[planejane13]

I have absolutely no self esteem. Some days I am ok and I feel a little confident and I think logically. Other days, many of them actually, I compare myself to other woman and I end up hating myself and crying myself to sleep. I have a lot of medical problems so I think I fear I will age rapidly. I fear going out in public because I constantly compare myself and I worry about what others think of me, personality and looks. I like to stay home and I end up cancelling a lot of plans with family because of this problem. I am kind and honest and sincere and a good person but feel like Im losing my mind because I just cant stand myself sometimes. I am basically fit and have been complimented quite a bit but I dont believe people when they say nice things. I feel like if they knew me, if they saw my crooked back and knew about my fatigue and what I have been through in life and then my confidence problems that they wouldnt think those nice things. I hate the media, I can barely watch t.v. or movies or listen to the radio, I dont keep magazines in my house. I have to stay away from situations where I would see pretty woman or even hear about them. I dont have friends and I dont feel like I fit in anywhere. I feel awkward and unattractive. I have been through a lot in life, including the medical, I am unable to work at this time, survived sexual abuse multiple times, grew up with an alcoholic abusive father, and stayed with my verbally abusive and alcoholic boyfriend. I've lost my motivation to do the things I live, guitar, painting, etc. and I feel like Im wasting away. Like Im a waste of space. What good am I, I dont do anything right and Ive done nothing I can be proud of. I feel like a completely different person when I fall into this self loathing and when I snap out of it which is usually the next day, I realize I was being over sensitive and have a warped self image. I have lost my motivation to do the things I love, guitar, painting, walking, etc. I see a t but havent touched on this subject yet because I thought I had it under control but it's getting worse. If anyone knows of any steps to take, or advice for me, that would be great.

[dailyhealing]

I'm sorry you are hurting so much, and I think considering what you have been through it is "normal" to have the self hatred that you have. Surviving sexual abuse leaves many emotional scars, it is not your fault that you feel this way. I'm working on some self hatred of my own lately in t. Also (and I can't tell from your post if you are still with him) having a boyfriend who is verbally abusive will feed the self hatred also. For me I have had to surround myself with as many positive and caring people as I can in my life. It's a slow process of recovery, but things can get better. My t tells me that talking about and accepting the bad feelings without judgment (VERY hard to do) is the answer as opposed to pushing them away. That's what i tend to do.

Anyhow, I'm glad you have posted and hope you continue to post here. Take care of yourself, you are not alone.

[htebsiL radnalaS]

Originally Posted by planejane13

I have absolutely no self esteem. Some days I am ok and I feel a little confident and I think logically. Other days, many of them actually, I compare myself to other woman and I end up hating myself and crying myself to sleep. I have a lot of medical problems so I think I fear I will age rapidly. I fear going out in public because I constantly compare myself and I worry about what others think of me, personality and looks. I like to stay home and I end up cancelling a lot of plans with family because of this problem. I am kind and honest and sincere and a good person but feel like Im losing my mind because I just cant stand myself sometimes. I am basically fit and have been complimented quite a bit but I dont believe people when they say nice things. I feel like if they knew me, if they saw my crooked back and knew about my fatigue and what I have been through in life and then my confidence problems that they wouldnt think those nice things. I hate the media, I can barely watch t.v. or movies or listen to the radio, I dont keep magazines in my house. I have to stay away from situations where I would see pretty woman or even hear about them. I dont have friends and I dont feel like I fit in anywhere. I feel awkward and unattractive. I have been through a lot in life, including the medical, I am unable to work at this time, survived sexual abuse multiple times, grew up with an alcoholic abusive father, and stayed with my verbally abusive and alcoholic boyfriend. I've lost my motivation to do the things I live, guitar, painting, etc. and I feel like Im wasting away. Like Im a waste of space. What good am I, I dont do anything right and Ive done nothing I can be proud of. I feel like a completely different person when I fall into this self loathing and when I snap out of it which is usually the next day, I realize I was being over sensitive and have a warped self image. I have lost my motivation to do the things I love, guitar, painting, walking, etc. I see a t but havent touched on this subject yet because I thought I had it under control but it's getting worse. If anyone knows of any steps to take, or advice for me, that would be great.

My reply is inspired by all the wonderful things about you that you are aware of yet struggle to embrace because of the others' toxicity blinding and binding you.

And I can relate. So thanks for your post. What I write to you I also need to hear...

Don't let them win. Don't let their poison kill you. It is their poison. Give it back to them. There's a line in a song by Sinead entitled, "What Doesn't Belong To Me", that expresses this beautifully. I hope it helps ease your struggle...

"What Doesn't Belong To Me"

The woman named Iris gave birth to the goddess
In her son who can't say her name
Because of all the pain
I miss you but I'm glad you're gone
I want you but I'm not alone
I'm haunted by you
But I'll get you gone if it takes me all my life long
You take back the pain you gave me
You take back what doesn't belong to me
Take back the shame you gave me
Take back what doesn't belong to me

I'm Irish, I'm English, I'm Moslem, I'm Jewish,
I'm a girl, I'm a boy
And the goddess meant for me only joy
And real love requires you, give up those loves
Whom you think you love best
Love puts you through the test
And only loyal love will bring me happiness

And take back the rage you gave me
Take back the hatred you gave me for me
Take back the anger that nearly killed me
Take back what doesn't belong to me

And real love requires you
Give up those loves
That you think you love best
Love put you through the test
And only loyal love will bring you happiness

And take back the pain you gave me
You take back what doesn't belong to me
Take back the blame you gave me
Take back what doesn't belong to me
Take back what doesn't belong to me
Take back what doesn't belong to me
Take back what doesn't belong to me

[planejane13]

Dailyhealing, thank you for your reply and support. I have noticed its hard for me to talk about my feelings as I am ashamed of myself in a way but at the same time, I know I need help. I am still with my boyfriend but he has slowed his drinking and has been going to t as well. Its hard to let go of some of the things he has said to me but I have to if I want to continue this relationship. I guess right no, we are working on things. I wish you luck in your struggles and thanks so much for your reply.
Htebsil, I started crying when I read your reply. Ive never thought of dealing with the effects Ive felt as you suggested. Take away the abusers power in making me feel bad about myself and give it back to them. Its great to learn new ways of dealing with feelings that actually work!! I learned the Sinead song on guitar and Ive decided that when I feel down, I will play it. Its already helped me:-) So, thank you so much. I know you said you need to hear those things as well so I wish you luck in whatever struggles you are dealing with.

I will continue on in my journey to finding love for myself. A friend of mine asked me why I was so mean to myself but not to any other person. How can we treat ourselves so much worse than we deserve. This has helped me as well.

[nicoleflynn]

It is so sad. People who are abused take on the blame and shame that belongs to the abuser. Knowing the difference between OUR stuff and THEIR stuff is a major key. You need to tell your therapist; they are there to help you. As scary as it is it will probably be a big relief. If you don't feel you can tell her. Write it down even if it is only one sentence.

[H3rmit]

I'm glad other people have had helpful insights and suggestions for you. Few of us are supermodels and none of us walk around with the benefit or airbrushed perfection or professionally photographed lighting. I can look awful in a picture or I can look not too bad. I'm not a glamour girl, so we're talking about ordinary appearance. Try to find your best feature and appreciate it. A plain ring may have a single jewel that shines, and so must you. Try to emphasize your best feature(s), because doing so may create some enjoyment for you. When I was younger I never looked in a mirror and felt uncomfortable doing so. You may be the same, but if you can get past that, you may find doing your best with what you have does feel good.

Looks fade, so other virtues are also good to focus on. If you are young, as you seem to be, you are no doubt capable of looking great, even if you are plain. Try to make the most of it, and get some enjoyment out of it.

Maybe this is not the approach you want, the external one rather than the more meaningful internal one. But since it made a difference even for an anti-fashionista (me), I thought it might be a net positive for you. Don't compare yourself to others, but get used to setting your own standard and comparing to your recent self. Just an idea. I was struck yesterday with awareness of comparing myself to someone I admire greatly, someone I have had only a professional relationship with, but close proximity. I suffered greatly with this over the past week, and it is just fading a little, so I can relate to your pain in that sense.

[planejane13]

Thanks Nicole. I have told my therapist about everything except my severe low self esteem. I guess I thought it wasnt that bad but recently has gotten worse. I see her soon so I will focus on this then.
Hermit, thanks so much for your reply. I am not a vain person at all, I work hard at not judging others but cant stop judging myself. I do have admirable qualities, both looks and personality. Its when I get so down that I cant get up and then I cant believe those things anymore, I dont trust my own positive perception. Sometimes I feel great or ok and then other times I completely cannot stand myself. I am 27 and have always been a little self conscious until recently. I fear that my boyfriends drinking and mean words have triggered my childhood in a huge way. Though he has stopped the verbal abuse, I cant help but think that he thinks those mean things about me. I cant let it go. He reminds me of my father. But as htebsil said, those mean word belong to him and I can choose not to keep them. Its just the process of doing it thats hard. Anyways thanks for your advice, when Im down Ill remember your words:-)
I appreciate everyones replies, thank you all so much. I helps a great deal just to know that Im not alone.

[MotownJohnny]

Speaking as a guy, I am always surprised at some of the very beautiful women I have met who can't see in themselves what I and others see. Trust me, guys notice a pretty girl. Funny, when I think about it in the context of low self esteem and possible history of abuse, it suddenly makes more sense when I think of some of the women I have known over the years who sort of hid behind a "plain Jane" facade. Which is sad.

I can so totally relate - my father hated me from day one. So, he took every opportunity to belittle me, make me feel like crap. As a teenager, he would criticize my appearance, the fact that I wasn't a bulky, muscular kind of guy, told me I wasn't "man enough" that sort of thing. And, even though I knew it was all so much crap, it still hurt and it still did damage. I spent a lot of years not caring very much about my appearance either. Of course, that is so much easier in our society to get away with for a man, as long as you aren't physically repulsive, filthy or something, no one looks twice. A lot of guys are slobs and get away with it.

For me, I found it does matter. And, while people often deride an emphasis on appearance as shallow or vain, those of us like myself who have self esteem issues due to a history if abuse really can benefit, I believe, from working on appearance. A common theme among patients in the partial,hospital program I was at last year was how they let themselves go - a few to the extreme, one guy in a manic phase of bipolar hadn't showered or changed his underwear for almost two months - yikes! So, I make a real effort now. And, at times, it does feel materialistic, especially when I found myself at Nordstrom dropping almost a grand on a Joseph Abboud suit. But it does help me feel better about myself. Fake it until you make it, you know.

[planejane13]

Hi johnny and thanks for the reply. I do worry about my appearance, never leave the house without makeup and looking atleast decent. I shower everyday and sometimes twice a day. Im very artistic so I dress as such. I was very poor as a child though, my mom would take my siblings and I to a church once a month to get bags of free clothes. We rarely shopped and if we did it was at thrift stores or dollar stores. So I think this plays a role in my self esteem issues as well. I know other people think Im attractive, I just have a hard time believing it. And sometimes I feel as if people can tell how I grew up, that no matter how long I spend on myself, they can see where I came from just from looking at me. I cant wear heels because of my back surgeries and I lost 2 inches in my torso because my spine is curved. I feel like people can see this as well though my family and t say they cant tell. Are they just being nice?

[lisa1971]

I too am the same, nobody in my life has made me feel like i'm worth their time, or that i am beautiful. I live in constant fear that my b/f likes women better when we are out, or on films,etc, but he doesn't tell me i am wrong, so i keep believing what i feel. He also has said some horrible things about me in emails to his mate and i found them-i was completly destroyed-and has made my feelings much worse. I just wanted you to know you are not alone in your thinking. We are beautiful in our own way.

[nicoleflynn]

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans is a book which should be required reading for everyone on the planet. Abusers are excruciatingly insecure and will say and do anything to keep you. You have to find a way to respect yourself so that you won't accept abusive behavior, What you don't realize is that most people are too busy thinking about themselves to notice you much or at all. Everyone has issues, no one feels perfect about themselves. There is nothing wrong with us. We are all born perfect and innocent and somewhere along the way person(s) tell us lies about ourselves. They are just that....lies. THEY are insecure.

[planejane13]

Lisa, Im so sorry that you feel the same way. I know we are supposed to surround ourselves with positive people, do things that make us feel good about ourselves, read self help books, etc. but its easier said than done to believe good things about ourselves when we have been taught to believe otherwise. It comes from within ourselves and I feel like its one of the most difficult journeys Ive been through in my life. I thank you for your reply and wish you luck in the future. We have to remember we ARE beautiful!!!Nicole, I have heard of this book many times, I just dont have the cash to get it yet.
I do plan on it though so hopefully it will help. And I have definitely noticed and realized recently that the abusers are insecure. It makes complete sense. They try to make themselves feel better at whatever cost they can. Or they project their insecurities on us. Thank you for the book suggestion and reply:-)

[hamster-bamster]

Jane,

Since your boyfriend is very abusive - severely so - and does not even let you talk, or, when you do talk, makes you apologize, all that conversing about self-esteem on here is pointless.

You need to get out - and then converse about self-esteem at your leisure. First things first.

Sorry to be so blunt, but it is difficult to read through this exchange about some subtle points when the elephant in the room is not being noticed.