No escape

I just got back from speaking with the GAL. She said I have to FORCE my daughter to go to Tony's during his scheduled time, because it's court ordered and I agreed to it 4-1/2 years ago.

I told her, and now she's crying and shaking. She doesn't want to go back there, but I have to MAKE her go. I'm just sick.

I was also told that he's concerned I'm more of a friend and not a parent, and that I talk to them too much like grownups.

He saw the GAL a couple of weeks ago already, before I even knew we had the OK to schedule an appointment.

He's trying to blame me for her height and weight problems, saying it's because I had her treated for ADD when he thinks she doesn't have it. For 14 years he hasn't given a crap about either of the kids' health, ont until it was court ordered that he comply with treatment. Now he's trying to get everything overturned. He rules his house with a very heavy hand and expects me to do the same thing at my house.

I'm supposed to give in to his demands because it's written in the settlement agreement that I signed while I was under duress, suicidal, and afraid he'd take me kids away from me permanently. I just want what's fair, and now it's being implied that I'm not a good enough parent by a legal professional because I don't follow Tony's standards of "scream and hit them if they don't do what I say". "Do as I say, not as I do."

I was told by MY lawyer that I couldn't force Alex to go with her father, now the GAL tells me I have to.

She even implied that maybe my daughter is lying because my son won't back her up. He's afraid to rock the boat. Everytime he tells me something, it either starts or ends with "Please don't tell dad I told you this."

I'm sick. I'm a total f*** up.

((((((((((((((((((Shirley)))))))))))))))))))

Who is this GAL person? Do they not understand that forcing this poor child to see her father when she doesnt want to can cause her harm, mentally and emotionally. My GOD, what the hell is wrong with these people. I would contact your lawyer and tell her what you were told.

In the meantime, you need to have some things ammended in your seperation agreement/divorce papers. You can do that. I did. This is perposterous (sp). I can not beleive they will force a child of 14 to see someone she doesnt want to see. I know that in the sate of VA, a child can pick which parent they would like to live with. She is old enough to know what is going on and obviously there are some unresolved issues between her and her father and I think that maybe some hard core counselling is in order for both Alexa and Tony.

I am so sorry about this. Hug her tight and tell her that you love her.

Hugs to you,


Jen

The GAL said that in Wisconsin, we have to follow the settlement agreement that is currently in place. I've TRIED to get it revised and no one seems to care about that. My lawyer is only concentrating on placement. They keep telling me that settlement agreement is crap and that I don't have to follow it. Now the GAL says otherwise. I think I've wasted $2000 on my current lawyer.

Once again, i've messed up. I can't do %#@&#! right, ever. I should have listened to him. I should have just continued to give in to him, and to hell with what's right or fair or what anyone else wants.

I should just be a total ***** and tell my kids they aren't going to get %#@&#! because I say so, and tell them that I won't help them with school work and if they fail it's their own damn fault, and if they don't like it to deal with it and maybe I should call their dad because they're smart *** mouths aren't welcome in my house.

I don't do that now, and I'm going to end up needing to watch my daughter continue to spend 50% of the time with him because of it.

No Shirley. This is what he wants. he is trying to break you. Please dont let him. Your strong, Shirley. Show him that. You stand up to him for yourself and for your daughter.

I can not beleive that he has manipulated yet another person into his web of lies and deceit.

(((((((((((((((Shirley & Alexa)))))))))))))))

Jen, he's already broken me, a long time ago. Now he's stomping on the little pieces that are left, to turn them into hamburger.

When she said he accused me of being a friend and not a parent, I said what am I supposed to do when he send me e-mail meant to upset me, minutes before the kids get home, so I'm crying when my daughter walks in the house? When she asks "What? What's wrong? DAD, isn't it?" She said I'm supposed to read them later, after they go to bed. I said then it's too late, because Tony expects answers immediately, so if I wait, I'm being uncooperative and can't make decisions, so he has to do it all himself.

I can't win. I can't win. I can't win. You can't win against a person like this, a person who changes the rules every time contact is made.

I can't pull myself together any more. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. It's hopeless. He's won. I shouldn't even make the kids say anything. It won't matter. Already she thinks my daughter is lying.

Maybe it's gotten to where I need to say "enough, no more fighting. It's not worth it any more. We're not worth it. I'm not worth it."

You can do it.

You can do it.

You can do it

You can do it

You can do it

Shirley,

Dont let him win. As long as you have your kids, you have a reason to fight. I know that this is a slow painful process. Beleive me, I know. I would look for a women lawyer who will chew him up and spit him out.

I also think counselling for your daughter is a good idea. She is probably so confused and distraught right now.

BTW, your x/s comment about being more like a friend then mother. Screw him. Your role as a parent is mother, friend, boo boo healer, chef, DR, Warden.....ahhh and the list goes on.

Hugs,

Jen

There's nothing worth fighting for. I signed my rights away 4-1/2 years ago. He knows how to manipulate everyone and everything so I will continue to have no rights as a parent and to maybe even lose what little rights I might have.

I made the mistake of not successfully killing myself back then, so I let him run all over me, and now I have to watch my daughter cry and shake because of this guy, so I have proof that I let her down and have no power to help her right now. No power at all. He has it all, and it's in legal writing because I was too much of a dumb *** to fix it before it was law.

Everything he's said about me is true. I really can't do anything right. I can't even save my daughter from the same abuse I went through. My word of what I witnessed isn't good enough. There have to be marks and broken bones first.

Jen, don't waste your time trying to get me to see the bright side. Once I talk to my lawyer tomorrow and tell him what happened, it's going to be over. I'm going to hand them over to their dad and walk away. It's the best thing. It's got to be better than this constant fighting.

I'm not doing anyone any good.

If I can't be the parent I am, if I have to be the parent that he is to be considered a good parent, I can't do that to my kids. I can't have them go through that at two houses. If I can't do it, they'll have to stay with the current situation and I'll continue to be belittled by him. I can't live with that, and neither should they. So I'll admit defeat one last time and walk away and let him have his way and 25% of my income. I love my daughter, but I can't put her through any more of this. I can't bear to have her see me crying so much. According to HIM, I'm not even allowed to let my kids see me shaken. I wasn't allowed to be me then, and I'm not allowed it now. I have to be a female version of him, and I can't do it. I can't be him. I can't.

I'm a waste of earth. I shouldn't even be allowed to be a mom.

Even my lawyer just said I messed up and now he's going to try and talk to the GAL to straighten things out, when he normally doesn't get involved with them.

Why can't I do anything right?

The LAST thing I should have done was let my daughter ride along, even though she didn't feel good and didn't want to be alone or even at a friend's house. He said they HATE when that happens and that the GAL probably stopped listening to me the minute I walked in 5 minutes late with my daughter tagging along.

Why am I continuing to fight a losing battle? I can't do anything right. I told him I'm a f*** up and that now my daughter is going to end up just as f***ed up because of it. I really am a danger to my kids.

(((((((((((((((((Shirley)))))))))))))))))

You need to call your DR. He/She needs to give you something to calm yourself down. You are being way to hard on yourself. Your beating yourself up about something that is clearly not your fault.

Despite his repeated efforts to break you, you cant let him do this to you. Where there is a will, there is a way. Dont giveup...ever. Please dont say that you should have killed yourself along time ago. What goo would that have done for your daughter who needs you so desperately right now. You are here to help her, help her not be a victim like you were at the hands of your husband. Teach her that this is type of treatment by a man is not acceptable and is abuse and she is far to precious to ever be treated like that....just as you are. You do not deserve this, she does not deserve this, stop thinking that this is your fault, its not. You can not be responsible for how other people are acting and treating you.

You are a wonderful mother Shirley. I know you dont see that right now, but all you do, everything you have been put through, good or bad was for the benefit of your children. Please, be gentle on yourself. Look for another lawyer who can actually help you. Look for a womens rights lawyer. Dont let this man get away with what he is doing to your family.

I wont give up on you. We wont give up on you. You are worth it and if I have to tell you that every day then so be it, I will do that for you because you are WORTH IT. I wont give up on you

I wont give up on you

I wont give up on you

You are worth it

Your a good mother

Your a good person

You are gentle

You are kind

You are loving

You are you

You are beautiful today and always.



Love,



Jen

i agree with Jen! I agree that you are a good person. You cant not let him win this!!! You have to fight, as hard as it may be, You have to fight! If you walk away he may hurt the kids even more. You cant do that! You are not stupid you are not worthless. You are a mom! You are a woman that has been beat down so much that she feels like this is all she deserves.. THIS IS NOT TRUE!!!!!!!!!! You are worthwhile!! Please don't give up!

Shirley, i know how it feels to have to have something to do with an ex that is a _ _ _ _ _ . my oldest daughter is 37 and the youngest is 35. their dad STILL tries to manipulate and control all of us. he tries to get to me, through them. i won't go there with him, but it was a long time before i got brave enough to resist. the girls were in junior high when i said "enough is enough". the girls tell me now that if they had been left with him, they wouldn't have made it. that right there is enough. they knew that my fighting for them made all the difference in their lives.

their dad is a lawyer, so fighting him was extremely difficult. it was hard to find a fair judge.

the girls tell me, frequently, that they always knew that i loved them and would fight for them, regardless. it means so much for kids to know that someone will go to the wall for them. i know it's hard, but it is something that you'll never regret.

love, pat

I'm starting to wonder if I'm the ***. I want to know my kids are safe, but maybe my daughter is working us off each other and putting me in the middle of her and her dad. I don't know.

I know it's impossible to talk with him, so I can't blame her for asking me to talk to him.

I know he's a manipulative, controlling, emotional blackmailing SOB, but maybe she's somehow being a mimic. I just don't know.

And my information retention is shot. My lawyer will ask me what was said EXACTLY and I can't in all honesty say that what I'm relaying is 100% EXACT. Like today, he said something like "he had your daughter up against the wall, yelling at and hitting her." I NEVER said that. I said he yelled at her and hit her with a belt. That's what my daughter said. That's what Tony admitted to. Why my lawyer thought I said he had her up against the wall, I have no clue. Sometimes I wonder if he's confusing my case with someone else's considering he has the 12-page report from Human Services that recounts it.

I need to get on drugs for my flightly brain, but I don't know what's wrong with me besides being depressed. Am I going to need to be on something for psychosis or a schizoid disorder? I transcribe a lot of reports for patients with schizoid problems and they all have poor organizational skills and I'm starting to think that's my problem.

I'm starting to scare myself.

no, you aren't schzoid. i'm sure you aren't, but i'm not sure that i know how to spell it. HE WANTS TO MAKE YOU THINK YOU'RE CRAZY.

in Oklahoma, a child, past age 12, gets to pick which parent they live with. the judge talks to them, in chambers and that's it. are you sure that there isn't a law that the GAl issn't telling you about? or your lawyer?

my ex has tried to make me think that i'm crazy. heck, he even went to my mother and got her to sign a statement saying he was the better parent. he was very handsome back then. but, in the end, i won and the kids are still glad....

you are not crazy. i've known you too long and we've talked too much...i have a good sense for nuts!

In Wisconsin, kids only get to play a small role in where they eventually end up. It's "best interest of the child" and Tony insists he's it because he has a more stable home and is strict. I have a feeling the court is going to agree. Better to err on the side of keeping them toeing the line instead of potentially being a menace to society because I let them stay up past 10:00 and didn't make them keep their rooms and closets spotless.

Hello. I just wanted to tell you to not give up. Your kids need you. There is more to a loving home than strict toeing the line. Love is patient, love is kind. All of can use parenting advise now and then because nobody is perfect. Your kids don't need a perfect mother - such a creature doesn't exist anywhere except on T.V. Your kids need you. They need you to keep fighting for them. Staying up past 10pm on a school night is probably not the greatest - but that is not as caustic as constant yelling and the use of fear to "toe the line". A strict parenting style is just that.. a style. it does not equal "better" or more stable. Love and acceptance is important to children.

You are frustrated and feeling shaky right now - please don't give in. Please hang in there - your kids need you in their lives. Kids are smarter than some adults give them credit, they are probably very aware of the games their father is playing. Hang in there - your kids will be glad you did. And you will also as you watch them grow into adulthood you can pat yourself on the back for a labor of love. And putting up with this jerk has got to put you on a path towards sainthood or something.

I hope you feel better.

Thanks for the kind words Peanuts.

I don't let my kids stay up after 10:00 on school nights, only on Friday and Saturday and during the summer.

And so that IS being a responsible parent. Tell whats his name to chill.

Hope all goes well.