting the lottery every time we do it so I can understand where this would be a difficult time for him. Rather then just telling him "No that is disgusting and I won't do it simply to pleasure you", you need to establish some type of common ground, not sure how to do this but if you don't do it in a reasonable amount of time he may start seeking a replacement, not trying to be rude or disrespectful with that statement but its the scary truth.

[wife22]

I do not want to sound harsh or insensitive, but have you considered just trying to gratify his needs some other ways, just to let him know you still want to be with him,but not ready to receive it yet.It should not make you feel used if you love him,(just try to think of him with desire,even if it is hard),because no matter how we word it as a women,men's perception is a feeling of failure,inconfidence ,which translate into further marital problems.There is no easy way out for you,it will take time for trust with your husband to build up,it is a bumpy road,but if you are willing to stay with him, you might think of finding some ways to satisfy him. And I am sure he will not think of you and You are NOT his pleasure toy,but you are a source of his confidence.
Good luck

[Big Mama]

Le gra go deo - I totally understand that to a man sex says love, to a woman love means kindness. I have been working on alot in T. Past rape and CSA. I just need a temporary break. He has a need bigger then I can fulfill at the moment. The goal at the moment is to get me better so eventually I can be what he needs and what I need to. I would like to think he would rather have a willing partner not a dissociated partner. If he could just give me the time I need to heal emotionally I think things will eventually work out.

I totally get he can't wait forever to. He has needs and if they are not met I don;t think he will continue to stay. He didn't get married to become a monk, he got married to enjoy the same sexual partner for eternity. Well he got married for other reasons to.
Right now I am not really in an emotionally secure place in our relationship. I have alot of forgiving to do and he has some proving that it is safe to forgive him for some of the abusive things he has done as well.

[Big Mama]

wife22 - I have tried to meet his needs in ways other then sex. I have pleasured him. I am not really comfortable doing that. Because at one point I had to do this many many times for the individual who constantly raped me. My H also got angry with me over the years and that was gratifying him was a solution to actually having sex. He would beg, plead, manipulate, and be flat out rude in order to get me to do that. So it is not exactly something I like doing and have had good experiences with.

I jsut wish he would leave me alone and let me heal emotionally. Just during this time that I am working on triggering things in T. When I am trying to over come being someones elses toy, or doing something I don;t want to only to satisfy some one elses need, it has made me feel used in the past. I am trying to work threw that, but continuing on this path is quite difficult.

[Favorite Jeans]

Have you ever read The Survivor's Guide to Sex by Staci Haine? It might be helpful in navigating this issue. Good luck.

Here's the link:
http://www.amazon.ca/gp/aw/d/1573440795

[Big Mama]

No. thank you very much. I will have to look for that

[wife22]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

wife22 - I have tried to meet his needs in ways other then sex. I have pleasured him. I am not really comfortable doing that. Because at one point I had to do this many many times for the individual who constantly raped me. My H also got angry with me over the years and that was gratifying him was a solution to actually having sex. He would beg, plead, manipulate, and be flat out rude in order to get me to do that. So it is not exactly something I like doing and have had good experiences with.

I jsut wish he would leave me alone and let me heal emotionally. Just during this time that I am working on triggering things in T. When I am trying to over come being someones elses toy, or doing something I don;t want to only to satisfy some one elses need, it has made me feel used in the past. I am trying to work threw that, but continuing on this path is quite difficult.

I do not know what to say to avoid hypocrisy...It does feel used and cheap when you are constantly on giving end and never on receiving of trust/love/warmth and respect.I do not know how long man can go like that without marriage base being shuttered.I do believe that the best and closest marriage is were both partners trust /respect each other enough to listen and hear the concerns of each one,and process the information not through their own prism of feelings,but through partner's.Does it happen ?maybe.. I do know one thing,that when I felt like an impersonal used toy,I resented him.Talking was of no avail,since his perception differs from mine.There were days/weeks we behaved like strangers under the same roof( worse when one is living with in-laws,all the questions.....).MOre I waited and longed for him to make a first step and close the distance between us,more he retracted back to his own shell. So i did the first step again and again to avoid reaching the last line I do not want to cross.Does it make me feels better-no,does it save me from misery of bad tension /fight and chilling silence-yes.I can't pretend forever,but I can't tolerate the fights and accusations any more
. So maybe your H needs to work on his anger issues with T,since he did hurt you in the past,Trust is something we earn and we earn things by hard work.
LIfe is Catch 22
Be brave,love yourself,maybe you should start working just to get out of the house.
with all respect and deep sympathy.... ,God bless you

[Big Mama]

Wife22, thank you for your continued support. I really don't know how this marriage is going to progress.

Trust is certainly earned and I am extremely sensitive for obvious reasons (just not obvious to H). He has not reached the point yet where he is trust worthy. Will he ever, I don't know. Will I ever trust again, I don't know. But I am working on it as hard as I can and only time will tell.

[Harley47]

Hi Big Mama. I'm sorry to hear things are going rough.

As a guy, I do certainly understand his perspective...La gra go deo said it best, I think. We are sort of hardwired that way (and at times it sucks, trust me ). But while I do understand where he's coming from, he needs to be willing and able to work with you on this. Right now, your healing should take priority. Yes, I know that requires him to be patient in an area that we, as a gender, can struggle to be patient in. But right now, it's in the best interest of you both for him to work with you in healing through this.

To what extent does he know and understand your perspective on this? From what you posted, it sounds like he believes he is the issue. While we both know that's not the case, I think if he can be convinced that he's not at fault (there is no "fault" to speak of at all here, but more than likely, he thinks something is wrong, sexually, on his end) it might be easier for you both.

Do know you're in my prayers, and I hope things improve soon.

Hugs,
Harley

[wife22]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Wife22, thank you for your continued support. I really don't know how this marriage is going to progress.

Trust is certainly earned and I am extremely sensitive for obvious reasons (just not obvious to H). He has not reached the point yet where he is trust worthy. Will he ever, I don't know. Will I ever trust again, I don't know. But I am working on it as hard as I can and only time will tell.

Man are like kids who need constant reassurance and attention , otherwise they get into trouble. And like kids they are selfish in getting what they want.
Today I suddenly understood with sharp clarity that man/people in general feel more relaxed next to confident appearing peer . Their approach and mood changes when they see the confidence ,even if it is fake ,even H was more eager to comply/see my point .just like kids if you give them an option they twist you for more ,but give them confident hug with reassurance of your love -they deal better
Hope it helps
Marriage can survive if both parties ad working on keeping the happiness alive,
How long the marriage can go on is difficult to say,it depends how long you both will be willing to hold up
As for support-isn't that the reason we chose this site?anytime
You are in my prayers too

[wife22]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Wife22, thank you for your continued support. I really don't know how this marriage is going to progress.

Trust is certainly earned and I am extremely sensitive for obvious reasons (just not obvious to H). He has not reached the point yet where he is trust worthy. Will he ever, I don't know. Will I ever trust again, I don't know. But I am working on it as hard as I can and only time will tell.

Wish you patience and strength to go forward
Men are like kids, want their toys and attention , otherwise they have tantrums and historically women should retreat,but why?
God help you
Just know that you are worth the best,believe in yourself,
Hugs

[Big Mama]

Wife22, thank your for your continued support. (((Hugs)))

[Big Mama]

Harley, My H feels like he is having to pay the price for someone elses mistakes. It is not fair to him and he is unhappy about that. I try to remind him, as bad as it sucks for him it sucks twice as bad for me. Does he think I asked for this. But he still doesn't see how or why he has to pay the price so to speak.

Mama, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!
Never ever think your alone kay?
I know what this is about....I know all about it, and its not fair to either of us, but you have to trust God will take care of you and never let you fall, he'll never hate you for a decision you make. Your husband scares me to be honest...he really really scares me. I have so many things I wish I could say to this man for hurting you emotionally the way I know he has....ITS NOT FAIR! Im here for you...always and forever...

[Big Mama]

Thank you so much CGC, that is so sweet. I know that things are getting better, I know that he is alot nicer then he used to be, and I know that my T will have him in court if he puts a hand on me.

It looks like I won this battle. The computer is still on isn't it.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Thank you so much CGC, that is so sweet. I know that things are getting better, I know that he is alot nicer then he used to be, and I know that my T will have him in court if he puts a hand on me.

It looks like I won this battle. The computer is still on isn't it.

I have a really good book at work all about healing from childhood sexual abuse. It talks about how important it is for some women to take a steo back from sex to heal. It's at my job but I'll figure out who it's by and let you know. It's got a section that's all for your partner to read too, maybe it could help.

Sent from my SPH-D710 using Tapatalk

[Big Mama]

I have a stupid confession. I was reading the wrong thread,I thought it was the one about my H not wanting to keep the computer on and to have our internet service canceled as a form of control.

This thread here is indeed about my H wanting to have sex and me not. Now I feel like a read dingbat.

My T will have my H is court if he puts his hands on me, as in to inflict harm of hit me.

Angel if you have the title of a good book I would certainly be interested.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

I have a stupid confession. I was reading the wrong thread,I thought it was the one about my H not wanting to keep the computer on and to have our internet service canceled as a form of control.

This thread here is indeed about my H wanting to have sex and me not. Now I feel like a read dingbat.

My T will have my H is court if he puts his hands on me, as in to inflict harm of hit me.

Angel if you have the title of a good book I would certainly be interested.

http://m.barnesandnoble.com/w/courag...=9780060950668

Here's the link mama.

Sent from my SPH-D710 using Tapatalk

[Big Mama]

Angel - Thank you so much. I have read that one. Many times. It is a good one to read just to remind you that you are not alone and what you may be going threw is in a very large range of normal. I to recommend this book to anyone wishing for further insight.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Angel - Thank you so much. I have read that one. Many times. It is a good one to read just to remind you that you are not alone and what you may be going threw is in a very large range of normal. I to recommend this book to anyone wishing for further insight.

My T gave it to me... I absolutely love it.

Sent from my SPH-D710 using Tapatalk

[transient]

I'm just going to point out, for those in the thread and lurking, that what Le Gra Go Deo originally posted was gender stereotypical, and goes hand in hand with what sexist biological determinists think. Men are more emotionally needy, and women have sex for "a sense of well-being, acceptance, confidence, bonding" etc. as well.

@Big Mama- I'm sorry that you're going through a hard time with this. I think that your husband needs to open his mind to the fact that you don't exist for his sexual gratification, that him manipulating you and pushing you to be sexual is wrong, and that you taking a step back really is not about him. The way I see it, he has hands that he can use. He needs to respect you and your decision to take your time to heal and process what you have been through.
I hope he can take the initiative to do some research so he can begin to understand what you've been through and the reasons you have for not being sexual.
I had a similar issue with my last partner and I had to end it because I couldn't be with someone who didn't accept that part of me. My mom is also having similar issues like yours, and she has to talk to my dad about it every so often when her ptsd gets bad.

This is your time to heal, and to find the strength within yourself, and I believe that you can do it. I send positive thoughts your way

[Leto]

To those reading this now, (I know it's an old thread), please remember that taking a step back does not mean cutting off. My SO used that line 8 years ago, and still has not stepped back up. 1-2 times a year is NOT enough to keep the bonds of a marriage lasting and over that time period taking a step back is no longer what has done. You will have made them celibate. As a survivor I get taking a step back, it is good and useful. Just be sure it is a step back and that the step forward comes. I have done my part, I have literally gone months without saying one thing about sex, but PLEASE remember we are human and we do have needs and desires. When you put things off for an extended period, you are doing more damage than good.

[Big Mama]

Thank you Leto. Good point. My H and I have sex once every two weeks now. I know that is not optimal in his eyes, but that is to much to soon for me. This original post is a year and a half old or so. Things have not really improved very much. As this year has progressed and looking back at this, I think I still see my H as perpetrator. He is still the offender and I still have a hard time getting past that.

Between the past abuse from long ago, past abuse from my husband, and current efforts but short coming we have now keep me from wanting sex. He still makes me feel like a kid not his wife. He still makes me fearful at times. He is hardly my husband he is more like my daddy, my enemy, my ..... what ever is opposite of lover. Yet we are married and I try to meet his needs even if it is on a small scale.

[ChipperMonkey]

I'd say you married a man who was a re-creation of your trauma. You were abused before, and then entered into a marriage with a man who thinks your main purpose in life is to get him off. Yeah, I TOTALLY get that sex means something different to guys, but at the same time, whatever happened to "for better or worse"? I'd end up being a total -ss to this guy and telling him that if at any time in the future he is unable to "perform" that you're going outside the marriage to find someone who can satisfy you. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, and yeah, what goes around comes around.