Should I go back to a spouse who was abusive?

I was married to a physically abusive man and have been divorced three years now. Since our divorce and his last incarceration he has turned his life around. One, he sought help from his local community mental health facility; two, he's been diagnosed with PTSD and Bipolar disorder; three, he's on medication and gets ongoing counseling, is collecting social security disability SSDI for his mental condition, and lives in a nice little one-bedroom apartment. We still love each other and he wants to get remarried to me. Although I see how different he is now, there are clear indications there is a problem. For example, he claims with his condition, and his felony record he will have to stay on disability because no one will hire him (he's six years away from retirement age). I can accept that. Between what he gets on SSDI and I earn, we would have enough money. The other thing is, he is very disorganized and sleeps a lot. My grown children say these are signs he hasn't changed and that he's just lazy, and a loser. I try to tell them that these are all symptoms associated with bipolar illness and that I can accept those things. The other thing my grown children bring up is that a person who's been physically abusive will always be that way. The bottom line is, if I remarry him it will cause a big rift in my family. I have forgiven him. I understand that he is not his disorder, he is a human being with a condition and I love him. Yet at the same time I acknowledge that my grown children were witnesses of his abuse as they were growing up and that they have good reason to be sceptical. I don't want to abandon him. I am one of the few people that still have anything to do with him. But I am torn. One of my grown sons lives in my home and states that if my ex husband (his stepfather) would ever come around, he would move out.

My answer would be no. Love is blind. Outside viewers can see that this would not be good for you but it is your decision.

Don't you think that you deserve better? I just looked at your profile. You are attractive, educated and, interesting. Why do you need an ex-convict, wife beater who sleeps all day? In your post you have made a lot of excuses for him. Why are you wanting to wallow in the gutter with this man? You capable of so much more! Please continue to keep us posted?

(BTW, I graduated from U of M also and I lived in the Ann Arbor/Ypsilanti area for almost ten years. I am originally from NW Michigan).

I would have to say no too. Whilst I think it is great he is seeking help I can tell you from experience that men who abuse rarely stop. I work with perpetrators of DV and they need intensive anger management and therapy and even then many slip right back into old coping mechanisms. Give yourself a break and find someone who will treasure you.

no from me too. abusers don't change their spots. plus look at his history with you. why would it be any better now? i can't see that happening. you can consider being a good friend instead if you wish. they can be very persuavise but you would soon see the red flags. remarrying him makes you his hostage again, imho.

I agree. No. Both of you would have better chances at having successful relationships with other people than you would being together. It is too easy to fall back in to old habits and it may cause regression in all the progress that he seems to have made. Good friends could be managed, but I think that remarriage would likely lead to bad things and is not worth the risk.

There are reasons that people won't have anything to do with him. Do you have visions of rescuing him?

What sort of relationship do you have with him now? I am wondering why marriage needs to be a next step. What about insisting that he prove himself, over an extended period of time, in a relationship where there are boundaries that you strictly maintain?

Even if this is true, it doesn't mean that he has to do nothing. How useful is he being to you right now? How constructively does he spend his waking time?

There is a huge difference between "I have forgiven him." and "I want to entrust my life to him again." It is quite possible, and quite logical, to forgive someone but to recognize that the person should not be re-entrusted with what he proved himself to be so unworthy of.

I urge you to discuss this major, life-changing decision with a therapist--at length--if you are not already doing so.

You are too classy of a lady to go back to him and let him destroy you all over again. You deserve better. Let go and just concentrate on yourself. Take care.

Just from the title of the thread alone....

No. You should not.

I agree with the others. That's wonderful you've forgiven him, but as Bill said why trust your life with him? How about you just be fiends. Imagine living with him and you want him to wake up but he doesn't...is he going to lose his temper? What can he give you that you don't have already have? You may find, you get along better being friends only. It's nice to have compassion but don't listen to the violins.

Definitely a no from me too. Abusers just don't change. I hate to say it.

Thank you fro your thoughtful response to my post. I suppose there are two main reasons for wanting to, as you say "wallow in the gutter" with him: 1) I've been with him for so long--it's familiar, and 2) I feel sorry for him and still love him (I think). At the same time, I have my own issues of codependency to deal with. I attend A.A, have enjoyed total sobriety for three years and hope by continuing to work the program I will learn to make better choices in my life. Whatever I decide about my ex, I appreciate my sobriety and thank God every day for my new life.

Thank you for your reply to my post. I'm sure you're right about what you say and realize if I married him again it would be a risk in terms of him slipping back into his old ways. I will continue to pray for guidance and reach out to insightful people like you for feedback. I really appreciate your words of wisdom.

Wow! Your response, especially the Ayn Rand quote, gave me so much to think about. Your questions are certainly thought-provoking. I really don't have any way of knowing for sure if anything would be better now. Also, as you say, "they can be very persuasive";that really describes him well--if anyone knows the art of persuasion, he does. It is now my job to see how much substance there is to what he promises me. Even though I want to be with him again and perhaps get remarried, I am not rushing into it. I will give myself enough time to think this through very carefully. Will the benefits outweigh the risks? I trust God will provide me with the right answer as long as I'm patient. The worst scenario I can think of, however, is that somehow he's still holding me emotionally hostage because I feel I'm so vulnerable to his views on things. Sorry for rambling.

Thank you for your thoughtful response. You said, "Good friends could be managed, but I think that remarriage would likely lead to bad things and is not worth the risk." That gives me lots of food for thought. Am I willing to risk all to be with him again? My family certainly doesn't want me to go back with him. I'm already torn between them and him. Even if I went back to him and we got along fine, we would be on the fringe of our family. My grown children have already told me they would always love and accept me, but they don't want to have anything to do with him--not for now anyway. So for every family event, I would attend, I would do it without him. Either way I look at my situation, I realize a sacrifice has to be made.

Thank you for your compassionate and thoughtful response. You have presented me with lots of questions that I must ask myself, like "How constructively does he spend his waking time?" and "How useful is he being . . . right now?" Thank you for allowing me to see through your perspective. It is very helpful. And you are so right, I don need to make this life-changing decision with a counselor or therapist.

Thank you so much for your reply. I will pray that God and the encouragement of so many good friends and caring people will assist me in making the right decision. Without God nothing is possible, but with Him, all things are--even making the right decision in the midst of my own confusion as long as I don't make a decision while I'm still confused. I need to be patient and wait on divine guidance to lead me in the way I should go whether that's going back to my ex or walking alone. Life is good.

What an inspiring quote. Now the challenge, however, is to live it, to make the right decision, perhaps concentrating on becoming a better, a wiser person, a day at a time, and then; well then the rest will sort itself out--wether I go back to him or choose to be alone.

Thank you for your thoughtful response. Of course living with him and having him get mad at me because I woke him up or some other trivial domestic issue that he could get angry over is certainly not something I would look forward to. And I suppose there's no guarantee that he won't lose his temper again and what he would do during times of being out of control. I have a lot to think about before I can make a good decision. As another person suggested, I need to work with a therapist or counselor before making this "life-changing" decision. I liked what you said about not listening "to the violins" lol.

Peacequest. I love your name. You are on a quest for peace.

Your ex doesn't sound like a very peaceful person.

No. It is HIS job to show you over a long period of time how much substance there is to what he promises.

It is your job - not to be codependent! (which is speaking in this quote)

You are wrong here. He is in control. Abusive man are. I think it will be useful to read about abusive man. I know its a hard journey but its worth it, unless you want to stay with the abusive and be abused for the rest of your life until the day you die - which is a very gloomy outlook you would agree...

I am sorry I am harsh but reading your posts just made me want to send you some harsh reality to protect you.

Please stay safe. And look after yourself with love.

Thanks for the reality check; I need it. I am not free mentally or emotionally from him. I think I love him, but I'm not even so sure about that, because often things he does make me question whether I even like him. But then I gloss it over and make excuses for him. I would go into specifics but realize it's stupid because it's not even about him anymore; it's about me. Why can't I let go? But believe me I'm looking for answers. In the meantime I'm not making any life-changing decisions. All I want is to be a good person and have a little happiness for a change without fearing the rug being pulled out again. Today I'm happy to a degree. I can even say I don't mind being without him. Aloneness isn't so bad after all, but during quiet moments of the day or night my mind and heart drifts back to him like a moth to a flame. Thanks again. I appreciate your words.

Dear one,

I know how hard it is. Believe me. I know exactly at what point you are now. I was there too. The thing is - there is nothing anyone can say or do to allow you to break away from him. People may encourage you, offer sympathy, a listening ear, a harsh reality check ( ) and some advice. But in the end - it is for you to make that step and decide it and stick by it. I divided it to these 3 because I really think they are different. Its one thing to decide. Its another to do. And its another to stick by it. Think of it as addiction. Its very similar.

Now, there is a lot of positive in your reply:

This is a good thing to acknowledge. Dont be harsh on yourself. Maybe worth asking yourself - what needs to happen for you to be free?
Also - What needs does this connection serve for you? does it answer any needs?
and then - can these needs be answered in another way?

Ask yourself - what are your needs as a woman? maybe its to be loved, feel safe and secure, be appreciated, be cared for, spend nights with a man you love, look after children, be creative - what ever this may be. Now think - how does he serve in getting these needs met?

I know what you mean. I think you do not like him but still feel this bond - like a cord is tying you. And this is the coodependency and the addiction.

That is classic codependency. Who else did you use to make excuses for in the past? Did you love them as much and felt you cannot break free?

Very good! It is only about you.

I know. I can really see that you are. Why cant you let go? I cant answer that. But you can - maybe working with a therapist can help with that. Its a very good question. And maybe its as simple as - You Can. You just need to want to...

Now - if you talk about letting go - usually when its about letting go there is fear involved. Ask yourself what are you afraid of? maybe its about not being needed anymore? maybe its about being alone? maybe its about your sense of purpose? Alot of people have fears of being left. of being alone. of being without someone.

Try to explore these with a therapist. It may give some relief, and help to let go.

Good. I think if you make them now just be prepared to stick by it.

Personally I find this very meaningful. You want little happiness. Why little? why not just happiness? why not a lot of happiness? what needs to happen for you to be very happy? do you not think you deserve full happiness?

It sounds like loneliness and being alone is a big thing. You dont mind being without him, you say. When really - from everything you said - you should be very happy for being alone and excited in the prospect of your new life. A healthy, loving life. No moth. No flame. Like calming water... Be gentle with yourself.

And - no problem. I hope it helps a bit. Thank you for your honest response. The truth is - we are ok as we are. We dont need someone else to reassure that. Then happiness begins x

Please, never go back to someone who has ever been abusive. They will behave themselves at first, but eventually they will return to their abusive ways. Several reconciliation attempts with my children's father told me this, without a doubt. He would promise he had changed, treat me like a queen at first, but gradually he would begin his mind games, his teasing, his provoking. The more something annoyed me, the funnier he thought it was to keep on doing it. That was the early warning signal. After that would come the temper, the verbal abuse, the name-calling. Next, the controlling. Finally, if I let the relationship last that long, the hitting. I ended the last reconciliation attempt at the first sign of teasing, knowing it meant he hadn't changed. Having known him for almost 30 years now, I think it's safe to say he won't. Nor is he likely to stay clean and sober for more than a few months.

Nowadays I won't even be friends with him. He has serious boundary issues and would try to worm his way into my life to a much larger degree than I would want him. I am now in a healthy marriage, and I'm not about to sacrifice that just because I feel sorry for the loser. If he's in a bad position, he put himself there.

My daughter is experiencing similar issues in letting go of her own children's father, who is abusive. She'll try to be "just friends" with him, but he gradually works his way back in, and eventually the abuse returns. It's sad that history is repeating itself. I know I set the bad example, but I am hoping she will now learn from my good one.

Just don't do it. As you already know, it is better to be alone than in an abusive relationship.