Death of an abusive parent

My mother was emotionally abused by her mother all her childhood and could never forgive her for that. As an adult she was always angry at her mother; she called her every day and I recall we often visited her on weekends. Every visit ended with my mother yelling at hers and her mother saying something along the lines of "don't worry, soon you will be happy" hinting at her future death. I remember my mother worrying about how she would react to this, she wanted to look like a normal grieving daughter but was worried she would not be able to. I recall looking at my mother at the funeral and so no happiness and signs of her crying earlier. And I thought, "this looks right, sadness and all..." I don't recall us talking about my grandmother after her death because my mother was too busy bullying my family and blaming me for being a bad daughter but once she told me that every morning she wakes up and cries because she feels guilty for how she always yelled at her mother...

I am also going through the same experience now. and it hurts so much when you are not receiving the necessary support. friends are accusing me of being "unfilial" so i have decided to stop talking and be selective with the people you talk too.

nevertheless, i found these helpful reading resources
Narcissistic Abuse: How Do You Grieve the Death of a Narcissistic Personality Disordered Mother?

How survivors deal with the death of a toxic person - CNN.com

Hoping that i can one day heal and emerge stronger from the hurts of an abusive mother.

Don't feel frightened if you don't show emotion or can't "grieve" like anybody else who lost a loved one; it doesn't make you a bad person.

My emotionally abusive narcissistic of a mother passed away a couple of years ago and honestly, I feel relieved. I didn't show any emotion at her funeral which I only went to because of pressure from relatives that were supporting me and only because I didn't want to be "cut off" nor did I shed a single tear over her; she wasn't worth it to me.

Don't get me wrong, I have grieved. But said grieving wasn't about her but my abusive past that I felt that I could finally begin healing from. She controlled my whole life even when her health took a turn to the worst and because I couldn't hold a regular job because of how mentally unstable I was from her abuse, I HAD to live with her until she passed away because I needed financial support.

I lost my mother 5 months ago she was not abusive she was abused by her father so when I started turning into a man she change towards me. I was heat broken and this brought so many bad feeling for my father who was abusive to me and my mother I held back but truly wanted to lay into him a couple of months later I had to put my Dog down I had him for 17 years and was truly my best friend I have been on my own around the age of 15 so my dog was the only thing that stayed with me the longest I'm so sad about my mom and my pet well 2 days ago I get the call my father had gone for a walk and feel. He had an anuerizem he past the next night I didn't think his passing would upset me he abused me from the time I was 5 until after he tried kill the children so he could have my mom to himself needless to say that was a time in my life I could go on a bought how he was but I doesn't matter I'm just taken aback why I'm grieving my father is it just left over sadness from loosing so much so fast just wondering if anyone has issue's with the loss of a abusive parent thanks

I felt in different when he died. Past two years at work reopened issues about my self worth. I'm so down at times. Need hugs.

my abusive parent also passed away and its a strange feeling, not like the normal grief

My father, who was very abusive passed away in 2006 on my birthday. I've always felt that in some way he died on my birthday as a final strike to me (probably not an overly rational thought). I didn't mourn for him, I don't miss him, didn't shed a tear. We didn't even have calling hours for him. None of us wanted to sit there and wait for his friends, the few he had, most who hated us anyway and some who took part at least indirectly in our abuse when we were younger, to pay their respects. Our biggest regret was that he outlived our mother, who deserved to have time away from that monster, but never got it until she was on her death bed.

My mother called me crying today begging for me to go there because my father was sick and she was scared.
When I pulled into their driveway I wished the ambulance was there, I wished he had had a stroke or a heart attack, I wished he had already died.
I don't feel bad about wishing that.
I feel terrible about wishing that.
I don't want him to die because of the expectations of the funeral.
He is a community man. So many people think he is wonderful.

P.S. He wasn't dead.

I like you feel the same about my father outliving my mama. I never believed he wouldn't go first. I looked forward to the day my mama could be at peace away from him and how us kids would care for her but she passed away 6 years before and It just didn't seem fair or right.

I have waited my entire life for my Father to die- he finally passed at 91. He was a sadist and hated women. He was physically and emotionally abusive to me my entire life. My emotional baggage from him caused personal and professional loss-I finally regrouped but lost a daughter that could have been his fault by causing me such emotional problems when she was a baby- maybe I didn't give her a strong sense of self- I hate him

Recently lost abusive Mom and find that past is taking up more of my current thoughts. One sibling had BPD and has caused some problems resulting in her not communicating. Feels like I've lost my mom and my sister. This behavior is typical for her but just bad timing. I'm grieving also the loss of not having any resolve.

[QUOTE=RACEKA;1613642]Has anyone had to go through the death of an abusive parent?

I just wanted to hear how you felt when they died. Did you grieve? Did you celebrate? How do you feel now?

I was SO relieved when my father died. He had been violently absusive toward me when I was a child & verbally abusive when I was an adult. He was not Always abusive but enough to make me terrified. So when he died, I said "Thank You God!!!" and I did not feel guilty for being relieved!

I can somewhat relate to this. My mother was physically/emotionally abusive as well as negligent for most of my life. She developed dementia about five years ago when i was 14 and it has progressed to the stage where she doesn’t recognize anybody and is hopsitalized, doctors say she may last a couple more months at the most. She might as well be dead. I was always a very emotionally detached person but i think although i would mostly be relieved and happy that she died, a small part of me will be sad because even though she was a terrible mother, she was still just that. My mother.

I pondered this question for several days before I make my commit. My mother was the one that caused me so much emotional pain all through my life. She died on a Friday the 13,2011. I did cry when my sister in law told me, but after that I haven't felt anything except hurt, and anger. Out of all of the 6 kids she had, she made sure that I wasn't in the will. I didn't want anything from her, but to know that she loved me. About 2 years before she passed, she accused me of something I didn't do, so when she became very sick, my husband, and I took care of both my parents until my other siblings got there, and we never spoke again, I tried to talk with her a couple times, but she shut me out. A couple years later my father was on his death bed, and my siblings said that I needed to go see him, and that no one would give me a problem. My husband, and I went down, we only stayed a short time. My father abused me also but physically, and sexually, and he always did what my mother wanted. Anyway my father apologized but I don't know if it was for the abuse, or for the will. I have my own house, paid for, and 6 akers, not a mobile home on a plot, so I didn't need, or want anything from them, except to know they loved me. I dough they ever did, and I will never find that out. When my father passed I cried once but that was all. Now I don't feel anything for them.

I felt relieve when my mom pass away. But then I started feeling bad really bad because she had passed away. I don't celebrate Christmas anymore because she had died the day before Christmas Eve. I want to repair my relationship with her. A week before she had died I had stood up to my mom for the first time and told her she had no right to hurt me mentally and physically or had the right to isolate me from other. She had no right to control my life all because she want me to take care of her. I lost my job because of what she had done. Have you tried meditating? It all sound like great tools to use.

Hi I am the youngest in a family of 5
my older brother died I thought I was going to to explode complicated grief they label it
then my dad died slowly of cancer a counselor told me I was not dying duh but it was nice to hear
brother did not go to memorial
father did not go to say goodbye but went to memorial
btw my family is toxic they are codependent esp remaining brother mom and sister in law

ok so now this might help
my mom broke her efemur recently long story short recently I thought she was dead
for bout 3 days until I heard back from her,
During that time I do dream work to keep my authenticity in tact btw
I dreamed of purple flowers got that interpreted and it was a dream of my highest self
of my growth and glory andy royalty all good things

my mom and me are in a toxic relationship
my mom is dead to me already as well even before I thought she was and the dream
so because of the dream I am actually looking forward to her dropping dead for many reasons
no more toxic and only good things lie ahead!!

i hope this helps
are there any counselors in here? to give us a professional opinion?
thanks

My covert abusive, narc alcoholic dad (also semi-secretly hated women) died in the summer, after having an accident and spending over 2 months in hospital. Although my mum also behaves in a mildly toxic manner at times that means I can’t get too close to her, I’m glad she outlived him. She’s sad that he’s gone, but I think her life has been made easier in some ways.
When I first heard he had the accident, he was unconscious in the hospital and I hoped then it was bad enough for him to slip away. After a while it became obvious that he’d never be the same again and would need full time care if he came home, but he deteriorated suddenly in the end.
I have had a few complicated feelings to process, but while I didn’t celebrate, I never went into mourning either.

Yes. I am going through this myself. I am still grieving and it been ten years now. Now I feel angry at all the abuse I had gone through.