[dsmart]

HI I DONT KNOW IF ANY OF YALL KNOW ME BUT IM HAVING A REALLY BAD DAY...YOU SEE ALMOST TEN YEARS AGO I WENT TO MY SISTERS HOUSE FOR THANKSGIVING AND I SPENT THE NIGHT.WELL HER B-FRIEND STAYED THERE ALSO BUT I DIDNT THINK ANYTHING OF IT, UNTIL THE NEXT MORNING WHEN SHE HAD TO GO TO WORK AND I WOKE UP WITH HIM HOLDING A PILLOW OVER MY HEAD AND A KNIFE TO MY THROAT TELLING ME HE WOULDNT HURT ME IF I JUST LET HIM DO HIS THING. I FOUGHT I REALLY DID BUT IT WASNT HARD ENOUGH I SHOULD HAVE FOUGHT HARDER OR LONGER OR TRIED TO SCREAM OR SOMETHING BUT I WAS SCARED, SO I GAVE IN AND LET HIM DO HIS THING AND AFTER WORDS HE GOT OFF ME AND LEFT. SO I WENT AND TOOK A SHOWER AND KEPT IT A SECRET FOR ALMOST FOUR OR FIVE MIONTHS NOT REAL SURE WHEN I FINALLY TOLD MY MOM I WAS PREGNANT BY THE S.O.B.
ANYWAY THAT WAS ALMOST 10 YEARS AGO AND I HAVE A GREAT 9 YR OLD DAUGHTER WHO IS MY LIFE LINE BUT IM NOT GOING TO LIE TO ANYONE ITS HARD ITS REALLY HARD KNOWING WHERE SHE CAME FROM BUT WHATS A MOM SUPPOSE TO DO? I HAVE FINALLY TOLD HER WHAT HER SPERM DONOR HAS DONE TO ME AND HOW HE TOOK MY LIFE AWAY FROM ME BUT MY QUESTION IS HOW DO YOU TAKE IT BACK? I WANT MY LIFE BACK I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND FEAR FREE I DONT WANT TO BE A VICTIM ANYMORE I WANT TO BE A SURVIVOR, BUT IM SCARED, I NEVER PRESSED CHARGES ON HIM BECAUSE I FELT LIKE IT WAS MY FAULT FOR NOT FIGHTING HARD ENOUGH THEY WOULD HAVE SAID I WANTED IT BUT I DIDNT, SO TO THIS DAY IVE BEEN SILENCED BY THIS SO CALLED MAN..HE STILL HAS POWER OVER ME AND STILL MAKES ME FEEL UNSAFE IN MY OWN HOME. IVE TRIED GETTING HELP BUT THE PEOPLE IVE GONE TO WAS MORE INTERESTED IN MY CHILDHOOD THAN THE RAPE SO I DONT KNOW WHAT IM DOING WRONG. ANY THOUGHTS WOULD BE GREAT SORRY SUCH A LONG POST....I JUST NEEDED TO VENT BECAUSE IM HAVING A REALLY BAD DAY.

[h0kie]

((((((((((dsmart)))))))))) I'm so sorry you went through that. I don't have any suggestions (I'm truly sorry that I don't), but I wanted you to know someone read this and let you know I do care. You're not to blame.

[dsmart]

THANKS 1DAYATATIME2 IT HELPS TO HEAR PEOPLE TELL ME ITS NOT MY FAULT...

[SS8282]

The hard part is believing it. It's not easy.

I don't think you CAN get over it, but you can learn to deal with it so that it won't bother you as much nor as intense.

Would it help to keep thinking that something 'good' came out of it? Your daughter.

You've survived something that was horrible. To me, all you've accomplished - raising a child by yourself, is something to be proud of. Maybe it would help if you try to focus on this instead of what happened to you.

hugs.

I am so sorry that happened to you.

Maybe this website can help you.

http://www.dancinginthedarkness.com/...es.php?show=11

Petunia

[CompGeek]

It was not your fault. Please don't ever think that it was. Feeling safe is an important thing in life. If you do not have an alarm in your residence if you installed one it might help you feel more safe. Please don't live in fear. Maybe talking to another therapist might help. alot of therapist ask questions about peoples childhood becasue in all of our classes we learn all these theorys about developmental stages and how things that happen to us early in life impact things that happen to us later in life. Please just remember that it is not your fault.

-Jason

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((dsmart)))))))))))))))))

this was NOT your fault. i do understand your feelings. i hope that someday you will be able to heal. you did not ask for this and was left to deal with it. raw deal to say the least...the very least.

i hope you can get into a therapist and attempt to place this somehow.

i wish i could give more advice. just know that you're not alone. we care.

kd

[bipolar_bear]

This was not your fault. You were under threat from someone that was stronger, bigger and armed. You were the victim. You can never erase what happened but you can can learn to come to terms with what happened. Please have the compassion for yourself that you would have for someone else that this happened to. You deserve to treat yourself well. Your daughter is very lucky to have such a loving mom. That is something you can be very proud of.

My therapist found me someone who specialized in people who have been abused and it is helping me tremendously. Again treat yourself kindly.

You are not alone. Good luck finding help. My heart goes out to you. ((((((((((dsmart)))))))))))))

[soonforgotten]

don't be sorry ... we are glad that you trust us enough to let us know what happened to you and ask for our advice.I don't think you ever get over rape, you just try to push it aside and get through life. I have a 7 yo daughter she was conceived by almost similarly to your situation;I admire you for your courage to speak up and out about your experience.I still can't speak about mine.

it wasn't your fault. it was done to you by a despicable creature, who calls himself a "man".....take your power back from him, by getting a T, that will talk to you about the rape. hang in there and keep us updated. xoxo pat

[jennie]

It's not your fault. When a person is a victim of a violent crime like rape, fear can paralyze you, and you are powerless.

How do you get over rape?

- Have you ever tried group therapy with other women whom have experienced sexual assault? This would be a good way to begin healing with a safe circle of friends.

- Prolonged Exposure Therapy (endorsed by psychologist Edna Foa) may help you.

- Call RAINN (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network) at 1-800-656-HOPE or www.rainn.org for a referral to special programs that provide free counseling to victims of sexual assault. (Can locate the womens groups for you.)

- Remind yourself it's not your fault.

((((((Take care)))))))

[soonforgotten]

dsmart...I forgot to add most importantly but you know it already it's most definitely NOT YOUR FAULT!
(((((((((((((((((((hang in there)))))))))))))))))))

[jmo531]

Hi! First off I want to say that I am so sorry that this happened to you. I too am a survivor of rape and I totally understand what your going through. Im my case, I did come forward to my father and step mother, which was a mistake as they didnt believe me. After that, I kept it a secret for years until recently. You have much courage to come forward and tell your story. Its difficult. I still at times, if I allow myself to think about it, will blame myself for it. I guess because I feel like I should have known better. In my heart though, I know that no man should ever force a women to do anything ever if she says "NO". It isnt your fault. It is his fault for being such a sorry son of a ***** who feels the need to over power you and hurt you in the utmost way.
I dont think you can ever get over it. For me, its there. Always in the back of my mind. I dont let it run my life but it does make me nervous at times in certain situations. I'm sorry. I really dont have any advice other then seeing a T and learning how to deal with the feelings your going through. Honestly, I recently moved and havent found a new T. I was working on this with my old T before I moved so I never really got the chance to move forward in anyway. I am here for you. Please PM me if you ever need to talk.


Hugs,


Jen

[mrb020377]

i have known you for 7 years, since your daughter was 2. You have seen me at my worst and you have seen me at my very worst. You saw me after i thought of ending it all... because i just wanted to be normal.
You sat and told me how it wasnt MY fault! You know in your heart it ISNT your fault!
I struggled with the thoughts of it being my fault and the thought of not fighting back.....I struggled with wanting to be normal and not knowing what normal felt like.

I know how you feel. you know that I do. I told about what happened to me and no one beleived me.

You say you dont want to be a victim... Your not! you HAVE survived... You are here, you are breathing, you have two beautiful children. I totally understand that one of these two children came from a man that " took" what he wanted from you. She is still my neice and I love her the same.

I have finally come to a point in my life that I have accepted what happened to me.. I have accepted that I did what I had to, to survive!!!! YOU did what you had to to survive! NO matter how hard you fought, he was in the wrong, he is the one to blame.

I may never get over what happened to me, as you may never "get over" what happened to you. It has been 11 years since my abuse stopped....11 years! I still deal with it every day! I let him have control over me for 11 years after he stopped. My first step in taking control back was accepting that it wasnt my fault.

So my words to you are, have peace of mind knowing that you did what you had to do to survive. Just so you know I am glad that you are here! I am glad you did what you had to, to survive, otherwise i wouldnt have you or peyton in my life!

[dsmart]

im glad to have you in my life mel im not sure where i would be right now if i didnt have you to fall back on...
im glad mrb has brought me to this site now i have alot of people to lean on in my time of need....but be for warned im a very needy person.....hugs to everyone who has listened to what im going through with the m/c and the years of blame i have put on myself with the rape...thank you all very much you have no idea what it means to me...

A terrific rape crisis therapist once told me - you cant go around it, over it under it or bury it. The only way to have a better life after rape is straight on through it. Take one day at a time, enter therapy, therapeutic groups, support groups, journal about it and your feelings, draw or whatever way you know of that will get those feelings out in the open for you and some day suddenly you will be sitting there not thinking about what happened and feeling all those feeling but instead enjoy that you are now at a place where you are comfortable with your life and yourself again. that may take days, months weeks, or years because everyone heals as a different rate.

Good luck and take care Im not going to say I'm sorry you're going through this because for me the only I'm sorry I ever wanted was from my abusers and I don't know if you feel that way too. But I can tell you from experience that it does and will get better, though you prbably won't believe me right now.