Death of an abusive parent

Has anyone had to go through the death of an abusive parent?

I just wanted to hear how you felt when they died. Did you grieve? Did you celebrate? How do you feel now?

I did the empty chair technique with my T last night with my abusive mom. She died in 2000. I did ok until I had to tell her it was time to go away. I got very emotional at that point and I'm trying to figure out why. My T wants me to journal about it this week.

I was just wondering if anyone has gone through anything like this.

Thanks for your support.

Sorry to hear about this. I can't offer much to you as I'm not in this situation but wanted to say take gentle care.

Raceka,

I too haven't actually gone through this experience, but I've been no contact with my parents for over eight years now and I think about this sometimes. My father's in his early 70s, and his father and grandfather both died in their mid-70s, so I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't have many years left.

If I were dealing with this situation, I'd definitely be full of conflicts. On the one hand, I would definitely grieve and think about the few positive experiences I had with my dad. For instance, there's one vivid memory I have of when my mother and sister went on a trip and it was just me and my dad. He cut out of work early and took me to dinner. He really opened up about his childhood, telling me stories that were actually really fun to hear. It was like the only time I really got to know my father as a regular human being. Generally, he was always playing the all-knowing, all-wise father, constantly handing out criticism and advice. It makes me really, really sad just to think about this now.

On the other hand, though, I wouldn't be able to forget the condescension and the constant attacks on my self-esteem. My father had a sarcastic way of saying "my dear daughter" that just made me feel like such an utter zero. He could be very hostile and controlling sometimes. He always had to be right and really wasn't interested in hearing about how I felt or what I thought. There were times when I would end up feeling utterly defeated and helpless, wondering why I'd even been born.

I would also feel guilty about a lot of things, like going no contact and feeling angry at his emotional abuse because I know he behaved the way he did because he himself was emotionally abused. It seems to me that your difficulties are totally understandable, so please don't be hard on yourself. I think we can't help but accept conflicts when it comes to abusive parents because they're such a major part of our lives. I guess if it were me (actually, it'll be me one of these days!), I'd have to grieve, feel angry, feel guilty, and eventually accept that I'll always feel conflicted.

Please forgive me if anything I've said has been a trigger. I do think about this, though, so I thought I'd post my two cents.

Stay strong!
Rainbow

My abusive father died in 1989, but he had been out of my life since 1980 when I was 15. No one had seen him since the divorce. I didn't know he had died until just a couple of years ago when a cousin found me on Facebook. We exchanged phone numbers, she called me, and gave me the news over the telephone. I'm not even sure how she knew, although she only knew that he had died, not how or when. Those details came later when my brother obtained the death certificate. I had initially assumed it was suicide, since he was 47 and had threatened it many times, but I was mistaken. He had a heart attack.

That cousin is significantly younger than I am and didn't have the memories of her uncle that I had, so I didn't want to freak her out by saying anything negative about him when she told me. Still, I wonder if I puzzled her by not reacting at all. "Oh, he's dead? OK." I felt nothing. No grief. Not even a sense of loss knowing that we would never have a normal, healthy, father-daughter relationship, even though I had been daddy's girl when I was a child. There was a bit of relief to know that he would never be a danger again--in times past, he had threatened to track us all down. To avoid triggering anyone, I won't mention here what he had said he was going to do when he found us, but it wasn't pleasant.

It has been hard for me to forgive him. He at least had the excuse of having an untreated mental illness. And, there was one instance in my childhood that he had a moment of clarity, suddenly stopped yelling and pulled me into his lap, and apologized to me. Because of that, I did find it possible.

My T explained to me the reason for my lack of grief. My father had been "dead to me" for so long that finding out he actually was gone made absolutely no difference in my life. The grief had already been dealt with.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

thanks for bringing this topic up, Raceka,, i do think of my mom occassionally, she died 4 yrs ago, next month. i hear myself saying: the longer she stays dead, the better i like her. it sound so harsh, but it's such a relief not to have to deal with her... i hope you find peace with your past, too,,, best wishes, Gus

I haven't gone through this but I know I will someday. In the meantime I'm just grieving the fact that I will never have 'good childhood memories' and I was robbed of my childhood.

Gus,

I couldn't have said it better myself! So sad.

i have gone through the death of my abusive bio-father. i CELEBRATED!!! ev1 thought i had lost my mind but what i had lost was the possibility of him ever hurting me again. i do not miss him ..we had been estranged for may years. i did see him a few years before he died...he denied everything. i walked out the door and never looked back. towards the end he was living in a nursing home so he couldn't abuse me further, but once he died i truly began to heal!! i still have a long way to go and am now acknowledging my anger with my mother who played a big part in pushing him off on me i guess to help save herself. good luck with your healing.

{{{{{Bea~!}}}} i just keep finding we have more and more in common. so many of us here have untold stories, and years of suffering. no wonder we all need the support of people who have 'been there, done that'~! thanks for sharing,,, Gus

Maybe if T asked you to journal about it - try to do that.

It seems to me that asking people here what they think may serve for you as an escape from dealing with that emotion and the reason why it was so hard when you said - time to go away now.

I think it will be useful to stay with that and explore it for yourself as it is only through our own process that we can reach peace, even when others can provide relief and understanding.

I hope I am not being too harsh. And I think you are great for being so brave in going through this process.

I had an abusive step mother die a few years ago. I have to say I was surprised by my re action. I felt nothing, when I was told she died I just said "Oh" and went back to mopping my floor.
I have no idea why I had no emotion about her death; she had made my childhood so sad and lonely. This is only a guess but I think I had packed up my childhood so well and chucked it so far into the deepest place in my mind it was beyond reach, so henceforth beyond an emotional re action to the event of her death.

My abusive mom died in 2004 of cancer. I did and still do grieve. I wanted nothing to do with her before her death, but now that she's gone... well, she was still my mom, no matter what she did. And I think it's so hard becuase now I'll never have the chance to have a normla mother-daughter relationship with her. Not that that was ever a possibility anyway, but now there is absolutely definitely noc hance anymore. And that's what I craved. Having a normal mom. My mom died rather suddenly, and it's still incredibly hard on me.

Whenwillitend - I am so sorry. I wish there was anything I could say to make it better for you. The loss is harder when its a missed opportunity. Just remember that it was never your fault that this relationship was not a normal mother-daughter. And with grieving for her - celebrate yourself for your own wisdom. I wish you happy holidays x

I've been through something sorta similar, on of my abusers died. But when he died it felt good to finally get him out of my life and know I do not have to worry about him abusing me again.

This is complicated and can create some seriously confusing feelings.

I went through something similar a few years ago and to this day I am not even sure if I have actually dealt with it completely. The minute I heard, I was shocked. Took a few hours to sink in. After that I was so drunk I remember nothing that happened that evening or even the next day. After that i felt nothing. I didn't care one way or the other. However, now I am at a loss as to what I feel. Some days I feel nothing and other days I feel as though there is something that needs to be dealt with.

What you need to remember is that whatever you feel is perfectly acceptable. I used to tell myself exactly how I would feel if and when it happened but when it did, I was lost. Nothing seemed quite real for a while. We all handle things differently so there is no telling what is right and wrong.

If your T has suggested you journal I would agree with her. It's not always easy though. And sometimes you may not have anything to write about but then something will come up. Go with it. Perhaps it will be really helpful

Hippie, I understand the part about your mother. I am working through anger toward my mother for allowing me to be abused. Not only by making excuses for my father (who did have an excuse, but still that doesn't make it hurt any less) but also by the numerous other "father figures" she allowed around me, who were no more healthy for me than my own father was.

My situation - like many others, I imagine - is quite complicated. I love my parents to pieces....They were incredibly abusive towards me throughout my childhood...and then I became their caregivers in my adulthood. This turn of events complicates things tremendously for me.

When my dad died 3 years ago, I was crushed. The pain was so so so horrible, and I still haven't fully grieved the loss....I also haven't dealt with the abuse either, although I am in therapy....

Because I feel such grief and sadness over my dad's death, I find it very difficult to feel anger towards him because any anger is quickly consumed by the guilt and sadness. SO complicated....

Closure is also different when an abuser passes on. I haven't tried the empty chair technique - and have no intention of doing that. I'm not sure how I will get some closure with it all.

I have been there. at the time it happened I had so many emotions going thru me at the same time I didn't know which way was up. I loved her because she was my mom. I still find myself at times picking up the phone to call her and she died in 93. When I look back now all those years of the abuse I pity her. She was undiagnosed mentally ill. she was a sick woman and really needed serious therapy. she can't hurt me anymore.

I have not been fortunate enough to encounter this yet, i did however find out my abuser had cancer of the pancreas a few years ago , sick as it may seem i was so overjoyed at the news i had to put the phone down so my mom could not hear the whoops of joy i let out!! unfortunately he survived !!! well they say the good die young the cxxp live forever!! I do know that when his time does eventually come i certainly will not grieve for any relationship we ever had I will celebrate the freedom and peace it will bring for me!
as for going to his funeral .... no chance he can rot in xxxx for all i care now!

I went through a similar period when my stepmother died, was singing "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" every chance I got :-)

...its a tough thing to deal with and cope....I know what you are going through....I made the mistake of surpressing emotions for too long...

Ditto. This is terrible, but i've waited for my sadistic brother to die since i was 7. Since then I've only greived my childhood and the lack of intervention from parents/siblings who let him do that to me. That's life i suppose..

your time will come mistyeyed.... all good things are worth waiting for xxxx

When my father died, I was full of mixed feelings. I had suppressed the abuse so much that it didn't really resonate at the time. I was angry that he killed himself through alcohol, angry that I would never truly know him for the man he could have been. I wanted to know more about my own origins through him. I was heartbroken that his life ended surrounded by only a handful of friends who were really waiting for handouts because they were addicts, too.

After the abuse memories have resurfaced, I don't really feel differently. I still miss him terribly and would give anything for the chance to talk to him again. I think it's because he was never really a father to me, more of a friend as time went on and the abuse stopped. I was a caretaker of my parents a lot of the time, especially after they were divorced.