i hate life..

niiiiiiiightmares... how i HATE them. ive had them 6 out of 7 nights every week youd think i would be used to them by now.. well.. im not.

TRIGGERSSSSSSSSSSSSS



triggers

my father hitting me with his fist - im 3 or 4. i did not do the bl*wj*b right, orsomething.
my father standing over me with his belt. im about 6. hitting hitting hitting.. i screamed and screamed... then passed out, eventually - how could the neighbours NOT have heard.. and if they didnt... why didnt they do ANYTHING
my mother hitting me for looking her in the eyes - do i dare challenge her? - im about 4 or 5
My mother hitting me for not looking her in the eyes - look at me when i talk to you! - i'm about 7/8 - she hit me with a frickin candle holder. I dont scream or cry anymore.
my dad throwing me in a wall - im 11 - i remember that night well. i broke 5 ribs, my left shoulder, nose and a few fingers.
i'm 13 now. My dad's 'friend' is not satisfied with me and demands his money back. He's yelling at me. takes my left hand snaps 4 of my fingers, i break all 4. makes me do another bl*wj*b on his 'friend'
I'm 14. coughing up blood. my father throws me into a wall *again* I remember thinking I'm going to die. I wake up in a hospital. 5 days later.
About 2 weeks later. shipped back home.. My father is in jail but my mother is not. She blames me for that he is in jail.
a few more weeks later. my mother is bringing my fathers 'friends' home. 'atleast this way i still make some money out of you'.
I tell my social worker. Countless fosterfamilies follow. More abuse. Lose sight in one eye.
Last february. my brother dies of cancer.. more abuse...
I lose my will to live.

nightmares.. flashbacks.. bodymemories.. so.. much.. pain..
yet.. im still here.. somehow..

Hello Blue - I didn't check your age and don't know what kind of therapy you've went through - but my experience has been this

My therapist told me once that I can control my dreams.... huh, yeah right.

Well as time passed and the dreams continued I noticed changes in them.
When SHE (mother) was treated me badly I would ask her why.
Then as the dreams continued over time...... I got to the point where I no longer let her hurt me in any way.
I actually saw her for what she really is in life.........

I does take time.... But I was amazed through my dreams - I grew and was afraid of her no more.

P.S. doesn't mean I don't still have dreams now and then, but in them she's always acting the fool

im 16
i dont have therapy anymore. hated it. triggered me soooo much. igave it over half a year.. then fired her...
They had already said themselves (after like 2,3 months) they couldn not really help me but would look for another t.. still hasnt happened

I hope you do not give up on you and your healing. I can't say it won't be easy but i have faith that if you find a good therapist, one day you will learn how trust feels, how nurturing touch feels like, how great it can feel when someone goes to bat for you. I hope your nightmares stop soon.

thats what they all say... therapy and life shall be good again.
i stopped believing

Hello Blue. Sorry to hear you are so down. Are you safe now?

(((((((((((((((((((((((blue))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

i am so sorry - no wonder you think life is crap - you had enough of it in your time - its not fair an its not right when adults dont love you the right way - when the very people who should protect you harm you - it makes me so angry

are you in a safe place now? Im sorry Blue, im so sorry about all thats happened and im so sorry about your brother..... life isnt fair somtimes...
hell a whole lot of the time in your case grrrrr!

I have had body memories - when my T said just let them come - i thought you have got to be frikkin mad grrr - do you have any idea how they feel adn i hated them and they scared me and they made me feel sick ...... and i fought them and tried to stop them but it didint work - so i gave T's thing a try - what the heck my way wasnt working...

I cant say it was nice - it wasnt - it was nasty - but .... after a long time.. what seemed like forever ... they have calmed down a bit and i cna bear them now - most of the time lol well 85% of the time - which is HUGE for me....

an as starlite said - now i try to say get away and send them on their way - somtimes it actually works - yay!!!

I cant feel what youve felt - i didnt go through what you did - all i can do is tell you i care and im here sitting with you if you want me to

take care P7 (hugs if ok)

p.s., oh and about T's - i had 3 I think beofre i found this one - they were not the right fit - the one i have now is great - even though i still cant say the words he gets what i mean - there are a lot of crap T's out there - but there are also a lot of good ones and you can be helped - it just needs to be the right T - sorry to have rambled on so much P7

pss - oops - wiht the nightmares - what i do is turn on the light - remind myself that its the past - that i lived through it and this is a memory so no matter how bad it feels i survived it once so i can do again...... if im stil scared i get up and read a book or atch TV and sleep wiht the light on

Blue - tons of very safe love to you.... such a precious soul you are... so so precious....

No wise words but take care, ((( Blue ))) I know how bad it feels. I've lost track of how many therapists I've ever had and I don't even know if I like this one. And even if I'm still so hurt and I'll forever bare the injuries and scars dealt to me by the past, there's some good in life- friends, the odd moments of fun that I get. Life isn't all bad.
You're a strong person, I'm sure you're sick of hearing this but I think you'll get through it. Recovery is a hard, difficult, unfair and painful path but it's a doable one that I'm beginning to travel too.
Take care, Blue. You matter a lot to lots of people on this site as well.

Hi Blue I'm so sorry that you had to go through all that you have and I'm sorry that you are reliving these awful things in your nightmares!!!
You should not have been treated the way that you were especially by those who were supposed to love and protect you!!!
I too have aful nightmares that i struggle to deal with and I know how difficult it can be!! My goes out to you and I want you to know that you are not alone and that there are loads of ppl here that are willing to be there for you!!!
And as Phoenix7 said you have survived it once you can do it again, we all can especially with the support of others on PC.
Please take care and know that I am always here if you need!!!

I'm not as smart as these guys are so I don't really know what to tell ya about the nightmares to make you feel better in some way

But I remember we used to live in this townhouse place and our neighbors right next the us you could hear them screaming at each other through the walls when they fought and they had a little kid but I forgot what happened to her, I know they at least abandoned their cat outside all winter and she would have frozen to death but we kind of adopted her (she was hit by a car and killed shortly after that) not to mention some time after they moved out the cops asked us if we had seen them because they where looking for them.

and years later I looked back and felt guilty for not doing anything when someone told me that I was still just a kid and it wasn't my responsibility to do that (even though in my head at 12 when it comes to these situations you're close enough to an adult to do that anyways, I guess not) my parents should have done something but they never did...heck...I don't think they were even concerned! Everyone seemed to have the attitude "oh well, that's life people are always going to treat each other like crap and yell at each other" myself included, but at least it was disturbing to me.

anyways, (in my expirience at least) that's why people heard stuff but didn't say anything. Because they don't stop to think about the people involved and thinks it's just human/society's nature to treat each other like crap.

thanks for the support...
just right now, i can not see all those things
abuse and its effect// is all i know i cant imagine it will ever be any different

ugh.. another nightmare. i tried to do something to take my mind of stuff i listened to the radio, i made myself some breakfast, i went onto the dragoncave site etc. Does. not. work.

triggers



triggers

i'm 9 years old. my father brings me with him, to a 'party'. There were about 10 other man, fat skinny young old rich poor... i recognise a few. a doctor a teacher and the rest i dunno of what they do. There's 2 other boys. they are older then me, about 13,14 i think. They are instructed to do... things with me. they dont do it right or something. get hit. again.. there's a camera...

Hey blue i'm sorry you had another nightmare! I wish i could take away all your pain! I really think you should pursue gettin a new therapist! Some work in different ways an you need to find one that will suit you! Pls try an get a new one keep demandin a new one cos it may really help you! Sending love an support

its an understatement to say what you've experienced is difficult Blue... so many are reaching out to you, testament to humanity and care of others... you have to have the will to live, inside of yourself, very deep down, find it....

i know people here, care
i'm sorry if it seems like i dont appreciate that, or something

Here's hoping that you have a calmer night.

thanks but.. i dont think i ever get calmer nights..
just more or less upsetting nightmares.. meh...

triggers


I dreamt about the beating again. then changed to my brothers funeral. my father was there. in the dream he was saying if you had just died that day when u were 14.. this is your brothers punishment for calling 112 (dutch 991)..
he pushes me in the grave ... earth comes...

i dont know why i have so many diff dreams lately. usually its just a few selected ones, that willl usually be a little bit diff each night but not this much.. and maybe.. sometimes i dream more about the s/abuse sometimes more about my brother sometimes more about the accident with my eye... but lately its all over the place.. . something else everynight it seems..

I'm speechless with anger at your parents and with sorrow and support for you. I'm so sorry. The above responders know more about this than I do. I, too, hope that you are safe now, and that parents are somewhere behind bars. There should be a battery of psychological tests one has to take before being allowed parenthood! Yes, I realize it would cut into our freedoms, but what is freedom, if it is used to torture a child. Again, I am so sorry, and I wish I had better advice for you. There is no fairness in the world. However, I believe there is justice in the universe; in Kharma; in "what goes around, comes around" and so forth. Maybe it's just my own stupid belief system, but I think that, somewhere down the line, we get a good day for every bad one. And vice versa. May this be true for you ! Bless You, and please hang in with us. Reread the excellent suggestions of those above. billieJ

we are trying ((Blue)))) stay strong

*contiuneed***


there's 4 of them... telling me what to do
dont do it right.. agian...
one of them just likes torturing us i think
we go home
my father punishes me for 'doing a bad job*

isnt it just like the dumb criminal news... they cant get it right because they are not right... there is no right way to do what they do Blue... you are whats right.. speaking out against it, fighting against it, saying its wrong... its not just wrong, its positively unhealthy, for you and them.... they are miserable and they put the misery they feel onto you... that is not right and that is not healthy ... remember to yourself always what good health is, what people here are telling you... before you go to sleep think of the good people you've met here, know we care and we hear you... maybe we will show up in your dream and protect you if you let us

((((((((((((((((((((((((Blue))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Next time they come in your dreams - as Nowheretorun said - let us stand with you - reach into your mind and bring us out to stand wiht you - tellthem to F*** off and leave you alone - that you ahve friends now who wil stand wiht you against them - tell them to get the hell out of town and take their sickness wiht them

you ar worthwhile and you are our friend and we wil stand with you in your dreams if you let us - gentle safe hugs if ok my friend

take care P7

i can feel them even now.. its such a struggle to just, calm down..

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Blue)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

when i feel the hands on me i try to do somthing that involves concentrating - or is there somthing you like to do ? i look after my plants or playt wiht my cat ......

I brush the places i feel their touch wiht my hands to remind myself that they are not touching me now....

I am sorry this is a very hard thing to go through.......

sorry BLue - i wihs i could take the pain away......

P7